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Horror Maut ka Aatank...!!!

Milan2010

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9 update padhe bhai... Mujhe kuch atpata sa lag raha hai. Jaisa har baar ek hi chiz jada ho rahi ho.
Police ko nahi pata kitne khun hue to file mein kya dhund rahe the.?
Kiske hue agar vo gaon ke log the to missing ki report ayi hgi police ke pas ghar ghar jane ki kya jarurat?
Aryan ka Postmartam ke liye hospital itni betabi se ana aur kisliye details ke liye jo ki vo pehle hi de chuka tha jise aryan padh chuka.
Over all kahani khinch rahi hai. Pointless ban rahi hai. Apka main plot kahani se missing hai aur police mein jada kho gaya hai.
Kuch kuch scene ache hte hain baki stry ka koi center line nahi jam raha. Meri ray yahi hai ki aap kahani ke plot par focus karo. 9 update mein shayad jeep walle scene ke alawa chilling wali feel jo horror se ati hai vo missing lagi. Baki aap likh chuke ho aage pata nahi kya hoga. Yahan tak mjhe kahani ko lekar yahi laga.

Will read further
:thanks: harshit bhai :dost:
bhai, shayad mai iss genre me pehli baar likh raha hu isliye abhi grip nahi ho paaye
likhte waqt muje bhi aisa lg raha tha lekin kuch samaj nahi aaya isliye bas likhte jaa raha tha
police ko kyu nahi pata iska jawab shayad aane wale updates me aapko mil jayega
bilkul bhai, koshish karunga ki aap ki bat ko dhyaan me rakhkar aage ke updates likhu
 

Milan2010

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Update 11 tak padha.

Kosish ki gayi ek khaufank khel dikhane ki par bikhar si gayi.
Ek pal rakesh ped ki tehni par latka agle hi vo bhag raha tha.
Sab chracters ko lekar ek sath jodne par aap sabhi ko dikhane ki kosish kar rahe ho.
Imagination powerful karne ke baad bhi scene tut rahe the.
Mushkil hai par dhire-dhire us chiz ko likho. Khud pado aap tab lagega ki ek para mei kahani tutti hai phir judti hai.

Aage padhtahun
:thanks: harshit bhai :dost:
bilkul bhai, asha karta hu aage ke updates me behtar likh pau
 

Milan2010

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Overdramatic ban rahi hai bhai kahani, update 13 tak.
Wahi kahunga kahani ek hi jagah aur ek hi dialog mein ghum rahi hai.
Adhe se jada chizen plot ko hata deti hai.

Aage padunga baad mein
:thanks: harshit1890 bhai :dost:
mai iss baat ka aage dhyaan rakhunga
thanks bhai meri galti batane ke liye aur suggestion dene ke liye
saath bane rahiye :dost:
 

Milan2010

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arre kahin woh bhoot ke aad mein buddha sarpanch toh nahi joh shreya, aashi ke sath woh sab kar diya aur sath mein rahul, sid ka bhi kaam tamam kar diya :lol:
ushe kaise pata chala kaise maare gaye yeh log.. live show dekh raha tha kya buddha wahan :budhau:definitely wohin tharki buddha hain insab ke piche :D lagta hain buddha mansaharee hain :D
Khair
Let's see what happens next
Brilliant update with awesome writing skill milu ji :applause: :applause:
:thanks: Naina ji :dost:
jaankar acha laga aapko update pasand aaya
hahahaha, ab yeh kaun hai aur kisne kiya yeh toh ab aane vala waqt hi bataega
saath bane rahiye
 

Milan2010

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Update : 22 (Firse)

Ayush “haa bolo, kya baat hai..??”

Sonali “ayush..shreyashi, voh” kehte hue voh ayush ke gale lag jaati hai aur jor jor se rone lagi

Aayush samaj jaata hai ki sonali kya bolna chahti hai “kisne maara..??”

Sonali use sabkuch bata deti hai jise sunkar Ayush “don’t worry, hum dubaara uss jagah jayenge, lekin uske pehle muje kisi se milna hoga”

Ab aage….

Sonali sawaliya bhari najro se dekhte hue puchti hai “kisse milna hai..??”

Aayush “agar yeh sach hai..toh I am sure ki unn sab ki PM jarur hui hogi”

Sonali “lekin papa ne toh saaf kaha tha ki voh police ko involve nahi karna chahte”

Aayush “haa, ho sakta hai…lekin kuch toh aisa jarur hai jo aapke chupa rahe hai” usne thoda shaq karte hue pucha

Sonali “ayush, tumhe kyu aisa lag raha hai’

Aayush “kyunki hamare pass Rahul, Sid aur Aashi ki PM report hai, lekin Shreyashi ki nahi”

Yeh sunkar Sonali chaunk jaati hai “kya..?? par kyu..i mean unn tino ka PM hua hai toh papa ne Shreyashi ka PM kyu nahi karwaya..??”

Aayush “yahi par toh kuch gadbad hai..yaa toh fir PM jarur hua hai lekin usme kuch aisa hai jo voh kisi ko batana nahi chahte”

Sonali “thik hai, lekin mai tumhare saath chalungi” ne jidd karte hue kaha..aur aayush sonali ke dost hone ki vajah se use mana nahi kar paaya

Aryan “kya..?? Shreya ke maut ke baare me Vikram ne kyu kuch nahi bataya” Aryan ne sonali ki baat ko bich me kaat te hue pucha

Sonali uski aur dekhti hai aur apni baat usne aage continue rakhi
Mai aur inspector Doctor verma ke vaha pahuche, aur hume dekhkar voh doctor kehta hai “Aayush, kya baat hai, yanha par kese”

Aayush meri aur dekhte hue “doc, yeh Sonali hai..gaanv ke sarpanch ki badi beti”

Mera naam sunkar voh doctor thoda ghabra jaata hai, lekin usne turant hi khud ko sambhala aur meri aur dekhte hue “haa mai janta hu inhe..kahiye, kya madad kar sakta hu aapki”

Maine bade hi muskil se pucha “kya aap bata sakte hai ki Shreyashi ki maut kese hui..??”

Doc Verma “shreyashi..voh kaun hai..??” usne aayush ki aur dekhte hue kaha “inspector, aesi toh koyi body mere pass nahi aayi”

Mai halka gussa karte hue “juth bol rahe hai aap, aap jaante hai mai kiski baat kar rahi hu..unhi charo mese ek laash meri behen ki bhi thi”

Aayush “dekhiye doc, agar aap kuch chupane ki koshish kar rahe hai toh uska anjaam bura hoga..Rahul, Sid aur Aashi ke saath Shreyashi bhi uss jungle me mari gayi thi”

Verma thoda haklate hue “mai juth nahi bol raha”

Aayush “are you sure doctor ki aisa koi nahi aaya..??” fir voh chalte hue thoda side ma aaya “toh fir vikram ji ne mujse yeh kyu kaha ki muje aapse jaakar milna chahiye”

Verma thoda chaunk jaata hai “kya tumhe sarpanch ji ne bheja hai” uski aawaaz achank se badal jaati hai

Tabhi aayush meri aur dekhte hue ishara karta hai, aur uska ishara samajte hi maine uss doctor se kaha “toh aapko kya lagta hai ki mai yanha kyu aayi hu doctor..?? apni behen ka shok manane ke vajay mai aapke hospital me kya kar rahi hu..??” halka sa gussa karte hue pucha

Verma “nahi, actually aapke papa ne muje dhamki dete hue kaha tha..ki agar maine yeh baat kisi ko bhi batayi toh…” voh aage nahi bol paata

Aayush “relax doc, Sonali meri dost hai, isiliye unhone yeh case muje saunpa hai..agar aap meri madad karenge toh mere liye aasani hogi”

Uski baat sunkar voh doctor kehta hai “Shreya ke marne se pehle..uska Rape kiya tha, bechari marne se pehle bahut tadpi hogi, uske sharir ke andruni hisse iss kadar damage ho gaye the..” voh aage kuch nahi bol paaya

Mere liye yeh sunna bahut muskil tha, maine ruansi awaaz me pucha “doc kisne..??” lekin mai jyada nahi bol paati aur meri aankho se aansu nikal jaate hai

Verma “sid ne, aur sirf itna hi nahi, uss bechari bacchi ka haath tak kaat diya tha”

Mere liye aur sunna muskil tha..mai khud ko sambhal nahi paayi aur vahin par behosh hokar gir padi
Kuch der baad jab muje hosh aaya toh mai hospital ke bed par leti hui thi aur Aayush mere pass baitha hua tha

Muje hosh me aate dekh Aayush kehta hai “sona, I think hume yanha se chalna chahiye”

Mai rote hue kehti hu “kyu aayush..?? papa ne itni badi baat kyu chupayi..??”

Lekin aayush kuch nahi bolta, aur uske aisa bartaav karte hue mai jor jor se roni lagi..lekin ek baat thi jo aayush ko pareshan kar rahi thi..lekin mai chahkar bhi usse puch nahi paati
Kuch der baad hum hospital se nikal jaate hai, aur aayush ne Doc ko ek aur dhamki dete hue yeh keh diya ki voh iss baare me kisiko bhi naa baataye..yanha tak ke mere papa ko bhi nahi

Aayush jeep drive karte hue puchta hai “sona, voh jagah..kya tum jaanti ho voh kaha thi”

Achanak se aayush ke kiye hue sawaal muje samaj nahi aaya “haa..par kyu..??”

Aayush meri aur dekhte hue kehta hai “sona, kuch toh gadbad hai, hume vaha jaana hoga”

Mai “abhi..??” mere dil me vahi darr firse umad aaya

Aayush “haa sona, hum abhi vahi jayenge” kehte hue usne jeep ko uss jungle ki aur mod diya

Mai “nahi aayush, iss waqt nahi..aur abhi sham bhi hone vali hai, hume iss waqt uss jungle me nahi jaana chahiye” mene darte hue Aayush se kaha

Aayush “sona, agar Shreya ke khooni tak pahuchna hai, toh hume abhi jaana hoga..shayad hume kuch clue mil jaaye” ek alag chamak uski aankho me dikh rahi thi

Mai “tu kya soch raha hai, mai dekh rahi hu..jabse uss doctor ne shreyashi ke baare me bataya hai tabse tu pareshan hai” yeh kehte hue fir ek baar meri aankho se aansu nikal aaye

Aayush ekdum gambhir hote hue bola “sona, voh atyachar sirf Shreyashi par nahi..Aashi par bhi hua tha, bas farak itna tha ki aashi ke saath vesa kuch nahi hua..lekin use bhi bahut behrehmi se maara gaya tha”

“mai kuch samaj nahi rahi” uski baat sunte hi maine sawaal kiya

Aayush “aashi ke saath jabardasti karne ki koshish jarur ki gayi thi, uske sharir ke kahi saare ango par chaut ke nishan mile the..lekin uske marne ki vajah dil ka dohra tha, aur uske baal..maano uske sar ke saare baal..aisa lag raha tha jese khich kar nikal diye gaye ho”

Yeh sunkar mai bhi seham jaati hu “koi itna behreham kese ho sakta hai”

Aayush “yakeen maan sona, abhi toh aisa kuch hai jise sunkar tu khud samaj nahi paayegi”

Mai “aisa kya hai aayush..??”

Aayush “PM report ke mutabik, Rahul ne aashi ke saath voh karne ki koshish ki thi..aur aashi ne apne bachav me Rahul par kayi vaar bhi kiye the, aur vahi sid ne shreyashi ke saath aisa kiya..toh fir voh maara kese gaya..??”

Yeh sunkar mai bhi chaunk jaati hu “yeh kese ho sakta hai..?? papa ne toh kaha tha ki Rahul bhi maara gaya tha”

Aayush “haa sona, Rahul ki maut uske dil ke nikaal dene ki vajah se hui thi..aur sirf itna nahi..uska taaja dil Sid ne khaaya tha, kyunki uska maans Sid ke daanto me paaya gaya hai aur jab Sid ki laash mili tab Rahul ka dil uske haath me tha”

Yeh sunkar muje ghiinn si aane lagti hai “fir sid ko kise mara..??” maine badi muskil se sawaal kiya

Aayush “yahi toh gadbad hai, sid ki maut ke baare me koi proper reason nahi mila..i mean uske sharir par kahi bhi gaanv ke nishan nahi the..aur naa hi use koi andruni chaut lagi thi”

“matlab voh aviay mar gaya..??” sawaliya bhari najro se dekhte hue maine Aayush se sawaal kiya

Aayush “haa, isiliye muje vaha jaana hai” uske baad maine Aayush ko vanha ka rasta dikhaya

Kuch der ki baad mai firse uss jagah aagayi thi jaha par maine Shreyashi ko khooya tha
Aaj bhi voh ghar vahi par maujud tha..lekin

To be continued…
 

harshit1890

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Update 15 tak padha.
Apki pehli kosish hai horror ki. Par sadly kahani horror se bhatka di apne. Kosish karna next tym kahani ko uske plot se jod kar rakhna
Is update mein ek mistake thi, patil ne bet ke liye parso bola na ki kal kyun ki use pichle din aryan jungle mei hui maut ke andar fans gaya tha so just write apne bulaya tha. Day count dene ki jarurat nahi pdegi
Scnd thing character bht jod liye apne and ab aap sabse kuch na kuch activity karwaoge to dhayan rkhna ki coordination rahe.
Iske alawa ek aur baat 14 update ka end tap karne se hua aur 15 mein itni baton ke bich apne uska jikar nahi kiya jabki vo point ban raha tha apne patil ki beti naina ke sath hi ek hi dialog barbar bulwaya aur main prt skip kr dia jo ki theek tha kahani ke time par use bataya jayega. Par yahan ho kya raha hai ki aap sab kuch suspense rkh rhe ho aur kuch nahi batana cha rahe jo ek sath karoge aur jab ek sath kroge to fans jaoge. Isliye jhn jahan suspense release krna ho lage ki fit hai use batate chalna varna aisa lagega kahani ek theory hai jiska pratical last mein pata chalega. Tutti hui ho jati hai kahani.
 

Naina

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Lagta hain buddha sarpanch aur ush jungle mein joh hain uske bich rishta bahut purana hain....
janta hain ki ush jungle kuch aisa hain joh sehat ke liye hanikarak hain phir bhi wahan chala gaya Sonali k mana karne ke baavajut.. yeh aayush khud to marega sath mein bechari Sonali ko bhi le dubega.....
Khair let's see what happens next
Brilliant update with awesome writing skill milu ji :applause: :applause:
 
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harshit1890

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Update 20 Tak padha.
Bich bich mein kahani bahut bikhri hui hai. Pr jodneki achi kosish.
Abhi tak jo apne kahani mein dikhaya vo update 20 ki ek soch thi shyd abhi tk ki sabse best.
Jo apne vo scene create kiya ki bol kuch aur sun kuch rahe hain vo absolutely ek new thinking thi. Mujhe jo kami lagi thi vo ape execution mein likhe gaye dialog ki. Aap ab bahut purani writer ban gaye ho. To apko ab dialog ab kahani ke hissab se likhna hoga. Scene ko kam likho bhale hi par rok kar likho. jauri nahi dialog se kahani aage badhe. A script matters jo writer padhne wale ko rok rakhega.
Fir bhi i appreciate your this thinking. just execution part needs a little more effort and right thinking.
 
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