★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[nain11ster]

UNFAITHFUL AND ALCOHOLIC By The Blue Prince

Short story me rythm aur vishay ka chunaw atyant hi aawsyak hota hai... Unfaithful And Alcoholic unhi sab kahaniyon me se ek hai...

Domastic violence aur crime based ye story shuru se anth tak aap ko bore nahi hone degi. Ek tagda piyyakad saki pati Nitin aur mali haalat se jhoojhti Sejal...

Halanki bahut kuch pahle hi clear ho chuka tha aur likhne wali ki hi khoobsoorti thi jo Sejal ke anaitik sambandhon ko wo upar hi baton baton me likh gaye... Jaise ki pati ke liye daru arrenge karna ... 4 room wale kamre me rahna aur jhadi pocha karna .

Shuru me laga yaar ye kaise ho sakta hai ... Ek jimmedar aurat wo bhi itne ache ghar ki jhadu pocha kar rahi aur sath me pati ki daru b maintain karna ... Jo ki kam se kam rojana 1000 ka kharcha to hoga hi ... Fir aage jab kahaini badhi aur in sab baton par dhyan gaya to laga ye to humare liye hint hai...

Khair ek sikke ke do pahlu hote hain .. acha bhi aur bura bhi .. lekin kahani kisi bhi sandarv ko nahi dikhati wo bas aap ke liye sawal chhodti hai aur khud se aakalan ke liye kah jati hai ... Ki kya Sejal sahi thi jo bewade ko jhelti thi aur anth me ek hi rasta bacha ya fir Nitin ko samjhaya ja sakta tha.. kyonki tha to piyakkad lekin hath nahi uthata tha apni biwi par...

Kahani me kuch kamiyan bhi rahi .. jiske chalte thoda sa confusion hota hai.. mana ki short story me detail nahi dala ja sakta.. lekin murder aur investigations ke scene thode clear hone chahiye .. kyonki ek para ke pichle scene me aur next para ke scene me bahut ho anter dekhne milta hai jo confusion ka karan ban jata hai. Sath hi sath domastic violenece ke scene par bhi thode kaam karne ki jaroorat thi.

Kyonki jis prakar ke samvad Nitin ke hain surwat main.. utne shaq ke baad kisi bhi bewde ka hath uth jana aam baat hota hai... Ya to us samvad me shaq ko kam kar ke aasanaka rakha jana chahiye tha... Ya is level ke sahq ke baad 2-4 jharap ke scene hone chahiye the...

Kahani me kuch jagah galiyon ke prayog bahut hi realistic lage to kahin kahin ye kuch ajib sa feel kara jata hai...

Overall .. ek achi aur sadhi hui story ... Bus end par thoda aur mehnat ki jaroorat thi... Lekin fir bhi .. apne samvad aur readers par asar chhodne me pura shaksham ...

Best of luck for the contest

 

[Naina]

Story =हीरो
Writer = ag86

Hero woh hota hai joh khud se pehle dusro ke bade mein soche . jaise ki ish kahani ke do aham kirdaar aman aur woh doctor... kahani ki suruwat mein hi aman ne ush Dr ki jaan bachake insaaniyat aur farz ko nibhana, yeh bhi nayak ka hi visheshta hai.. .. ..aman, paiso se hi nahin balki mann ka bhi Dhani hai... Ushe jab malum hua ki Doctor ek medicine desh ke suraksha karne walo ke liye banane wala hai isliye woh madad karne ke liye razi ho gaya... Jab ushe pata chala ki kuch bure soch wale doctor ke piche pade hain toh khud apne hi ghar mein hi underground lab banake Doctor ko diya taki bina kisike najar aaye surakshit roop se woh medicine taiyar kar sake... lekin un dono ki bad luck ki ashok jaise bure log pata chal gaya aur hamla bol diya aman ke ghar pe..... isike chalte kahin medicine phir se banane ke liye doctor ko pakad kar na le ashok, yahin soch ke bina parwah kiye khud ka hi balidaan de diya us doctor ne ... lekin twist hai ki medicine aman ko injected karke gaya.... aur iski badoulat aman ne ashok jaise samaaj ke dusmano ko unke anjam tak pahuncha diya.. medicine se joh shakti mili us se sirf samaaj ke dusmano kilaaf hi aajmaya... aur baad mein bhi uska soch yahin raha ki jab bhi samaaj mein aisa kuch ho tab hi is shakti ki prayog karega warna nahi...... sach mein aman ne ek nayak ki soch rakhta hai.. aur uske soch ko ek Salam... aur ush doctor ke balidaan ko bhi ek salam.. jisne apni parwah na karte huye antim saans tak apne desh bade mein hi socha...
kahani aur kahani ke dono kirdaaro ke jariye kahani ke naam ko sarthak kar diya hain writer sahab ne... aur kaafi acchi flow thi kahani ki....
ag86 ji Brilliant story line with awesome writing skill

 

[Naina]

Story = खोया हुआ प्यार
Writer = ag86

bahot hi shandar kahani thi...
... rohan ka pyar shneha ki prati tabh bhi sachha tha jab shneha amit se pyar karti thi aur tab bhi sachha raha jab shneha ki shaadi amit se ho gayi ..shneha ke liye dil mein pyar ki jyoti jagaye rakha...aur ab jab itne saalo baad shnena aur rohan mile aur rohan pata chala ki shneha ne bite saalo mein kitni dukh jheli hai toh woh tarap utha.. uski hisse ki dukh dard ko khushi mein badalne ke liye woh atur sa ho utha .. isliye itne dino se dabi huyi mann ki baat shneha samne izhaar kiya... aur usne yeh bhi ehsaas dilaya ki agar is duniya mein dilo jaan koi shneha ko chahta hai woh sirf rohan hi hai ... shneha ne bhi is baat ehsaas kiya ki rohan ka pyar halaat dekhke nahin badalta, uska pyaar hamesha se hi sachha aur pak tha aur rahega shneha ke liye..... isliye usne shaadi ki pratab ko sahmati di..... aur ant mein dono ek ho gaye.. aur rohan ko khoya hua pyar bapach mil gaya... aur ishi tarah is kahani ki happy ending huyi...
sachha pyar halaat ya paristithi dekhke nahi badlta balki woh atut rahta hai iski udaharan writer sahab ne is kahani ke jariye humare samaks pesh karne ki koshish ki hain jisme woh sampoorna roop se kamyab rahe....
ag86 ji Brilliant story line with awesome writing skill

 

[Naina]

Story =Ek Adhuri Kahani
Writer = QUASAR
kaafi bhavuk kahani thi
Garibi, iske bade sochte hi kuch tasveere banne lagti hai mann mein jiske bade mein sochke dil mein huq si uthti hai... par garib log ki khasiyat aur kabiliyat yeh hai ki yeh log adjustment, compromise aur sacrifice karna jante hai.. mehnati bhi hote hai aur sabse badi baat in me sahan karne ki takat bhi zyada hai bakiyo se... par samaaj mein kuch logo aise bhi hote hai joh inke gairat, atmasamman ke sath kilwad kar inki sahansilta tod dete hai..kabhi kabhi jiska parinam bahot ghatak hota hai... jaise gopal ke sath hua...
aarush aur shruti ke bich prem ankurit hona suru hi hua tha ki aarush k maut ke sath hi unki pyar ki kahani ki bhi ant ho gayi ...woh bhi sirf kuch nich, gire huye soch rakhne wale gopal, raj jaise logo ke wajah se .. jinka jameer mar chuka hai... aise log joh samaaj mein apni khokhli dabangai dikhane failana, ke alawa kuch nahi jante.. apne se kamjor logo ke upor atyachar karna jaise inlogo ka janam jat adhikar hota hai .... garib ka khoon pani aisi soch rakhte hai yeh log... ... par kehte hai na jaisi karni waisi bharni... gopal maara gaya.. raj ke sar se baap chaya hat gaya.... lekin dukh ki baat hai ki inlogo ke atyachar ke chalte ant mein us masoom ko yeh duniya chhod ke jana para...
kahani ki jariye kuch logo ki upor ullekh kiye gaye soch ko jish tarike se writer sahab ne pesh kiya woh sach mein kabile tarif hain... ek bahot achha sandesh bhi diya hai ki dusro ko apman karne ya majak udane se pehle ek baar soch le ki kiya karne jaa rahe hai .. kyunki kisi par ungli uthauge to baki ke chaar ungliya aapki taraf hi hote hai yeh bhulna nahi chahiye aur sath hi aage ke hone wale parinamo ke bade mein bhi ek baari soch lena chahiye...
... Flow kaafi achhi rahi story ki..
QUASAR ji Brilliant story line with awesome writing skill

 

[The Blue Prince]

UNFAITHFUL AND ALCOHOLIC By The Blue Prince

Short story me rythm aur vishay ka chunaw atyant hi aawsyak hota hai... Unfaithful And Alcoholic unhi sab kahaniyon me se ek hai...

Domastic violence aur crime based ye story shuru se anth tak aap ko bore nahi hone degi. Ek tagda piyyakad saki pati Nitin aur mali haalat se jhoojhti Sejal...

Halanki bahut kuch pahle hi clear ho chuka tha aur likhne wali ki hi khoobsoorti thi jo Sejal ke anaitik sambandhon ko wo upar hi baton baton me likh gaye... Jaise ki pati ke liye daru arrenge karna ... 4 room wale kamre me rahna aur jhadi pocha karna .

Shuru me laga yaar ye kaise ho sakta hai ... Ek jimmedar aurat wo bhi itne ache ghar ki jhadu pocha kar rahi aur sath me pati ki daru b maintain karna ... Jo ki kam se kam rojana 1000 ka kharcha to hoga hi ... Fir aage jab kahaini badhi aur in sab baton par dhyan gaya to laga ye to humare liye hint hai...

Khair ek sikke ke do pahlu hote hain .. acha bhi aur bura bhi .. lekin kahani kisi bhi sandarv ko nahi dikhati wo bas aap ke liye sawal chhodti hai aur khud se aakalan ke liye kah jati hai ... Ki kya Sejal sahi thi jo bewade ko jhelti thi aur anth me ek hi rasta bacha ya fir Nitin ko samjhaya ja sakta tha.. kyonki tha to piyakkad lekin hath nahi uthata tha apni biwi par...

Kahani me kuch kamiyan bhi rahi .. jiske chalte thoda sa confusion hota hai.. mana ki short story me detail nahi dala ja sakta.. lekin murder aur investigations ke scene thode clear hone chahiye .. kyonki ek para ke pichle scene me aur next para ke scene me bahut ho anter dekhne milta hai jo confusion ka karan ban jata hai. Sath hi sath domastic violenece ke scene par bhi thode kaam karne ki jaroorat thi.

Kyonki jis prakar ke samvad Nitin ke hain surwat main.. utne shaq ke baad kisi bhi bewde ka hath uth jana aam baat hota hai... Ya to us samvad me shaq ko kam kar ke aasanaka rakha jana chahiye tha... Ya is level ke sahq ke baad 2-4 jharap ke scene hone chahiye the...

Kahani me kuch jagah galiyon ke prayog bahut hi realistic lage to kahin kahin ye kuch ajib sa feel kara jata hai...

Overall .. ek achi aur sadhi hui story ... Bus end par thoda aur mehnat ki jaroorat thi... Lekin fir bhi .. apne samvad aur readers par asar chhodne me pura shaksham ...

Best of luck for the contest

Thank you so much dear for reading my story and giving a detailed review . Kyunki bada aacha lagta hai jabh koi beautiful tarike se analysis kare story and apna point of view rakhe

Well you are right , short stories main detailed explanation ki jaroorat nahin hoti except some important plot points that need to be explained well . Haan bhai I left the decision to decide who is right or wrong on the readers. btw according to me both were culprits

No dear , sejal didn't arrange alcohol for her husband, she only puts sleeping pills in the bottle or glass.

Aapki baat se sehmat hun ki us din bhi 2-3 baar jhadap honi chahiye thi. But it can be made clear from the story that they were fighting like this since last week. So jhadap hoti rehti thi.

Us raat sejal jaldi se room main chali gayi aur nitin ne chaaku bhi nikala lakin shayad je jyada ho gaya tha us din. Woh chaaku ? aar paar karne ki baat kar raha tha.

It was a hint that pehle bhi maar kutaayi ya jhadap hoti rehti thi. But haan yeh reader pe depend hai kya sochna hain. Aur aapke point of view bhi valid hain dear

Baaki bhai again thank you so much for this lovely review. I am so happy ? that you read my story and care to drop your opinion

Regards
The Blue Prince

 

[nain11ster]

Thank you so much dear for reading my story and giving a detailed review . Kyunki bada aacha lagta hai jabh koi beautiful tarike se analysis kare story and apna point of view rakhe

Well you are right , short stories main detailed explanation ki jaroorat nahin hoti except some important plot points that need to be explained well . Haan bhai I left the decision to decide who is right or wrong on the readers. btw according to me both were culprits

No dear , sejal didn't arrange alcohol for her husband, she only puts sleeping pills in the bottle or glass.

Aapki baat se sehmat hun ki us din bhi 2-3 baar jhadap honi chahiye thi. But it can be made clear from the story that they were fighting like this since last week. So jhadap hoti rehti thi.

Us raat sejal jaldi se room main chali gayi aur nitin ne chaaku bhi nikala lakin shayad je jyada ho gaya tha us din. Woh chaaku ? aar paar karne ki baat kar raha tha.

It was a hint that pehle bhi maar kutaayi ya jhadap hoti rehti thi. But haan yeh reader pe depend hai kya sochna hain. Aur aapke point of view bhi valid hain dear

Baaki bhai again thank you so much for this lovely review. I am so happy ? that you read my story and care to drop your opinion

Regards
The Blue Prince

Do din pehle woh apne ek dost se mila tha. Hai toh uska dost bhi bewda tha lakin woh iski kaafi madad kar deta tha. Thode bhut paison ki madad ya sharaab ki bottle ka jugaad.

Asal main sejal ke kaaran hi ghar ka guzara chalta tha. Wo logon ke ghar main jhaaru-pooche ka kaam karti thi. Wo din bhar mehnat karti aur udhar Nitin daaru se tunn hoke poora din bistar pe gaand rakh ke soya rehta. Aur raat main fir daaru peeke bawal karta

maine story ke dono point quote kiye hain .. jahan jahan Nitin ke sharab ki charcha hai....
1) Nitin ka dost roj sharab ya paise to jugad kar ke nahi hi de sakta .. koi bhi dost bahut jyada se jyada hafte 1 ek din ka kharcha uthayega...
2) Jab wo koi kaam hi nahi karta to fir swal ye rah jata hai ki uske roj ke daru ka kharch kaun uthata hai ...

... main hawai assumptions nahi deta saar .. jo aap ne likha hai wahin se uthata hun ...

 

[The Blue Prince]

maine story ke dono point quote kiye hain .. jahan jahan Nitin ke sharab ki charcha hai....
1) Nitin ka dost roj sharab ya paise to jugad kar ke nahi hi de sakta .. koi bhi dost bahut jyada se jyada hafte 1 ek din ka kharcha uthayega...
2) Jab wo koi kaam hi nahi karta to fir swal ye rah jata hai ki uske roj ke daru ka kharch kaun uthata hai ...

... main hawai assumptions nahi deta saar .. jo aap ne likha hai wahin se uthata hun ...

Mere pyaare dost. Apne Jo points quote kiye hain wo jo aap soch rahe hain, woh bhi baat nikl sakti hain. Lakin jaisa ki maine pehla bataya short stories main kuch baatein readers ki imaginations aur common sense pe chorni padti hain.

1) Apne sahi kaha . Uska dost roz nahi madad karta tha paison ki ya sharaab ki. Lakin jaise woh roz uske pass jaata tha . Akhir dost tha uska. Dono sharaab ke shaukeen. Toh nitin uske saath pegg maar leta hoga jabh bhi jaata hoga. Yeh nahi keh raha ki poori bottle har roz wo de deta hoga dear.

2) Bilkul bhai nitin kaam nahin karta tha. Iski wajah de yeh clear hain ki sharaab ke paise wo sejal se hi leta tha. Story main likha gaya hain Sejal ki taraf se dialogue jisme woh kehti hai ki tum mujhe maar nahin sakte. Agar maar doge toh sharaab ke paise kahan se aayenge. Toh yeh seedhi baat thi ki Sejal ki kamayi se sharaab aati thi. ?

Par iska matlab yeh nahin ki sejal sharaab khushi se deti hogi. Woh paise ladayi karke cheen leta hoga ya chori nikal leta hoga. Kyunki vaise sejal ko apne pati ka sharaab peena aacha nahin lagta tha. Par aise bahut se examples hai society main jahan wife kaam karti hain aur sharaabi husband unhi paison ki sharaab gatak jaate hain. Woh bhi adjustment karte rehte hain. Chahe ladayi jhagde hote rehte hain.

Haan baad main sejal man main chahti hogi ki woh sharaab piye aur sejal ko mauka mile yaar ke saath. Par pehle toh woh bilkul nahin chahti thi uska pati bewda bane par majboori main paise dene padte hoge har roz jagde ki vajah se.

Pyaare dost apne apna point of view se baat kahin hain. Main usko bhi maanta hun. But Maine yeh apna point of view bhi bataya hain dost.

Regards
THE Blue Prince

 

[Chutiyadr]

Dr. saab aisi baat hai .. ye kahani maine padh li hai to ab jyaada mooh fula kar mat baithna .. theek hai ...

waah waah kya baat hai .. Dr. saab aapne apne poore virtual jeevan mein ye 2sri dhang ki kahani likhi hai .. he he

be-ijjaati nahi kar raha hu .. compliment de raha hu .. waise lag apmaan he raha hoga .. lagna bhi chahiye .. aakhir sacchai kadwi he hoti hai ...

maine pehle sirf 3 line he padhi thi .. to muzhe bahut acchi feeling aayi .. ki atleast Dr. saab ne chutiya panti chhod kar ek dhang ki story likhi hai ...

just jab maine 3 line padhi he thi ki .. beech mein software installation ki notification aa gayi .. so thodi der ke liye usme ulajh gaya .. agle 15 minute tak main accha he feel kar raha tha .. becoz kahani ko padhne ke kaaran accha feel ho raha tha .. but fir TAB + ALT use karke waapis brower ko maximise karke firse story continue kari he thi ki .. jaise he chauthe pariched khand ko padhte waqt .. hariya ka apni behan ke jism se chipakne wala scene aaya .. to mere feel good mood ki maachud gayi .. ke lo ho gaya satyanaash .. par fir aakhir tak mann par bojh banaye padhta raha .. kisi umeed mein ki .. lekhak ka naam Chutiya hai .. kahani bhi chutiyo wali likhta hai .. padhte bhi hum jaise chutiya he hai ...

kya pata iss baar .. lekhak ke chutiya keetanu kam ho gaye ho .. kyonki corona ne bahut kuch badla hai .. ho sakta hai .. kisi ne apni chutiyapanti chhod di ho .. aur kamaal ki baat hai .. kahani ka antt padh kar bilkul wo hua jiski ke muzhe bahut kam umeed thi .. kyonki main hu to chutiya lekhak ka chutiya yaar he naa .. to chutiya ending he expect karunga ..

kahani padhne ke baad mein muzhe feel to accha hua .. magar wo chutiya feel nahi aayi .. jiska muzhe behad he chutiyape se bhari besabri se intezaar tha .. par agar wo mil jata to fir lekhak ka trademark twisted end kaise possible hota ...

Dr. bhai agar bura laga ho to .. main kya kar sakta hu .. ab mere dost bane ho to .. muzhko jhelna to padega he .. ya to samajdaaro ki tarah apni gaand jalwaate raho .. ya fir chutiyao ki tarah hass kar bhool jana .. aur kar bhi kya sakte ho .. mere pyaare se chutiya bhai ko chutiya bhai ka chutiyapa bhara hug ..

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.. 5 staaaaaaaar story hai ...

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by the way maine sirf yahi story padhi hai .. iss competition mein .. dusri wali ko padhne ke baad review dunga ...

itane payre wachano ke liye dhanywad ff bhaiya
aur meri har story me itana bhi chutiyapa nahi hota fokat me aap log ek sarif adami ko badnaam kar rakhe ho
dusari story padho chutiyapa ka pura khajana wahi milega

 

[Chutiyadr]

thanks a lot dr sahab ... aap ke comment padh kar to apan behad khud hua..... waise revoo thoda chhota laga.. duron me 4 para ke revoo aur yahan 2 line ... baat kya hai .... ye bedbhaw ka apne ko jawab mangta hai

bhai maine koi bhi bedbahw nahi kiya , bat aisi hai ki bahut achchi story aur bahut hi jhandu story dono ki review me likhne ke liye kuch khas nahi rahta ..
jo medium stories hai usme aap suggations de sakte ho ab aapko main suggestions dene ke matlab hai ki masaal ko diya dikhane jaisa ho jayega
to jo ban pada wo likh diya story ke bare me kuchh nusk nikalna hi bologe to dundh kar wo bhi nikaal denge

note for reader -

mshobra .. wakai me shimla ki ek mashur jagah hai ... main kahe lane laga utpatang naam .. ab jagah ka naam hi aisa hai main kya karun .. aap ko bhi to cross check karna tha na ki wakai koi jagah hai ya mera paida kiya jagah hai...
dusra alpsar... to iske bare me likha to tha.. ab koi janwar ka alp roop le leta hai to uske liye ... alp+sharp=alpsar, alp+sher=alpsher .. aisa tha tha ...

ohh aisa hai kya ab main utna reserch nahi karta na jitana aap karte ho , main fantasy likhne wala adami hu fekana mera kaam hai
jyda fekna hota hai to khud ki ek duniya hi create kar leta hu taki koi objection hi na kar sake

a lot.. aap ne enjoy kiya .. mujhe acha laga

 

[Chutiyadr]

Story - Karma (Whatever you do it will be come back to you)



Link- https://xforum.live/threads/★☆★-xfo...test-2020-entry-thread-★☆★.16291/post-1534140



Writer- Damha



About story-

Ek kahawat hai ki karmo ka fal milkar hi rahta hai , hamare gyani log kah kar gaye hai ki is Adalat se to bach jaoge lekin uper wale ki Adalat se kaise bachoge ..

Har dharm aur har sanskriti ne hame achche karmo ki bate kahi hai , kahi na kahi isme koi raaj to jarur chhipa hai ..

Ye maine bhi personally bahut bar notice kiya hai ki kai bade bade paise aur power wale log jinhe apne paise aur power par bahut garur bhi hota hai unki jindagi barbad hoti hai …

Story line bahut hi achchi thi aur narration bhi badiya laga , padhne me kahi bor nahi karti story

Note for writer – damha bro mujhe aapki story bahut pasand aayi

Aise hi likhte rahiye

Best of luck for contest ?