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Hum dono baithe hote to main jaan bujh kar apne ghutne ko uske ghutne se takra deta….mujhe to asim anand ki anubhuti hoti hi thi sath me sadhna ki ankho me chhaya nasha bhi gahra jata.
Kabhi kabhi anand ki atirekta vah na sahan kar pati to ankhe band kar leti thi, kintu phir tatkal vah chounk kar ankhe kholti to uske chehre par bhay dol jata….use bhaybheet dekh kar main bhi saham uthta aur sadhna ko phir se sparsh karne ki himmat na padti.
Hum dono jaldi se door hat jate aur uttejana ki dor pakde adhar me latke vyast ho jane ka dhong karte….thodi der baad bhay tanik halka padta aur hum phir se ek dusre ko sparsh kar anand uthane ki firaq me lag jate.
Ab aage……
Hamare dil pakde jane ki ashanka se darr rahe hote the….kintu hamari ashanka nirmul thi kyon ki hamari umra abhi uss shikhar tak nahi pahuchi thi jaha pahuchne par samaz ke shaq ka dayra kasta hai.
March ke uss mahakte mousam me hum nadi me utar jate aur ek dusre par pani uchhalte huye tairne ka anand lene lagte.. phir hum karib aate aur kamar se niche pani me doobe sharir ko tairne ke bahane ek dusre se jaan bujh kar takra dete… aah, kitna anand aata tha…aaj bhi main unn palo me dubta hu to sharir me anand ki lahre doudne lagti hain.
Aaj…aaj agar sadhna mere samne aaye to shayad hi use pahchan saku….kyon ki tab ki kishori sadhna ab moti moti jaangho, choude chutad aur badi chuchiyo wali nari ka roop dharan kar chuki hogi…unn komal anubhutiyo aur sparsho ke pashchat, sharir me uthne wali anand purn lahro se sharir abhi bhi parichit hai…unn palo ka smaran hote hi main itna sanvedanshil ho jata hu ki hawa ke jhonke bhi mujhe bhitar tak sihrate chale jate hain….aisa lagta hai ki march ki mohak gandh ke sath sath sadhna bhi meri saanso me pravesh kar ke mere rag rag me phailti chali gayi ho.
Kafi dino tak main aur sadhna ek dusre ke sparsh ko lalayit rahte the….aur ek dusre ke ird gird chakrate rahe the …kintu baat isse aage nahi badh saki thi.
Waqt gujarta raha…akhir me ek din maine hich kichate huye sadhna ke samne ek prastav rakha ki vah raat hone ke baad ghumne ke bahane bahar ke bagiche me aaye.
Meri baat sunne ke baad sadhna ne chounk kar ek ajib si nazar se mujhe dekha....mere dil ki dhadkane anayas hi badh gayi... main sadhna ke bolne ki pratiksha karne laga.
Sadhna kuch nahi boli lekin usne apna sir haa ki sahmati me jarur hila diya…aur mera mann mor ki tarah nachne laga.. mujhe aisa mahsoos hua jaise ki mere pankh ug aaye ho.
Bagh ki ghani belo ki ghani chhanv ke niche ek patthar ki bench aur kanth me dhadak rahe dil ki dhadkan ko sunta bench par baitha raha….
Kisi bhi ladki ko samay dekar usse ekant me milne ka ye mera pahla avsar tha….isliye main jara jara si aahat par bhi chihuk padta tha…sahsa uttapann huyi patto ki sarsarahat bhi mujhe chounka deti thi….uss samay main sadhna ke makan ki taraf dekh raha tha jab mujhe piche se kisi ki awaz sunayi padi…
“Kya dekh rahe ho….?”
Maine piche mud kar dekha to mere samne sadhna andhere ka prati bimb bani ek dhundhli si aakriti ke roop me mujhse chand kadam door khadi thi.
Raj—tumh….tumhe yaha aate huye kisi ne dekha to nahi….?
Sadhna (fusfusate huye)—nahi…..mummy, papa TV dekh rahe hain…
Raj—ohhhh
Sadhna mere karib sarak aayi…itni ki main uske dil ki dhadkane clear sunn raha tha…..main kampte kadmo se aage badha.. pedo ki chhav tale chhaya bana andhera hame sankoch viheen hone par badhya kar raha tha.
Kewal ek kadam aur aage sarakne ke baad maine sadhna ko pa liya…..usko apni baho me lene ke baad maine mahsooskiya ki usne top ke andar kuch bhi nahi pahna rakha hai.
Jis prakar sitaro ke piche aas maan ki nagnata neele roop me thithurti si mukhar ho rahi thi…..ussi prakar top ke niche moujud sadhna ke ardh viksit youvan ango (chuchiyo) ke nagn hone ka ehsaas mujhe romanchit kiye de raha tha.
Main apne hath se sadhna ke pairo ko sahlane laga…..jisse sadhna ka jism haule se tharthara utha….main uske sharir ki anand purn thar tharahat ko apne hatho par clear mahsoos kar raha tha.
Maine hatho ka sahlaav badhaya…mera hath pahle ki apeksha aur adhik aage piche ho kar uske ghutne se upar ki taraf sarakne laga.
Sadhna ka sharir haule haule kampne laga tha…vah meri baho me dheeli padti chali gayi….maine dusra hath aage badhaya aur ungliyo se uski palko ko chhua….sadhna ki ankhe band ho chuki thi.
Mera sharir sansana utha….spast tha ki meri harkate anand purn lahro ke roop me sadhna ke jism me samana shuru kar chuki thi….ab uska chehra mere chehre ke nikat tha…hum dono ke saanso ki garmi ek dusre ke chehre se takra kar bikharne lagi thi.
Mera hath fisalte huye uske ghutne ke upar jane laga…sadhna ka jism jor se kaamp gaya….maine sadhna ke jism ko akadta hota hua mahsoos kiya…mera hath thoda aur aage badha to usne apni jaangho ko bheench liya.
Mera hath uski jaangho ke beech dab kar rah gaya…..meri hatho ke ird gird lipti sadhna ki gori jaangho ka naram naram makhmali ehsaas pa kar mujhe aisa mahsoos kiya jaise ki maine bhitar kisi gahre burf me tezi se pighalta ja raha hu.
Meri saanse gahrati chali gayi….mujhe apne sharir ki rago me ek tez nasha tairta hua mahsoos ho raha tha....jeevan me pahli baar anand ke asim sagar me utre majhi ki tarah main lahro par machalne ke liye utsuk ho utha tha.
Maine sadhna ke chehre ko apne chere ke karib kiya aur uske hotho ki taraf apne pyase hoth badha diye….sadhna dhire se kasmasayi….shayad vah mera irada bhaanp chuki thi….kintu isse pahle ki vah pratirodh swaroop kuch kar pati…mere hoth uske hotho par ja tike.
Sadhna ka jism thar tharaya aur phir vo dheeli padti chali gayi….maine apne hotho se uske hotho ka mardan shuru kar diya…sadhna ki jaanghe apne aap hi dheeli pad kar phailti chali gayi…aur uski jaangho ke beech daba mera hath phir se sarakne ke liye azad ho gaya.
Main lagatar sadhna ke hotho ko chuse ja raha tha vahi mera hath azadi milte hi phir se sadhna ke ghutno se aage sarakte huye uski chikni jaangho ki taraf badhne laga.
Meri harkato se sadhna aise dheeli pad gayi thi jaise ki uske sharir me koi jaan hi na ho…..maine apne hotho se uske hoth azad kiye to vah piche ko jhukti chali gayi.
Sadhna ke sir ke khule baal dharti ki oor jhul gaye…..piche jhukne se uski rasili nashpatiyo ke samaan ardh viksit chuchiya mere sine me chubhne lagi….aur mere badan me sansani si daudti chali gayi.
Iss sansani me vichitra si garmi ka samavesh tha….anayas hi mere hoth uske hotho se phisle aur uske gaalo ko chumte huye nanhi si surahi jaisi gardan ki makhmali twacha se ja chipke.
Jaise hi maine uske gaalo ko chuma to sadhna haule se kunmuna uthi…..main apne hoth uski gardan se niche aur niche fislata chala gaya....chand second baad hi mere hoth uski sakht chuchiyo ki ghatiyo me gardish kar rahe the.
Sadhna ke muh se siskari nikalne lagi…..mera dusra hath uski jaangho ke beech rengte huye ek vishesh spot arthat chaddi ke upar se hi sadhna ki bur par pahuch chuka tha.
Sahsa sadhna tadap kar sidhi huyi ...kadachit meri harkato ne uss tufani nadi ke pani ko petrol ka rang de diya tha….umra ka naya daur besabra hota hai…iss umra me yuva ‘sanyam’ shabd se poori tarah aparichit hote hain.
Main abhi kuch samajh bhi na paya tha ki sadhna ek jhatke ke sath mere upar jhuk gayi ….mujhe aisa laga ki sawan ki anginat ghatao me se sabse pyasi kintu nashili ghata mere chehre par jhuk aayi ho.
Sadhna ne mujhe apni baho me tezi se khicha aur mere chehre par apne hotho ki anginat chhap chhodti chali gayi....usne khud hi apne hotho ko mere hotho se mila diya aur jor jor se chumne lagi….aur mera hath uski bur par upar niche fisalne laga.
Aur tabhi…..
Koun hai ye Sadhna....? Kya hua uske sath.....? Kya wo jinda hai ya nahi...? Sheetal ka kya raaz hai....? Ya Phir kahi Sheetal hi to Sadhna nahi hai....?
Inn sabhi sawalo ke jawab diary ke antim bhag ke sath agle update me...
Hum dono baithe hote to main jaan bujh kar apne ghutne ko uske ghutne se takra deta….mujhe to asim anand ki anubhuti hoti hi thi sath me sadhna ki ankho me chhaya nasha bhi gahra jata.
Kabhi kabhi anand ki atirekta vah na sahan kar pati to ankhe band kar leti thi, kintu phir tatkal vah chounk kar ankhe kholti to uske chehre par bhay dol jata….use bhaybheet dekh kar main bhi saham uthta aur sadhna ko phir se sparsh karne ki himmat na padti.
Hum dono jaldi se door hat jate aur uttejana ki dor pakde adhar me latke vyast ho jane ka dhong karte….thodi der baad bhay tanik halka padta aur hum phir se ek dusre ko sparsh kar anand uthane ki firaq me lag jate.
Ab aage……
Hamare dil pakde jane ki ashanka se darr rahe hote the….kintu hamari ashanka nirmul thi kyon ki hamari umra abhi uss shikhar tak nahi pahuchi thi jaha pahuchne par samaz ke shaq ka dayra kasta hai.
March ke uss mahakte mousam me hum nadi me utar jate aur ek dusre par pani uchhalte huye tairne ka anand lene lagte.. phir hum karib aate aur kamar se niche pani me doobe sharir ko tairne ke bahane ek dusre se jaan bujh kar takra dete… aah, kitna anand aata tha…aaj bhi main unn palo me dubta hu to sharir me anand ki lahre doudne lagti hain.
Aaj…aaj agar sadhna mere samne aaye to shayad hi use pahchan saku….kyon ki tab ki kishori sadhna ab moti moti jaangho, choude chutad aur badi chuchiyo wali nari ka roop dharan kar chuki hogi…unn komal anubhutiyo aur sparsho ke pashchat, sharir me uthne wali anand purn lahro se sharir abhi bhi parichit hai…unn palo ka smaran hote hi main itna sanvedanshil ho jata hu ki hawa ke jhonke bhi mujhe bhitar tak sihrate chale jate hain….aisa lagta hai ki march ki mohak gandh ke sath sath sadhna bhi meri saanso me pravesh kar ke mere rag rag me phailti chali gayi ho.
Kafi dino tak main aur sadhna ek dusre ke sparsh ko lalayit rahte the….aur ek dusre ke ird gird chakrate rahe the …kintu baat isse aage nahi badh saki thi.
Waqt gujarta raha…akhir me ek din maine hich kichate huye sadhna ke samne ek prastav rakha ki vah raat hone ke baad ghumne ke bahane bahar ke bagiche me aaye.
Meri baat sunne ke baad sadhna ne chounk kar ek ajib si nazar se mujhe dekha....mere dil ki dhadkane anayas hi badh gayi... main sadhna ke bolne ki pratiksha karne laga.
Sadhna kuch nahi boli lekin usne apna sir haa ki sahmati me jarur hila diya…aur mera mann mor ki tarah nachne laga.. mujhe aisa mahsoos hua jaise ki mere pankh ug aaye ho.
Bagh ki ghani belo ki ghani chhanv ke niche ek patthar ki bench aur kanth me dhadak rahe dil ki dhadkan ko sunta bench par baitha raha….
Kisi bhi ladki ko samay dekar usse ekant me milne ka ye mera pahla avsar tha….isliye main jara jara si aahat par bhi chihuk padta tha…sahsa uttapann huyi patto ki sarsarahat bhi mujhe chounka deti thi….uss samay main sadhna ke makan ki taraf dekh raha tha jab mujhe piche se kisi ki awaz sunayi padi…
“Kya dekh rahe ho….?”
Maine piche mud kar dekha to mere samne sadhna andhere ka prati bimb bani ek dhundhli si aakriti ke roop me mujhse chand kadam door khadi thi.
Raj—tumh….tumhe yaha aate huye kisi ne dekha to nahi….?
Sadhna (fusfusate huye)—nahi…..mummy, papa TV dekh rahe hain…
Raj—ohhhh
Sadhna mere karib sarak aayi…itni ki main uske dil ki dhadkane clear sunn raha tha…..main kampte kadmo se aage badha.. pedo ki chhav tale chhaya bana andhera hame sankoch viheen hone par badhya kar raha tha.
Kewal ek kadam aur aage sarakne ke baad maine sadhna ko pa liya…..usko apni baho me lene ke baad maine mahsooskiya ki usne top ke andar kuch bhi nahi pahna rakha hai.
Jis prakar sitaro ke piche aas maan ki nagnata neele roop me thithurti si mukhar ho rahi thi…..ussi prakar top ke niche moujud sadhna ke ardh viksit youvan ango (chuchiyo) ke nagn hone ka ehsaas mujhe romanchit kiye de raha tha.
Main apne hath se sadhna ke pairo ko sahlane laga…..jisse sadhna ka jism haule se tharthara utha….main uske sharir ki anand purn thar tharahat ko apne hatho par clear mahsoos kar raha tha.
Maine hatho ka sahlaav badhaya…mera hath pahle ki apeksha aur adhik aage piche ho kar uske ghutne se upar ki taraf sarakne laga.
Sadhna ka sharir haule haule kampne laga tha…vah meri baho me dheeli padti chali gayi….maine dusra hath aage badhaya aur ungliyo se uski palko ko chhua….sadhna ki ankhe band ho chuki thi.
Mera sharir sansana utha….spast tha ki meri harkate anand purn lahro ke roop me sadhna ke jism me samana shuru kar chuki thi….ab uska chehra mere chehre ke nikat tha…hum dono ke saanso ki garmi ek dusre ke chehre se takra kar bikharne lagi thi.
Mera hath fisalte huye uske ghutne ke upar jane laga…sadhna ka jism jor se kaamp gaya….maine sadhna ke jism ko akadta hota hua mahsoos kiya…mera hath thoda aur aage badha to usne apni jaangho ko bheench liya.
Mera hath uski jaangho ke beech dab kar rah gaya…..meri hatho ke ird gird lipti sadhna ki gori jaangho ka naram naram makhmali ehsaas pa kar mujhe aisa mahsoos kiya jaise ki maine bhitar kisi gahre burf me tezi se pighalta ja raha hu.
Meri saanse gahrati chali gayi….mujhe apne sharir ki rago me ek tez nasha tairta hua mahsoos ho raha tha....jeevan me pahli baar anand ke asim sagar me utre majhi ki tarah main lahro par machalne ke liye utsuk ho utha tha.
Maine sadhna ke chehre ko apne chere ke karib kiya aur uske hotho ki taraf apne pyase hoth badha diye….sadhna dhire se kasmasayi….shayad vah mera irada bhaanp chuki thi….kintu isse pahle ki vah pratirodh swaroop kuch kar pati…mere hoth uske hotho par ja tike.
Sadhna ka jism thar tharaya aur phir vo dheeli padti chali gayi….maine apne hotho se uske hotho ka mardan shuru kar diya…sadhna ki jaanghe apne aap hi dheeli pad kar phailti chali gayi…aur uski jaangho ke beech daba mera hath phir se sarakne ke liye azad ho gaya.
Main lagatar sadhna ke hotho ko chuse ja raha tha vahi mera hath azadi milte hi phir se sadhna ke ghutno se aage sarakte huye uski chikni jaangho ki taraf badhne laga.
Meri harkato se sadhna aise dheeli pad gayi thi jaise ki uske sharir me koi jaan hi na ho…..maine apne hotho se uske hoth azad kiye to vah piche ko jhukti chali gayi.
Sadhna ke sir ke khule baal dharti ki oor jhul gaye…..piche jhukne se uski rasili nashpatiyo ke samaan ardh viksit chuchiya mere sine me chubhne lagi….aur mere badan me sansani si daudti chali gayi.
Iss sansani me vichitra si garmi ka samavesh tha….anayas hi mere hoth uske hotho se phisle aur uske gaalo ko chumte huye nanhi si surahi jaisi gardan ki makhmali twacha se ja chipke.
Jaise hi maine uske gaalo ko chuma to sadhna haule se kunmuna uthi…..main apne hoth uski gardan se niche aur niche fislata chala gaya....chand second baad hi mere hoth uski sakht chuchiyo ki ghatiyo me gardish kar rahe the.
Sadhna ke muh se siskari nikalne lagi…..mera dusra hath uski jaangho ke beech rengte huye ek vishesh spot arthat chaddi ke upar se hi sadhna ki bur par pahuch chuka tha.
Sahsa sadhna tadap kar sidhi huyi ...kadachit meri harkato ne uss tufani nadi ke pani ko petrol ka rang de diya tha….umra ka naya daur besabra hota hai…iss umra me yuva ‘sanyam’ shabd se poori tarah aparichit hote hain.
Main abhi kuch samajh bhi na paya tha ki sadhna ek jhatke ke sath mere upar jhuk gayi ….mujhe aisa laga ki sawan ki anginat ghatao me se sabse pyasi kintu nashili ghata mere chehre par jhuk aayi ho.
Sadhna ne mujhe apni baho me tezi se khicha aur mere chehre par apne hotho ki anginat chhap chhodti chali gayi....usne khud hi apne hotho ko mere hotho se mila diya aur jor jor se chumne lagi….aur mera hath uski bur par upar niche fisalne laga.
Aur tabhi…..
Koun hai ye Sadhna....? Kya hua uske sath.....? Kya wo jinda hai ya nahi...? Sheetal ka kya raaz hai....? Ya Phir kahi Sheetal hi to Sadhna nahi hai....?
Inn sabhi sawalo ke jawab diary ke antim bhag ke sath agle update me...
Sheetal—raj ki diary…..padh lijiye ki sach kya hai….
Rashmi—diary ka pahla page kholte huye...
Jis tarah khile basant ke smaran matra se hi saanso me ek madhur sugandh si ghulti chali jati hai......ussi prakar uski ek halki smrati mastisk me koundhte hi meri saanse mahak uthti hain.....smrati gahrate hi saanso me madakta ka ushmiya uchhal sa aa jata hai....aur jaangho me cheetiya si rengne lagti hain.
Jaise jaise ye ehsaas pragadh hota hai, sharir me doud rahi siharane anandpurn lahro ka praroop grahan kar leti hain....aur main iss sukhad anand ki uss vichitranubhuti me gote lagata chala jata hu.
Aap soch rahe honge ki main kiske bare me baate kiye ja raha hu.... ? koun hai vah jiske liye mere jaisa choot ka pujari vyakti aas maan ke kulabe bharne par baadhya ho jata hai…? Agar sach much aisa hi hai to suniye….uska naam hai …….Sadhna…..Ji haan, Sadhna.
Sadhna sambandhi ehsaas. Jiska maine abhi jikra kiya , vo kalpanik nahi varan katu yatharth ki chand kadiya hain…..unhe maine mahsoos kiya, unme jiya aur ji raha hu…..
Sadhna, jo kabhi meri saans balki saanso se bhi gahre samayi huyi thi…..usko main apni baho me bharta tha to aisa mahsoos hota tha jaise ki swarg ka samast sukh simat kar meri baho me aa gaya ho…..
Jab main usse alag hota tha tab bhi vah meri yaado ke dayre se door na hoti thi….uska khubsurat chehra, uski chanchal alhadta aur uska maadak sparsh nirantar mere jehan me chakraya karta tha aur main unme doobte utarte huye romanchit hota rahta tha….kul mila kar usse alag hote huye bhi usse alag nahi hota tha.
Apni kahani…apni sadhna ki kahani ko dohrane ka mera uddeshya kewal itna hai ki logo ke dimag me jami dhool ko main sachchayi ki iss prakhar kiran se door karna chahta hu aur asha hai ki sab kuch janne ke baad meri khooni aur hawash ke pujari ki spast chhavi me adhik na sahi kintu anshik roop se sudhar jarur ayega.
Mera ye vichar akaran hai, main nahi manta…karan yah hai ki purn sthiti par main jab jab vichar karta hu to khud par ashcharya hota hai aur barbas hi khud budbuda uthta hu ki kya main sach much choot ka pujari hu…?
Main kitna galat hu, kitna sahi,..ye sochna mera kaam nahi hai balki aap logo ka kaam hai…aap log mere muh se nikle ek ek shabd ko sunne aur padhne ko vivash hain.
Maa ke anusar jis waqt mera janam hua, vo city hospital me thi….maine apne papa ki khush mizaz tasveer aaj bhi apne dimag me surakshit rakh rakhi hai…unka hasta mushkurata chehra, chehre par phaili abhamay soumyata, aaj bhi mere manas patal par ubharti hai aur usse main apalak dristi se dekhta rahta hu….unke vyavhar ki mraduta smaran hote hi main aaj bhi taral ho uthta hu.
Meri maa bahut sundar hai….parichit aur sage sambandhi, unke roop lavanya ki prashansa dil khol kar kiya karte the.. mere papa mujhe bahut pyar karte the….vo mere bhavishya ke prati bahut sajag the…kabhi kabhi vo prashann mudra me jab ye kahte ki vah jo kuch kar rahe hain mere liye kar rahe hain…to mera mann mayur ki tarah naach uthta.
Karib char varsh ki umra me mujhe school me pravesh dilaya gaya…teachers mujhse hamesha hi pareshan rahte the.. kyon ki uss samay mere andar ek buri adat thi…mujhe maa ka doodh pine ki…main jis kisi bhi ladki ya aurat ko dekhta to jabardasti usse lipat kar uska doodh pine lagta….meri iss adat ki vajah se gaon ki aurato ne hamare ghar aana hi chhod diya tha…aur agar kabhi aati bhi to apni ladkiyo ko ghar chhod ke hi aati thi….kabhi kabhi to main meenu didi aur kinjal didi se bhi lipat jata tha…..kinjal didi to mujhe maar kar bhaga deti thi kintu meri meenu didi mujhe apna doodh chupchap pila deti aur kisi ko batane se mana kar deti thi…..yahi kaam main school me bhi kiya karta tha, jo bhi mana karti to usko main patak kar peet deta tha, jiski vajah se aaye din meri pitayi hoti rahti thi.
Halanki main apni class ka topper student to nahi tha kintu meri ginti minded students me jarur hoti thi…mera mann uss samay shararat ke sath sath padhayi me bhi khoob lagta tha…kul mila kar mere din aise hi nikal rahe the…main padhne aur shararat karne me mast rahta tha.
Unhi dino ke darmyan sadhna mere jeevan me aayi….vah hamare gaon me hi rahti thi aur mere sath hi school me padhti thi….hum dono ko class mates hone ka saubhagya to nahi mil saka kyon ki vah mujhse do class aage thi…kintu haan, hum ek dusre ki oor mitra bhav se jarur khiche….jabki sadhna ki maa aur uske thulthule baap se mujhe bahut chidh hoti thi.
Aisa kyo hua, isse hum anjan hi the….hum dono pahli bar nadi kinare mile…..uss samay hum dono ret ke gharonde bana rahe the…kayi dino tak to maine uski taraf koi dhyan hi nahi diya kintu jab maine mahsoos kiya ki hum dono ki pasand lagbhag ek jaisi hai to mujhe bahut achcha lagta tha….jo mujhe pasand aata tha, prayah sadhna usko khushi khushi swikar kar leti thi.
Pasand arthat ruchiyo ka ek hona dosti ko pragadh karta hai aur vaicharik takrao dosti me darar paida karta hai…. Kadachit yahi karan tha ki hum dono ek dusre ke karib aate chale gaye the.
Uplabdh vatavaran hi bachche ke charitra ka nirmata hota hai, aisa mera manna hai…..isliye main sabse pahle uss vatavaran ki charcha karna uchit samajhta hu jisme hum dono parwarish pa rahe the….isse sabko mere hawashi hone ke karan ko samajhne me asani hogi.
Vaise ghar me chacha, chachi, maa, papa sabhi mujhe pyar karte the…kewal kinjal didi aur sheetal didi hi mujhe maar peet deti thi….kinjal didi ko to main daanto se kaat kar bhag jaya karta tha jab bhi vo mujhe maarti to…magar sheetal didi, unse to maine kabhi koi badatmizi ki hi nahi……Sheetal didi ke samne padte hi mere dimag ko ek jhatka sa lagta….aur unko dekhte hi mere manas patal par sadhna ki tasveer ubhar aati….aisa kadachit isliye hota tha kyon ki sadhna aur sheetal didi ki shakal bilkul ek jaisi thi…..dono ko agar kisi ke samne khada kar diya jata to koi nahi bata sakta tha ki sadhna koun hai aur sheetal didi koun…..?
Main hamesha sochta ki aisa kaise sambhav hai….? Mere nanhe dimag me aneko sawal janam lete aur ansuljhe hi rah jate.. uss samay main niyati ke kriya kalapo se aparichit hi tha, isliye aisi socho ka banna swabhavik hi tha.
Ussi samay maa ki tabiyat kharab huyi, sabne bataya ki ghar me koi mera bhai ya bahan aane wali hain…..to maa ki dekhne ke liye Lalita mousi ka aagman hua hamare ghar, vo meri maa se badi thi….kuch dino baad meri choti bahan ka janam hua….iske baad mousi ka aana jana chalta raha.
Samay gujarta raha aur meri umra badhte badhte uss sthan tak aa pahuchi jaha balak ka vivek kafi had tak sochne samajhne ki shakti viksit kar liya karta hai.
Maine kayi bar apne papa aur lalita mousi ko ek dusre ke nikat dekha tha…..vo dono aksar ek dusre se haste bolte aur chedkhani karte rahte the.
Mujhe ashcharya hota dekh kar, kyon ki unke vyavhar me ek dusre ke prati samarpan ka bhav hota tha…..theek vaisa jaisa ki kisi pati patni me hota hai.
Mujhe ye sab vichitra sa lagta, kintu vo dono mere vaha hone ki baat par laparwah hi rahte the....main iss mouke ko chukta bhi nahi tha aur chori chhipe unke adbhut kriya kalapo ko dekhta rahta tha….mujhe isme vichitra se anand ki anubhuti hoti aur ye sab dekhna achcha lagta tha.
Waqt thoda aur beeta aur mera vivek kuch aur paripakwa hua….phir ek din sahsa maine dono ki prem purn baate suni..tatpashchat aisa mahsoos hua ki jaise unke beech sharirik duriya bhi mitt gayi ho….maine unhe ek dusre ke kafi karib mahsoos kiya.
Bachcho ki upasthiti ki upeksha kar ke ek dusre ke prem me doob jane walo ko shayad ye nahi malum hota hai ki uss samay uss bachche par kya gujarti hai, jab vah unhe ek dusre ke hotho se hoth chipkaye ek dusre ki baho me aalingan baddh dekhta hai.
Mujhe uss waqt apne dil par koi phaans si chubhti mahsoos huyi thi...philhal uss samay tak gahrayi se soch pane ki kshamta mujhme viksit nahi huyi thi.
Beeta waqt aur sadhna ki dosti mere dil par marham ka kaam kar rahi thi.....maa, sheetal didi aur sadhna ke baad mere manas patal par meri lalita mousi ka chehra ubharta…aur phir yakayak unn chehro ke beech mere papa ka chehra ubhar aata….hasta, mushkurata aur soumya chehra.
Sabhi chehre apas me ekattha ho jate aur phir vo dhundhle padne lagte...agar bachta tha to sirf mousi aur papa ka chehra.. mujhe apne dil me kaanta jaisa chubhne lagta….mujhe achchi tarah yaad hai jab papa, maa ki tarif karte huye unko chandra mukhi karar dete aur unki sundarta ki shaan me shayari kahne lagte….meri maa hai bhi bahut sundar, bholi aur shant swabhav ki.
Mere papa maa ki sundarta ke sath sath uske bholepan par bhi reejh reejh uthte the…..vahi papa, ab meri ussi maa ko bhul kar meri mousi par reejh rahe the….maa ko bhul kar unka kisi dusri aurat me gum ho jana mujhe udas kar gaya tha… poora dinn to main sadhna ke sath busy rahta kintu ekant milte hi ye baat ek tees ban kar mere dil ko chhedne lagti thi… kadachit swabhavik bhi tha, koi bachcha sansar ko bhul sakta hai lekin apni maa ko nahi.
Vo ab bhi samne moujud aurat ki tulna chaand se kiya karte the kintu vo aurat meri maa nahi thi…..vo ab bhi kisi aurat par rijhte the kintu uss aurat ka vyaktitva meri maa se koso door tha.
Yeh vyatha mujh par bhari gujri…..study ke dauran ye khyal jaise hi ubharta to mera mann khinn ho jata…..tab mujhe ehsaas hua ki main class ka topper student kyo nahi ban saka…? Darasal mere papa aur lalita mousi ki samipyata ka khyal aate hi mera mann padhayi se uchat jata tha.
Haan, to baat chal rahi thi sadhna ki…….sadhna jiska poora naam sadhna singh tha….ek dusre ki taraf na kewal khich chuke the balki hum dono ke beech sahanubhuti ki bhavna bhi janam le chuki thi….dhire dhire bhavna pragadh hoti chali gayi.
Do kishor ladke ladkiyo ke beech sahanubhuti ka bhaav jab parwan chadhta hai…to kya hota hai…? Isse aap sab bakhubi parichit honge…..jee haaan, aapne theek samjha….darasal hum ek dusre se prem karne lage the….kintu jis waq hamare mastisk me komal ehsaas shabdo ke roop me ubhre to hame sankuchit ho jana pada.
Jis bhavna ke bare me hamne kewal suna tha swayan ussi ka shikar ho baithe hain…mahsoos karte hi hame sharmshar ho jana pada, kintu ab kya ho sakta tha…? Jo hona tha vo ho chuka tha.
Iss umra ka pyar, kitna alhad, kitna uddand aur kitna sanvedanshil hota hai…iska ehsaas kewal unhe hi ho sakta hai jinhone inn palo ko jiya ho…..athwa jo kalpanasheel sanvedan sheelta ke charam bindu ka sparsh kar chuke ho.
Hum dono ke madhya bhadki ek chingari, sholo ka roop akhtiyar karti ja rahi thi….jiski mithi mithi tapish hame jhulsa rahi thi….iss mithi aanch me jalne ka anand hi kuch aur tha….
Judayi ke kshano ko hum dil me chubhti mithi mithi kasak ke madhya gujarte aur milne ki tamann karte….milne par hum ek dusre ki oor doudte…aise ki jaise ek dusre ko baho me bhar lene ke khwahishmand ho.
Kintu nazdik aane par hum thithak kar ruk jate….mann ka sankoch sir utha kar hame aisa karne se rok deta….ye bado ka kaam hai, ye soch kar hum sharmshar ho uthte.
Tatpashchat hum ek dusre ko jhenpi drasti se dekhte….aur apne apne khel me vyast ho jate kintu ye vyast hona matra ek dikhawa hota tha….vastutah hum ek dusre ke samipya aane ke liye aatur rahte the.
Khelte khelte hum dono ek dusre ke nikat aate aur jaan bujh kar sharir ka koi ang , ek dusre ke ango se takra jane dete… aisa karte hi anand ki ek lahar bhitar uthti aur poora sharir ek vichitra si anand purn sansanahat se bhar jata.
Kabhi sadhna mujhe kuch pakdate huye apni ungaliyo ke por meri ungaliyo se chhu jane deti to main sihar uthta….kafi der tak mere sharir ki nase jhan jhanati rahti.
Hum dono baithe hote to main jaan bujh kar apne ghutne ko uske ghutne se takra deta….mujhe to asim anand ki anubhuti hoti hi thi sath me sadhna ki ankho me chhaya nasha bhi gahra jata.
Kabhi kabhi anand ki atirekta vah na sahan kar pati to ankhe band kar leti thi, kintu phir tatkal vah chounk kar ankhe kholti to uske chehre par bhay dol jata….use bhaybheet dekh kar main bhi saham uthta aur sadhna ko phir se sparsh karne ki himmat na padti.
Hum dono jaldi se door hat jate aur uttejana ki dor pakde adhar me latke vyast ho jane ka dhong karte….thodi der baad bhay tanik halka padta aur hum phir se ek dusre ko sparsh kar anand uthane ki firaq me lag jate.
Hum dono baithe hote to main jaan bujh kar apne ghutne ko uske ghutne se takra deta….mujhe to asim anand ki anubhuti hoti hi thi sath me sadhna ki ankho me chhaya nasha bhi gahra jata.
Kabhi kabhi anand ki atirekta vah na sahan kar pati to ankhe band kar leti thi, kintu phir tatkal vah chounk kar ankhe kholti to uske chehre par bhay dol jata….use bhaybheet dekh kar main bhi saham uthta aur sadhna ko phir se sparsh karne ki himmat na padti.
Hum dono jaldi se door hat jate aur uttejana ki dor pakde adhar me latke vyast ho jane ka dhong karte….thodi der baad bhay tanik halka padta aur hum phir se ek dusre ko sparsh kar anand uthane ki firaq me lag jate.
Ab aage……
Hamare dil pakde jane ki ashanka se darr rahe hote the….kintu hamari ashanka nirmul thi kyon ki hamari umra abhi uss shikhar tak nahi pahuchi thi jaha pahuchne par samaz ke shaq ka dayra kasta hai.
March ke uss mahakte mousam me hum nadi me utar jate aur ek dusre par pani uchhalte huye tairne ka anand lene lagte.. phir hum karib aate aur kamar se niche pani me doobe sharir ko tairne ke bahane ek dusre se jaan bujh kar takra dete… aah, kitna anand aata tha…aaj bhi main unn palo me dubta hu to sharir me anand ki lahre doudne lagti hain.
Aaj…aaj agar sadhna mere samne aaye to shayad hi use pahchan saku….kyon ki tab ki kishori sadhna ab moti moti jaangho, choude chutad aur badi chuchiyo wali nari ka roop dharan kar chuki hogi…unn komal anubhutiyo aur sparsho ke pashchat, sharir me uthne wali anand purn lahro se sharir abhi bhi parichit hai…unn palo ka smaran hote hi main itna sanvedanshil ho jata hu ki hawa ke jhonke bhi mujhe bhitar tak sihrate chale jate hain….aisa lagta hai ki march ki mohak gandh ke sath sath sadhna bhi meri saanso me pravesh kar ke mere rag rag me phailti chali gayi ho.
Kafi dino tak main aur sadhna ek dusre ke sparsh ko lalayit rahte the….aur ek dusre ke ird gird chakrate rahe the …kintu baat isse aage nahi badh saki thi.
Waqt gujarta raha…akhir me ek din maine hich kichate huye sadhna ke samne ek prastav rakha ki vah raat hone ke baad ghumne ke bahane bahar ke bagiche me aaye.
Meri baat sunne ke baad sadhna ne chounk kar ek ajib si nazar se mujhe dekha....mere dil ki dhadkane anayas hi badh gayi... main sadhna ke bolne ki pratiksha karne laga.
Sadhna kuch nahi boli lekin usne apna sir haa ki sahmati me jarur hila diya…aur mera mann mor ki tarah nachne laga.. mujhe aisa mahsoos hua jaise ki mere pankh ug aaye ho.
Bagh ki ghani belo ki ghani chhanv ke niche ek patthar ki bench aur kanth me dhadak rahe dil ki dhadkan ko sunta bench par baitha raha….
Kisi bhi ladki ko samay dekar usse ekant me milne ka ye mera pahla avsar tha….isliye main jara jara si aahat par bhi chihuk padta tha…sahsa uttapann huyi patto ki sarsarahat bhi mujhe chounka deti thi….uss samay main sadhna ke makan ki taraf dekh raha tha jab mujhe piche se kisi ki awaz sunayi padi…
“Kya dekh rahe ho….?”
Maine piche mud kar dekha to mere samne sadhna andhere ka prati bimb bani ek dhundhli si aakriti ke roop me mujhse chand kadam door khadi thi.
Raj—tumh….tumhe yaha aate huye kisi ne dekha to nahi….?
Sadhna (fusfusate huye)—nahi…..mummy, papa TV dekh rahe hain…
Raj—ohhhh
Sadhna mere karib sarak aayi…itni ki main uske dil ki dhadkane clear sunn raha tha…..main kampte kadmo se aage badha.. pedo ki chhav tale chhaya bana andhera hame sankoch viheen hone par badhya kar raha tha.
Kewal ek kadam aur aage sarakne ke baad maine sadhna ko pa liya…..usko apni baho me lene ke baad maine mahsooskiya ki usne top ke andar kuch bhi nahi pahna rakha hai.
Jis prakar sitaro ke piche aas maan ki nagnata neele roop me thithurti si mukhar ho rahi thi…..ussi prakar top ke niche moujud sadhna ke ardh viksit youvan ango (chuchiyo) ke nagn hone ka ehsaas mujhe romanchit kiye de raha tha.
Main apne hath se sadhna ke pairo ko sahlane laga…..jisse sadhna ka jism haule se tharthara utha….main uske sharir ki anand purn thar tharahat ko apne hatho par clear mahsoos kar raha tha.
Maine hatho ka sahlaav badhaya…mera hath pahle ki apeksha aur adhik aage piche ho kar uske ghutne se upar ki taraf sarakne laga.
Sadhna ka sharir haule haule kampne laga tha…vah meri baho me dheeli padti chali gayi….maine dusra hath aage badhaya aur ungliyo se uski palko ko chhua….sadhna ki ankhe band ho chuki thi.
Mera sharir sansana utha….spast tha ki meri harkate anand purn lahro ke roop me sadhna ke jism me samana shuru kar chuki thi….ab uska chehra mere chehre ke nikat tha…hum dono ke saanso ki garmi ek dusre ke chehre se takra kar bikharne lagi thi.
Mera hath fisalte huye uske ghutne ke upar jane laga…sadhna ka jism jor se kaamp gaya….maine sadhna ke jism ko akadta hota hua mahsoos kiya…mera hath thoda aur aage badha to usne apni jaangho ko bheench liya.
Mera hath uski jaangho ke beech dab kar rah gaya…..meri hatho ke ird gird lipti sadhna ki gori jaangho ka naram naram makhmali ehsaas pa kar mujhe aisa mahsoos kiya jaise ki maine bhitar kisi gahre burf me tezi se pighalta ja raha hu.
Meri saanse gahrati chali gayi….mujhe apne sharir ki rago me ek tez nasha tairta hua mahsoos ho raha tha....jeevan me pahli baar anand ke asim sagar me utre majhi ki tarah main lahro par machalne ke liye utsuk ho utha tha.
Maine sadhna ke chehre ko apne chere ke karib kiya aur uske hotho ki taraf apne pyase hoth badha diye….sadhna dhire se kasmasayi….shayad vah mera irada bhaanp chuki thi….kintu isse pahle ki vah pratirodh swaroop kuch kar pati…mere hoth uske hotho par ja tike.
Sadhna ka jism thar tharaya aur phir vo dheeli padti chali gayi….maine apne hotho se uske hotho ka mardan shuru kar diya…sadhna ki jaanghe apne aap hi dheeli pad kar phailti chali gayi…aur uski jaangho ke beech daba mera hath phir se sarakne ke liye azad ho gaya.
Main lagatar sadhna ke hotho ko chuse ja raha tha vahi mera hath azadi milte hi phir se sadhna ke ghutno se aage sarakte huye uski chikni jaangho ki taraf badhne laga.
Meri harkato se sadhna aise dheeli pad gayi thi jaise ki uske sharir me koi jaan hi na ho…..maine apne hotho se uske hoth azad kiye to vah piche ko jhukti chali gayi.
Sadhna ke sir ke khule baal dharti ki oor jhul gaye…..piche jhukne se uski rasili nashpatiyo ke samaan ardh viksit chuchiya mere sine me chubhne lagi….aur mere badan me sansani si daudti chali gayi.
Iss sansani me vichitra si garmi ka samavesh tha….anayas hi mere hoth uske hotho se phisle aur uske gaalo ko chumte huye nanhi si surahi jaisi gardan ki makhmali twacha se ja chipke.
Jaise hi maine uske gaalo ko chuma to sadhna haule se kunmuna uthi…..main apne hoth uski gardan se niche aur niche fislata chala gaya....chand second baad hi mere hoth uski sakht chuchiyo ki ghatiyo me gardish kar rahe the.
Sadhna ke muh se siskari nikalne lagi…..mera dusra hath uski jaangho ke beech rengte huye ek vishesh spot arthat chaddi ke upar se hi sadhna ki bur par pahuch chuka tha.
Sahsa sadhna tadap kar sidhi huyi ...kadachit meri harkato ne uss tufani nadi ke pani ko petrol ka rang de diya tha….umra ka naya daur besabra hota hai…iss umra me yuva ‘sanyam’ shabd se poori tarah aparichit hote hain.
Main abhi kuch samajh bhi na paya tha ki sadhna ek jhatke ke sath mere upar jhuk gayi ….mujhe aisa laga ki sawan ki anginat ghatao me se sabse pyasi kintu nashili ghata mere chehre par jhuk aayi ho.
Sadhna ne mujhe apni baho me tezi se khicha aur mere chehre par apne hotho ki anginat chhap chhodti chali gayi....usne khud hi apne hotho ko mere hotho se mila diya aur jor jor se chumne lagi….aur mera hath uski bur par upar niche fisalne laga.
Aur tabhi…..
Koun hai ye Sadhna....? Kya hua uske sath.....? Kya wo jinda hai ya nahi...? Sheetal ka kya raaz hai....? Ya Phir kahi Sheetal hi to Sadhna nahi hai....?
Inn sabhi sawalo ke jawab diary ke antim bhag ke sath agle update me...
