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★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2023 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

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Trinity

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Last date for posting reviews for the award of best reader is also increased, now you can post your reviews to feature in the best reader award till 15 th March 2023 11:59 Pm.You can also post your reviews After that deadline but they won't be counted for the best readers award. So Cheers.
 

manu@84

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बेहतर होता , आप अपनी स्टोरी पर ध्यान फोकस करते। वैसे लगातार तीन साल से कांटेस्ट मे एवं एक लम्बी स्टोरी लिखा था मैने और पिछली बार एक प्राइज भी जीता था।
जब कोई जानकारी न हो तो किसी भी तरह के कमेन्ट से बचना चाहिए। शायद आपने अपनी कहानी का एक रीडर खो दिया। वो कहानी जहां मुझे लेकर मात्र तीन चार रीडर्स ही होंगे।
आत्म मुग्ध होना कभी कभी बहुत भारी पड़ जाता है। :mad:
आपका इस तरह react करना मानव स्वभाव है, कहानी लिखने वाले लोग मन से, दिल से, उम्मीद से, शब्दों को पिरोकर एक रचना बनाते है....

लेकिन पढ़ने वाला जरा सा भी उस रचना की विवेचना करता है तो वो उसको बर्दाश्त नही कर पाता... आपका मेरे review पर उत्तेजित हो जाना कोई पहली घटना नही है। इससे पहले भी आपने एक और पाठक की टिप्पड़ी पर ऐसा ही कुछ react किया था।

आपने कितनी कहानी लिखी, पुरुष्कार् जीते मुझे जानकारी नही थी... लेकिन उसका इस तरह प्रदर्शन करके आप भी साधारण व्यक्ति की भाँति अहंकार से ग्रसित लगे मुझे....!

मै xfourm की सारी टीम को धन्यवाद देना चाहता हूँ, जिसने इस कहानियों के मेले के माध्यम से व्यक्ति के व्यक्तिव का सही आकलन करवाया...

मेरी रनिंग कहानी को पढ़ना, reivew देना ये आपकी निजी राय है, मै कोई दुकानदार नही जो कम ग्राहक आने का और जो है उनके जाने का शोक मनाऊ... मै तो शब्द लिखता हूँ खुद के लिए....

अंत में अगर मेरी वजह से आपका मूड खराब हुआ तो उसके लिए 🥃🥃 बहुत कम लोग जानते है शराब पुरुषों की हेमपुष्पा होती है।😂😂😂

धन्यवाद
 
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Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- GAIA
Writer :- psychoknight

Positive points :-
Such me bahut hi Kamal ki story thi. Aur Kya khubsurat tarike se narration kiya aapne, maja hi aa gaya. Aapki story Nature based thi. Har koi janta hai Aaj ke time me Dinesh jaise Humans apne lalach me nature ke sath kya kya khilwad kar rahe hai. Aur time time par Nature iska panishment bhi inhe de hi rahi hai. Aur aage bhi deti rahegi. Story me jo sex scenes add kiya aapne wo bhi story ke hisab se bilkul perfect laga. Kyu agar aap yaha isme kamukta dikhate to wo galt lagta. But story ke hisab se aapne ise bikul normal rakha. Gaia ko aapne bikul sahi se darsaya hai. Sath me story ke jariye Mahakal guffa ya us tribe ke bare me aapne jo bhi jankari di ye jaan wo mujhe bahut acha laga.

Negative points :-
Story ki sbse badi kami mujhe ye lagi ki Raghu ke bas is ek incident ke batane se story ka Hero darne lagta hai. Ha agar is story ko sun kar wo Nature ko aur ache se feel karta, samjhta to baat smjh me aati. Lakin uska aise darna thoda jyada laga. Kahi kahi grammatical mistakes thi. Fir story me jab un trib walo ke sath bura ho raha tha tha aap use thoda aur deep me dikhate tho emotions aur ache se jahir hote.

Best dialogue :-
" The ancient act of procreation was turned into a playful acrobatic endeavor, their bodies rise up and sank down like ships in a sea, together, in harmony. "

Conclusion :-
Mujhe aapki 1st story isase jyada achi lagi. Ye story bhi ek high level ki story hai. But winner race me mai aapki 1st story ko hi dekhna chahunga.
Aur ha thank you so much ki aapke wajah se mere jukhaw english Story's ki taraf bhi ab jaa raha hai.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- वक्त की लुका छिपी
Writer :- Riky007

Positive points :-
Story to achi thi. Concept aur narration bhi thik thak tha. Kafi chije dikhane ki kosis bhi ki aapne. Aur story ke title ke hisab se wakt ki luka chhipi bhi hme dikhayi diya. Story leap lene ke baad past se connect bhi thik thak hi hui. Story ke kirdar bhi almost sahi hi lage.

Negative points :-
Aapki is story me 1st story ki taraf feeling nahi jage. Words me bhi bahut mistakes the.
" ये बोलते ही रोहन अपना बैग में अपना सामान भरते हुए बाहर निकल जाता है, और रिसेप्शन पर पेमेंट करके अंजली के घर की ओर निकल पड़ता है.... "
Yaha to Amay hona cahiye tha na. To Aapne Glti se Rohan likh diya. Aur ye Rohan ko aapne 2-4 jagah kunal bana diya.
Iske alawa aap story me Amay aur mili ke bich love kaise hue usko aur ache se dikha skte the.


Best dialogue :-
" जीवन में पैसे की अहमियत उसे उसके रिश्तेदारों ने भी अच्छे से समझा दी थी। "

Conclusion :-
Jb aap phle hi match me 100 maar denge to next match me jarur sbki nigahen aapke upar lagi rahegi. Aur jo log aapke 1st match me techniques nd baki chijo par dhyan nahi diye honge wo sare log aapke 2nd match me sub kuch dekh rahe honge.
Bas aapke is story ke sath bhi yahi hua. Ummid karta hu aap next time apne level ko increase hi karenge.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- How I taught Abhi to respect his mom
Writer :- robbieom

Positive points :-
Story me sirf 4 kirdar the. Jo ki short story ke hisab se bilkul sahi tha. Story puri tarah se sex ke upar aadharit thi. Foreplay nd sex ko bhi aapne ache se dikhaya hai. Story kamuk bhi lagi.

Negative points :-
Story ke main female kirdar ka name hi nahi bataya aapne. Jo ki ek bahut badi kami thi. Fir aapne story me sex ke alawa aur kuch dikhane ki kosis bhi nahi ki. Chlo sex hua to thik hai. Lakin agar aap usase phle dono kaise ek dusre ke itna najdik aaye agar aap ye aur ache se dikhate to maja hi aa jata. Aapke paragraph bhi bahut bade bade the. Jisase story read krne me problem aati hai.

Best dialogue :-
" I'm showing your mother the love and respect that neither you or your father have ever given her "

Conclusion :-
Aapki story mujhe ek avg. Story hi lagi. Ha sex scene aapne ache se dikhaya.
Ummid karta hu aap next time sex me sath aur chije add krke ek achi story pesh karenge.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- प्रेम ही पुजा है (चाहत)
Writer :- SultanTipu40

Positive points :-
Aapke kahani ki shuruaat mujhe bahut hi achi lagi. Ekdam dil ko chhu gayi. Story ka concept bhi acha tha. Sangeet ke jariye aapne kadam kadam par samaj ki sacchai bhi dikhane ki kosis ki. Ending bhi story ki aapne sahi dikhaya.

Negative points :-
Sbse phli baat starting me kuch paragraph 2-3 baar repeat ho gaye. Jabki story me feeling aani wahi se suru hua tha. But iske wajah se sara flow break ho gaya. Word aur sentences me kafi mistakes the. Fir story ka narration acha nahi tha. Chije sahi sequence me nahi lagi. Fir kafi information missing the.
1. Pooja ki sadi kaise tuti ?
2. Wo Baba se kaise mili. Unhone use kaise bachaya ?
3. Baba hospital kyu gaye the ?
4. Prem wapas kyu nahi aay ?


Best dialogue :-
" मां आप मत रोईये नं। मां मुझे भुख नही लगी है । मां मां मां "

Conclusion :-
Aapke story ka concept to bahut acha tha bhai aur feelings bhi jabardast aayi thi Maa bete ka scene read krke. Lakin uske baad jo story niche giri wo kabhi wapas se uth hi nahi payi.
Ummid karta hu aage se aap apni story ek baar post krne se phle ek baar read jrur krenge jisase hi aap almost 90 percent galtiya kud dekh payenge, aur unhen sudhar karke hmare samne jabardast story pesh karenge.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- हम – एक दूजे के वास्ते
Writer :- Dynamic2

Positive points :-
Story to achi thi. Narration bhi acha hi tha. Khaskar story ka 1st part kafi ache se dikhaya aapne. Sex scene bhi story ke hisab se thik thak the. Kahi bhi story bhagti hui nahi lagi. Gaw ka parivesh bhi aapne thik se dikhaya. Jisme do bhai the. Aur mostly aisa hi hota hai ki bada jimmedar nikalta hai to chota uske pyar me bigad jata hai. Lakin jaise ki hmare yaha ke bade logo ka kehna hota hai na " iski sadi karwa do. Ye sudhar jayega. "
Yaha bhi wahi hua Sivam ki jab sadi kusum se hoti hai wo sudhar jata hai. Damini ne bhi Shivam ko maa ke roop me kitna pyar diya ye bhi hme dikhayi diya.
Fir wo filmo ki tarah wo tufan ki raat aati hai aur sbke jindgi me tufan la kar sub kuch badal deti hai. Par bhala ho Damini ka jisne sub kuch sambhal liya tha. Aur Shivam ne aakhir me dono ki khokh bhar di.


Negative points :-
Aapke story me word aur sentences me kafi mistakes hai. Fir Shivam aur Damini ke bich ke Maa, bete ke roop ke pyar ko aap ek do ghatnao se aur ache se dikha skte the. 2nd half me story thodi bhagti si lagi. Aur mere hisab se aapko aur ache aur kamuk pic add karne cahiye the. Aur ye Ishan kaha se story me aa gaya bhai ?

Best dialogue :-
" कहते हे ना की लोग मंजिल के बहोत करीब आ कर हार मान लेते हे क्यू को वो आने वाली सफलता से अंजान होते हे... "

Conclusion :-
Mujhe aapki ye story aapki 1st story se kafi jyada achi lagi. Yaha chijo ka matlab nikal raha tha. Story bhi logical lagi. Aapki ye story mujhe Avg. Story se kafi upar lagi. Lakin fir bhi isme wo baat nahi thi ki ye winners ki list me samil ho.
Ummid karta hu ki aap aage in bato par dhyan dete hue aur bhi jabardast story hmare samne le kar aayenge.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- Sico Kavita.
Writer :- Shetan

Positive points :-
To ye aapki 4th story hai. Story ka concept bilkul unique tha. Read karke kafi maja aaya. Kahi kahi story me comedy scenes bhi the. Jo ki bahut ache lage. Story ki ending kafi achi lagi.

Negative points :-
Spelling mistakes bahut the. Sex scenes me wo feeling nahi aayi. Na hi aapne unko jyada explain kiya. Ye dadi kaha chali gayi ? Uske bare me to aapne kuch bataya hi nahi.

Best dialogue :-
" pyar kisi ko kisi se bhi kahi par bhi ho sakta he. "

Conclusion :- Overall story thik thak hi thi. But mujhe ek baat pata chli aapke bare me. Mujhe lagta hai aap comedy story ache se likh sakti hai to ek baar koi comedy story likhne ki kosis karke dekhiye.
 

Itachi_Uchiha

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Story :- दया ,जेठा बबिता का थ्रिसम
Writer :- vds

Positive points :-
Aapne ek bahut hi famous serial ke uapr ye story likhi. Ye is foram ka ek bahut hi famous topic hai. Jise sare log bhut jyada pasand bhi karte hai. Aapne edit krke pic ke jariye story ki kamukta ko badhane ki safal kosis ki hai.

Negative points :-
Story puri nahi hai. Kafi jagah word nd sentence sahi nahi hai. Kahani bahut jyada small lagi. Aapke paas abhi itne jyada word count bache the ki aap bahut kuch dikha skte the.

Best dialogue :-
" वो तो मैं जितना गरबा करती हूं न उतना करते है मुझे "

Conclusion :-
Kul mila kar aapki story ek below Avg. Story se jyada kuch nahi lagi mujhe. Sirf famous topic le lene se hi story best nahi ho sakti hai. Use best banane ke liye aapko mehnat karni hoti hai. Jo aapne puri nahi ki hai.
Ummid karta hu next time in bato ka aap dhyan rakhoge.
 

Shetan

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Story :- Sico Kavita.
Writer :- Shetan

Positive points :- To ye aapki 4th story hai. Story ka concept bilkul unique tha. Read karke kafi maja aaya. Kahi kahi story me comedy scenes bhi the. Jo ki bahut ache lage. Story ki ending kafi achi lagi.

Negative points :- Spelling mistakes bahut the. Sex scenes me wo feeling nahi aayi. Na hi aapne unko jyada explain kiya. Ye dadi kaha chali gayi ? Uske bare me to aapne kuch bataya hi nahi.

Best dialogue :- " pyar kisi ko kisi se bhi kahi par bhi ho sakta he. "

Conclusion :- Overall story thik thak hi thi. But mujhe ek baat pata chli aapke bare me. Mujhe lagta hai aap comedy story ache se likh sakti hai to ek baar koi comedy story likhne ki kosis karke dekhiye.
Thank you very much Valentine. Me isi concept par full story likhne ka soch rahi hu. Long tarike se. Bahot bahot shukriya. Kyo ki is story ka me consepet ke alava kuchh sahi se nahi jata pai. Ha sochte sochte comedi kese likh diya. Ye me bhi nahi janti. Par likhungi jarur.
 
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Dungeon Master

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Kehte hai ki, ‘Apni sabse keemti meethi yaado ko sirf tasveero me hi nahi, apne dil me bhi rakhna chahiye.’

Taaki aane waale waqt me aap unke baare me soch apni yaadein taaza kar sake.

Samay bhi issi baat pe yakeen rakhta tha. Uski maa ne usse ye bataya hua tha.

Parantu,

“Iski maa ki chut!! Saala kaha fass gaya mein?” Woh kheejte hue khud se bola.

Musladhar barish ho rahi thi. Tip-Tip karke barsaat ki bhaari boonde uske muh par tezz gati me thapede maare jaa rahi thi. Raincoat pehen’ne ke bawajood woh andar se bheeg chuka tha.

Garajte baadalo ke neech, ghapp andhere me woh ek haath me torch liye aage badhta jaa raha tha.

“Mujhe raazi hi nahi hona tha.”

Baarish itni tezz thi ki sadak par paani talaiyye ki tarah bhar ke uske aadhe joote ko bhigo ke beh raha tha.

“Bas! Ye akhiri kaam aur!”

Aana toh nahi chaahta tha, magar aana zaroori tha. Na aane se uska ghaata ho jaata.

Jab bade aadmi ke neeche kaam kiya jaaye toh hamesha adhik kaam karne ke liye khud ko taiyaar rakhna chahiye.

Ek civil engineer hone ke naate woh ye baat jaan chuka tha. Ab kaam toh kal hi samaapt ho gaya tha aur aaj raat ki train se uski apne jile ke liye waapsi bhi thi. Par ye achanak se ek aur kaam uske sarr laad diya gaya.

Ab agar woh isse na karta toh zaahir hai ki thekedaar Mishra uski kamaayi se kuch hissa toh kaat hi leta, upar se bhavishya me usse apne saath kaam bhi nahi karne deta. Koi apne hi perr par kulhadi maarna nahi chaahega.

Jawan hote hue usse gussa bhi jald aata tha. Magar abhi wo uss qaabil nahi tha jaha wo Mishra jaise bade aadmi se zabaan lada sake. Gusse ko peete hue wo iss kaam ke liye raazi ho gaya.

Building ko uska dhaacha dena, uski neev, uska naksha, kul milaake poore architecture me woh kahi na kahi Mishra ki madad karwaya karta tha.

Delhi ke iss baahri ilaake me aaj ye uska antim kaarya tha. Aur woh tha blueprint me likhe gaye anko ko building ke naap se milaana. Taaki kaam agle din se sahi naap ke saath shuru ho sake.

Baadha banke jo saamne aayi woh thi ye baarish. Vanaspati ne bhi apna kaam acchi tarah se kiya hua tha. Ekmaatr seedhi sadak ke agal-bagal lambe ghane ped-paudhe iska saboot the.

Samay ka kaam chhota zaroor tha par badi hi zimmedari ka tha.

Accha hota agar yaha saadhan uplabdh hote. Aaya to wo yaha auto me hi tha, par sunsaan raaste ki shuruaat hote hi auto-waale ne usse utaar diya.

Auto-waale ke anusaar iss raaste par raat ko aana khatre se khaali nahi tha. Maana jaata tha ki shaam dhalne ke baad iss raaste se guzarte hue ajeeb-ajeeb sii awaazein, cheenkhein sunaayi diya karti thi. Aur kayi haadse aksar khabro me aaya karte the.

Yahi kaaran tha jo woh iss tarah haath me torch liye apni manzil par nikla hua tha.

“Beda gark ho Mishra ka! Ufufufu~ Ye thand!!”

Kuch derr tak yu hi chalne ke baad uski nazar me kuch aaya. Sadak toh abhi bhi seedhi thi par daayi orr usse ek bada ghar dikhaayi diya.

Ghar ki poori battiya gul thi. Prateet ho raha tha jaise ghar kayi varsho se yu hi viraan pada ho.

“Kamaal hai!” Samay ghar ke nazdeek aaya. “Iss ghar ke maalik jitna jigra hona chaahiye harr kisi me. Haha~” Woh hassa.

Koi jigre waala insaan hi aisi jagah par apne ghar ka nirmaan kar sakta tha.

Usne torch ko ghar par maara aur ghar ki nakkashi aankho ko bareek kar dekhne laga. Ek civil engineer tha. Kala ki qadar karta tha.

'Hmm! Ghar ne apni chamak kho dii hai.’

Aas-paas fir nazre daudaayi.

“Par agar inki chamak mere saath hoti toh mujhe thodi asaani ho jaati.” Khambo ke paas lagi ek street light ko dekhte hue woh bola.

Sadak par street lights thi zaroor magar ya toh unke andar ke bulb gaayab the ya fir toote hue the.

Chhetra me bijli ka sanchaar bhi tha aur paani ki uplabdhi bhi. Shayad tab inhi baato ko dhyaan me rakh makaan-maalik ne yaha ghar ka nirmaan karwaya tha.

Parantu, jab chhetra ka vikaas na hua toh majbooran ye ghar ek khandahar me badal ke reh gaya.

Samay bas udhar se mud fir se seedha prasthaan karne hi waala tha jab achanak hi,

*Rustle*

“Huh???”

Usse ghar ke bagal se ghane ped-paudho ki taraf ek sar-sarahat hone ki awaaz aayi.

Ek pal me hi usne apni torch ko uss orr kiya aur tabhi,

*Whoooooooooosh*

Usse ek saaya tezz gati me guzarte hue nazar aaya.

“O-Oye!!” Woh chillaaya. “K-Kaun hai waha?”

Fauran hi woh ghar ke bagal me aaya aur sadak se hatt ke jangal ke ilaake me ghusne laga. Usse poora yakeen tha ki usne ek saaya dekha tha. Aur ye janwar ka saaya kahi se bhi nahi tha.

“Koi hai?”

Chillaa ke woh aage badha par usse koi bhi dikhaayi nahi diya. Ajeeb baat thi.

Harr qadam woh fook-fook kar rakh raha tha. Aur chaukanna hote hue uss saaye ko dhoondh raha tha.

Badqismati se uska perr mitti se sane keechad me fisla aur wo dhadaam se neeche gir gaya.

“Argh~” Ek karaah uske muh se nikli. “Arre re re! Ye saala paani!!”

Woh uth hi raha tha jab torch ki roshni me zameen par usse kuch chamakta sa nazar aaya.

“Hmm?” Haath ko aage badha ke usne uss chamakti hui cheez ko tatola aur mitti se nikaala toh paaya ki wo ek sone ka pendant tha.

Ek bada hi khubsurat pendant. Baarish bhi ab kam ho rahi thi. Torch ki madad se Samay ne uss pendant ko bareeki se jaancha. Aur kuch hi palo me usse abhaas ho gaya ki ye asli sona tha.

‘Ye chain yaha-!? Bhala kiski ho sakti hai?’ Uthate hue usne aas-paas fir nazre ghumaayi.

Parantu koi bhi nazar na aaya.

“Hello?? Koi hai??” Par jawaab ab bhi wahi.

Khamoshi!

“Tch!” Pendant ko apne jeb me rakh, woh wapas sadak par aane laga.

Par neeche aate hi usse na jaane kya chull machi ki woh ghar ki boundary ko yu phaand ke andar chala gaya. Harr jagah keechad ho rakha tha.

Gandagi, ret, gitti aur ped ke jhade patto se ghar ka porch bhara hua tha. Woh savdhani se aage badha.

Taajub woh tab hua jab usne dekha ki ghar ke hall me pravesh karne ka darwaza baahar se nahi, balki andar se band tha.

‘Y-Ye toh-!? Ye toh andar se band hai!!’ Usne dhakka lagaate hue sunishchit kiya.

‘Kahi wo saaya?’ Ek sansani macha dene waala khayal usse aaya. ‘Yaha koi reh toh nahi raha?’

‘Nahi! Aisa sambhav nahi!’

‘Huh?’ Aur tabhi usse ghar ki khidki nazar aayi, jo khuli hui thi.

‘Meri raksha karna bhagwan!’ Uparwaale ka naam lete hue woh khidki se kood andar gaya.

Andar aate hi usne torch idhar-udhar maari magar siwae toot-phoot ke bikhre samaan, makdi ke bade-bade jaale, aur diwaaro par jagah-jagah seet ke alawa usse kuch khaas nazar nahi aaya.

Grehesti ka koi samaan nahi tha. Bas andhruni diwaar ke hi toote tukde zameen par bikhre the.

“Koi hai kya?” Samay ne ek antim baar awaaz lagayi. “Dekho! Mein yaha raaste se guzar raha tha. Agar koi hai toh saamne aao.”

Par ghapp sannaata hi uska jawaab tha.

Wo torch ki roshni me ghar me thoda aur aage badha. Ab usse darr lagne laga tha. Bahar baarish dheeme ho chuki thi parantu Samay ke andar bhay badhta jaa raha tha.

Agar yaha koi nahi tha toh woh saaya kaisa tha? Kya uska bas vaham tha woh?

‘Shayad mein kuch zyada hi soch raha hu!’

Woh chalte-chalte ek darwaaze ke nazdeek aaya. Darwaaze ke khulne ka dhang vichitr tha.

Andar ki jagah darwaaza baahar khulne ke liye banaaya gaya tha.

Samay ne ek gehri saans lii.

‘Khol Samay! Dekhte hai kya hai!’

Aur agle hi shan,

*Click*

Usne chatakni khol dii.

Andar koi bhi ho, usse daraane ke liye Samay ne apni poori bhar taaqat se darwaaze ko kheencha.

Lekin jaise hi usne darwaaze ko kheencha tha toh,

*THUDDDDDD*

Ek itni tezz awaaz hui ki Samay ke badan ke raungte khade ho gaye. Woh ghabra ke ek qadam peeche hua ki tabhi fir se,

*Thwack* *Thwack*

Do aur awaaz usse sunaayi dii. Aisa laga maano kisi ne baccho waali gend zameen par feki ho. Ya kaddu jaisa kuch bhari patka ho.

Samay itna ghabra gaya ki woh ladkhada ke peeche ko gir pada. Aanan-faanan me woh waha se bhaaga.

Unn awaazo ne usse itna dara diya ki woh hawa ke jhoke ki tarah waha se nikla. Haafte hue woh baahar aaya.

*huff* *huff*

'B-Baap re!' Uske haath-perr kaanpne lage. 'K-Kya tha woh?'

'Galti meri hi hai! Mujhe waha ghusna hi nahi tha.'

Aur ek antim baar ghar ko dekh woh firse seedha chal diya. Iss baar usne palat ke uss ghar ko nahi dekha.

Kuch derr yuhi chalne ke baad usse akhir-kaar baayi orr woh building nazar aayi. Andar lights jali hui thi.

Ye building ek prakar se rehne ki jagah thi. Alag alag quarters bane hue the alag alag floor par.

Magar rehne waale vyakti sirf ginti ke hi the.

Pehle maale par aate hi usse ek aurat dikhaayi dii jo apne ek chote bacche ka haath thaame usse ghar ke andar chalne ko keh rahi thi.

"Aye munna! Munna chal andar jaldi! Chal jaldi nahi toh padegi maar ab!"

Wo saavli-si thi aur seedhi-saadhi maalum pad rahi thi.

Usse aata dekh aurat usse upar se neeche tak dekhi.

Samay ne khud hi jawab diya, "Jii mein yaha building ka naap jaachne aaya hu. Kal se kaam shuru hoyega na."

Aurat ne haami bhari. "Aao bhaiya! Dekh lo jo dekhna hai."

"Jii! Wese aap abhi bhi yahi ho?"

"Majboori bhaiya. Kaam karne waale subah 8-9 ke pehle toh aayenge nahi. Isliye ruke hai. Unke aane se pehle hi hum ghar khaali kar denge."

"Kaafi dikkat jaa rahi hogi!"

"Bhaiya ab kya bole. Maalik ki chalti hai. Maalik ko building me marammat karwane ki pad gayi. Toh ab hum kya keh sakte hai usme?"

"Sahi baat hai. Thoda kasht zaroor hai lekin fayda aapka bhi hai. Building wapas se chaka-chak ho jayegi."

"Fir bhaada bhi toh badhega na?"

"Hmm! Shayad. Par sambhavna kam hai aunty. Ye jagah aisi hai ki yaha koi rukta nahi."

"Hum jaise gareebo ke liye yahi sahara hai bhaiya."

"Samajh sakta hu. Mein bhi ek gareeb parivar se hu. Toh aapke paas koi thikana hai ya-?"

"Mere maayke jayenge sab. Munna ke papa ko jamayi-raja banke rehna hoga kuch din." Woh hasste hue boli.

Uska pati ek security guard ki night duty karta tha.

Samay muskuraya. "Bas kuch dino ki baat hai. Jald hi kaam khatam ho jayega. Aur aapka samaan?"

"Samaan toh aadhe se zyada pehle hi bhej diya gaya hai. Jo kuch hai woh subah le jayenge."

Tabhi uska beta Samay ke paas aake uske perro par ghoose aur laat barsaane laga.

"Ye le! Dhishoom! Dhishoom! Yaargghhh!!!! Dhish!!"

Samay ka maatha thanka. Par hontho par abhi bhi muskaan thi.

Aurat ye dekh usse daant ke kheech ke peeche le gayi. Aur uss se maafi maangi.

Samay ne hassi-khushi maaf kar diya, "Koi baat nahi. Baccha hai!"

Par andar hi andar, 'Bacche!! Teri maa ki-!!'

Tabhi usse sone ke pendant ka dhyaan aaya. Aur jeb se nikaalte hue usne aurat ko wo dikhaaya.

"Aunty! Kya aap jaanti hai ye kiska hai? Dekh lijiye!"

Usne aurat ke haath me pendant ko thamaate hue pucha. Sone ke pendant ko dekhte hi aurat ki aankho me chamak aa gayi.

"Haaye daiyya! Y-Ye toh shayad- shayad mera hai." Woh boli.

Pal bhar ke liye Samay ki bauhe upar ko chadhi,

"Kya ye waqai aapka hai?"

"H-Haan!" Usne haami bhari. "Meri aisi hi ek chain kho gayi thi kuch din pehle. Y-Ye wahi hai."

"Ye mujhe uss sunsaan ghar ke bagal se mili hai."

Jaise hi uss aurat ne ye suna, uske chehre ka poora rang udd gaya. Haath se pendant chhatak kar neeche gira aur uske tevar bhi badal gaye.

"Ahahaha!" Usne farzi muskaan dikhaayi. "A-Accha? W-Waha mila? N-Nahi! Fir-! Fir mera nahi hoga. Galat fehmi ho gayi mujhe."

Samay ne chidhte hue usse ghoora.

Aurat uski nazro se apni nazre churaate hue apne bacche ka haath pakad usse ghar ke andar le jaane lagi.

"Chal andar munna! Bhaiya ko apna kaam karne de."

Aur maa-beta apne ghar ke andar jaake darwaza band kar liye.

Samay ne ek aah bhari.

"Tch! Saali laalchi duniya!!!"

Dabi awaaz me bol, pendant ko apne jeb me rakh woh apne kaam me lag gaya.

Raincoat aur apne geele kapdo ko utaar kar usne polythene me rakha aur naye kapdo me aaya.

Apna bagpack rakh, usne apna mobile wahi paas maujood ek switch-board me charging pe lagaya aur inch-tape nikaal woh jagah-jagah se building ka naap lene laga.

Blueprint par likhe gaye naap se usne ek baar tally kiya. Kuch derr tak saare naap lene ke baad usko jaha-jaha blueprint me sudhaar karne the woh usne kiye.

Fir apne thekedaar Mishra ko phone lagaaya.

"Bolo bhai. Ho gaya kaam?"

"Jii Sir! Kaam ho gaya hai. Naap le liya hai mene. Bas 2-4 jagah hi sudhaar karna pada."

"Theek-theek! Kal se tudaayi shuru karwa dunga fir mein."

"Jii Sir! T-Toh mein ab niklu na?"

"Haan-haan! Nikal jao! Naksha Shukla ko de dena jaate-jaate."

Shukla Mishra ka hi ek aadmi tha.

"Jii! Theek hai Sir!"

Aur call cut kar usne ek raahat ki saans lii.

Ye antim kaarya aaj uska poorn hua.

Station jaane se pehle usne blueprint Shukla ko diya aur apne jile ke liye ravana ho gaya.

***

Dekhte hi dekhte ek saal beet gaya. Iss ek saal me Samay ne apne jile me kaafi naam kamaaya.

Woh Mishra ke neeche kaam karne ke baad tareeqe seekh chuka tha toh jile me hi usne chote-mote kaam lena shuru kiye aur ek varsh me hi usne kaafi kamaayi karli.

Woh pendant bhi usne sambhaal ke apne paas hi rakha hua tha. Uska maan’na tha ki pendant uske liye lucky tha. Isliye hamesha woh usse apni jeb me hi rakhta tha.

Kamaayi ke baad jo sabse pehla kaam usne kiya wo tha ek second-hand do-pahiya gaadi lena. Usse yaad tha usse kitni taqleef gayi thi uss raat.

Adhik kamaana kisse pasand nahi? Isliye Samay laut ke wapas Delhi aaya.

Aur aaj ussi building ke dusre maale par woh thehra hua tha.

Aaj ek saal ke baad bhi pehle maale par woh aurat apne parivar ke saath reh rahi thi. Building ab nayi ho chuki thi. Dekha jaaye toh sab kuch badhiya tha uske liye.

Mishra se baat kar woh ab thode aur bade projects me uski madad karwaane laga tha. Usse yakeen tha ki jald hi woh khud ek thekedaar ban jayega.

Shaam ke 6 baj rahe the aur Samay apne ghar ki balcony par khade phone par baat kar raha tha.

Acchi baat thi ki kam se kam building ke saamne waali street light kaam kar rahi thi.

"Abe behanchod tujhe pata hai kal kya hua? Haha!" Phone ke dusre chhor se uske dost Amit ki awaaz aayi.

Amit uske college ka dost tha jo aaj-kal KFC me kaam kiya karta tha.

"Mujhe kaise pata hoga gaandu?" Samay mazaak me bola.

"Abe bhai bawal mach gaya kal."

Samay ko thodi ab jigyasa hui. Bhala aisa kya ho gaya waha?

"Bol kya hua!"

"Kal hamara KFC poori tarah se khaali tha. Aur din me tab ek couple aaya."

"Accha? Fir?"

"Wo dono upar chale gaye privacy ke liye. Humne bhi unhe upar baithne de diya. Par behanchod-!!"

"Kya?"

"Uske baad toh ladke ne garda macha diya. Hahaha~"

"Gaandu batayega ya mein phone kaatu?"

"Abe tu vishvaas nahi karega. Hum logo ne camera me dekha tha. Woh ladka apni bandi ki choot me ungli daal ke choos raha tha."

"Hein????" Samay khud hairat me reh gaya.

"Hahahaha! Uske baad jo uski dhulaayi hum logo ne ki hai. Bechara! Laude lag gaye uske."

"Chutiya woh tum logo ki madad kar raha tha aur tumne usse hi peet diya?"

Amit uski baat par confuse hua. "Hein? Madad? Kaisi madad?"

"Chutiye woh KFC ko promote kar raha tha."

"Ehh? Woh kaise?"

Samay fir muskuraya aur bola, "Tumhare KFC ki tagline kya hai?"

"Huh? It's finger lickin' good!? Oooooooooooooo~!!!"

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Dono zorr-zorr se hassne lage.

"Saale tujhse baat karke poori tension gaayab ho jaati hai meri. Aur bata? Sunsaan ilaake me reh ke khoob paise jod raha hai gaandu tu. Hai na?"

"Aisa nahi hai yaar. Yaha isliye ruka hu kyuki yaha ka rent kam hai."

"Kanjoos saale!"

"Bhosdike kanjoos nahi hu. Boond-boond se ghada bharta hai. Mein bas bachat kar raha hu abhi."

"Bachat apni gaand me ghusedega kya? Hamara goa ka plan yaad hai na?"

Amit ke sawal par Samay ke hontho par muskaan fel gayi.

"Yaad hai gaandu! Isliye toh bachat kar raha hu. Bilkul chalenge. Aag mootenge!! Jalwa dikhayenge!"

"Hahahaha!" Amit hassa. "Ye hui na baat. College ke baad se milna hi nahi ho paaya. Sab milke bawal macha denge behanchod."

"Hmm!"

"Acche-khaase paise jod le. Mein bhi jod raha hu. Aur ek-aad pataa ke rakh lena bey. Waha tabhi to maza ayega. Khikhikhi!" Woh khisyaate hue hassa.

"Chinta mat kar. Teri bhabhi mil gayi hai. Yahi Delhi me ek hospital me nurse hai woh."

"Haett! Gaandu! Seedha sixer maar diya tune. Haan?"

"Bilkul! Meethi-meethi yaadein banayenge. Enjoy bhi karna hai yaar. Thodi mehnat aur karni hai."

"Ho jayega sab. Chal accha! Baad me baat karta hu."

Amit ne bye bol waha se phone cut kar diya. Samay bhi aaj chinta-mukt tha.

Usne apni hi peeth thap-thapayi, "Bas thodi aur mehnat Samay."

Accha mood liye woh abhi wapas andar jaane hi waala tha jab akasmaat,


*Chham*


Paayal ki awaaz uske kaano me padi.

'???'

Awaaz ka strot dhoondte hue usne jaise hi neeche sadak par dekha toh uska muh khula-ka-khula reh gaya.

Ek behad khubsoorat aurat gehri baingani rang ki saree pehne waha se guzar rahi thi. Kaale-ghane khule-lehraate baal.

Naak ke neeche ek apaardarshi kapde ki wajah se uska chehra dhaka hua tha. Samay ki maano saansein hi atak gayi usse dekh.

Aaj pehli baar uska dil itni zorr se dhadka tha.

Samay tak-taki lagaaye usse dekhta raha. Woh baayi orr se daayi orr jaa rahi thi.

Jaise hi woh Samay ke ghar ke seedh me sadak par aayi, usne apna sarr mod ke upar usse dekha. Uski aankhein bilkul usse hi ghoor rahi thi.

Samay ke badan ke raungte khade ho gaye. Ye darr tha ya excitement usse samajh na aaya.

Unn aankho ke saamne woh apne aapko nagn mehsoos kar raha tha. Aisa laga jaise woh aankhein uske andar jhaak ke uski rooh ko ghoor rahi ho.

Samay ko uss mahila ka chehra nahi dikha par usse aisa laga jaise woh aurat shan-bhar ke liye muskuraayi.


*Chham* *Chham*


Dheere-dheere kar woh building ko paar kar aage badh gayi. Samay abhi bhi upar balcony se usse jaate dekhta raha, jab tak ki woh uski drishti se ojhal nahi ho gayi.

‘Kya hi saundarya tha!’

Woh andar aaya aur sofe par baith gaya. Magar tabhi ek hila dene wala khayal usse aaya.

‘Ek minute! Woh aurat aise akele!? Kaha jaa rahi thi? Ye toh wahi raasta hai jaha woh sunsaan ghar padta hai.’

‘N-Nahi! Aisa bhi toh ho sakta hai ki woh seedha jaa ke main road par jaa rahi ho. Hmm!‘

Do din guzar gaye. Samay ne ab uss aurat ke baare me bhi zyada nahi socha. Usne ye bhi dhyaan nahi diya ki ek akeli aurat aise waha se kyu guzregi.

Aaj woh baitha hua tha aur apni kuch selfies le raha tha apne social-media account par post karne ke liye.
Sab kuch sahi tha jab achanak se uske saath ye hua~

Selfie lete waqt woh camera me sahi angle bana raha tha jab,

‘Huh?’

Uske sarr ke baal ki ek lat apne aap hi hili. Usne ye camera me dekha.

Fir upar dekha. Pankha band tha. Maathe par kuch lakeere chhaa gayi uske.

Fir bhi zyaada dhyaan na dete hue woh punaah selfie lene me lag gaya. Aur iss baar,


*Fuuu~*


“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Woh chillaa ke sofe se utha. Aisa laga jaise kisi ne peeche se uski gardan par thandi phook maari ho. Shareer ke ruye uske khade ho gaye. Woh gardan ko mal idhar-udhar dekhne laga.

Khidki band thi. Pankha bhi band tha. Fir ye hawa kaha se aa rahi thi? Uska dimaag kuch sense nahi bana paaya.

Woh abhi laitne hi jaa raha tha jab baahar se usse ek jaani-pehchaani awaaz aayi,
“Beta?? Beta Samay? Beta mein aa gayi. Darwaza kholo!”

Awaaz sunte hi Samay ki khushi ka thikana na raha.

‘Maa?’

Uth ke wo tezz qadmo ke saath bhaagte hue darwaaze tak pohucha jab achanak kuch dhyaan aate hi uske perr wahi jamm gaye.

Ek sihran uski poori reedh ki haddi me daud gayi. Uski maa toh Shivpuri, apne maayke gayi hui thi. Kal raat ko usne WhatsApp par unke status me dekha tha.

*Knock* *Knock*


“Beta? Beta darwaza khol na!! Mein aa gayi hu! Beta Samay?”


Samay ko aisa laga jaise uski aatma uske shareer se nikal gayi ho. Ek qadam, do qadam peeche lete hue wo deewaar se bhid gaya.

Aur darwaaze par ho rahi khat-khat fir dhakko me tabdeel ho gayi.

*THUD* *THUD*


“SAMAY!! SAMAY MEIN AA GAYI HU! DARWAZA KHOLLL!!”


Iss baar awaaz me bhayankar gussa tha. Woh awaaz ab insaan ki nahi lag rahi thi. Woh bhaagte hue andar gaya aur usne living-room ka darwaza bhi zorr se band kar liya. Uski saansein ukhad-ukhad kar aa rahi thi.

Pal bhar me hi uske chehre par paseene ki boonde saj gayi. Chehra pochh usne sabse pehle apni maa ko phone lagaya.

“H-Hello? M-Maa?”

Dusri orr se usse maa ki awaaz sunaayi dii, “Hello? Haa beta! Bol!”

“A-Aap kaha ho?”

“Mein Shivpuri me hu. Tere mama ke ghar pe. Sab tujhe yaad kar rahe hai.” Woh khushi se boli.

Par Samay ki haalat harr guzarte pal bigad rahi thi.

*THUD* *THUD*


"SAMAYYY!! DARWAZA KHOLO BETA!!! MEIN KEHTI HU DARWAZA KHOL!!!"


Idhar uski maa phone pe, “Le! Apne mama se baat kar le!”

“N-Nahi maa! M-Mein tumhe baad me phone lagata hu. A-Abhi baahar hu.”

“Beta teri awaaz ko kya hua? Sab theek toh hai na?”

“H-Haan maa! M-Mujhe kya hua? Sab theek hai! Baahar hu na! Awaaz yaha kat rahi hai!”

“Accha! Theek hai beta! Kaam kar le! Fir lagana theek? Khaana kha lena waqt pe. Theek hai na?”

“H-Haan Maa!”

Aur call cut ho gaya.

Saath hi saath darwaaze par ho rahi dastak bhi. Samay itna ghabra gaya tha ki woh bistar ke andar ghus gaya.

Khush-kismati se usse 3 ghante ki jhapki lag gayi. Raat ko 9 baje wo utha, khaana khaya aur fir so gaya.

Agle din wo fresh mehsoos kar raha tha. Woh jaanta tha ki usne kal wo awaazein suni thi. Usse uss auto-waale ki baat yaad aayi.

Aur ek buri ghatna maan ke wo aage badh gaya. Usne iss baare me sochna hi band kar diya.

Aaj ground floor par reh rahe ek chacha ke ghar ke baahar woh khada hua tha.

"Madhav Chacha itna kaam aap kar kaise lete ho?"

Usne ghar ke baahar dherr saari lakdiya dekhte hue pucha.

Madhav Chacha jangalo se hi inhe kaat ke laate the aur inki finishing kar becha karte the.

"Bas bitua! Yahi karte aaye hai. Ab aadat lag gayi hai."

Dono baat hi kar rahe the jab achanak se,

*Fuuu~*

"Aaahhhhhh!!!!"

Samay ghabraate hue palta aur apni gardan sehlaayi. Kisi ne phook maari thi.

Ye bilkul uss din jaisa hi tha. Farq itna tha ki iss baar uske saamne ek aadmi tha.

"Behanchod-" Samay gurraaya. "Ye kya tareeqa hai? Tameez nahi hai kya?"

"Arre bitua!!" Madhav chacha aage aaye. "Isse mat daanto. Ee to goonga hai."

"Ahn!" Samay ko apni galti ka ehsaas hua.

Chacha ne uss goonge aadmi ke haath se lakdiya li aur uski madad ki.

"Ye lakdiya liya tha na, tumhe hattne ko keh nahi paaya. Kyuki goonga hai. Isliye phook maar diya aur tum darr gaye."

"H-Haan chacha! Wo samjha mein! Maaf karna."

"Uu~ Uu~" Goonga apni bhaasha me kuch bola.

"Keh raha hai ki koi baat nahi." Chacha ne samjhaya.

"Accha! Toh ye aapko lakdiya todke laake deta hai?"

"Haan bitua! Kabhi-kabhi ye laake de deta hai. Aur mujhse acche akaar ki lakdiya khareedta hai."

"Ohh!"

"Uu~ Uu~" Woh fir kuch ishaare me bola.

"Keh raha hai chai ke liye 5-10 rupaye mil jaate toh accha hota."

"Ohh!" Samay ne apna batua khola. "Ye lo bhai! Aur pehle ke liye maaf karna."

Khush hote hue goonga acchi kati lakdiya liya aur paise leke waha se chala gaya.

"Chacha? Aapne uss se paise nahi liye?" Samay confuse hua.

"Bitua woh mujhe zyada lakdiya laa ke deta hai. Mein usse badle me acchi wali zaroor deta hu par unki maatra kam rehti hai."

"Ohh! Samjha! Matlab bina paiso ke len-den ke business ho raha hai."

"Hahahaha! Bitua! Sahi samjhe ho!"

Samay muskuraaya, "Ye bhi sahi dhandha hai."

Khushi me wo apne ghar aa gaya.

Parantu, ye khushi zyaada derr ki nahi thi.

***

Aaj shaam bhi wahi hua. Woh aurat usse fir dikhayi di. Wahi saree, wahi chehra. Sab kuch pehle jaisa. Ye deja-vu ki anubhuti kyu ho rahi thi usse?

Nahi! Ye deja-vu nahi tha. Ye vaastav me firse uske saath hua tha. Aisa ek din nahi, lagataar 3 din hua.

Uski haalat bigadne lagi.

Usse ye bhi laga ki kahi wo paagal toh nahi ho raha?

Baato hi baato me usne Madhav Chacha aur pehle maale waali aurat se bhi iske baare me alag dhang se pucha.

Usse pata chala ki ye sab kuch sirf uske hi saath ho raha tha.

Amit ko usne bataya toh Amit uska mazaak udaa ke hassne laga. Ab toh sach me usse lag raha tha ki woh paagal ho raha tha.

Woh doctor pe be-faaltu ka kharcha nahi chaahta tha. Jin cheezo se woh guzar raha tha wo ek doctor theek nahi kar sakta tha.

Isliye woh ek taantrik laaya.

"Bacche!! Tumhare ghar me aatma ka vaas hai!! Ek bhayanak aatma!!!"

Taantrik ki baate sunte hi Samay ke muh se gaali nikalte-nikalte reh gayi. Woh samajh gaya ki taantrik usse chutiya bana ke thagna chaah raha tha.

Usse bhagaate hue usne khud hi iska hal dhoondne ki thaani.

Usne apni maa ko phone lagaya,

"Hello maa?"

"Haan beta!"

"Kaisi ho?"

"Accha chal raha hai beta sab. Tu dhyaan rakh raha hai na theek se apna?"

Maa ka sawaal sunn Samay ki aankhein namm ho chali.

Beete din woh kaise guzaar raha tha wahi jaanta tha. Inn ghatnao se wo depression me jaa raha tha. Par maa ko kaise kahe?

"M-Maa! D-Darasa mere saath-l!"

"Haan? Bol na!"

Usne apne nichle honth ko daant se peesa.

"Mere saath bhi sab accha chal raha hai maa!"

Wo sach na bata saka. Uski unn namm aankho se iss baar aasu nikal pade.

"Dhyaan rakh raha hai na apna?"

"Haan maa! S-Sab badhiya hai yaha. Mein khush hu."

"Beta acche se rehna. Khoob mann laga ke mehnat karo. Aur tarakki karo."

"Hmm! Mein rakhta hu ab. Kuch kaam karna hai. Theek?"

"Theek hai beta!! Yaha bhi khaane ki taiyaari ho rahi hai. Mein raat ko tujhe phone karungi. Theek?"

"H-Haan maa!"

"Theek hai beta."

Aur phone cut ho gaya.

Samay agle hi shan apne aasu pochh utha. Uska maqsad ek hi tha.

Aaj usne apni balcony ka darwaza khola hua tha. Par aaj woh bagal se chhup gaya.

'Agar aaj firse wo mujhe dikhaayi di toh mein-!'

7 baj gaye, 8 baj gaye parantu abhi tak woh aurat usse dikhaayi na dii.

Lekin jald hi uske intezaar ka phal usse mila.

Wo nikli!

Wahi vesh-bhusha me thi. Samay ke dil ki dhadakne tezz ho gayi.

Building ki seedh me aate hi usne fir wahi kiya.

Samay ki khaali balcony me usne apni nazar daali aur aage badh gayi.

Uske aage badhte hi Samay apni jagah se daud ke ghar se nikla. Darwaze par taala maara aur tezz qadmo ke saath woh neeche aa gaya.

Sadak ke paar jaate hue woh jangal me chhip gaya. Taaki agar peeche mud ke woh aurat usse dekhe toh sadak par usse koi dikhayi na de.

Aur jangal ke raaste hi woh uska peecha karne laga.


*Chham* *Chham*


Ki awaaz hi usse sunaayi de rahi thi aur aurat ka ab sirf saaya dikhayi de raha tha.

Jaise-jaise wo uske peeche jaa raha tha. Aurat ko dekhna uske liye utna hi mushqil ho raha tha.

Aur jo iss waqt wo bilkul nahi chaahta tha wahi hua.

Baarish!! Baadal achanak hi garje aur ekdum se paani aaya.

*Badump*

Uska dil baahar aane ko ho raha tha. Woh aurat uss sunsaan ghar ke nazdeek jaane lagi.

'Y-Ye toh wahi ghar hai!?'

Samay ko yaad tha. Pichle saal jab woh yaha aaya tha tab usne ye ghar dekha tha. Saaya bhi dekha tha waha. Andar bhi gaya tha.

Uske taajiya tab thande pade jab usse ghar ke lohe ke darwaze khulne ki awaaz aayi.

Dikh toh usse kuch nahi raha tha par awaaz ne sab spasht kar diya tha.

10 minute tak woh ped ke peeche chhupa raha. Aur fir usne apni torch nikaal, seedha sadak par maari.

Waha koi nahi tha.

'K-Kaha gayi woh?'

Woh uttar jaanta tha.

Aurat ghar ke andar gayi thi.

Aur ab jaake pehli baar Samay ko bhaanp hua ki woh kis cheez se deal kar raha tha.

'Bh-Bhoot? Nahi! Bhoot jaisa kuch nahi hota.'

'Par fir ye!?'

'Kahi koi mazaak toh nahi kar raha mere saath? Nahi!!'

'Toh fir ye sab kaise mumkin hai?'

'Agar mein andar na gaya toh wo kal fir dikhayi degi. Fir parso. Fir-'

'Nahi!! Aaj mein isse nahi chorrunga. Chaaku hai mere jeb me. Phone, torch, Lighter hai. Kuch gadbad hui toh dekh lunga. Par aaj iss madarchod ko nahi chorrunga. Mera jeena haraam karke rakhi hai ye.'

'Chacha ko nahi bula sakta. Wo nahi aayenge. Wo kya, koi bhi mere saath nahi aayega. Toh-!?'

'Police!! Haan! P-Police! Police ko khabar karta hu.'

Usne police ko call lagaya.

"H-Hello? Police station?"

"Haan! Kahiye kya hua?"

"Jii! Mein Delhi ka xxxx baahri ilaaka jo padta hai na waha se bol raha hu."

"Woh sunsaan sadak?"

"H-Haan! Wahi!"

"Hmm! Kya hua hai?"

"Woh mene uss sunsaan sadak par maujood khaali ghar me ek aurat ko andar jaate dekha hai. W-Woh baingani saree pehni thi. Aur khule lambe baal. Aur-"

"Kya kaha? Tumne ek aurat dekhi?"

"H-Haan!"

"Woh khaali bhootiya ghar me jaate?"

"Bh-Bhootiya?"

"Baingani saree me?"

"H-Haan Sir!"

"Hahahahahahahaha!!!!" Police wala agle hi pal hassa par fir uski awaaz gusse me badal gayi.

"Dekho ladke!!! Hamare paas chhatees kaam hai. Samjhe na? Faaltu ki mann-ghadan baato ke liye police nahi hoti."

"Par-?"

"Uss sadak ke aaye din kisse aate hai hamare paas. Hum bhooto ko bhagaane me lag jayenge toh ye wardi utaarni padegi."

"Magar-"

"Shayad tum bhi kisi ghatna ka shikaar hue ho. Buri ghatna soch ke aage badh jao. Uss ghar ke aas-paas bhi mat bhatakna. Apne kaam se kaam rakho. Aur dobaara iss complaint ke liye koi phone nahi aana chahiye."

*Call ends*

Samay ne kheejte hue phone apne jeb me rakha. Police ne uski baat ka yakeen na kiya.

Ab ek hi chaara tha uske paas. Akele hi uss ghar me jaana.

'Dekhta hu tu kya kar legi mera.'

Josh me aake woh ghar ke saamne aaya. Baarish abhi bhi chaalu thi.

Usne darwaza dekha toh fir darr gaya. Darwaaze par taala laga hua tha.

'D-Darrta nahi hu tujhse.' Chhalaang maar woh andar gaya.

Usse pata tha khidki hi uska raasta hai. Khidki se koodte hue woh andar chala gaya.

Torch ko idhar-udhar maara. Sab kuch pehle jaisa hi nazar aa raha tha.

"Kaun hai tu??" Woh garja. "Saamne aa na madarchod!!! Kya chaahti hai mujhse?? Kyu dikhti hai mujhe roz??"

Savdhani se woh aage badh raha tha jab ekdum se,

*Pat*

"Huh!!?"

Usse kisi ke qadam ki awaaz aayi. Laga jaise koi aur bhi tha yaha. Woh peeche jhat-se muda. Koi nahi tha.

"K-Kaun hai???"

*Pat*

Fir awaaz aayi. Usse koi nahi dikhayi de raha tha. Par aisa lag raha tha jaise koi uske nazdeek aa raha ho.

*Pat*

"Aaahhh!!!"

Iss baar awaaz kaafi nazdeek se aayi toh Samay ghabra ke peeche hua lekin phisal ke ek kamre me jaa gira.

*Chrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Achanak woh darwaza band hone laga. Ghabra ke daud usne wo rokna chaaha par darwaza band ho gaya.

"Darwaza kholo!! M-Mein kehta hu darwaza kholo! D-Dekho tum jo koi bhi ho accha nahi kar rahe mere saath."

Usne apna phone nikaala par kamre me rakhi koi cheez uski orr udd ke aayi aur uske haath par lagi. Uska mobile neeche gir gaya.

Iss se pehle ki wo mobile uthaata. Uske shareer ne hilne se mana kar diya.

Kamre ka drishya achanak hi badla. Aisa laga jaise wo ateet me aa gaya ho.

Saamne ek aurat thi. Behosh!

Par woh qaid thi. Kamre ka vibhajan lohe ke sariye ne kar rakha tha. Zameen aur ceiling me woh dhasse hue the. Ek prakaar se woh jail-cell me thi. Bas ye jail kamre me bana hua tha.

Darwaza khula aur ek aadmi ek jhola leke andar aaya. Uska sarr poora bora se dhaka hua tha. Bas aankho ke liye do chhed the jinse wo dekh raha tha.

Lohe ke sariye ka hi side me gate tha. Usse khol woh andar aurat ke paas gaya aur kuch karne laga.

Peeche khada Samay kuch dekh nahi paaya. Woh aadmi kar kya raha tha?

Samay laakh awaazein deta raha. Par wo jaise hawa ke samaan tha. Sab kuch ek video-cassette ki tarah play ho raha tha. Aur wo bas ek darshak tha.

Jab wo aadmi waha se alag hua. Aur jaise hi Samay ne uss aurat ka haal dekha toh uska poora badan thanda pad gaya.

Aurat ka muh…!

Sil diya gaya tha.

Dimaag ke taar tab hile jab Samay ko abhaas hua ki ye toh-

Wahi aurat thi! Baingani saree-wali!

Aur ab usse samajh aaya. Kyu woh naak ke neeche apaardarshi kapde se chehre ko dhake hue thi.

"N-Nahi!!"

Aadmi jhola utha ke waha se chala gaya. Jab aurat ko hosh aaya toh woh bin paani ki macchli ki tarah dard se tadapne lagi, chhatpatane lagi.

Par muh se awaaz nahi nikaal sakti thi. Cheekhna chaahti thi par cheekh nahi paa rahi thi. Kyuki muh kholne ka prayaas karte hi sile gaye dhaage uski chamdi ko cheerne lagte.

Uss bechaari ko pata bhi nahi tha ki usse yaha kaun laaya. Woh ab tak apne apharan karne waale se anjaan thi.

Roti rahi, tadapti rahi, haath-perr patakti rahi. Par koi fayda nahi. Uski vyatha dekh Samay ki rooh kaanp gayi.

Aurat ne upar dekha toh paaya ek chhota sa ventilation maujood tha waha. Par uchhaayi kaafi thi.

Woh ghanto koshish karti rahi. Kisi prakaar upar uss ventilation tak pohuch sake. Lekin harr baar woh buri tarah deewaar se fisal kar neeche gir jaati.

Uski chuudi toot kar bikhar gayi. Kuch soch usne unn tooti chuudiyo se deewaar par ghisna shuru kiya. Woh ghisti rahi. Na jaane kitni derr tak.

Raat ho rahi thi. Usne alag-alag jagah ghis-ghis ke deewar par gehri rekhaaye banayi.

Aur fir wo deewar par chadhi. Apne panje ke angutho ko unn rekhaaye par gadaate hue bas chand second ke liye hi usse upar pohuchna tha.

Ye uski akhiri umeed thi. Samay mann hi mann uske safal hone ki kaamna karta raha.

Aurat ne tabhi apne gale se kuch nikaala. Aur upar chadh uss ventilation ke chhed se usse baahar fek diya. Iss umeed me ki koi shayad usse dekh le aur usse bacha sake.

Woh dhadaam se neeche giri.

*Click*

Itne me, darwaza fir khula aur wahi aadmi andar aaya.

Par iss baar jo cheez woh saath me laaya usse dekh ke Samay ki aankhein fel gayi. Dil jaise wahi dhadakna band kar diya.

Woh murti bane bas jamm-sa gaya.

Aadmi ne aurat ko uthaaya. Aur uss cheez me jhuka ke ghusaaya.

Woh cheez jo thi woh thi-

Guillotine!

Lakdi ka banaya gaya ek guillotine. Upar vishaal blade lagi thi. Aur aurat ka sarr neeche ardh-gol chhed me ghusa hua tha.

Rassi ko kheechne par blade neeche gir jaati thi. Aadmi ne rassi ko ek dusri rassi se baandha aur sariya ka gate band kar woh baahar aaya.

Usne lambi seedhi li aur upar chadha. Samay ne jaise hi upar dekha toh fir ek baar kaanp gaya.

Upar ek fixed pulley laga hua tha. Wahi pulley jo aksar gaav ke kue me rassi se baalti ko upar kheechne me madad karta tha.

Aadmi ne uss pulley par rassi ko lagaaya aur dusre chhor se nikaal ke fir woh dur chalte hue ek darwaaze ke upar wali chatakni se baandhne laga.

Jab Samay ko abhaas hua ki woh kya kar raha tha toh uske chehre se uska rang udd gaya.

Apna kaam kar uss aadmi ne jaate-jaate jaise hi apne sarr se bora nikaala. Samay ke shareer me ek aur sihran daud gayi.

Ye wahi tha.

Wahi goonga aadmi.

Goonga ghar se ek khufiya raaste se baahar nikla ki tabhi itne me,


"Oye! K-Kaun hai waha?"


Awaaz sunte hi Samay hil ke reh gaya. Y-Ye toh uski hi awaaz thi. Ye wahi raat thi.

Iska matlab usne jo uss raat dekha tha woh saaya kisi aur ka nahi, balki ussi goonge ka tha.

Tabhi usse ventilation ke baahar apne qadmo ki awaaz aayi. Iss waqt wo wahi utha raha tha. Ye toh wahi tha.

Samay ke jeb ka bhaar achanak se badha. Aur uska badan thar-tharaane laga.

Uss jeb me…!

Wahi tha jo uss aurat ne feka tha. Woh pendant.

"N-Nahi!!! Y-Ye nahi ho sakta."

Uska asli darr tab aaya jab usne apne aap ke andar aane ki aahat paayi.


"Koi hai kya? Dekho! Mein yaha raaste se guzar raha tha. Agar koi hai toh saamne aao.”


"N-Nahi!! Nahi andar mat aana. Darwaza mat kheechna!!! Nahi!!"

Woh apne aap ko hi rokne laga.

Par bhala ateet bhavishya ki baatein kaise sunn sakta tha?

Ateet ke Samay ne agle hi shan zorr se darwaza kheencha. Rassi pulley ke zariye dusri rassi ko kheenchi. Aur dusri rassi ke khichte hi,

Blade neeche gir gayi.

*Thud*

Ateet ka samay awaaz sunn dara. Aurat ka sarr dhad se alag hua aur neeche zameen par gira.

*Thwack* *Thwack*

Ab usse samajh aaya. Ki jisse wo gend ya kaddu ke girne ki awaaz samajh raha tha. Woh asal me ek aurat ka jeeta-jaagta sarr tha.

Samay ki haalat ka vishleshan nahi diya jaa sakta tha.

Jab usse hosh aaya toh usse fir awaaz sunaayi di. Qadmo ki. Uske nazdeek aa rahe the.

*Pat*

"D-Dur ho jao!"

Aur tabhi,

*Pat* *Pat* *Pat* *Pat*

Koi adrishya uski orr itni tezzi me daud ke aaya ki Samay ki jaan nikal gayi. Woh ladkhada ke gira,

"Aaaarggghhhhh!!!"

Bad-qismati se uska ek perr wahi rakhi lakdi ke ek latthe se takraaya.

Jaise hi wo gira, usse apne gale par kuch thanda mehsoos hua. Par usse zyada derr tak woh mehsoos na kar saka.

Kyuki agle hi shan, perr se takraayi latth rassi ke fande me phassi aur,

*Thud*

Blade neeche.

Samay tham gaya.

Ghar se achanak hi andhera kahi gaayab ho gaya.

Samay ka sarr katt ke uske badan se alag hoke gir chuka tha.

Uske gire hue phone pe tabhi call aaya,


Incoming call
"Maa"

Maa ne usse khaane ke baad phone lagane ka vaada kiya tha. Par bechaari maa ko kya pata tha ki uska laadla ab kabhi bhi uska phone utha nahi payega.

Amit ko kya pata tha ki uska dost ab uske saath kabhi bhi Goa nahi jaa payega.

Kaash Samay uss raat uss samay par maujood na hota. Woh pendant na uthaya hota.


Samay ko samay ne hi barbaad kar diya.

Ek saal pehle woh building nahi balki uss aurat ki maut ka blueprint rach ke gaya tha.

Aur sirf uska hi nahi. Apna bhi.


He was the sole architect of their destruction.

Kate hue sarr ka dimaag bhi 4 se 30 seconds tak gatividhya karta tha.

Aankhein band hone se pehle Samay ke dimaag me jo baat aayi woh yahi thi ki,

Apni sabse keemti meethi yaado ko sirf tasveero me hi nahi, apne dil me bhi rakhna chahiye.

Par badqismati se na hi woh meethi yaadein bana saka. Aur naa hi iss kadvi yaad ki anubhooti kar paaya.

Woh bas ek cheez se hamesha-hamesha ke liye anjaan reh gaya.

Woh ye ki wo goonga ek serial killer toh tha hi par saath hi saath Samay ki hi tarah woh bhi-


Ek Architect tha!!

THE END
Review :

Story Genre : Horror + Thriler

Story :
kahani bahut hi unmda tarike se pesh kari gayi hai, kahani ek dusre mod se shuru hoti hai, reader ko apne me kheech leti hai aur sath me le chalti hai ek anokhi ghatana ki aur, halaki shuruwat me hi kahani ke mukhya ghatna ho jaata hai, ek horror kahani me aisa hona laajami bhi hai. par ant kya tha aur kaise hona tha wo maanya rakhta hai. kahani ka mukhya paatra ek civil engineer liya gya hai :laughing: jiska kahani me thededari ka kaam nahi...thukwaane ka kaam hai. kahani majedaar hai padhne me, kahani me gum ho jaane ke baad asal me horror aur thrill ki feel aati hai.

writing skills : Writing skills bahut shaandaar the, jagah jagah par majedaar kisse de kar kahani ko rochak banaya gaya hai, kahani me mukhya paatra ko hi jyatar discuss kiya gaya hai uske sath hui ghatnao ko bakhubi taur par acche dhang se likha gya hai kahani me kahi bhi gap ya bemuniyaad likhawat nahi hai, umda dhang se 7000 word limit ka prayog kiya hai. ek acche lekhak/writer hone ke naate ye kahani apne aap me is genre me perfect hai.

Reader's view: reader ke taur par jis reader ko thrill kahani pasand hai wo maje se isko padh sakta hai bahut hi accha romanchit anubhav hoga.

:claps: :applause:
 
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