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Saravanan saw his wife sitting slumped on the floor. Her face was ravaged with sorrow. There seemed to be no life left in her body. This was the one aspect that Saravanan had feared. How is she going to take this all in.
“Meera,” he softly called out.
He saw her body stiffen on hearing his voice. She did not move and seemed to be frozen in time.
“Meera,” he called out again.
Again, it took a few minutes before she slowly turned and looked at his face. In space of this half an hour her face had undergone such a dramatic change. Gone was bright beautiful face. Instead her eyes seemed to be hollow pool without ant light in them. Her face swollen from her tears. Even her facial muscles seem to have lost their firmness. When she saw his face, she finally lost all the will within her. She had made a tremendous effort to keep control of herself when Prabu was here but now all her emotion burst out unmanageable by the sorrow that was consuming her from within.
She shrieked out, her body shuddering uncontrollably as she wailed not being able to see the loving man to whom she had caused so much of heartache and pain. Even now when he had looked at her face there was no hint of anger or admonishment in those eyes. Only kindness and concern for her in spite of her dreadful and shameful behaviour. She had violated all the sacred trust that had united them in marriage all these years and she had done it willingly as lust had overwhelmed all the values with which she had been brought up.
“Why…why…why….she kept shaking her head violently as she cried.
Saravanan went close to her wanting to place a consoling hand on her. She aggressively jerked away from him in horror before he could touch her. When she saw the hurt in her husband’s eyes when she did that she was consumed with grief. He must have thought that she did not even want him to touch her anymore. He was right in that but for not the reason he must be thinking.
“No…no.. you must not touch me. Your fingers should never have to touch this unclean body again,” she sobbed as she looked at him pleadingly.
“Don’t say that Meera….” Saravanan started to say but she cut him off.
“No.. no…,” she pleaded, my filthy stench would stick to you. I don’t deserve any kindness from you. It’s causing a searing pain in my heart every time I think how deeply I had hurt you.
She was again taken up by a paroxysm of sobbing that shook her whole body. It took her awhile to recover from it.
Saravanan sat beside her careful not to touch her. She was at the movement very grief stricken and there must be intense self hate within her. He needed to be very patient for her at the moment.
“It’s okay Meera, calm yourself. We cannot change the past. Nothing to be gained by it. Let’s see what is to be done going forward,” he spoke gently.
She looked up at him, her face deeply lined with sorrow. “How did you bear all this humiliation. I don’t want to live anymore .. if you had beaten me to death I would have gladly died in your hands.”
“No Meera, maybe I too didn’t take care of you properly, I am not completely blameless.”
“No.. no.. ,” Meera shrieked, “ never .. don’t ever say. It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve a good man like you… don’t ever blame yourself, I can’t stand to hear that.”
There was silence for a while. She continued sobbing and Saravanan was patient letting her get to some semblance of self-control.
Meera started talking sombrely, “Why did you never say a word .. you had never shown anger or hate .. after all that I did… why??”
Saravanan didn’t know what to say, he too didn’t know how he was able to bear the strain her illicit relationship caused in his life.
He let her ramble on in her sorrow and gently tried to soothe her but she was filled with so much of self-loathing that she kept berating herself and crying all the while. Finally after almost an hour she started talking about the future.
“You are right .. I can’t be your wife anymore..”
Saravanan looked up at her face, alarmed. Seeing that she quickly continued talking. She did not want him to think of her being a woman of such hideous morals that she wanted to live a life as Prabu’s mistress.
“I don’t deserve to be your wife.. I don’t deserve any happiness in my life for the humiliation and pain I had caused you.”
She looked at Saravanan’s face sincerely and continued, ”Prabu would never come here again nor will I ever meet him again. My life is finished. I am dead inside and this is just a shell existing.”
“No Meera, If you can let go of the past, you need not live like this. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Ha,” she laughed sardonically. There was bitter contempt for herself in it. “I had my second chance when Prabu’s father banished him from here .. I didn’t use that. I was a self absorbed evil bitch, not appreciating the gem I already had.”
“I want to grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness, but only someone who deserves forgiveness can do that. All I seek is death to take me soon.”
Saravanan was now truly alarmed. “Meera, don’t do anything foolish.”
Meera could hear the concern in his voice and that caused another pang of pain in her heart. If he had kicked her, beaten her up she would have had some solace from that, but his kindness and love was causing her far more pain than any violence against her. How could she have been so blind to what she had. She lost everything for some fleeting moments of bodily pleasure.
She wanted to speak loving words of reassurance to her husband but she felt she had lost all the right to do that and was not worthy to even be a woman much less the wife of such a honourable man.
“You suffered all the humiliation because of this. I won’t kill myself .. I will never do anything that would bring dishonour to you till the last breath is in my body.”
Saravanan was relieved to hear that.
“You are right in that the only position I deserve in your life is that of a servant to you. I will pass the rest of my life only in that position and that is the only position I deserve.”
Saravanan spoke to her for the next hour trying to dissuade her of her decision but she was very firm in not budging from her decision.
So began the next phase of their lives. Prabu and his family soon left town and were very, very infrequent visitors to their own home. Meera truly began her life as his servant. She would sleep on the floor in their room and no matter what Saravanan said would not come and sleep on the bed. If he tried to persuade her a lot of tears would start flowing from her cheeks and so Saravanan gave up though it distressed him to see her do this.
She continued to be a loving mother to her children taking care of them as much as she could. Only with her kids would a smile appear once in a while on her face. Saravanan could see the care she had for him too. If he was a little unwell he could see her anxiety. She longed to soothe him and take care of him but she would restrain herself and take care of him like a nurse would. She felt she had no right to be loving to him.
She maintained the outward appearance of a happy family for the sake of Saravanan’s reputation. Even when going to the weekly temple visit, she would let her son or daughter sit in the front with her husband. As a servant she felt she had no right to sit in front with her husband. What hurt her most is that in wanting to punish herself she was also hurting the man she most wanted to have all the happiness in his life. She could not provide the pleasures in bed a wife should give to her husband. She didn’t want a pure hearted man to be sullied by touching a slut like her. For her great sin because of sex she had forsaken any desire for sexual pleasure in her life. Her husband was also being denied that because of it and that hurt her. She wished he would take a second wife or even a mistress who would give him all the happiness he deserved. He was not that type of a man was the reason for her continued sorrow.
The continued mental anguish she was going through was reflected in the changes taking place in her. She was losing weight and started looking haggard. Saravanan was concerned as her health seemed to be getting worse slowly. It was now six months passed that day when everything had come out in the open. Why is her health getting like this, Saravanan wondered. He thought she was not eating properly anymore and despite her protest he made sure she ate with them to make sure she took proper meals. She had been eating after the family members had done so, as a servant should.
However still her health seemed to be getting worse. Saravanan was worried she was suffering some illness. He forced her to come with him and took her to a big hospital in a city closest to their town. A thorough medical examination found nothing wrong with her medically. She was prescribed some vitamins and sent home. After a month her health didn’t seem to have any improvement. Saravanan again took her to the hospital and saw the same specialist. The specialist again did all the tests and some additional ones. The doctor told Meera to rest in bed in a room and called Saravanan aside.
“Doctor, tell me, what’s wrong with her?”
“Mr. Saravanan, I have done all the tests but we can’t find anything wrong.”
The doctor paused for a moment and said,” Sorry sir, but I even examined her to see if she had suffered any physical abuse. There was no signs of any old injuries.”
“What doctor.. you thought I was a wife beater..????”
“Don’t get upset sir, we have to look out for all possibilities. Now don’t get angry but I asked her separately if you are giving her any mental torture.”
Seeing Saravanan being upset at how he had questioned his wife the doctor quickly continued, “ I had to think that because your wife is always very quiet. She hardly speaks a word but when I asked that of her I saw some sort of emotion from her for the first time.”
“What emotion??” asked Saravanan.
“She was angry that I dare think something like that about you.”
Despite himself a small smile appeared in Saravanan’s face.
The doctor continued,” Mr. Saravanan, something has occurred that is causing all this. There seems to be nothing physical wrong with her. I suspect she is suffering something mentally.”
Seeing Saravanan suddenly becoming silent the doctor knew he was on the right track.
“I don’t want to know what it is because I am not trained to help even if I knew. It must be surely something very personal. I think she needs help from a mental health specialist.”
what?? You think my wife is going mad??”
“No, no sir, many people make that mistake. All of us under go mental stress and even may have some mental issues which we are normally able to overcome. The mind can both be fragile and strong. Some people can be overcome by their troubles and it’s not as infrequent as you think.”
Saravanan was pondering on what the doctor was saying. He knew the stress Meera was in. She was always morose and seemed to be lost. Only when the kids or he was around there was some sort of spark within her even though that too was not much. He had even wrongly thinking mistakenly had asked her if she missed Prabu. It was as if he had slapped her. Her haunting look of pain had made him immediately regret what he had asked.
“I would rather die before, but how can I blame you for thinking that. I had behaved in such a cheap and dreadful manner before,” Meera said before bursting into tears.
It took a few days before she could recover from the pain caused by his words. Their life has not changed for the better after as he had expected after the Meera’s affair with Prabu had ended permanently. What else did he have to lose.
“What should I do doctor?”
“I have a colleague who is very good in treating people with problems like these. I will make an appointment with him for you. When next week would be okay for you?”
Saravanan left for home driving his car, deep in his thoughts. Meera sat beside him (Saravanan insisted on it) quietly without saying a word. It was getting dark as late evening had set in.
The following week Saravanan took Meera for an appointment with Dr. Arul Prabakaran, the Psychiatric specialist recommended by the Doctor who was treating Meera. Meera became panicked when she saw that they were going to a different hospital than the one she had gone to before.
The panic caused her to speak as she was often withdrawn and did not speak out on her own but would rather only respond to people talking to her. The exception to this were her children and sometimes, Saravanan.
“Where are we going? Why this hospital?” she asked.
“Don’t worry, we are seeing a new doctor. Our old doctor recommended we see him,” Saravanan said reassuringly.
“Actually, I don’t know why we should see a doctor, I’m alright.”
Talking to her soothingly they arrived at the reception. On asking for Dr. Arul they were directed to his treatment room on the 2nd floor of the Hospital. The receptionist for the doctor told them to wait as the doctor was currently with another patient. They were about 15 minutes early for their appointment. Saravanan could see that Meera was getting more and more nervous as she sat there waiting. Finally, a couple came out from the doctor’s room, having finished their consultation.
The nurse cum receptionist asked Saravanan and Meera to go in. Dr. Arul was a man who seemed to be in his mid to late forties. He had a kind face that would calm a patient talking to him. That was probably a plus point for the speciality he was in.
“Come in, Mr. Saravanan and Mrs. Meera,” he said greeting them warmly with a smile. “Dr. Ganesh (the specialist who treated Meera earlier) has briefed me about you. Please sit down.”
He then generally started asking some questions about their background, such as age, educational background, residence, profession etc. He had a soothing way of talking and Meera slowly started losing her panic. Dr. Arul then called in another nurse to take Meera to an attached room to this room. He asked her to take the measurement of Meera’s weight, height and pressure and to have Meera lie down in a bed for awhile while he spoke to Saravanan.
Once Meera had left reluctantly (she didn’t want to leave Saravanan’s side) with the nurse Dr. Arul turned his attention to Saravanan.
“Mr. Saravanan, can I just call you by name? I don’t want this to be too formal.”
“Sure doctor, no problem.”
“Good, good. Saravanan Dr. Ganesh told me about all the tests he had run through for your wife and his findings. Now I would really like you to tell me what problems or issues that has arisen leading to the situation now. I need to know everything.”
Dr. Arul could see the hesitation on Saravanan’s part. He well understood that. In his more than 20 years of experience in treating patients he knew how difficult it was for people to open up. He has practically seen it all and the hurt it causes the people to even talk about it again. It usually evokes painful memories. Matters like these were usually both very personal and sensitive. He had to be patient and he had to reassure the people who seek his help in resolving their issues.
“Saravanan, I know it is difficult for you to speak about what had happened but it is essential I know the situation clearly before I can help the both of you. I assure you that what you disclose here would strictly have doctor/patient confidentiality and it would not be revealed to anyone else, not even the nurses that work for me. They will only know the treatment/medicine I prescribe but no details of the patient’s history. That would strictly be in my personal confidential notes.”
Dr. Arul saw Saravanan relax a bit after he had spoken but he could still see Saravanan struggle to open up and disclose the matter. It must be a matter that was personally very embarrassing for him to reveal. He could guess what it could possibly be but he did not want to jump to conclusions and waited for Saravanan to talk.
“Saravanan, I can’t help if you don’t reveal what had caused a problem for your wife or for you for that matter.”
Saravanan took a deep breath. Apart from the brief moment when he had spoken to Prabu’s father when he (Prabu’s father) had stumbled upon Prabu having sex with his wife, he had not talked about this to any other person. He was aware it needed to be disclosed to Dr. Arul but by doing that it was going to reopen some very painful wounds. For the sake of his wife mental wellbeing he had no choice but to do so.
Doctor it all started about three and a half years ago. That was when my old childhood friend called Prabu came back to our hometown from the gulf.”
Dr. Arul began to understand where the problem started and what the problem was likely to be. In his many years of experience, when it involved problems between a couple it was usually because of the intervention of a third party into the relationship. Most of the cases would be because of another woman disturbing the harmony of the conjugal relationship but instances of the involvement of another man was not completely uncommon.
He listened as he heard how Prabu slowly wormed his way into the household. How he soon began to make the visits frequent and then making visits to his house without his knowledge. Saravanan also revealed how his own family had lost everything and that it was through his own will and hard work that he had become a successful businessman. How that task still consumed his time and his strong need to look after his business and cement that success.
“When did you suspect that there was more going on between them than met the eyes.”
That’s when Saravanan told about how the pink jasmine flowers had sparked his suspicion. Dr. Arul was not surprised. Even though cheating couple would go to great lengths to maintain their deception there would always be some unexpected thing that would give them away. In this case strangely it was pink jasmine. Saravanan also told about the day he found Prabu’s bank passbook in his home and that Prabu had returned from Chennai and had gone straight to his home without even telling him of his return.
“When did you confirm that there was a sexual affair going on between your childhood friend and your wife?”
Saravanan told him about the time before Prabu’s sister marriage, the other time in his house two days after the marriage and the third time in the old temple hall. Saravanan also told him how the affair ended then because of Prabu’s father. Dr. Arul wanted to know why he Saravanan had not confronted his wife or his friend to stop the affair. He listened carefully as Saravanan revealed his fears and also the love and type of relationship between him and his wife before Prabu’s unwanted intrusion into their lives.
“That was more than three years ago, tell me if any other thing happened after that,” probed Dr. Arul.
Saravanan then told him about the events of around eight months ago. How only after that his wife’s health seemed to be getting bad to worse. How she had lost weight and even her look had become haggard, her natural beauty now not so much evident.
That day after the time Dr. Arul spent with him he had a counselling session privately with Meera. He told Saravanan that his wife may be unable to open up and talk to him if Saravanan was also there. Meera was very uncomfortable to be alone with the doctor and sought the solace of the presence of Saravanan with them. Saravanan had to reassure her that he was there just outside the room in the reception area. After the session Dr. Arul again spoke to Saravanan privately.
Your wife has become deeply affected about what had happened in her life. I could hardly get her to talk but I expected this. There are ways we can slowly get the patient to open up but it will take time. I’m afraid this is not going to be easy.”
“What is wrong with her doctor. Can it be cured?”
“Well I need to have a few more counselling sessions before I can confidently come to definitive conclusion but I can more or less say she is suffering from MDD.”
“MDD? What’s that doctor?”
“MDD stands for Major Depressive Disorder or simply you can say depression.”
“Saravanan, people suffering from this usually have a few symptoms like low self-esteem, lack of interest in things, loss of appetite, mood swings etc.”
It struck a chord with Saravanan as he could recognize some of these in Meera.
“Can anything be done doctor, can you help her?”
“I will try. I will start her on some medicines straightaway. Tell me how is her sleep?”
Saravanan thought for a while. “Yes doctor I have seen her still awake if I happen to inadvertently wake up during the night.”
“I will start her on Alprazolam and on antidepressants serotonin. I will let you know on the dosage and frequency of administration of the medicines.”
What Dr. Arul did not tell Saravanan was in a small but significant percentage of patients it could lead to suicide. That was less than 10 % and there was no need to alarm Saravanan at this point.
“The best case scenario would be for me to see her once a week for counselling. I am afraid that would incur more cost to you not also mentioning the time. If finance is an issue we can keep it to 2 sessions a month.”
“No doctor, money is not important to me. I can afford it. My wife’s health is of paramount importance. Please make it weekly one session.”
The counselling began from the next week onwards. Progress was slow and tortuous. It was a couple of months before Meera slowly started talking and revealing her inner thoughts and struggles. When real progress seemed to be made Meera would relapse into depression and clamp up. It would again take a few sessions before she starts talking properly again. After about five months of this Dr. Arul called Saravanan to come and see him privately. It was to review Meera’s case and discuss further treatment.
“Come come sit down Saravanan,” Dr. Arul said as Saravanan walked into his consultation room.
“Good evening doctor. Tell me what is the progress in Meera’s case?”
“Quite a bit. I have at least come to understand the primary reasons for her depression and her mindset.”
Saravanan looked at Dr. Arul, eager to know if his wife was on the way to recovery.
“You know that your wife loves you very much. More so now after all that you have tolerated and gone through for her.”
“But she is still so withdrawn and doesn’t really talk to me except to answer I I ask something.”
“Saravanan, your wife thinks that she is unworthy of your love. Not only that she has no right to feel love for you as she is filled with so much of loathing for herself because of her betrayal.”
“She feels that only you have suffered because of Prabu and her actions. She feels very depressed and angry with herself that she still cannot show her love for you or share the marital bed with you.”
“I also suffer because of that isn’t it so doctor.”
“Yes, she is keenly aware of it and that is what that is making her despise herself. She actually feels she is, how to say it, hmm filth and the stench of that filth will latch on to you if she touches you. She just could not let that happen to you.”
Do you know Saravanan the mind is so powerful, she is punishing herself so much so it is reflecting in how her health is affected. She feels you deserve happiness with a good woman as your wife. A woman who is worthy to love you and be loved by you and that can only happen if she was to die. For her she deserves nothing more in her life”
“Oh, god no doctor,” Saravanan was aghast.
“Yes, Saravanan she is practically willing herself to death so that you could start a new happy life.”
“Could she not think if she left with Prabu I could have gone on to a new life with another woman.”
“If that had happened would not the whole world know of her betrayal to you. She could not bear to think of the humiliation it would cause you.”
“Is that the only reason she stopped the affair with Prabu?”
“No no … she hates herself for having that affair. Remember when I told you now that she feels strongly depressed because she feels only you are suffering for their actions when you have done nothing wrong. She feels you have been dealt a great injustice. She wants not only herself to be punished but is also deeply upset that Prabu seemed to have escaped scot free in spite of being the primary reason for the mess in your lives. She wants him to suffer too. Only than will there be justice for you in her mind.”
“What is the point in that. It won’t change anything doctor.”
“That’s exactly a cause for her depression. You had not sought to punish her or Prabu in anyway though both of them deserve it. Your kindness hurts more than any punishment could.”
“So what should I do?? Start beating her.”
Dr. Arul saw the depressive humour in that as a smile appeared on his face.
“That’s not in your nature,” Dr. Arul said kindly.
“Not everyone who deserves to suffer actually do and some who don’t deserve to suffer will. Life is not always just though our sense of justice will like it to be so. I have to make her realise that Prabu suffering or not does not really matter.”
Dr. Arul suddenly stopped and asked Saravanan, “Is she very religious?”
“Yes, I think so. Why doctor?”
“Maybe I will have reinforce the idea that even if we escape judgement now there is a higher being that would make everyone suffer the consequence for their sins. Prabu would face judgement one day for his deeds.”
Dr. Arul looked at Saravanan and said, “Don’t worry I am happy that we have made this much progress at least. Let’s try to win the battle.”
“Tell me Saravanan, what about you. How are you truly keeping.”
“Why doctor, I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me.”
Dr. Arul looked at him quizzically, “Really? Have you never felt anger, hate or anything else for either your wife or Prabu.”
Saravanan was uneasy at the doctor’s gaze. “Saravanan, it’s not wrong to feel those emotions. You are a human being made of bones flesh and blood. You don’t have always display a brave persona outside. Don’t bottle everything within yourself.”
Yes, he had moments of anger and hate for Prabu and even fleeting moments of anger at Meera but he always suppressed it. He had a stubborn nature that said he must always be strong as a rock and face any challenges life would throw at him.
“Saravanan, I am also concerned about you. Bottling everything up could have grave consequences when you least expect it too. Don’t think I’m trying to get more business,” the doctor laughed,” but I would like to have a few sessions with you.
Two days after this, Saravanan was at home watching TV. Meera sat a bit far from him also seemingly watching the TV but taking furtive glances at her husband. The children were away for tuition. There was a knock on the door. Saravanan turned and looked at the door. Before he could get up, Meera got up and went and opened the door. With a gasp she jerkily moved two three steps backward. Seeing this Saravanan got up and quickly walked to the door. He too was stunned. He now knew the reason for Meera’s reaction. Standing there was Prabu and Gomathi. Prabu was carrying their daughter who must be one plus years old by now.
Saravanan couldn’t make what of it. Why is Prabu here with his whole family. He had never expected to see him again. Maybe they could have passed each other by on the very rare instances when Prabu came back to town. He however never expected that Prabu would actually visit his house especially not after they had parted company the last time. Saravanan looked at Meera. After the initial shock she had quickly gone inside leaving him to greet the visitors.
“Come in, what a surprise seeing you here,” Saravanan genuinely meant it and was not saying this for formality’s sake.
Saravanan could see the uneasiness in Prabu’s face. Not just uneasiness but there seemed to be dejection too on his face. By seeing that Saravanan realised that it was probably not Prabu’s idea to pay them a visit. In all likelihood it would have been his wife Gomathi’s idea.
“Thank you, it’s good to see you again.”
It was Gomathi who said that with a cheerful smile on her face. Prabu’s smile was very diffident nothing like the confident or you could say even almost arrogant smile that was usually on his face. Gomathi walked in confidently followed by Prabu somewhat meekly. Even though Meera had walked in without even inviting them in, Gomathi walked straight up to her and took Meera’s hands in her hands.
“Akka (elder sister), how are you? What happened you don’t look well at all?”
Meera looked with anxiety at her husband. She did not know what to say. The last thing she wanted was Prabu to think that her health was affected because of her yearning caused by their separation. Saravanan came to her rescue.
“No, she has been having some gastric problem lately and has been unable to eat properly. She will be alright soon. We have seen the doctor and she is on proper medications.”
To change the topic Saravanan said,” Please come, sit down.” As he walked to the sofa.
He sat in a single sofa while Prabu sat beside him on the long sofa with Gomathi sitting on the other side of him. Gomathi had dragged Meera along with her and Meera had no choice but to sit on the other single sofa on the other side of the long sofa. Prabu had his daughter on his lap. Meera did not want to look at Prabu at all. In fact unlike the time when Prabu had come back after almost three years for his father’s funeral where she was yearning to see her lover, she had no desire whatsoever to see him this time. Also the fact they were sitting on the sofa where she had so often wronged her husband with Prabu was not only causing her to be uncomfortable but was also making her very unhappy.
“When did you come to town? Saravanan asked Prabu.
Prabu spoke very hesitantly as he answered him. “Mother spends most of her time in Pappu’s house as she doesn’t stay very far from here. She only comes back once in a while to clean the house.”
“Is that so? Sorry I didn’t keep in touch with mother.” Saravanan had from the time when Meera’s affair with Prabu had finally ended, had not kept any sort of connection with Prabu’s family. He did not know what was going on with them.
“Yes, but she is home now. This time we want her to come and stay with us in Chennai permanently but she doesn’t want to.”
“It’s good Prabu if you can look after your mother yourself. She is getting old and without your father she would feel lonely.”
Saravanan thought of Prabu’s father very fondly. He was a straightforward and honourable man. That’s why he could not ease his conscience at what his son had done. It finally led him to an early demise.
“That’s what I have been telling him too,” Gomathi now interjected in the conversation.
“I was willing but my mother didn’t want to come. What can I do,” Prabu lamented, defending his lack of effort.
“So, what’s the situation now?” Saravanan enquired.
“She finally agreed to come, at least for a few months and then we will see how she feels about staying there longer,” Prabu replied.
Three of the people there knew of the distressing emotional entanglement that happened because of the three-way relationship between them. It was causing great internal emotional upheaval but they bravely tried to have a normal civil conversation. Talking normally but at the same time hiding their emotions from showing was the difficult part. While the three of them were speaking Meera had her gaze on the floor.
“That’s good. So how long will you be here?” Saravanan asked.
“We are here for three days, we will only be going on the fourth day,” this time it was Gomathi who replied.
“Look at this, I’m talking to you without offering any refreshment. Would coffee be okay. Meera can you make coffee for all of us,” Saravanan said.
Meera’s face jerked up in surprise as she looked at her husband. She wanted them out of the house as soon as possible but her husband was offering coffee to them. She knew off course that offering visitors some beverage was the right thing and customary thing to do but she just could not stand the thought of Prabu being in this house.
It was so different from how it was those few years before. Then she had looked forward to having Prabu come and visit her. Almost all the time such visits would very quickly turn to romantic and lustful sexual encounters between them. Even when those visits were on the days of her monthly periods it was not bereft of sexual pleasure. She would please him with her hands or her mouth. Now however even sitting here was making her feel very distressed because they were sitting in the same sofa that she and Prabu had mated on. This was not causing pleasant memories like before but rather painful ones reminding her of her shameful behaviour.
Having to go and make them coffee itself was very unpleasant for her. That’s because it was by asking her for coffee was the way Prabu first started insinuated himself into her consciousness. Yet she now had to act the gracious host till the nightmare of their sudden unexpected visit ended. Meera slowly got up without saying a word and started walking to the kitchen. She could feel someone’s gaze on the back of her body as she walked from the hall into the kitchen via their dining hall. She just hoped it was not Prabu who was gazing at her as it gave her a creepy feeling quite the opposite to her feelings before.
Meera could hear the conversation between the three of them as she walked. The words were coming faintly to her ears. Though the words were little audible she could not make out what was being said in the conversation. As she stood in front of the stove she started taking in a few deep breaths. She needed to calm herself down. She slowly gathered her thoughts on her feelings. As she slowly became a little calmer and her thoughts a little clearer she had a great feeling of relieve. Though she had categorically decided that her affair with Prabu must end and suffered tremendous anguish for the pain she had caused her husband, she really did not know what her deeply hidden inner feelings would be if she were to ever meet Prabu again. Did she truly want nothing to do with Prabu again or she had just suppressed her true feelings because she thought that was the right thing to do.
That test would only come if she ever were to see Prabu again she thought. She also believed that, that was never going to happen till today. Now that it had unexpectedly happened she had got her answers. There were no feelings of excitement, no feelings of longing, no feelings of passion. Nothing whatsoever. No feelings of hate either. This was important, love and hate sometimes can be so closely intertwined in relationships such as this that love turns to hate and hate to love easily. Now however she felt nothing. He just did not mean anything to her at all. She truly could not be bothered about where he goes, what he does or what happens to him. Her only concern is the happiness of her husband who is going through all the difficulties for the sake of her wellbeing.
As she put a kettle of water on the stove, she felt someone walking into the kitchen. She turned to see it was her husband. She knew Prabu would not dare come in there but she was in no mood to carry on a conversation with Gomathi either. Saravanan walked up to her, concern etched on his face.
“Meera are you okay? How are you coping. You want me to help you to make the coffee?”
She looked at him her eyes softening. Oh, how she wished she could just hug him to her now and bury her head on his chest and cry. Yet she could not do that. She knew how unworthy she was to do that.
“It’s okay, go talk to them. I’ll make the coffee and come soon.”
“Are you sure Meera. Tell me if you need me to do anything,” Saravanan said his face still anxious.
Meera gave him a small trembling smile. The first smile for him that he had seen on her face for a very long time. It also made Saravanan very happy.
“No, I’ll manage. You please go. They are there all alone .. but I don’t understand why they came for a visit all of a sudden,” Meera voiced out what they both were thinking.
“I have the same question in my mind,” Saravanan said.
“Meera,” he softly called out.
He saw her body stiffen on hearing his voice. She did not move and seemed to be frozen in time.
“Meera,” he called out again.
Again, it took a few minutes before she slowly turned and looked at his face. In space of this half an hour her face had undergone such a dramatic change. Gone was bright beautiful face. Instead her eyes seemed to be hollow pool without ant light in them. Her face swollen from her tears. Even her facial muscles seem to have lost their firmness. When she saw his face, she finally lost all the will within her. She had made a tremendous effort to keep control of herself when Prabu was here but now all her emotion burst out unmanageable by the sorrow that was consuming her from within.
She shrieked out, her body shuddering uncontrollably as she wailed not being able to see the loving man to whom she had caused so much of heartache and pain. Even now when he had looked at her face there was no hint of anger or admonishment in those eyes. Only kindness and concern for her in spite of her dreadful and shameful behaviour. She had violated all the sacred trust that had united them in marriage all these years and she had done it willingly as lust had overwhelmed all the values with which she had been brought up.
“Why…why…why….she kept shaking her head violently as she cried.
Saravanan went close to her wanting to place a consoling hand on her. She aggressively jerked away from him in horror before he could touch her. When she saw the hurt in her husband’s eyes when she did that she was consumed with grief. He must have thought that she did not even want him to touch her anymore. He was right in that but for not the reason he must be thinking.
“No…no.. you must not touch me. Your fingers should never have to touch this unclean body again,” she sobbed as she looked at him pleadingly.
“Don’t say that Meera….” Saravanan started to say but she cut him off.
“No.. no…,” she pleaded, my filthy stench would stick to you. I don’t deserve any kindness from you. It’s causing a searing pain in my heart every time I think how deeply I had hurt you.
She was again taken up by a paroxysm of sobbing that shook her whole body. It took her awhile to recover from it.
Saravanan sat beside her careful not to touch her. She was at the movement very grief stricken and there must be intense self hate within her. He needed to be very patient for her at the moment.
“It’s okay Meera, calm yourself. We cannot change the past. Nothing to be gained by it. Let’s see what is to be done going forward,” he spoke gently.
She looked up at him, her face deeply lined with sorrow. “How did you bear all this humiliation. I don’t want to live anymore .. if you had beaten me to death I would have gladly died in your hands.”
“No Meera, maybe I too didn’t take care of you properly, I am not completely blameless.”
“No.. no.. ,” Meera shrieked, “ never .. don’t ever say. It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve a good man like you… don’t ever blame yourself, I can’t stand to hear that.”
There was silence for a while. She continued sobbing and Saravanan was patient letting her get to some semblance of self-control.
Meera started talking sombrely, “Why did you never say a word .. you had never shown anger or hate .. after all that I did… why??”
Saravanan didn’t know what to say, he too didn’t know how he was able to bear the strain her illicit relationship caused in his life.
He let her ramble on in her sorrow and gently tried to soothe her but she was filled with so much of self-loathing that she kept berating herself and crying all the while. Finally after almost an hour she started talking about the future.
“You are right .. I can’t be your wife anymore..”
Saravanan looked up at her face, alarmed. Seeing that she quickly continued talking. She did not want him to think of her being a woman of such hideous morals that she wanted to live a life as Prabu’s mistress.
“I don’t deserve to be your wife.. I don’t deserve any happiness in my life for the humiliation and pain I had caused you.”
She looked at Saravanan’s face sincerely and continued, ”Prabu would never come here again nor will I ever meet him again. My life is finished. I am dead inside and this is just a shell existing.”
“No Meera, If you can let go of the past, you need not live like this. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“Ha,” she laughed sardonically. There was bitter contempt for herself in it. “I had my second chance when Prabu’s father banished him from here .. I didn’t use that. I was a self absorbed evil bitch, not appreciating the gem I already had.”
“I want to grovel at your feet asking for forgiveness, but only someone who deserves forgiveness can do that. All I seek is death to take me soon.”
Saravanan was now truly alarmed. “Meera, don’t do anything foolish.”
Meera could hear the concern in his voice and that caused another pang of pain in her heart. If he had kicked her, beaten her up she would have had some solace from that, but his kindness and love was causing her far more pain than any violence against her. How could she have been so blind to what she had. She lost everything for some fleeting moments of bodily pleasure.
She wanted to speak loving words of reassurance to her husband but she felt she had lost all the right to do that and was not worthy to even be a woman much less the wife of such a honourable man.
“You suffered all the humiliation because of this. I won’t kill myself .. I will never do anything that would bring dishonour to you till the last breath is in my body.”
Saravanan was relieved to hear that.
“You are right in that the only position I deserve in your life is that of a servant to you. I will pass the rest of my life only in that position and that is the only position I deserve.”
Saravanan spoke to her for the next hour trying to dissuade her of her decision but she was very firm in not budging from her decision.
So began the next phase of their lives. Prabu and his family soon left town and were very, very infrequent visitors to their own home. Meera truly began her life as his servant. She would sleep on the floor in their room and no matter what Saravanan said would not come and sleep on the bed. If he tried to persuade her a lot of tears would start flowing from her cheeks and so Saravanan gave up though it distressed him to see her do this.
She continued to be a loving mother to her children taking care of them as much as she could. Only with her kids would a smile appear once in a while on her face. Saravanan could see the care she had for him too. If he was a little unwell he could see her anxiety. She longed to soothe him and take care of him but she would restrain herself and take care of him like a nurse would. She felt she had no right to be loving to him.
She maintained the outward appearance of a happy family for the sake of Saravanan’s reputation. Even when going to the weekly temple visit, she would let her son or daughter sit in the front with her husband. As a servant she felt she had no right to sit in front with her husband. What hurt her most is that in wanting to punish herself she was also hurting the man she most wanted to have all the happiness in his life. She could not provide the pleasures in bed a wife should give to her husband. She didn’t want a pure hearted man to be sullied by touching a slut like her. For her great sin because of sex she had forsaken any desire for sexual pleasure in her life. Her husband was also being denied that because of it and that hurt her. She wished he would take a second wife or even a mistress who would give him all the happiness he deserved. He was not that type of a man was the reason for her continued sorrow.
The continued mental anguish she was going through was reflected in the changes taking place in her. She was losing weight and started looking haggard. Saravanan was concerned as her health seemed to be getting worse slowly. It was now six months passed that day when everything had come out in the open. Why is her health getting like this, Saravanan wondered. He thought she was not eating properly anymore and despite her protest he made sure she ate with them to make sure she took proper meals. She had been eating after the family members had done so, as a servant should.
However still her health seemed to be getting worse. Saravanan was worried she was suffering some illness. He forced her to come with him and took her to a big hospital in a city closest to their town. A thorough medical examination found nothing wrong with her medically. She was prescribed some vitamins and sent home. After a month her health didn’t seem to have any improvement. Saravanan again took her to the hospital and saw the same specialist. The specialist again did all the tests and some additional ones. The doctor told Meera to rest in bed in a room and called Saravanan aside.
“Doctor, tell me, what’s wrong with her?”
“Mr. Saravanan, I have done all the tests but we can’t find anything wrong.”
The doctor paused for a moment and said,” Sorry sir, but I even examined her to see if she had suffered any physical abuse. There was no signs of any old injuries.”
“What doctor.. you thought I was a wife beater..????”
“Don’t get upset sir, we have to look out for all possibilities. Now don’t get angry but I asked her separately if you are giving her any mental torture.”
Seeing Saravanan being upset at how he had questioned his wife the doctor quickly continued, “ I had to think that because your wife is always very quiet. She hardly speaks a word but when I asked that of her I saw some sort of emotion from her for the first time.”
“What emotion??” asked Saravanan.
“She was angry that I dare think something like that about you.”
Despite himself a small smile appeared in Saravanan’s face.
The doctor continued,” Mr. Saravanan, something has occurred that is causing all this. There seems to be nothing physical wrong with her. I suspect she is suffering something mentally.”
Seeing Saravanan suddenly becoming silent the doctor knew he was on the right track.
“I don’t want to know what it is because I am not trained to help even if I knew. It must be surely something very personal. I think she needs help from a mental health specialist.”
what?? You think my wife is going mad??”
“No, no sir, many people make that mistake. All of us under go mental stress and even may have some mental issues which we are normally able to overcome. The mind can both be fragile and strong. Some people can be overcome by their troubles and it’s not as infrequent as you think.”
Saravanan was pondering on what the doctor was saying. He knew the stress Meera was in. She was always morose and seemed to be lost. Only when the kids or he was around there was some sort of spark within her even though that too was not much. He had even wrongly thinking mistakenly had asked her if she missed Prabu. It was as if he had slapped her. Her haunting look of pain had made him immediately regret what he had asked.
“I would rather die before, but how can I blame you for thinking that. I had behaved in such a cheap and dreadful manner before,” Meera said before bursting into tears.
It took a few days before she could recover from the pain caused by his words. Their life has not changed for the better after as he had expected after the Meera’s affair with Prabu had ended permanently. What else did he have to lose.
“What should I do doctor?”
“I have a colleague who is very good in treating people with problems like these. I will make an appointment with him for you. When next week would be okay for you?”
Saravanan left for home driving his car, deep in his thoughts. Meera sat beside him (Saravanan insisted on it) quietly without saying a word. It was getting dark as late evening had set in.
The following week Saravanan took Meera for an appointment with Dr. Arul Prabakaran, the Psychiatric specialist recommended by the Doctor who was treating Meera. Meera became panicked when she saw that they were going to a different hospital than the one she had gone to before.
The panic caused her to speak as she was often withdrawn and did not speak out on her own but would rather only respond to people talking to her. The exception to this were her children and sometimes, Saravanan.
“Where are we going? Why this hospital?” she asked.
“Don’t worry, we are seeing a new doctor. Our old doctor recommended we see him,” Saravanan said reassuringly.
“Actually, I don’t know why we should see a doctor, I’m alright.”
Talking to her soothingly they arrived at the reception. On asking for Dr. Arul they were directed to his treatment room on the 2nd floor of the Hospital. The receptionist for the doctor told them to wait as the doctor was currently with another patient. They were about 15 minutes early for their appointment. Saravanan could see that Meera was getting more and more nervous as she sat there waiting. Finally, a couple came out from the doctor’s room, having finished their consultation.
The nurse cum receptionist asked Saravanan and Meera to go in. Dr. Arul was a man who seemed to be in his mid to late forties. He had a kind face that would calm a patient talking to him. That was probably a plus point for the speciality he was in.
“Come in, Mr. Saravanan and Mrs. Meera,” he said greeting them warmly with a smile. “Dr. Ganesh (the specialist who treated Meera earlier) has briefed me about you. Please sit down.”
He then generally started asking some questions about their background, such as age, educational background, residence, profession etc. He had a soothing way of talking and Meera slowly started losing her panic. Dr. Arul then called in another nurse to take Meera to an attached room to this room. He asked her to take the measurement of Meera’s weight, height and pressure and to have Meera lie down in a bed for awhile while he spoke to Saravanan.
Once Meera had left reluctantly (she didn’t want to leave Saravanan’s side) with the nurse Dr. Arul turned his attention to Saravanan.
“Mr. Saravanan, can I just call you by name? I don’t want this to be too formal.”
“Sure doctor, no problem.”
“Good, good. Saravanan Dr. Ganesh told me about all the tests he had run through for your wife and his findings. Now I would really like you to tell me what problems or issues that has arisen leading to the situation now. I need to know everything.”
Dr. Arul could see the hesitation on Saravanan’s part. He well understood that. In his more than 20 years of experience in treating patients he knew how difficult it was for people to open up. He has practically seen it all and the hurt it causes the people to even talk about it again. It usually evokes painful memories. Matters like these were usually both very personal and sensitive. He had to be patient and he had to reassure the people who seek his help in resolving their issues.
“Saravanan, I know it is difficult for you to speak about what had happened but it is essential I know the situation clearly before I can help the both of you. I assure you that what you disclose here would strictly have doctor/patient confidentiality and it would not be revealed to anyone else, not even the nurses that work for me. They will only know the treatment/medicine I prescribe but no details of the patient’s history. That would strictly be in my personal confidential notes.”
Dr. Arul saw Saravanan relax a bit after he had spoken but he could still see Saravanan struggle to open up and disclose the matter. It must be a matter that was personally very embarrassing for him to reveal. He could guess what it could possibly be but he did not want to jump to conclusions and waited for Saravanan to talk.
“Saravanan, I can’t help if you don’t reveal what had caused a problem for your wife or for you for that matter.”
Saravanan took a deep breath. Apart from the brief moment when he had spoken to Prabu’s father when he (Prabu’s father) had stumbled upon Prabu having sex with his wife, he had not talked about this to any other person. He was aware it needed to be disclosed to Dr. Arul but by doing that it was going to reopen some very painful wounds. For the sake of his wife mental wellbeing he had no choice but to do so.
Doctor it all started about three and a half years ago. That was when my old childhood friend called Prabu came back to our hometown from the gulf.”
Dr. Arul began to understand where the problem started and what the problem was likely to be. In his many years of experience, when it involved problems between a couple it was usually because of the intervention of a third party into the relationship. Most of the cases would be because of another woman disturbing the harmony of the conjugal relationship but instances of the involvement of another man was not completely uncommon.
He listened as he heard how Prabu slowly wormed his way into the household. How he soon began to make the visits frequent and then making visits to his house without his knowledge. Saravanan also revealed how his own family had lost everything and that it was through his own will and hard work that he had become a successful businessman. How that task still consumed his time and his strong need to look after his business and cement that success.
“When did you suspect that there was more going on between them than met the eyes.”
That’s when Saravanan told about how the pink jasmine flowers had sparked his suspicion. Dr. Arul was not surprised. Even though cheating couple would go to great lengths to maintain their deception there would always be some unexpected thing that would give them away. In this case strangely it was pink jasmine. Saravanan also told about the day he found Prabu’s bank passbook in his home and that Prabu had returned from Chennai and had gone straight to his home without even telling him of his return.
“When did you confirm that there was a sexual affair going on between your childhood friend and your wife?”
Saravanan told him about the time before Prabu’s sister marriage, the other time in his house two days after the marriage and the third time in the old temple hall. Saravanan also told him how the affair ended then because of Prabu’s father. Dr. Arul wanted to know why he Saravanan had not confronted his wife or his friend to stop the affair. He listened carefully as Saravanan revealed his fears and also the love and type of relationship between him and his wife before Prabu’s unwanted intrusion into their lives.
“That was more than three years ago, tell me if any other thing happened after that,” probed Dr. Arul.
Saravanan then told him about the events of around eight months ago. How only after that his wife’s health seemed to be getting bad to worse. How she had lost weight and even her look had become haggard, her natural beauty now not so much evident.
That day after the time Dr. Arul spent with him he had a counselling session privately with Meera. He told Saravanan that his wife may be unable to open up and talk to him if Saravanan was also there. Meera was very uncomfortable to be alone with the doctor and sought the solace of the presence of Saravanan with them. Saravanan had to reassure her that he was there just outside the room in the reception area. After the session Dr. Arul again spoke to Saravanan privately.
Your wife has become deeply affected about what had happened in her life. I could hardly get her to talk but I expected this. There are ways we can slowly get the patient to open up but it will take time. I’m afraid this is not going to be easy.”
“What is wrong with her doctor. Can it be cured?”
“Well I need to have a few more counselling sessions before I can confidently come to definitive conclusion but I can more or less say she is suffering from MDD.”
“MDD? What’s that doctor?”
“MDD stands for Major Depressive Disorder or simply you can say depression.”
“Saravanan, people suffering from this usually have a few symptoms like low self-esteem, lack of interest in things, loss of appetite, mood swings etc.”
It struck a chord with Saravanan as he could recognize some of these in Meera.
“Can anything be done doctor, can you help her?”
“I will try. I will start her on some medicines straightaway. Tell me how is her sleep?”
Saravanan thought for a while. “Yes doctor I have seen her still awake if I happen to inadvertently wake up during the night.”
“I will start her on Alprazolam and on antidepressants serotonin. I will let you know on the dosage and frequency of administration of the medicines.”
What Dr. Arul did not tell Saravanan was in a small but significant percentage of patients it could lead to suicide. That was less than 10 % and there was no need to alarm Saravanan at this point.
“The best case scenario would be for me to see her once a week for counselling. I am afraid that would incur more cost to you not also mentioning the time. If finance is an issue we can keep it to 2 sessions a month.”
“No doctor, money is not important to me. I can afford it. My wife’s health is of paramount importance. Please make it weekly one session.”
The counselling began from the next week onwards. Progress was slow and tortuous. It was a couple of months before Meera slowly started talking and revealing her inner thoughts and struggles. When real progress seemed to be made Meera would relapse into depression and clamp up. It would again take a few sessions before she starts talking properly again. After about five months of this Dr. Arul called Saravanan to come and see him privately. It was to review Meera’s case and discuss further treatment.
“Come come sit down Saravanan,” Dr. Arul said as Saravanan walked into his consultation room.
“Good evening doctor. Tell me what is the progress in Meera’s case?”
“Quite a bit. I have at least come to understand the primary reasons for her depression and her mindset.”
Saravanan looked at Dr. Arul, eager to know if his wife was on the way to recovery.
“You know that your wife loves you very much. More so now after all that you have tolerated and gone through for her.”
“But she is still so withdrawn and doesn’t really talk to me except to answer I I ask something.”
“Saravanan, your wife thinks that she is unworthy of your love. Not only that she has no right to feel love for you as she is filled with so much of loathing for herself because of her betrayal.”
“She feels that only you have suffered because of Prabu and her actions. She feels very depressed and angry with herself that she still cannot show her love for you or share the marital bed with you.”
“I also suffer because of that isn’t it so doctor.”
“Yes, she is keenly aware of it and that is what that is making her despise herself. She actually feels she is, how to say it, hmm filth and the stench of that filth will latch on to you if she touches you. She just could not let that happen to you.”
Do you know Saravanan the mind is so powerful, she is punishing herself so much so it is reflecting in how her health is affected. She feels you deserve happiness with a good woman as your wife. A woman who is worthy to love you and be loved by you and that can only happen if she was to die. For her she deserves nothing more in her life”
“Oh, god no doctor,” Saravanan was aghast.
“Yes, Saravanan she is practically willing herself to death so that you could start a new happy life.”
“Could she not think if she left with Prabu I could have gone on to a new life with another woman.”
“If that had happened would not the whole world know of her betrayal to you. She could not bear to think of the humiliation it would cause you.”
“Is that the only reason she stopped the affair with Prabu?”
“No no … she hates herself for having that affair. Remember when I told you now that she feels strongly depressed because she feels only you are suffering for their actions when you have done nothing wrong. She feels you have been dealt a great injustice. She wants not only herself to be punished but is also deeply upset that Prabu seemed to have escaped scot free in spite of being the primary reason for the mess in your lives. She wants him to suffer too. Only than will there be justice for you in her mind.”
“What is the point in that. It won’t change anything doctor.”
“That’s exactly a cause for her depression. You had not sought to punish her or Prabu in anyway though both of them deserve it. Your kindness hurts more than any punishment could.”
“So what should I do?? Start beating her.”
Dr. Arul saw the depressive humour in that as a smile appeared on his face.
“That’s not in your nature,” Dr. Arul said kindly.
“Not everyone who deserves to suffer actually do and some who don’t deserve to suffer will. Life is not always just though our sense of justice will like it to be so. I have to make her realise that Prabu suffering or not does not really matter.”
Dr. Arul suddenly stopped and asked Saravanan, “Is she very religious?”
“Yes, I think so. Why doctor?”
“Maybe I will have reinforce the idea that even if we escape judgement now there is a higher being that would make everyone suffer the consequence for their sins. Prabu would face judgement one day for his deeds.”
Dr. Arul looked at Saravanan and said, “Don’t worry I am happy that we have made this much progress at least. Let’s try to win the battle.”
“Tell me Saravanan, what about you. How are you truly keeping.”
“Why doctor, I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me.”
Dr. Arul looked at him quizzically, “Really? Have you never felt anger, hate or anything else for either your wife or Prabu.”
Saravanan was uneasy at the doctor’s gaze. “Saravanan, it’s not wrong to feel those emotions. You are a human being made of bones flesh and blood. You don’t have always display a brave persona outside. Don’t bottle everything within yourself.”
Yes, he had moments of anger and hate for Prabu and even fleeting moments of anger at Meera but he always suppressed it. He had a stubborn nature that said he must always be strong as a rock and face any challenges life would throw at him.
“Saravanan, I am also concerned about you. Bottling everything up could have grave consequences when you least expect it too. Don’t think I’m trying to get more business,” the doctor laughed,” but I would like to have a few sessions with you.
Two days after this, Saravanan was at home watching TV. Meera sat a bit far from him also seemingly watching the TV but taking furtive glances at her husband. The children were away for tuition. There was a knock on the door. Saravanan turned and looked at the door. Before he could get up, Meera got up and went and opened the door. With a gasp she jerkily moved two three steps backward. Seeing this Saravanan got up and quickly walked to the door. He too was stunned. He now knew the reason for Meera’s reaction. Standing there was Prabu and Gomathi. Prabu was carrying their daughter who must be one plus years old by now.
Saravanan couldn’t make what of it. Why is Prabu here with his whole family. He had never expected to see him again. Maybe they could have passed each other by on the very rare instances when Prabu came back to town. He however never expected that Prabu would actually visit his house especially not after they had parted company the last time. Saravanan looked at Meera. After the initial shock she had quickly gone inside leaving him to greet the visitors.
“Come in, what a surprise seeing you here,” Saravanan genuinely meant it and was not saying this for formality’s sake.
Saravanan could see the uneasiness in Prabu’s face. Not just uneasiness but there seemed to be dejection too on his face. By seeing that Saravanan realised that it was probably not Prabu’s idea to pay them a visit. In all likelihood it would have been his wife Gomathi’s idea.
“Thank you, it’s good to see you again.”
It was Gomathi who said that with a cheerful smile on her face. Prabu’s smile was very diffident nothing like the confident or you could say even almost arrogant smile that was usually on his face. Gomathi walked in confidently followed by Prabu somewhat meekly. Even though Meera had walked in without even inviting them in, Gomathi walked straight up to her and took Meera’s hands in her hands.
“Akka (elder sister), how are you? What happened you don’t look well at all?”
Meera looked with anxiety at her husband. She did not know what to say. The last thing she wanted was Prabu to think that her health was affected because of her yearning caused by their separation. Saravanan came to her rescue.
“No, she has been having some gastric problem lately and has been unable to eat properly. She will be alright soon. We have seen the doctor and she is on proper medications.”
To change the topic Saravanan said,” Please come, sit down.” As he walked to the sofa.
He sat in a single sofa while Prabu sat beside him on the long sofa with Gomathi sitting on the other side of him. Gomathi had dragged Meera along with her and Meera had no choice but to sit on the other single sofa on the other side of the long sofa. Prabu had his daughter on his lap. Meera did not want to look at Prabu at all. In fact unlike the time when Prabu had come back after almost three years for his father’s funeral where she was yearning to see her lover, she had no desire whatsoever to see him this time. Also the fact they were sitting on the sofa where she had so often wronged her husband with Prabu was not only causing her to be uncomfortable but was also making her very unhappy.
“When did you come to town? Saravanan asked Prabu.
Prabu spoke very hesitantly as he answered him. “Mother spends most of her time in Pappu’s house as she doesn’t stay very far from here. She only comes back once in a while to clean the house.”
“Is that so? Sorry I didn’t keep in touch with mother.” Saravanan had from the time when Meera’s affair with Prabu had finally ended, had not kept any sort of connection with Prabu’s family. He did not know what was going on with them.
“Yes, but she is home now. This time we want her to come and stay with us in Chennai permanently but she doesn’t want to.”
“It’s good Prabu if you can look after your mother yourself. She is getting old and without your father she would feel lonely.”
Saravanan thought of Prabu’s father very fondly. He was a straightforward and honourable man. That’s why he could not ease his conscience at what his son had done. It finally led him to an early demise.
“That’s what I have been telling him too,” Gomathi now interjected in the conversation.
“I was willing but my mother didn’t want to come. What can I do,” Prabu lamented, defending his lack of effort.
“So, what’s the situation now?” Saravanan enquired.
“She finally agreed to come, at least for a few months and then we will see how she feels about staying there longer,” Prabu replied.
Three of the people there knew of the distressing emotional entanglement that happened because of the three-way relationship between them. It was causing great internal emotional upheaval but they bravely tried to have a normal civil conversation. Talking normally but at the same time hiding their emotions from showing was the difficult part. While the three of them were speaking Meera had her gaze on the floor.
“That’s good. So how long will you be here?” Saravanan asked.
“We are here for three days, we will only be going on the fourth day,” this time it was Gomathi who replied.
“Look at this, I’m talking to you without offering any refreshment. Would coffee be okay. Meera can you make coffee for all of us,” Saravanan said.
Meera’s face jerked up in surprise as she looked at her husband. She wanted them out of the house as soon as possible but her husband was offering coffee to them. She knew off course that offering visitors some beverage was the right thing and customary thing to do but she just could not stand the thought of Prabu being in this house.
It was so different from how it was those few years before. Then she had looked forward to having Prabu come and visit her. Almost all the time such visits would very quickly turn to romantic and lustful sexual encounters between them. Even when those visits were on the days of her monthly periods it was not bereft of sexual pleasure. She would please him with her hands or her mouth. Now however even sitting here was making her feel very distressed because they were sitting in the same sofa that she and Prabu had mated on. This was not causing pleasant memories like before but rather painful ones reminding her of her shameful behaviour.
Having to go and make them coffee itself was very unpleasant for her. That’s because it was by asking her for coffee was the way Prabu first started insinuated himself into her consciousness. Yet she now had to act the gracious host till the nightmare of their sudden unexpected visit ended. Meera slowly got up without saying a word and started walking to the kitchen. She could feel someone’s gaze on the back of her body as she walked from the hall into the kitchen via their dining hall. She just hoped it was not Prabu who was gazing at her as it gave her a creepy feeling quite the opposite to her feelings before.
Meera could hear the conversation between the three of them as she walked. The words were coming faintly to her ears. Though the words were little audible she could not make out what was being said in the conversation. As she stood in front of the stove she started taking in a few deep breaths. She needed to calm herself down. She slowly gathered her thoughts on her feelings. As she slowly became a little calmer and her thoughts a little clearer she had a great feeling of relieve. Though she had categorically decided that her affair with Prabu must end and suffered tremendous anguish for the pain she had caused her husband, she really did not know what her deeply hidden inner feelings would be if she were to ever meet Prabu again. Did she truly want nothing to do with Prabu again or she had just suppressed her true feelings because she thought that was the right thing to do.
That test would only come if she ever were to see Prabu again she thought. She also believed that, that was never going to happen till today. Now that it had unexpectedly happened she had got her answers. There were no feelings of excitement, no feelings of longing, no feelings of passion. Nothing whatsoever. No feelings of hate either. This was important, love and hate sometimes can be so closely intertwined in relationships such as this that love turns to hate and hate to love easily. Now however she felt nothing. He just did not mean anything to her at all. She truly could not be bothered about where he goes, what he does or what happens to him. Her only concern is the happiness of her husband who is going through all the difficulties for the sake of her wellbeing.
As she put a kettle of water on the stove, she felt someone walking into the kitchen. She turned to see it was her husband. She knew Prabu would not dare come in there but she was in no mood to carry on a conversation with Gomathi either. Saravanan walked up to her, concern etched on his face.
“Meera are you okay? How are you coping. You want me to help you to make the coffee?”
She looked at him her eyes softening. Oh, how she wished she could just hug him to her now and bury her head on his chest and cry. Yet she could not do that. She knew how unworthy she was to do that.
“It’s okay, go talk to them. I’ll make the coffee and come soon.”
“Are you sure Meera. Tell me if you need me to do anything,” Saravanan said his face still anxious.
Meera gave him a small trembling smile. The first smile for him that he had seen on her face for a very long time. It also made Saravanan very happy.
“No, I’ll manage. You please go. They are there all alone .. but I don’t understand why they came for a visit all of a sudden,” Meera voiced out what they both were thinking.
“I have the same question in my mind,” Saravanan said.
