★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2025 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★
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Samar_Singh
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कहानी : आखरी ख्वाहिश
लेखक : Laadla
इन्सेस्ट पर आधारित कहानी, एक लड़का जो ब्रेन ट्यूमर का शिकार है और मरने से पहले अपनी मां के साथ संभोग की इच्छा रखता है।
कहानी का वर्णन बहुत कमजोर है, व्याकरण और वर्तनी की गलतियां भर भरकर है। सब कुछ बहुत तेज़ी से होता है फटाफट।
कहानी इन्सेस्ट थीम पर है लेकिन ना तो कुछ भी इरॉटिक है ना ही इमोशनल।
बस आखिरी की लाइन से एक ट्विस्ट देने की कोशिश हुई है।
Rating - 3/10
लेखक : Laadla
इन्सेस्ट पर आधारित कहानी, एक लड़का जो ब्रेन ट्यूमर का शिकार है और मरने से पहले अपनी मां के साथ संभोग की इच्छा रखता है।
कहानी का वर्णन बहुत कमजोर है, व्याकरण और वर्तनी की गलतियां भर भरकर है। सब कुछ बहुत तेज़ी से होता है फटाफट।
कहानी इन्सेस्ट थीम पर है लेकिन ना तो कुछ भी इरॉटिक है ना ही इमोशनल।
बस आखिरी की लाइन से एक ट्विस्ट देने की कोशिश हुई है।
Rating - 3/10
Last edited:
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"The Train That Never Stops" by vakharia
Yeh kahani pyar ke sacche roop ko dikhati hai jo kabhi poora nahi hota lekin hamesha zinda rehta hai. Ananya aur Shaunak ki ek chhoti si mulakat se shuru hua safar ek aisi kahani ban jata hai jo padhne wale ke dil mein ghar kar jati hai. Jazbaat, safar ka ehsaas, aur adhoorepan ka dard isme bahut khoobsurati se ujaagar hota hai. Thodi si kami hai toh woh hai practicality aur variety ki kuch scenes lambe aur repetitive lagte hain aur thodi positivity ya unexpected twists isse aur mazedaar bana sakte the. Lekin likhne ka andaaz aur bhaavnaayein isse ek yaadgaar kahani banati hain. Agar aapko romantic aur emotional kahaniyan pasand hain toh yeh aapko disappoint nahi karegi. Thodi si aur balanced hoti toh aur perfect ban sakti thi!
Positive Points:
Jazbaati Gehraai (Emotional Depth):
Yeh kahani pyar, intezar, aur adhoorepan ke jazbaat ko bahut gehre aur sachche andaaz mein pesh karti hai. Ananya aur Shaunak ke beech ka rishta ek pal mein shuru hota hai lekin uska asar zindagi bhar ka lagta hai. Har lafz dil se dil tak jata hai.
Safar ka Khoobsurat Tashkeel (Beautiful Depiction of Journey):
Train ka safar, station ki bheed, chai ki awaaz aur moonlight ka description aisa hai ki padhne wala khud us scene mein pahunch jata hai. Yeh kahani ke mahaul ko zinda karti hai.
Kalakari aur Shayari ka Mel (Blend of Art and Poetry):
Ananya ke sketches aur Shaunak ki shayari kahani mein ek alag rang bharte hain. Dono ke apne andaaz se ek doosre ko samajhne ki koshish dil ko chhoo leti hai.
Pyar ka Adhoorapan (Unfinished Love):
Kahani ka yeh pehlu ki pyar hamesha poora nahi hota balki yaadon mein zinda rehta hai bahut realistic aur dil ko chhoone wala hai. Aakhir mein unka khayalon mein milna ek sundar closure deta hai.
Bhasha aur Bhaav (Language and Emotion):
Hindi aur Urdu ka istemal, jaise "Safar yeh zindagi ka, par manzil ka pata nahin" ya "Tum aayi aur zindagi ne jaise rang pakda," kahani ko poetic aur gehra banata hai.
Negative Points:
Kuch Jagah Lambaai (Over-Length in Parts):
Kahani mein kuch scenes jaise baar-baar unke bichhadne aur yaadon ka zikr thodi lambe lagte hain. Thoda chhota kiya ja sakta tha taki padhne ka flow na toote.
Practicality ki Kami (Lack of Practicality):
Ananya aur Shaunak ka number ya address na exchange karna aur sirf ek wade pe bharosa karna thoda unrealistic lagta hai. Yeh pyar ke junoon ko dikhata hai lekin aaj ke zamane mein thoda ajib bhi lag sakta hai.
Side Characters ka Istemal Nahi (Underdeveloped Side Characters):
Priya jaise characters kahani mein aate hain lekin unka role chhota aur be-asar rehta hai. Unke zariye Ananya ya Shaunak ke jazbaat ko aur explore kiya ja sakta tha.
Bar-Bar Repeat Hone Wala Dukh (Repetitive Sadness):
Har baar unka milna aur bichhadna thoda monotonous ho jata hai. Thodi variety ya unexpected twists kahani ko aur mazedaar bana sakte the.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Bhasha saaf aur sundar hai. Hindi aur Urdu ke shabdon ka prayog galti se mukt lagta hai aur padhne mein maza aata hai.
Lay (Rhythm):.
Shuru mein lay tezi se chalti hai beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab yaadein baar-baar aati hain aur aakhir mein phir se tezi pakadti hai. Overall acchi hai lekin beech ke kuch hisson ko sahi kiya ja sakta tha.
Yeh kahani pyar ke sacche roop ko dikhati hai jo kabhi poora nahi hota lekin hamesha zinda rehta hai. Ananya aur Shaunak ki ek chhoti si mulakat se shuru hua safar ek aisi kahani ban jata hai jo padhne wale ke dil mein ghar kar jati hai. Jazbaat, safar ka ehsaas, aur adhoorepan ka dard isme bahut khoobsurati se ujaagar hota hai. Thodi si kami hai toh woh hai practicality aur variety ki kuch scenes lambe aur repetitive lagte hain aur thodi positivity ya unexpected twists isse aur mazedaar bana sakte the. Lekin likhne ka andaaz aur bhaavnaayein isse ek yaadgaar kahani banati hain. Agar aapko romantic aur emotional kahaniyan pasand hain toh yeh aapko disappoint nahi karegi. Thodi si aur balanced hoti toh aur perfect ban sakti thi!
Positive Points:
Jazbaati Gehraai (Emotional Depth):
Yeh kahani pyar, intezar, aur adhoorepan ke jazbaat ko bahut gehre aur sachche andaaz mein pesh karti hai. Ananya aur Shaunak ke beech ka rishta ek pal mein shuru hota hai lekin uska asar zindagi bhar ka lagta hai. Har lafz dil se dil tak jata hai.
Safar ka Khoobsurat Tashkeel (Beautiful Depiction of Journey):
Train ka safar, station ki bheed, chai ki awaaz aur moonlight ka description aisa hai ki padhne wala khud us scene mein pahunch jata hai. Yeh kahani ke mahaul ko zinda karti hai.
Kalakari aur Shayari ka Mel (Blend of Art and Poetry):
Ananya ke sketches aur Shaunak ki shayari kahani mein ek alag rang bharte hain. Dono ke apne andaaz se ek doosre ko samajhne ki koshish dil ko chhoo leti hai.
Pyar ka Adhoorapan (Unfinished Love):
Kahani ka yeh pehlu ki pyar hamesha poora nahi hota balki yaadon mein zinda rehta hai bahut realistic aur dil ko chhoone wala hai. Aakhir mein unka khayalon mein milna ek sundar closure deta hai.
Bhasha aur Bhaav (Language and Emotion):
Hindi aur Urdu ka istemal, jaise "Safar yeh zindagi ka, par manzil ka pata nahin" ya "Tum aayi aur zindagi ne jaise rang pakda," kahani ko poetic aur gehra banata hai.
Negative Points:
Kuch Jagah Lambaai (Over-Length in Parts):
Kahani mein kuch scenes jaise baar-baar unke bichhadne aur yaadon ka zikr thodi lambe lagte hain. Thoda chhota kiya ja sakta tha taki padhne ka flow na toote.
Practicality ki Kami (Lack of Practicality):
Ananya aur Shaunak ka number ya address na exchange karna aur sirf ek wade pe bharosa karna thoda unrealistic lagta hai. Yeh pyar ke junoon ko dikhata hai lekin aaj ke zamane mein thoda ajib bhi lag sakta hai.
Side Characters ka Istemal Nahi (Underdeveloped Side Characters):
Priya jaise characters kahani mein aate hain lekin unka role chhota aur be-asar rehta hai. Unke zariye Ananya ya Shaunak ke jazbaat ko aur explore kiya ja sakta tha.
Bar-Bar Repeat Hone Wala Dukh (Repetitive Sadness):
Har baar unka milna aur bichhadna thoda monotonous ho jata hai. Thodi variety ya unexpected twists kahani ko aur mazedaar bana sakte the.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Bhasha saaf aur sundar hai. Hindi aur Urdu ke shabdon ka prayog galti se mukt lagta hai aur padhne mein maza aata hai.
Lay (Rhythm):.
Shuru mein lay tezi se chalti hai beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab yaadein baar-baar aati hain aur aakhir mein phir se tezi pakadti hai. Overall acchi hai lekin beech ke kuch hisson ko sahi kiya ja sakta tha.
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"A Train to Nowhere" by Euphoria
Ye kahani ek alag hi tarah ki thriller hai jo dil aur dimag dono ko chhoo jati hai. Anika ke sath train ka safar ek mystery ban jata hai jo shuru se lekar akhir tak suspense banaye rakhta hai. Ye sirf ek train ki kahani nahi balki ek aisi journey hai jo insaan ke andar ke dar, yaadon, aur past ko samne lati hai. Kahani ka mood dark aur haunting hai aur iska andaz dilchasp hai. Lekin kuch jagah thodi confusion aur slow feel hoti hai aur thodi clarity ya action isse aur mazboot bana sakta tha.
Positive Points:
Suspense aur Mystery:
Kahani shuru se hi ek suspense banati hai. khali train, silent passengers aur time ka loop ye sab dil mein dar aur curiosity jagate hain. Har pal kuch naya khulne ka ehsaas hota hai.
Atmosphere ka Jadoo:
Train ka andhera, platform ki khamoshi aur repeating scenes ka description itna real hai ki aap bhi Anika ke sath us dar ko mehsoos karte ho. Mood set karne mein kahani kamal karti hai.
Anika ka Inner Journey:
Passengers ka Anika ke past se judna jaise uski maa, dost, aur dada ek emotional aur psychological twist lata hai. Ye dikhata hai ki ye safar sirf bahar ka nahi andar ka bhi hai.
Unique Concept:
Time loop aur past ke ghosts ka idea alag aur interesting hai. Ye ek simple train journey ko ek bada mystery bana deta hai jo sochne pe majboor karta hai.
Bhaavnao ka Asar:
Anika ke dar, confusion, aur realization ka likha hua andaaz aisa hai ki aap uske sath sath sab mehsoos karte ho. Uske emotions dil tak jate hain.
Negative Points:
Thodi Slow Speed:
Kuch jagah kahani thodi slow ho jati hai jaise jab Anika bar bar loop check karti hai. Thodi tezi ya action isse aur engaging bana sakta tha.
Ant thoda Adhoora:
Kahani ek emotional note pe khatam hoti hai, lekin ye clear nahi hota ki Anika ka kya hua ya train ka maksad kya tha. Thoda closure ya hint accha hota.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai, Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, emotion, aur ek unique idea hona chahiye aur ye teeno isme hai. Atmosphere aur Anika ka inner struggle iska strong point hai.
Bura:
Kahani mein clarity aur ek satisfying end ki kami hai. Agar mystery ka thoda sa jawab ya resolution milta to padhne wala zyada khush hota.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Bhasha simple aur saaf hai koi badi galti nahi dikhti. English ka use acha hai aur descriptions mein flow hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab mystery shuru hota hai beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab Anika loop samajhne ki koshish karti hai aur akhir mein emotional peak ke sath khatam hoti hai.
Ye kahani ek dark, mysterious, aur emotional ride hai jo aapko sochne pe majboor karti hai. Anika ke sath ye train ka safar daravna bhi hai aur dilchasp bhi. Agar aapko suspense, mystery, aur psychological kahaniyan pasand hai to ye aapke liye ek accha experience ho sakta hai. Mystery lovers ke liye ye ek must-try hai!
Ye kahani ek alag hi tarah ki thriller hai jo dil aur dimag dono ko chhoo jati hai. Anika ke sath train ka safar ek mystery ban jata hai jo shuru se lekar akhir tak suspense banaye rakhta hai. Ye sirf ek train ki kahani nahi balki ek aisi journey hai jo insaan ke andar ke dar, yaadon, aur past ko samne lati hai. Kahani ka mood dark aur haunting hai aur iska andaz dilchasp hai. Lekin kuch jagah thodi confusion aur slow feel hoti hai aur thodi clarity ya action isse aur mazboot bana sakta tha.
Positive Points:
Suspense aur Mystery:
Kahani shuru se hi ek suspense banati hai. khali train, silent passengers aur time ka loop ye sab dil mein dar aur curiosity jagate hain. Har pal kuch naya khulne ka ehsaas hota hai.
Atmosphere ka Jadoo:
Train ka andhera, platform ki khamoshi aur repeating scenes ka description itna real hai ki aap bhi Anika ke sath us dar ko mehsoos karte ho. Mood set karne mein kahani kamal karti hai.
Anika ka Inner Journey:
Passengers ka Anika ke past se judna jaise uski maa, dost, aur dada ek emotional aur psychological twist lata hai. Ye dikhata hai ki ye safar sirf bahar ka nahi andar ka bhi hai.
Unique Concept:
Time loop aur past ke ghosts ka idea alag aur interesting hai. Ye ek simple train journey ko ek bada mystery bana deta hai jo sochne pe majboor karta hai.
Bhaavnao ka Asar:
Anika ke dar, confusion, aur realization ka likha hua andaaz aisa hai ki aap uske sath sath sab mehsoos karte ho. Uske emotions dil tak jate hain.
Negative Points:
Thodi Slow Speed:
Kuch jagah kahani thodi slow ho jati hai jaise jab Anika bar bar loop check karti hai. Thodi tezi ya action isse aur engaging bana sakta tha.
Ant thoda Adhoora:
Kahani ek emotional note pe khatam hoti hai, lekin ye clear nahi hota ki Anika ka kya hua ya train ka maksad kya tha. Thoda closure ya hint accha hota.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai, Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, emotion, aur ek unique idea hona chahiye aur ye teeno isme hai. Atmosphere aur Anika ka inner struggle iska strong point hai.
Bura:
Kahani mein clarity aur ek satisfying end ki kami hai. Agar mystery ka thoda sa jawab ya resolution milta to padhne wala zyada khush hota.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Bhasha simple aur saaf hai koi badi galti nahi dikhti. English ka use acha hai aur descriptions mein flow hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab mystery shuru hota hai beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab Anika loop samajhne ki koshish karti hai aur akhir mein emotional peak ke sath khatam hoti hai.
Ye kahani ek dark, mysterious, aur emotional ride hai jo aapko sochne pe majboor karti hai. Anika ke sath ye train ka safar daravna bhi hai aur dilchasp bhi. Agar aapko suspense, mystery, aur psychological kahaniyan pasand hai to ye aapke liye ek accha experience ho sakta hai. Mystery lovers ke liye ye ek must-try hai!
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"Abbu Ki Randi Ayesha" by Naruto411
Yeh ek dark, intense aur provocative story hai jo emotions aur physicality ke extreme ko chhoti hai. Ayesha aur Qasim ke beech ka rishta ek forbidden aur raw attraction ke saath shuru hota hai jo kahani ko tezi se ek bold aur controversial direction mein le jata hai. Likhne ka andaaz vivid aur sensory hai, har scene ko detail mein dikhata hai lekin yeh kahani har kisi ke liye nahi hai. Positive taraf se yeh gripping aur emotional hai lekin negative taraf se iska subject matter bahut uncomfortable aur morally gray hai aur thodi repetitiveness bhi feel hoti hai.
Positive Points:
Vivid Description:
Har scene chahe garmi, paseena, ya chulha ka dhuaan bahut detail mein likha gaya hai. Aapko sab kuch mehsoos hota hai jaise dupatta ka fabric, zameen ki mitti, ya Qasim ka musk.
Emotional Intensity:
Ayesha aur Qasim ke beech ka pull, guilt, desire, aur shame ka mix bahut strong hai. Yeh ek complex emotional ride deta hai jo dil ko chhoo jata hai chahe woh galat hi kyun na lage.
Bold Storytelling:
Kahani openly forbidden desires ko explore karti hai aur sharam ya society ke rules ko challenge karti hai. Yeh ek risk hai jo isko unique banata hai.
Tension ka Build-Up:
Zain ke saath scenes mein tension bahut acchi tarah se banaya gaya hai, har baar jab woh interrupt karta hai dil dhadakne lagta hai ki ab kya hoga.
Raw Dialogues:
Characters ke bolne ka andaaz, crude, direct aur passionate kahani ke tone ke sath perfect match karta hai. Yeh real aur unfiltered lagta hai.
Negative Points:
Uncomfortable Subject:
Ayesha aur Qasim ka rishta morally bahut gray area mein hai jo kayi logon ke liye disturbing ya unacceptable ho sakta hai. Yeh kahani har kisi ke liye nahi hai.
Repetition:
Scenes bar-bar repeat hote hai, kitchen, barn, storeroom aur har baar wahi physicality thodi monotonous lag sakti hai. Thodi variety ya new twists ki kami hai.
Lack of Resolution:
Zain ke saamne aane ke baad kahani khatam ho jati hai bina kisi clear end ke. Yeh adhoora sa lagta hai, kya hua, kya nahi, yeh janane ka mann karta hai.
Over-the-Top Intensity:
Har scene mein emotions aur physicality itni extreme hai ki kabhi-kabhi yeh natural se zyada dramatic lagta hai jo thoda unreal feel kar sakta hai.
Side Characters ka Istemal Nahi:
Zain ke alawa aur koi character develop nahi hota. Woh bhi sirf interruption ke liye hai uski apni story ya depth nahi dikhti.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai, Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani bold aur gripping honi chahiye aur yeh wahi hai. Descriptions aur tension isko memorable banate hain. Yeh aapko sochne pe majboor karti hai chahe aap isse pasand karo ya na karo.
Bura:
Ek acchi kahani mein balance hona chahiye, yeh sirf dark aur intense pe focus karti hai bina kisi lightness ya closure ke. Thodi si subtlety ya moral clarity isko aur impactful bana sakti thi.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
English ka use acha hai aur sensory details mein koi galti nahi dikhti. Dialogues mein Hindi/Punjabi mix natural lagta hai lekin thodi editing se flow aur behtar ho sakta tha.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein lay tezi se chalti hai jab Ayesha ghar aati hai beech mein physical scenes ke saath steady rehti hai lekin end mein suddenly ruk jati hai jab Zain aata hai. Thodi consistency ya proper climax ki kami hai.
Agar aap dark aur forbidden themes enjoy karte ho toh yeh aapke liye hai lekin iski heaviness aur lack of resolution shayad kuch logon ko pasand na aaye.
Yeh ek dark, intense aur provocative story hai jo emotions aur physicality ke extreme ko chhoti hai. Ayesha aur Qasim ke beech ka rishta ek forbidden aur raw attraction ke saath shuru hota hai jo kahani ko tezi se ek bold aur controversial direction mein le jata hai. Likhne ka andaaz vivid aur sensory hai, har scene ko detail mein dikhata hai lekin yeh kahani har kisi ke liye nahi hai. Positive taraf se yeh gripping aur emotional hai lekin negative taraf se iska subject matter bahut uncomfortable aur morally gray hai aur thodi repetitiveness bhi feel hoti hai.
Positive Points:
Vivid Description:
Har scene chahe garmi, paseena, ya chulha ka dhuaan bahut detail mein likha gaya hai. Aapko sab kuch mehsoos hota hai jaise dupatta ka fabric, zameen ki mitti, ya Qasim ka musk.
Emotional Intensity:
Ayesha aur Qasim ke beech ka pull, guilt, desire, aur shame ka mix bahut strong hai. Yeh ek complex emotional ride deta hai jo dil ko chhoo jata hai chahe woh galat hi kyun na lage.
Bold Storytelling:
Kahani openly forbidden desires ko explore karti hai aur sharam ya society ke rules ko challenge karti hai. Yeh ek risk hai jo isko unique banata hai.
Tension ka Build-Up:
Zain ke saath scenes mein tension bahut acchi tarah se banaya gaya hai, har baar jab woh interrupt karta hai dil dhadakne lagta hai ki ab kya hoga.
Raw Dialogues:
Characters ke bolne ka andaaz, crude, direct aur passionate kahani ke tone ke sath perfect match karta hai. Yeh real aur unfiltered lagta hai.
Negative Points:
Uncomfortable Subject:
Ayesha aur Qasim ka rishta morally bahut gray area mein hai jo kayi logon ke liye disturbing ya unacceptable ho sakta hai. Yeh kahani har kisi ke liye nahi hai.
Repetition:
Scenes bar-bar repeat hote hai, kitchen, barn, storeroom aur har baar wahi physicality thodi monotonous lag sakti hai. Thodi variety ya new twists ki kami hai.
Lack of Resolution:
Zain ke saamne aane ke baad kahani khatam ho jati hai bina kisi clear end ke. Yeh adhoora sa lagta hai, kya hua, kya nahi, yeh janane ka mann karta hai.
Over-the-Top Intensity:
Har scene mein emotions aur physicality itni extreme hai ki kabhi-kabhi yeh natural se zyada dramatic lagta hai jo thoda unreal feel kar sakta hai.
Side Characters ka Istemal Nahi:
Zain ke alawa aur koi character develop nahi hota. Woh bhi sirf interruption ke liye hai uski apni story ya depth nahi dikhti.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai, Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani bold aur gripping honi chahiye aur yeh wahi hai. Descriptions aur tension isko memorable banate hain. Yeh aapko sochne pe majboor karti hai chahe aap isse pasand karo ya na karo.
Bura:
Ek acchi kahani mein balance hona chahiye, yeh sirf dark aur intense pe focus karti hai bina kisi lightness ya closure ke. Thodi si subtlety ya moral clarity isko aur impactful bana sakti thi.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
English ka use acha hai aur sensory details mein koi galti nahi dikhti. Dialogues mein Hindi/Punjabi mix natural lagta hai lekin thodi editing se flow aur behtar ho sakta tha.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein lay tezi se chalti hai jab Ayesha ghar aati hai beech mein physical scenes ke saath steady rehti hai lekin end mein suddenly ruk jati hai jab Zain aata hai. Thodi consistency ya proper climax ki kami hai.
Agar aap dark aur forbidden themes enjoy karte ho toh yeh aapke liye hai lekin iski heaviness aur lack of resolution shayad kuch logon ko pasand na aaye.
T
That is one constructive criticism I wanted this to be pure mastrubation material maybe I was wrong . If I had developed the character building as well as world building it would have been made it better but instead I focused on sex scenes in various settings . I will write the second story taking this review into consideration. I am thinking about starting the story with the ending of this story but one which doesn't need to read this to understand that
Samar_Singh
Conspiracy Theorist
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Story : Maa aur Mausaji ke karibi rishte
Writer : LONELYCHAHAK
बेटा अपनी मां और मौसा के अवैध अतरंग शारीरिक संबंधों का गवाह बनता है।
ये कहानी फोरम पर पहले से ही चल रही एक कहानी का अंश मात्र है तो प्रतियोगिता के नियमों के अनुसार नहीं है। इसीलिए शुरू और अंत दोनों ही कोई सेंस नहीं बनाते, की जो भी हो रहा है उसकी शुरुआत कैसे कब हुई।
वर्तनी की गलतियां कई जगह पर है, फ़ॉन्ट स्टाइल और टेक्स्ट अलाइनमेंट भी अनाकर्षक दिखाई पड़ते है। कहानी छोटी है और किसी भी दृश्य का बिल्डअप नहीं है।
सेक्स पार्ट भी उत्तेजक की जगह रुचिहीन और क्रिंज लगता है।
Rating - 2/10
Writer : LONELYCHAHAK
बेटा अपनी मां और मौसा के अवैध अतरंग शारीरिक संबंधों का गवाह बनता है।
ये कहानी फोरम पर पहले से ही चल रही एक कहानी का अंश मात्र है तो प्रतियोगिता के नियमों के अनुसार नहीं है। इसीलिए शुरू और अंत दोनों ही कोई सेंस नहीं बनाते, की जो भी हो रहा है उसकी शुरुआत कैसे कब हुई।
वर्तनी की गलतियां कई जगह पर है, फ़ॉन्ट स्टाइल और टेक्स्ट अलाइनमेंट भी अनाकर्षक दिखाई पड़ते है। कहानी छोटी है और किसी भी दृश्य का बिल्डअप नहीं है।
सेक्स पार्ट भी उत्तेजक की जगह रुचिहीन और क्रिंज लगता है।
Rating - 2/10
Last edited:
Saira Bano
New Member
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Uffffff maine kabhi bhi esse khubsurat koi kahani nahi padiEk Shadishuda Aurat.
Uspe Gairon ki Nazar..
{Part-1}
Genre-: adultery
Writer: labia (Déisha)Uff ye garmi...
Abhi April ka mahina suru Hui nahi..aage may, june bhi kaatni hai... Ab pata nhi ye march ke mahine se ye suraj ko kya hogaya..
isliye apna Chand achha hai.. cooler ki air deflectors ko adjust karte huye keh uthi sania...
Wese uski kehne par hubby ne order kar diya tha .. do din se nayi AC delivered ho kar padi hai Ghar pe..ab tak koi technician bheja nahin unhone.. representative ko 4 baar call karne ke baad bhi... Idher garmi sehna musqil ho rhi.... Aaj to fitting chahiye hi chahiye..
Aayan ko call lagati hai sania... Dekho do din bitgaye .. koi nhi aaya ab tak fit karne...!! Isliye aapko mana ki thi online se mat mangwao AC .. dukaan se laaye hote to wo khud aake fit kar jaate kabka.
Aayan: baby.. aaj lunch time pe karta hu bandobast.. abhi supervisor aaya hua hai site par.. karta hu me kuch free hokar.
Sania: bhulna mat... Aaj jese bhi karke lagwado.. achanak garmi badh gayi hai yahan.. pasine se loth poth ho rhi hun..
[[Shadi ko lagbhag 1 mahina hue the Aayan ko jaana pada , duty jo hai.. roti to wohin se aayegi.. Qatar me kaam karta tha refinery me ek oil engineer ke tor par achha khasa salary.... Sania ke saath love cum arrange marriage hui thi uski... Ghar pe koi iss shadi se raazi nahi the siwaye sania ke ammi ....kyun ki wo the Barelvi aur ye the chisti...
Isliye shadi ke baad majbooran sania ko le ke rented house me rahne laga Aayan... Aur duty join karne se pehle uski ammi ko saath rehne ki jimma diya .. shala jo 7th me tha.. uska bhi aana jaana rehta tha.. ]]
Aayan ka lunch 12:30 ko hota tha... Duty se canteen jaane ke raste hi wo.. Daikin ke service ko call lagaya... Unhone bataya ki " sir abhi humara technician available nhi hai.. aapke seher me.. hume arrange karne me aur do din lagenge...
Aayan ne badi request ki to unhone kaha mitsubishi ka ek available hai.. bolo to unhe connect kardu aapke services me.. similar connections and fittings ... So koi problems nhi hogi .. bas thoda charges jyada honge..
Aayan: kitna jyada..?
Daikin s.c.: final bill plus 1.5 k.
Aayan: chalega.. aap bhejwa do .. (bas 1500 ki to baat hai)
aayan thoda raahat ki saans liya aur lunch karte karte sania ko bataya.. aaj dopeher me hi technician aayenge... Mene arrange kar diya hai babes .. ab to khus ho na ..
Paisa thoda jyada lega.. tum tension mat lena.. me bhej dunga tumhare ac me..
Sania: thank you hubby...aapki yaad aa rhi...
Aayan: aajaunga babes.. kya karein.. thodisi sabr tum rakhlo.. thodisi hum ... Raat ko karta hu video call.... Ok bye... Babes...!
Sania: are han.. mummy gayi hai Ghar..chhota bhai aaya tha... Abbu ko thoda bukhar hai bolke..
Aayan: akeli ho abhi..kab aayengi ammi .?
Sania: kal tak aayegi bol rhi thi.
Aayan: to fir ac technician ka cancel kardun...
Sania: mmmmhh... Rehne do...! Padosh me yukta bhabi hai.. bula lungi...
Aayan: pakka na..
Sania: hanji.. AC jaruri hai.. me manage karlungi..
Aayan: ok, take care babes... See you..
Sania: bye.. miss you..!
_____'
[[ Sania.. ek 5feet 2inch ki khubsurat aurat jiske pichhe college se pada hua tha Aayan aur akheer, shadi me tabdil hui ye pyar.. shadi ke ek mahine me hi Sania me kafi badlav aagayi thi . Jo pehle itni conservative kism ki thi ab uske jism me uchhal thi..
Shadi ke baad aksar auraton me badlaav aate hain.. sania ki chhati 32 E se badhkar 34H hogayi.. kamar 34 se badhkar 36 hogayi.. purane bra pehni to mumme side se bahar aajate hain...isliye online se mangayi kuch naye jode .. Aayan paisa barabar bhej deta hai Sania ki jo bhi jarurat ho..[/JUSTIFY]
Subah colony me se jab kachra gaadi gujarti hai to Sania ko jaana padta hai kyun ki ammi ki per pichle saal hairline fracture hoke bada dard deta tha kabhi kabhi... Upar niche hone se..
Uss kachre gaadi ka jo helper tha ek kaala mustanda aadmi... Kaafi ghoorta tha Sania ko jab kachra daalne jaati thi... Sania jyadatar nighty pehn ke soti hai aur kabhi kabhi der raat apne sohar se baat karte karte late soti hai to subah jaldi jaldi me bina bra aur panty ka ... Bas nighty me chali jaati thi kachra daalne.... Uss din uss kaale mustande ka din ban jaata tha ... Upar se niche Sania ki madmast jawani ko dekh ke kaluwa pagla jaata tha... Wo chuchiyon ki uchhal aur hilte chutadon ki darshan se huchul mach jaata tha kaluwa ki pant ke ander ... Jabse Sania ko pata lagi to wo ek shawl daal ke jaati thi.. ussdin kaluwa ka mann khatta ho jaata tha ..]]
Dopeher ko karib 2 :20 me calling bell ki awaj se Sania ki ankh khuli... Garmi ke dino me khane ke baad thoda aalas aa hi jaati hai.. upar se ek cooler aur ek fan ki hawa me Sania ki ankh lagna jayaz tha ..
Hadbadi me uthi... Umhhh... (Ye ac wala aaya hoga....) aur sabse pehle nighty ko upar karke bra pehn ne lagi... Tabhi aur do baar calling bell baji .. Sania wese bhi panty nhi pehnti thi nighty ke ander... Bina muh dhoye sabse pehle gayi door ki lens me check karne.. ek ankh laga ke dekhi .. technician uniform to nhi hai.. magar tool bag, frames, drill wagera le kar koi khada tha bahar .. samajhgayi fitting wala aaya hai ...
Darwaja kholi.. technician ki ankhein Sania ke upar padi to bas wo dekhte hi rehgaya. Jese uski ankhein taras rahe the kabse... Itni sunder..aurat..!!!
Sania: AC lagane aaye hain bhaiya..?
[[ Pathakon ko bata den ye koi technician nhi tha... Ye inventory owner .. Daikin services ki urgent request se apna mitsubishi store ko dopeher me band kar ke aaya.. kyun ki koi bhi technician available nhi the to owner Ketan Turiya ko aana pada.. rayishi aadmi.. isko jaanne wale log isse "Ketu " kehke pukaarte hain.. jahan gaya, kuch na kuch kartav karta aaya hai .. use bas nayi nayi auraton ki talash rehta hai.. hawasi no 1.]]
Ketu: ji?
Sania: bhaiya.. AC ke liye na ..
((Ketu. Ki ankhein abhi thikse dekha bhi nhi Sania ko aur idher sawal pe sawal... Bikhre baal, chamakti gaal.. gale me halka pasina .., khade khade mumme, niche gori gori paon... Nighty ke upar se jitna dekh sakta tha, dekhliya...
Sania so ke jo uthi thi.. sach me koi hoor apsari lag rhi thi sania))
Sania: hello.. bhaiya..!?
Ketu: (mann hi mann bhaiya mat bol) .. ji mam ..boliye..
Sania: are kabse to puch rahi hun ..
Ketu: hanji mam.. kis room pe lagana hai.. aur compressor setup kahan rahega ..
Ab samjhi ye sahi aadmi hai..
Sania ek duplex me rehti thi.. upper floor me..
Aayiye bhaiya.. dikhati hun.. aur sidhiyan chadhne lagi ... Piche ketu ki nazar bilkul udher... Hilte chutadon par... Wo chahta tha ye sidhiyan kabhi khatam na ho... Chalte chalte Jahan thak Jaye.. wohin chodna suru karde Sonia ko pakad kar ..
Pehle Sania ketu ko chhat pe compressor setup lagane ko jagah dikhayi aur fir niche aaye 1st floor pe...
Ketu: kounsi room me lagani hai madam...
Sania: idher bedroom me ..
Ketu hall me pada ac ko unpack karne baithgaya.. tabhi Sania boli... Aap arrange Karo me abhi aayi niche se...
Ketu: ok madam... Aur Sania ko jaate huye ghurne laga pichhe se .
Sania akeli thi isliye sochi ki padosh se yukta bhabi ko bula leti hu.. aur ye kya unke duplex me jaa ke dekhi to tala laga hua hai... !!! Abhi to thi lunch se pehle...!!!
Sania apne aap ko kosh rahi thi mujhe pehle se khabar karna chahiye tha ... Ye Ac walo ki bhi to koi khabar nhi, kab aayenge... Chhchh!!!
Wapas aayi.. tab tak Ketu unpack kar chuka tha..
Ketu: mam.. kounsi deewal pe lagani hai dikhao..
Sania:idher..
Ketu, Sania se folding ladder maangti hai.. par unke rented house me kahan se aayenge ladder..
Sania: table se chal jayega bhaiya..?
Ketu: han...
Aur dusre room se ek table ko Khali karne lagti hai sania.. uske upar Jo bhi saaman pade the.. ketu bhi jaa ke madad karne lagta hai...
Sania: me kar lungi bhaiya ..
Ketu ki nazar ek packet pe ruk jaati hai...jo Sania dwara recently mangayi ek bra ki packet padi thi.. packet ke uapr ek model bra pehn ke khadi thi... Ketu ko jaise khuraakh milgaya...
Kya yehi same chiz ye aurat bhi pehni hai.. ye ta iss model se bhi sunder lagti hogi.. model to shukhi rookhi ye aur ye to hari bhari ..
Sania ne fauran hataya packet ko wahan se..
Table ko dono pakad ke le gaye bedroom me.. aamne saamne table ko pakadne ke kaaran ketu ko aur karibi se dekhne ko mauka mila... Sania ki soundarya.... Khusboo nikal rahi thi Sania ke badan se.
Ketu aapne kaam pe lag gaya ... Drill, frame attach , Compressor stand and fittings karne laga... Nayi AC lagane me 1 se do ghante to lagte hi hain.. kitna bhi jaldi me karo...
Iss bich do baar paani maang ke pi chuka tha ketu .. Sania se .. Pani ke bahane Sania ki haath ko touch bhi kar raha tha.. tharki aadmi jab last baar paani pine mangaya tab table par khada tha aur Sania ne glass me Paani badhayi.. ketu jaan bujh ke bhari glass ko Sania pe giradiya.... Sania ki left side ki boobs puri bhig gayi.....
Ketu: sorry mam... sorry.... mere haath se fisal gaya ..
Sania ko majboran nighty change karni padi.. ye wali nighty thodi patli thi..
Kaam karte karte.. baton baton me Sania ke husband, love marriage ke bare me ketu ne pata kar liya...
Ketu: aap akeli reh rahi ho mam..?
Sania: nhi..ammi aati hi hongi...
Iss aadmi ki harkat pata to chal rha tha Sania ko.. par AC jyada jaruri tha..
3:30 ko fitting khatm kar chuka tha..ab baari thi check karne ki..
Ketu ne AC on kiya... Aur daikin ki mast smooth running chalu hogaya .. compressor kicked in aur... Thandi thandi hawa chalu ... .
Ketu: mam idher khadi raho..
Sania ko bula ke ac ke saamne khada kiya aur air vanes ko fix Kiya jaise.. saari hawa sania ke muh pe lage ...
Sania khusi se ankh band kar ke hawa ki maza lene lagi .. Ketu table pe khada raha ... Ketu ne AC fan ki speed ko aur badhaya.... Sania ki nighty chhati se chipakne lagi aur boobs ke shape achhe se dikhne lage... upar se cleavage dikh raha tha... Uska luft uthane laga Ketu ..
[[ ...Shadi ke 2 mahine baad hi ketu ki biwi .. chhod ke chaligayi ... Iski janwar wali harkaton ke kaaran .. tabse randwa ghum raha hai ... Ab 35 saal ka hogaya tha... Iss bich biwi jaane ki 5 saal purti ho chuka tha... 5th happy randwa anniversary .. Aur ketu saamne itni khubsurat aurat dekh ke imagine karne laga .. bahar se itni sunder to kapde ke ander kesi dikhti hogi ...]]
Sania ankh kholi aur swabhavik hone lagi.. kyun ki ketu ankhein Sania ki chuchiyon ko dekh raha tha...
Sania: thik hai bhaiya... Finish hogaya ki aur kuch baki hai... batayiye Kitna hua aapka ...
Ketu: achha paisa na... Wo to... Baad me .. ek akhri kaam... Aapko remote chalana sikha deta hu.
Sania ab aur der ketu ko rakhna safe nhi samajhti thi.... Wo me jaanti hun... Mere ghar pe bhi same AC hai .. batein banate huye boli...
Sania: han to kitna hua bhaiya aapka..?
Ketu: batata hu... Aap pehle receipt dedo purchase ki .. waranty activate karna hai .. aaj kal sab online ho gaya hai mam....
Ye aadmi ko jaldi bhagana chahti thi par fir nayi kaam. Dhundo abhi ..
Sania.. yaad karne lagi kahan rakhi .. receipt....! Han yaad aaya .. almirah me hai ...
Tabhi current chalagaya... Aur room me andhera... Kyun ki ac chalane ke liye khidki wagera sab band rakhe the ...
Almirah udher bedroom me hi tha ... Sania boli bhaiya zara khidki khol do...
Ab ketu utra table se niche .. table ko thodasa khiskaya aur khidki khol di ..
paschimi dhup room ke ander tak pad rahi thi... Ketu khidki se curtain ko bhi achhe se hata diya...
Sania chabi le kar almirah kholne lagi.. almirah kholte kholte thodi si mundi ghumayi ye dekhne ke liye ketu kidher hai.. sayam rakhna bahot jaruri tha warna ye 'AC' Wale ka Nazar bas 'C' par hi hai...
(( Pathakon ko bata den idher C ka matlab- Chu*hi, Ch*t, Chutt*d ))
Sania receipt dhundne lagi.. shayad ek file ke ander rakhi thi.... Wo file uthayi aur uska file kholne ke liye velcro closure ko khichne lagi...
Bidhi ki bidhan dekho velcro khul gayi par file haath se gir kar ander ke saare documents bikhar gayi floor pe...
Sania pareshan ho ke thodi piche aayi.. taaki documents me per na lage .. jese pichhe aayi, khidki se ander aati Hui dhup Sania ki bhari chutad pe padi...
Aap log bhi agar kismatwale ho to aap log dekhe honge.. nighty ke ek side se light padne se ander tak saaf pata chaljaata hai..
Sania ki nighty ki kapda bhi kafi patli thi... Garmi ke kaaran wo patli aur halki wali pehnti thi.. aur upar se paani girne ke wajah ye purani pehn li.
Jis suraj ko gaali de rhi thi Sania wohi suraj apni kirano se aaj uski ander ki jawani ko gair mard ke aage parosh rahi thi jaise....
Ketu jese hawasiyon ke liye itni karibi se ye bharpur jawani dekh kar apne par kaabu paana musqil hi nhi namumkin tha..
Suru se sania ke bikhre baal.. chehre ki chamak.. unnat uroj... Bra ki cover... Wo haath ki chhuan.. girte paani ka uski chhati ko chumban.. Fir cleavage darshan ..... Aur ab ankhon ke saamne Sania ki madmast yovan....
Ketu ke ling pe blood circulation badh gaya achanak..
Sania documents uthane ke liye niche jhuk gayi.. bina panty ke patli si kapde me ye badi chuttad aur bich me chut ki absthapan ko dhai feet ki doori par dekh kar Ketu ke haat se screw driver aur AC remote gir gaya...
Jawan jism ko dekh kar Ketu bhul gaya gunah aur nek-kHaslat ke bich ka anter....
Ketu apna haath aage badhaya aur nighty ko piche se Sania ki kamar tak utha diya.... Isse pehle ki sania kuch soch samajh paaye... Ketu apna muh sata diya tha Sania ki bharpur yovan par... Ketu ka honth Sania ke nichle honth ko chum ne lage the.....
Sania ke sharir me ajeeb si hulchul machgayi... Jaise jalti hui aag me koi ghee chidak diya ho... Sania apne per aur ghutno me kamjori mehsus karne lagi....kaampne lagi.....! Seedhe khade hone ke liye jaise saare taakat khatm ho chuke the... Ketu ka ek haath Sania ki kamar pe nighty ko ek saath pakda hua tha aur dusre haath se dono janghon ko pakad apne aur akarshit kar rakha tha... Aur narm garm honth apas me takra rahe the... Ketu ka jeebh Sania ki phooli hui chut pe dastak de raha tha.... Sania ke uparwale honth bhi kaamp rahe the... Koi shabd nhi nikal rahe the... Bas dono ki bhari saasein sunayi de rahi thi....
{{ Shadi ke ek mahine jo husband ke saath bitaya tha Sania ne... Physical bas 4 baar hua tha dono ke bich... Kyun ki baki dino Aayan ka tabiyat kharab raha.. Qatar ka paani aur yahan rented house ka paani uska sehat adjust nhi kar paaya ... Stomach infection ke wajah pareshan raha aur Sania ki shadi ke baad wali pyas adhuri rehgayi.... Sania apni virginity husband ke saath khoyi thi magar uske baad wali temptation ko thandak milne se raha}}
Aise gair mard ka ekaek chhuan se Sania ki dabi hui vaasna ek panchhi ki tarah fadfada rahi thi.. chhutne ki koshish karne ki chah rahi thi par tan badan dheeli pad gayi thi... Ketu aur Sania dono kaamottejana se kabse tadap rahe the...
Ketu , Sania ko bed ki taraf ghuma deta hai jahan Sania apni sharir ko sahara de sake... Sania ye kesi bas me aa gayi thi aanjaane me ek anjaan mard ki ishare ko chah kar bhi mana nhi kar paa rhi thi.. na saath de rahi thi na birodh kar rahi thi.... Wese jhuki hui thi bistar ke upar aur piche ketu ka jaban Sania ki chut aur janghon ko bhigo diya tha ... Sania ki badi gaand ko ahiste ahiste masal raha tha....
Ketu sahsa khada ho jaata hai aur apni belt ki buckle ko dhila kar deta hai ek haath se aur dusri haath Sania ki janghon ko aur failane ko ishara karta hai ... Koi sex toy jaisi sania apni kaampti janghon ko aur chauda karti hai... Itne me usse zipper kholne ke awaj aayi... Usse pata tha aage kya hone jaa raha hai... Apni ankhein band kar leti hai... Jab ketu ka shakth guptanga Sania ki yoni ko chhu leta hai... Ketu apna lund se Sania ki chut ki dono adharon ko dono taraf karte huye chut ki dwar ko khojne lagta hai.. aur ek jagah jaa ke ruk jaata hai .. ketu ko dwar mil gaya tha ...
Sania bedsheet ko kas ke pakad leti hai..
jab ketu pichhe se apni sari wajan Sania ki chut pe laga deti hai..
Ketu haavi ho kar apna ling ko Sania ki chut ki chhed pe sata ke rakha tha .. .. aur wajan daalte hi... Chut ko chaudi karti hui Ketu ka mota 6 inch ka lund ander ghusti chali gayi... Sania seh nhi paayi Ketu ka lund ki motai ko... Apni tan ko sikudne lagi... Par pichhe se ketu , sania ki sudol badi gaand ko hathon se failaya aur... Apni lund ko Sania ki chut ki gehraayi tak jaane Diya....
Sania ke body me kampan ke saath saath becheni se bechari bilbila uthi..... Ummmmm.... Sssiiiii.... Iiiissshhh...... Shabdo me bhi kampan the .. un sab ko nazar andaaz karte huye ketu fadfadati Sania ki hathon ko pith pe laa kar ek haath se pakda aur apne ling se Sania ki chut pe aur dhakka maarne laga......
Aise lambe chaude pyase mard ki mote lund se dhakke ke saamne Sania jyada der tik nhi paayi...... Use akasmaat badan me jhanjhanhat hui hui aur lambi siskiyon ke saath saath apni chut se Ketu ki lund ko jakad li.. pehla orgasm tha Sania ki moan aur Ketu ki groan ke saath...
Ketu Sania ki ek per ko bed ke upar utha deta hai aur lambi lambi jhatke maarne lagta hai... Sania behaal thi... Jyada der wo apni per ko upar nhi rakh paayi... Chut se dhar jaangh tak aa chuke the aur Ketu ka lund bachedaani tak chhu raha tha... Sania sahasa apni per niche karti hai aur Ketu chodne ka gati teji se badah deta hai ...
Sania ke uparwale honth se aanand aur dard mishrit shabd nikalne lage...
Ummuummmhuuu....... Aaaa.... Uuuuhhhh......
Umuuummmm.... Shhhiiii Ah sssh.... Aaaammmmmhhhhhhhh..... Uuggghhh...
Aur niche Wale honth na chahte huye bhi ek gair mard ki lund ko ander bahar hone me madad kar rahe the ...... Thap thap ki awaj aur Sania ki moan se ketu ko aur maza aa raha tha... Raftaar badha diya dant pishte huye ..
Ketu achanak groan karne lagta hai.... Uhh... Ggrrrrhh....!!! Aur bade jor se dhakka maarne lagta hai pichhe se.. Sania ki pith ko noch leta hai. Sania dard se sihar jaati hai... Aur agle pal... Ketu... Aapni puri takat laga deta hai.... Ander davi hui vaasna ko ek saath Sania ke chut ki gehraai me birya ke aakaar se chhod deta hai.... Aur Sania ke upar gir ke jor jor se saasein lene lagta hai.....
1 minute baad
Sania ki pith ko dhime dhime kiss karne lagta hai Ketu.... Meri apsari mujhe mil gayi.... Meri hoor mujhe mil gayi... Sania ke ankhon se aansuon ki kuch bundein bedsheet ko bhiga rahi thi.... Madam... Aap jaisi iss duniya me koi nhi... Aur fir ek baar Sania ki pith aur kamar ko chumta hai... .
Ketu ab Sania ke upar se hatt jata hai... Uth ke apna pant pehne lagta hai ..Sania ki nangi chudi Hui faili chut ke taraf dekh kar ek mardaani bhari muskaan deta hai aur fir.... Sania ki nighty ko niche ki taraf khinch ke dhank deta hai....
Current aa chuka tha... Ketu khidki band karta hai . ..Apna tools sawar ke bag me bharta hai.. AC on kar deta hai... Aur remote ko Sania ke haathon me pakda deta hai....
Jaate jaate kehta hai... AC me kuch v kharabi aaye to batana madam... Hamesha aapki seva me rahenge aur pocket se ek card nikal ke bed pe fenkta hai.. ye rahi mericard.. . Me aaya... aur darwaja band kardo madam .. AC chalu hai...
Sania der tak usi avastha me padi rehti hai ketu jaane ke baad... ... Aar sawal kar rahi thi aapne aap se... kya... jo hua wo galat tha.....!!! Ya galati meri thi...... ?? Mene roka kyun nahin....!!!
Hubby ka msg aaya kaam hogaya?? Extra Charges kitne liye..??
Sania pade pade soch rahi thi kya reply de.. ! Kounsi charges ke bare me likhe..
Bahar ki aag ko AC thanda karne laga tha aur ander ki aag ko Ketu bujha chuka tha..... Par kab tak....!!!!
Mere liye toh ye Eid ka behad Khubsurat taufa sa hai
Ek alag eshsas
Shukriya Writer
Sahab
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"Terahvi Manzil ka Rahasya" by JOKER.
Ek dilchasp aur suspense se bhari kahani hai jo mystery aur thrill ka perfect mix hai. Ajay ki zindagi ek normal routine se shuru hoti hai lekin 13vi manzil par jaane ke baad ek ajeeb twist ke sath yeh kahani ek thrilling ride ban jati hai, padhne mein maza deti hai kyunki har pal naye sawaal aur dar paida karti hai.
Positive Points:
Suspense ka Jadoo:
Kahani shuru se lekar akhir tak suspense banaye rakhti hai. 13vi manzil ka mystery, Ajay ki pehchaan ka mit jana aur company ka secret, sab dil mein dar aur curiosity jagate hain.
Realistic Start:
Ajay ki daily life, office ka routine, thakan, deadlines, bahut real lagti hai. Isse reader uske sath jud paata hai aur twist aur bhi shocking lagta hai.
Unique Concept:
Ek manzil jo nahi honi chahiye, wahan jana aur pehchaan khona, yeh idea naya aur interesting hai. Isme science fiction aur psychological thriller ka mix acha laga.
Atmosphere:
13vi manzil ka description, dhool, andhera, purane documents, ek creepy vibe banata hai jo kahani ke mood ke sath perfect jata hai.
Ending ka Twist:
Akhir mein Ajay ka wapas normal life mein aana aur sawaal chhod dena ki yeh sach hai ya bhram ek gehra asar chhodta hai aur sochne pe majboor karta hai.
Negative Points:
Thodi Clarity ki Kami:
13vi manzil par kya hua, company ne kyun Ajay ko mita diya, ye details thodi rehte hain, thoda aur explanation hota to better hota.
Slow Beech ka Hissa:
Jab Ajay apni pehchaan wapas pane ki koshish karta hai, bank, ghar, phone, ye thoda repetitive aur slow lagta hai. Thodi tezi laayi ja sakti thi.
Side Characters ka Kam Istemal:
Shrikant, Radhika ya Rohan jaise characters sirf chhote roles mein hain. Inke through kahani ko aur explore kiya ja sakta tha.
Ending thodi Jaldi:
Server reset ke saath sab normal ho jana thoda rushed laga. Thodi aur buildup ya struggle dikhaya ja sakta tha taki climax aur impactful lage.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, strong concept, aur emotional connect hona chahiye aur yeh teeno isme hai. Ajay ka dar aur mystery reader ko saath le chalta hai.
Bura:
Kahani mein thodi aur clarity aur balanced ki kami hai agar details aur ending pe zyada dhyan hota to yeh aur mazboot hoti.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Hindi mein likhi gayi yeh kahani saaf aur galti se mukta hai. Shabd aur bhasha simple lekin effective hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab mystery shuru hota hai, beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab Ajay struggle karta hai, aur akhir mein phir tezi pakadti hai. Thodi consistency beech mein laayi ja sakti thi.
Yeh kahani ek thrilling aur sochne wali mystery hai jo aapko shuru se akhir tak bandh ke rakhti hai. Ajay ke sath yeh safar daravna bhi hai aur dilchasp bhi. Thodi si clarity aur strong ending ki kami hai lekin jo hai woh bhi apne aap mein ek alag ehsaas deta hai. Mystery lovers ke liye yeh ek zabardast padhne ka moka hai! Thoda aur refine hoti to perfect ban sakti thi.
Ek dilchasp aur suspense se bhari kahani hai jo mystery aur thrill ka perfect mix hai. Ajay ki zindagi ek normal routine se shuru hoti hai lekin 13vi manzil par jaane ke baad ek ajeeb twist ke sath yeh kahani ek thrilling ride ban jati hai, padhne mein maza deti hai kyunki har pal naye sawaal aur dar paida karti hai.
Positive Points:
Suspense ka Jadoo:
Kahani shuru se lekar akhir tak suspense banaye rakhti hai. 13vi manzil ka mystery, Ajay ki pehchaan ka mit jana aur company ka secret, sab dil mein dar aur curiosity jagate hain.
Realistic Start:
Ajay ki daily life, office ka routine, thakan, deadlines, bahut real lagti hai. Isse reader uske sath jud paata hai aur twist aur bhi shocking lagta hai.
Unique Concept:
Ek manzil jo nahi honi chahiye, wahan jana aur pehchaan khona, yeh idea naya aur interesting hai. Isme science fiction aur psychological thriller ka mix acha laga.
Atmosphere:
13vi manzil ka description, dhool, andhera, purane documents, ek creepy vibe banata hai jo kahani ke mood ke sath perfect jata hai.
Ending ka Twist:
Akhir mein Ajay ka wapas normal life mein aana aur sawaal chhod dena ki yeh sach hai ya bhram ek gehra asar chhodta hai aur sochne pe majboor karta hai.
Negative Points:
Thodi Clarity ki Kami:
13vi manzil par kya hua, company ne kyun Ajay ko mita diya, ye details thodi rehte hain, thoda aur explanation hota to better hota.
Slow Beech ka Hissa:
Jab Ajay apni pehchaan wapas pane ki koshish karta hai, bank, ghar, phone, ye thoda repetitive aur slow lagta hai. Thodi tezi laayi ja sakti thi.
Side Characters ka Kam Istemal:
Shrikant, Radhika ya Rohan jaise characters sirf chhote roles mein hain. Inke through kahani ko aur explore kiya ja sakta tha.
Ending thodi Jaldi:
Server reset ke saath sab normal ho jana thoda rushed laga. Thodi aur buildup ya struggle dikhaya ja sakta tha taki climax aur impactful lage.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, strong concept, aur emotional connect hona chahiye aur yeh teeno isme hai. Ajay ka dar aur mystery reader ko saath le chalta hai.
Bura:
Kahani mein thodi aur clarity aur balanced ki kami hai agar details aur ending pe zyada dhyan hota to yeh aur mazboot hoti.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Hindi mein likhi gayi yeh kahani saaf aur galti se mukta hai. Shabd aur bhasha simple lekin effective hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab mystery shuru hota hai, beech mein thodi dheemi padti hai jab Ajay struggle karta hai, aur akhir mein phir tezi pakadti hai. Thodi consistency beech mein laayi ja sakti thi.
Yeh kahani ek thrilling aur sochne wali mystery hai jo aapko shuru se akhir tak bandh ke rakhti hai. Ajay ke sath yeh safar daravna bhi hai aur dilchasp bhi. Thodi si clarity aur strong ending ki kami hai lekin jo hai woh bhi apne aap mein ek alag ehsaas deta hai. Mystery lovers ke liye yeh ek zabardast padhne ka moka hai! Thoda aur refine hoti to perfect ban sakti thi.
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- 155,528
- 304
"A Cursed Night" by Amour
Ek dark aur thrilling kahani hai jo suspense, mystery, aur supernatural ka shandaar mix hai. Rajan aur Ridhima ki kahani ek normal zindagi se shuru hoti hai lekin Addison Palace ke shapit mahaul mein jakar ek bhayankar twist leti hai. Yeh kahani dil ko baandh ke rakhti hai aur dar, pyar, aur shaitani takat ka ek alag ehsaas dilati hai.
Positive Points:
Shandaar Atmosphere:
Addison Palace ka description, purana bangla, basement ka andhera, painting ki aankh, ek creepy aur shapit vibe banata hai jo kahani ko zinda karta hai.
Suspense aur Dar:
Rajan ke sapne, Sir Robert ka dikhna aur basement ka raaz, har scene mein suspense badhta hai aur dar ka ehsaas dil mein baith jata hai.
Pyar aur Tyaag ka Theme:
Rajan ka Ridhima ke liye apni jaan dena ek emotional touch deta hai. Yeh dikhata hai ki shaitani takat ke bawajood pyar jeet sakta hai.
Unique Concept:
Ek shapit bangla, secret society aur shaitan ki puja ka idea alag aur dilchasp hai. Yeh kahani ko ek fresh angle deta hai.
Painting ka Twist:
Painting ki aankh ka laal hona aur Rajan ko hypnotize karna ek strong visual deta hai jo kahani ko aur daravna banata hai.
Negative Points:
Logic ki Kami:
Rajan ka itni jaldi shaitani takat ke vash mein aana aur suicide karna thoda jaldi-jaldi lagta hai. Thodi aur buildup ya explanation hoti to realistic lagta.
Clarity ka Abhav:
Secret society aur Sir Robert ka past thoda adhoora chhoda gaya hai. Unka maksad aur connection zyada clear nahi hai.
Ending thodi Weak:
Rajan ka suicide aur Ridhima ka behosh hona thoda rushed lagta hai. Inspector Gupta ka investigation bhi adhoora sa chhod diya gaya jo closure ki kami deta hai.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, strong atmosphere aur emotional depth hona chahiye aur yeh teeno isme hai. Kahani darati hai aur dil ko chuti hai.
Bura:
Thoda logic, backstory aur satisfying end ki kami hai agar yeh cheezein hoti to kahani aur mazboot hoti.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Hindi aur English ka mix acha hai lekin thodi editing se chhoti-chhoti galtiyaan thheek ho sakti thi. Overall bhasha simple aur effective hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab Rajan Lansdowne aata hai beech mein sapno ke saath thodi dheemi hoti hai aur akhir mein tezi pakadti hai. Thodi consistency beech mein laayi ja sakti thi.
Yeh kahani ek daravni aur dilchasp ride hai jo shuru se akhir tak aapko apne saath le jati hai. Rajan ka shapit bangla mein fasna aur apne pyar ke liye tyaag karna ek alag ehsaas deta hai. Thodi si clarity aur strong ending ki kami hai lekin atmosphere aur suspense iski taakat hai. Horror lovers ke liye yeh must-read hai.
Ek dark aur thrilling kahani hai jo suspense, mystery, aur supernatural ka shandaar mix hai. Rajan aur Ridhima ki kahani ek normal zindagi se shuru hoti hai lekin Addison Palace ke shapit mahaul mein jakar ek bhayankar twist leti hai. Yeh kahani dil ko baandh ke rakhti hai aur dar, pyar, aur shaitani takat ka ek alag ehsaas dilati hai.
Positive Points:
Shandaar Atmosphere:
Addison Palace ka description, purana bangla, basement ka andhera, painting ki aankh, ek creepy aur shapit vibe banata hai jo kahani ko zinda karta hai.
Suspense aur Dar:
Rajan ke sapne, Sir Robert ka dikhna aur basement ka raaz, har scene mein suspense badhta hai aur dar ka ehsaas dil mein baith jata hai.
Pyar aur Tyaag ka Theme:
Rajan ka Ridhima ke liye apni jaan dena ek emotional touch deta hai. Yeh dikhata hai ki shaitani takat ke bawajood pyar jeet sakta hai.
Unique Concept:
Ek shapit bangla, secret society aur shaitan ki puja ka idea alag aur dilchasp hai. Yeh kahani ko ek fresh angle deta hai.
Painting ka Twist:
Painting ki aankh ka laal hona aur Rajan ko hypnotize karna ek strong visual deta hai jo kahani ko aur daravna banata hai.
Negative Points:
Logic ki Kami:
Rajan ka itni jaldi shaitani takat ke vash mein aana aur suicide karna thoda jaldi-jaldi lagta hai. Thodi aur buildup ya explanation hoti to realistic lagta.
Clarity ka Abhav:
Secret society aur Sir Robert ka past thoda adhoora chhoda gaya hai. Unka maksad aur connection zyada clear nahi hai.
Ending thodi Weak:
Rajan ka suicide aur Ridhima ka behosh hona thoda rushed lagta hai. Inspector Gupta ka investigation bhi adhoora sa chhod diya gaya jo closure ki kami deta hai.
Ek Acchi Kahani ke Liye Kya Accha Hai Kya Bura Hai:
Accha:
Ek acchi kahani mein suspense, strong atmosphere aur emotional depth hona chahiye aur yeh teeno isme hai. Kahani darati hai aur dil ko chuti hai.
Bura:
Thoda logic, backstory aur satisfying end ki kami hai agar yeh cheezein hoti to kahani aur mazboot hoti.
Wartani aur Lay (Spelling and Rhythm):
Wartani (Spelling):
Hindi aur English ka mix acha hai lekin thodi editing se chhoti-chhoti galtiyaan thheek ho sakti thi. Overall bhasha simple aur effective hai.
Lay (Rhythm):
Shuru mein tezi se chalti hai jab Rajan Lansdowne aata hai beech mein sapno ke saath thodi dheemi hoti hai aur akhir mein tezi pakadti hai. Thodi consistency beech mein laayi ja sakti thi.
Yeh kahani ek daravni aur dilchasp ride hai jo shuru se akhir tak aapko apne saath le jati hai. Rajan ka shapit bangla mein fasna aur apne pyar ke liye tyaag karna ek alag ehsaas deta hai. Thodi si clarity aur strong ending ki kami hai lekin atmosphere aur suspense iski taakat hai. Horror lovers ke liye yeh must-read hai.