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Romance Dawn at Midnight by Pinuram [Completed]

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143
Chapter 9: Cord snapped

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ChotoMa was busy in buying gifts for my Mom and other family members. She was also happy as she has at last met what she promised my Mom. She was happy to see my smiling face. But she was unaware of my real intention.

The eventful day was approaching when I would enjoy my twenty-eighth monsoon on this Mother Earth. That day was to come in forty-five days from then.

With every passing day I asked myself the same question “When are you going to come? I am restless now. Your thoughts are killing me with every passing second. I spend sleepless night tossing on my bed. I remember each and every moment of the fighting we had on the first night, and I laugh. I remember those sweet kisses and the first night at Chitkul. Come quickly, I am waiting for you, my Unicorn. This time I want to ride with you and roam on those grasslands, over the meadows, on the valleys beneath those high pine and cedar trees. This time I won’t fly away. I just want to ride with you, walk by your side. I want to feel your strong arms around me. I want your warmth in the cold night.”

One day Debobroto called and asked that he and Teesta wants to meet me.

I asked him---“When and where?”

Teesta was by his side, I could hear her voice as she yelled out---“Now.”

I laughed at her and asked Debobroto to hand over the phone to her.

She asked me---“I am not going to wait for long. We both want to meet you.”

It was very hot and humid outside so I asked them to come to my house.

Both of them arrived after few hours. I looked at Teesta; she was dressed in a simple cotton salwar. She had her braids flowing nicely till the mid of her back. No ponytail.

I smiled at her and contracted my brows “What happened to you?”

She gave me a coy look and pointed at Debobroto ---“He doesn’t like me in those jeans and tops.”

“Oooooooo….” I looked at Debobroto and asked, “That’s nice. So how are you two going along?”

Debobroto clenched his jaws as he looked into my eyes and said---“I don’t know what type of person you are. I thought I know you very well but I failed to understand you in these two years. Since you are older to me and ….”

I looked at him and asked---“And what?”

“And nothing, I don’t have words as what to express and how to express” he looked away hiding his emotions.

Teesta rubbed his back to douse his emotions. She looked at me and said---“He is telling the truth. We both have lost our vocabulary as what to express. You are out of this world person. Can I ask you something, very personal although?”

I sensed as what would be the question so I guarded myself well and said to them---“I know very well as what you are going to ask. Don’t ask you won’t get the answer from me.”

Both of them nodded their head and said---“Our best wishes will always be with you. You will surely meet the person you are waiting for.”

I smiled at them and said to myself “I know that dear. Just I am going through a trough of time.”


Mid June, on one fine summer morning. I was in the kitchen preparing breakfast for ChotoMa and Babu. ChotoMa told to me the other night that she would visit my Mom on that day.


I was very happy. The phone rang.

ChotoMa answered the phone and screamed. Her voice choked. I came running from the kitchen on hearing her shrieks.

---“WHEN, HOW. NO….”

I felt a huge tremble rattled the coast of my chest. I stood there holding the chair in my clutch. I looked into those flooding eyes of ChotoMa as she looked at me.

My eyes were hazy, my chest gurgled out.

I cried out to ChotoMa---“What happened?”

She did not answer my question.

She bit her lower lips and said to the person on the phone---“NO we are coming. Just keep her there. I don’t want my child to goto crematorium.”

I clutched the front fabric of my dress, ran to ChotoMa, and asked as what happened. Her silence was killing me.

She kept the phone and threw her arms around me, hugged me tightly. She was uncontrollable.

She called out Babu and asked him to call the cab.

I was still not sure as where I was going and what happened to whom.

Babu asked ChotoMa as what happened to whom.

She was unable to speak. She pressed my head on her bosoms and said to Babu---“My Aunt…. Call the cab.”

When I heard “My aunt” from her shaken lips, I turned into a stone. I closed my eyes. My whole life got drained on that single word from ChotoMa’s lips. The whole world shook. I dug my face on her lap and I do not remember what happened after that.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the bed.

Teesta and Delisha were by my side. They both took me in their arms, but I was turned into stone. I lost my speech. Both of them somehow dressed me.

For the whole journey to my home, I kept very quiet. Danish brought his brother’s car.

ChotoMa and Babu were in the cab.

I came out of the car, like a stone effigy. I looked on the courtyard. My beloved Mother’s frame was draped in a white cotton cloth, lying peacefully under the Holy Basil plant.

After few hours she was taken away from the courtyard forever. I was unable to cry or to say something. I was unable to breathe properly. I felt a huge boulder on my chest, under which all my feelings, my pains, my tears were buried. I was unable to remove that boulder to express my tears.

The whole eleven days, my youngest sister-in-law, Maithili was by my side. She nursed me, took care of my broken heart, tried to stitch that but she failed. She tried to mend those holes but those were of no use. I was turned into stone, I was unable to express my feelings. I confined myself in my room for eleven days.

Every one of my family members was present on the eleventh day of the mourning ceremony. Indrani Di and Chandrani Di said to me that I was in good hands of ChotoMa and Babu.

No one would ever know the truth. No one would believe my words that my life was like a beautiful princess living in an ivory cage.

Only I knew where I was going.

The day before, I was to return back with ChotoMa and Babu, I went to the tree he planted in the backyard. I plucked a twig and wrapped that in my handkerchief. I took a fist full of the earth from the ground beneath the tree and tied that in my handkerchief.

I kissed the trunk of that tree and then I cried out---“Abhimanyu, your beloved Paree died today.”

At least till few days ago there was a faint ray of hope. It faded away forever.



My umbilical cord, the last cord snapped away. I was then at mercy of ChotoMa and Babu. I waited to meet my fate.





======== END OF PART I ===========

______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143


Part 2: Blistered Feet

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Chapter 1: Fairy Surrender

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The princess returned to her ivory cage. She returned with broken heart, lost hopes. She observed that the mast of the old wooden ship vanished on the separator of the horizon. The unicorn never touched her shoulder, never neighed after that. She looked back for the unicorn. It was nowhere to be seen. There was a dark could overhead.



I turned twenty-eight on that August. I crept in my shell and confined me to my room. I was unperturbed about the world around me. ChotoMa and Babu were very much worried about my health. I was unable to come in terms that my Mother was gone. I was unable to come to terms that my Unicorn was lost. All the rays, glimmer everything burnt in the pyre with mother. She never expressed to ChotoMa as what she actually wanted. The unicorn, my thief never came back or contacted me.

The “Optics Notebook” never came out of the bookshelf after the demise of my mother. It was of no use to me then.

One evening ChotoMa came to my room.

She said to me---“Paree, I am like your mother.”

I nodded my head “Yes you are like my mother but not my mother.”

I gave a painful smile at her and asked---“What do you want from me now?”

---“Why are you asking me like that? What can a mother ask from her daughter?”

“I wanted to be your daughter-in-law and not your daughter” instead I asked her---“Are you searching for groom?”

She nodded her head and said---“Yes. Both I and your Babu were thinking of that.”

I gave a disturbed look at her---“But I want to be a teacher? What about that, you promised me?”

She sat beside me and rubbed her palms on my cheek---“We will surely search for a groom who will allow your further studies or will allow you for job.”

---“So you want to get rid of me as soon as possible? Is that so?”

She scolded me---“Don’t talk like that. I am not getting rid of you.”

I gathered all my courage to fight for a last time. I had my back on the wall, I had nothing to lose then.

---“You know very well that I have nowhere to go. I do not want to marry now. I want to go back to my native place.”

Her voice burned---“You can’t go back. Who will look after you, your brother’s? No, they have their own families to look after. Even they will try to get rid of you. You know very well about the intentions of Indrani and Shasanko.”

I gave a helpless look at her “Are you emotionally blackmailing me?” I said to her that I need some time to think.

She said that she had already advertised in the leading newspapers of Kolkata.

Someone poured boiling oil on my head then---“Don’t you feel to consult me for once?”

She kept her voice very calm---“What we are doing is for your better only, Paree. We know what will be good for you and what is bad for you.”

I took a deep breath and requested me to be left alone for some time.

I sat cowered on the bed, resting my face on my knees looked out of the window. The sky was gloom. Monsoon was still then lingering on the sky of Kolkata. I lost all my hopes, as there was no communication from him till then.

Every evening there were numerous calls. I observed that Babu and ChotoMa were busy in noting all the information in a diary. I paid no heed to what all was happening. At times, they asked me as what type of groom I wanted in my life.



One day I said to them---“ChotoMa, I will repay your debt by doing my duty. I am not your own blood and flesh and even after that, you have done a lot for me. But….”

They both looked at me and asked “What?”

I held my breath for few seconds and then said---“For once, can I go to the room in the second floor? I want the key.”

They were taken aback by my request. They looked at each other’s face.

Babu said to me in his roaring voice---“No. You cannot go to that room. That is locked forever.”

I gave a displeased look at them and said to them---“If you are so adamant in marrying me off, then why are you searching so much? Just get anyone and I will marry.”

I slammed the door behind me. My brain was burning in angst and pain.

I cursed him with all worst words I could think of that day “He is treacherous. He does not have a heart in his chest. He is a lost soul.”

I was awake on my bed, looking outside the window. I was unable to sleep. There was a huge vacuum inside my heart. Nothing was able to fill that vacuum. I rubbed my bosoms, my cleavage to douse the pain. But every time I touched myself, the pain grew stronger.



It was probably midnight; I heard a soft knock on my door.

I got up, opened the door, and was surprised to see ChotoMa standing at the door.

She handed me the key of his room on the second floor and looked at me with her painful eyes. Her eyes were glistening.

She wiped few drops of tears from the corner of her eyes and said in a low voice---“Go. But I want a positive answer in the morning.”

I nodded my head and took the key from her hand.

I tip-toed to the room in the second floor. I took a deep breath to control a turbulent wave that was brewing inside my chest. I bit my lower lips as I anticipated that when I will open the door he would be standing in front of me. I unlocked the key and pushed open the door. The room was closed for two long years. Not even air was allowed to dwell in that room. The turbulence reached my throat and my chest shook like a candle flame.

There was stench odour in the room. I found a dead rat under the table. There was dust all over his reading table, over his bed. The bed sheet was not changed in last two years. I found lizards and rats goo strewn all over his bed. The side-stands of the bed were covered with the cobwebs.

I pushed opened the windows.

I dusted the chair and sat beside the window. I clenched my fist and bit my fingers between my teeth. My eyes got soaked. I wiped that aqua drop from the corner of my eyes. “I don’t want to cry.” I told to myself. The day before that fateful day, he was painting my portrait. I sat there in that very posture for quiet sometime. I looked inside the room. My eyes tried hard to search him whether he was still sketching my portrait or not. No, he was not there.

I opened the drawer of his table and found a small wooden box. I opened that box and found several small glass marbles in that box.

I looked around the room for one last time, closed the windows. I closed my eyes; a solitary drop of aqua trailed down my left cheek and soaked the tip of my nose. I locked the room. Burying all his reminiscences inside the room, behind me, I climbed down the stairs.

I came down and found that ChotoMa was sitting in the drawing room waiting for me.

I handed her the key and said to her---“I don’t have any choice. Wherever my fate takes me I will accept that.”



That night, once I was inside my room, I wrapped the “Optics Notebook” and the small Laughing Buddha that he presented me at Nako, in brown paper. I tied that packet with cello-tape and red ribbons. Then I searched for a cardboard box and packed that. I sealed that box with wax.



I told my ChotoMa that I wanted to visit Kalyani. She did not object.

I gave the packet to Kalyani.

She asked me as I handed her the box---“What is this?”

I looked at the box and said---“This contains some worthless materials. This contains his diary and a small present. These are now worthless for me. I do not have the courage to destroy that. If you can keep this then keep this or else you can destroy this. ChotoMa and Babu are searching for a groom for me. I will get married soon.”

She looked at me and yelled---“What are you doing? If he comes back, then?”

I shook my head in utter dismay---“After two years, you think he will come back for me? NO he is not coming back. He has forgotten that he loved someone. He has forgotten that someone is waiting for him. He ditched me. He is a coward, heartless fellow. He has forgotten that he has his parents who are also crying for him.”

She shook her head and looked at me with tears in her eyes. I did not have any tears in my eyes then. My ears were although burning in angst. My nose flared.

I asked her---“Why are you shedding your tears for an ill fated girl like me? You should not. You are going to be a good mother.”

She looked at me and said---“Paree…”

That name, choked my voice. I said to her---“Kalyani, Paree died long ago. It is Mita sitting in front of you.”

She touched my shoulder. That touch made my heart go meek in pain. I could not control myself anymore. I sobbed out as she pressed my head on her shoulder and rubbed my back.

I sobbed out repeatedly---“Paree died. She died that day he left me. She died again with my mother. I do not have enough life left to die. I will meet my fate, whatever it comes.”

I did not go to my house in my village that day. I returned the same day to Kolkata.

Before returning, I said to her with a painful smile---“I invite you in advance at my wedding.”

She rubbed her womb and said to me---“He is kicking. I don’t know whether I would be able to attend your wedding or not, but Dipankar will surely go.”

I passed my days as a lifeless corpse. I forgot to smile, I forgot to laugh.



Few days after that, ChotoMa said to me that they have to attend a wedding and I had to accompany with them.

I understood that they want to arrange an acquaintance with some prospective groom. She asked me to dress in my turquoise coloured silk saree. She asked me to dress beautifully.

I could understand as what all was going to happen so I did not objected to what all they asked me to do.



That day after a long time, I felt to dress. I felt that I should wipe out my fears, my pain my angst, and lead a new life. I said to myself “Why should I wait for someone who has not thought of about my pains.”

I dressed in my beautiful saree, with short-sleeved blouse of same color. The saree had silver and white embroidery all over the upper loose end that covered my front part. I tied my hair in plaids. It was long enough to touch below my spine. I glued a light blue and dark blue dot between my whip like brows and painted my rosy lips under dark tan lip colour. I applied black eye pencil under my eyes and shaped up my long eye lashes. I took out those long gold earrings, which ChotoMa bought few weeks ago for my wedding. I tied the heavy gold necklace around my neck that ChotoMa presented me when she first met me at Subroto’s wedding. Few turquoise and white bangles adorned my thin right creamy wrist. On the left, I tied the titan watch.

I took a deep breath and looked myself in the mirror.

I smiled on myself---“Suchismita, you are looking very beautiful.”

That day, I felt to make him jealous. That day, no one touched my shoulder or complimented me.

As I walked out of room, ChotoMa and Babu looked at me and smiled.

---“You are looking very beautiful.”

I smiled back and said---“Can we go now? I know the reason very well, ChotoMa. I am twenty-eight and I have brain in my cranium.”

She smiled and shook her head---“Whatever I am doing I am doing for your good only, Paree.”

I was about to say to her “Paree died, ChotoMa. The person standing in front of you is Suchismita.”

But I restrained myself.



At the gathering, I was always by side of her as I was unknown to all the people there. It was wedding of one relative of Babu.

As we entered, many persons turned their face towards me. Most of the males were giving a courtesy smile by looking at me. I smiled back at them.

I was introduced to the bride and the groom. I wished the bride for her well being.

I was left alone after sometime, so I sat on a chair on the balcony, looking up the dark night sky.

Durga Puja was near. The sky was bereft of rain clouds. There were stars twinkling. As I had nothing to do so I started counting the stars to kill my time.



My counting was broken as I heard someone to cough near me.

I looked up to find as who was there.

I saw a handsome person, probably of my age. He was tall, clean shaven. His jaws were strong. He was wearing a brown suit. From his built, I could fathom that he was a strong bodied person with muscular figure.

He looked at me and joined his palms to express courtesy to me.

I stood up and returned back his courtesy by joining my hands. I felt bit uncomfortable by his sudden presence.

His voice was very masculine as he talked---“I am Niladri Karmakar.”

I hesitated little and then smiled back at him---“Suchismita.”

He nodded his head and said---“I know that. Your Mom said to me.”

“My Mom?” I thought at first and then I was clear as he pointed to ChotoMa.

I looked at ChotoMa, who was standing at a distance talking to some aged person.

He continued---“My brother is manager in Jhamadoba colliery near to Dhanbad. Do you know Dhanbad?”

I nodded my head---“Yes I have heard of Dhanbad.”

He pointed to the person talking to ChotoMa---“That is my father, Kamalesh Karmakar. He is very renowned coal contractor in Dhanbad.”

---“My brother’s name is Himadri. He passed out from ISM Dhanbad. You know ISM, Indian School of Mines?”

I nodded my head again “Yes”.

He continued---“You have done M.Sc. in physics. Right? My brother also is very bright. He is mining engineer. He passed out in nineteen-ninety-five.”

I calculated his brother’s age in my mind he must be thirty-two years of age. Same time I thought, “Why he was talking about his brother instead of himself.”

He then asked me to sit on the chair and then he lit a cigarette.

He said then---“My father is looking for a beautiful bride for him.”

I smiled to myself “Oh! No, so all these were for your brother?”

He probably understood why I laughed---“No, no, no. I am only twenty-eight years old. I might be of same age as of yours.”

We both laughed out as he found my face turning red in shame. I looked the other way to hide my coy face.

He joked at me---“So, what do I call you? Suchismita Boudi is a very long name to call.”

I could not stop laughing. I joked at him---“I am still not your Boudi.”

He pointed out to ChotoMa and his father and said---“The way they are talking to each other. I am sure they want to finalize your marriage in the same fire here.”

I was feeling very light hearted. I was enjoying the way he spoke.

I asked---“Where is your brother?”

He slapped his forehead---“Work, work and work. He should have seen you. I am sure he will forget his work then.”

Again, it was my turn to hide my coy face. I bit my lower rosy soft lips to control my brewing smile.

He bent towards me and looked at my smiling face and said---“My brother is surely going to die.”

I felt bit uncomfortable by his over friendly actions.

I turned back to see what ChotoMa was doing. I saw that they were standing just behind us.

ChotoMa signed me to touch that aged man’s feet. I bent down to touch his feet to express my regards.

He touched my head and said---“I was looking for a Lakshmi for long time. I think my search is complete now.”

I looked down, to my feet to hide my pains which came in my eyes.

I told to myself “So this is fate. I am getting married at last. Total unknown horizon beckons me.”

That person told to ChotoMa---“It would have been better if Himadri would have been here. We have to come again to see my daughter-in-law.”

ChotoMa asked him---“This time please bring your wife along.”

Babu came near us and took away Niladri and Niladri’s father along with him.

ChotoMa touched my chin and said to me---“He is a nice person. His son, Himadri is an engineer.”

I looked at ChotoMa’s face and gave a faint smile “So you have at last find a way to get rid of me.”

Before leaving the venue, Niladri came to me and said to me---“We are coming next Sunday. I am sure that you will be my Boudi.”

I smiled softly at him and looked the other way. In reality I was unperturbed of what all was happening around me. Everything seemed fake. All those smiles I gave all those happiness I showed.



After we came back, Babu told to me that they would come on next Sunday to finalise the dates.

I nodded my head and said---“Is there any need to get acquainted with the person I am marrying?”

---“Sure, you must get acquainted with the person.”

“I am already a pain to you” instead I said---“If you are all happy then I need not know, with whom I am getting married. Just tell me that on this day, I have to sit there in front of the sacrament pyre. I will oblige to every order.” My voice was cold and unperturbed.

ChotoMa said in a painful voice---“Please, Paree. At least don’t behave like this on that day.”

I clenched my jaws---“Leave me alone.” I slammed the door behind me.



The fateful Sunday arrived. As usual, I bathed in morning and dressed in a simple blue salwar kurta. It was morning ten o’clock. I was in the kitchen preparing lunch. Several dishes were prepared. ChotoMa helped me to prepare. Tiger prawns, fried rice and many more. While preparing those dishes for a single moment I told to myself “He was a simple fellow, with simple choice of food. Pulses and rice would contend him very much.”

The door bell ranged. Babu went to open the door. ChotoMa came into kitchen and asked me to wear saree.

I said to her---“If they choose me, then they would choose me not for my dress. I am not going to wear saree and sit there like a doll.”

She scolded me in a deep voice---“Go and change now.”

I clenched my jaws and walked to my room. I saw a middle aged woman in the dining room.

She looked at me and said in a soothing voice---“You don’t need to change. You are ok in what you are.”

ChotoMa signed me to touch her feet. I stooped to touch her feet.

She placed her palm on my head and said---“Just like I wanted.” She asked me to come along with her to the drawing room.



I looked at ChotoMa and said to her---“I need a moment.”

ChotoMa gave a displease look at me and said---“Don’t be late.” She came near me and whispered in my ears---“Don’t let us down, Paree.”

I nodded my head and assured her that “I won’t let you down.” Instead of my room, I went into the restroom and looked my face in the mirror.

My reflection said to me “So there you are at last. Smile and embrace what is coming to you.”

I said to my reflection, “This is a lifeless frame, who is doing her duty.”



I entered the drawing room and looked at Himadri. That day Niladri did not come. There was his parents and the groom with whom my fate was to get bounded for life time.

I joined my palms and offered my courtesy to Himadri. He stood up and joined his hands back.

In a fraction of seconds, I measured that Himadri was just few inches taller than me. If he walk beside me then I would look taller than him. I lost few pounds then.

He was dark brown in complexion. Probably his work nature had made his skin tanned. Front part of his head was bald. He had a thick moustache, black lips. His nose was wide, not chiseled as him. His tummy was slightly protruding out between the open blazers.

I sat on the opposite couch. His father asked few questions about my studies and about my families. I answered them quietly.

Then he said to ChotoMa---“We are looking for a homemaker.”

He asked me---“What do you want to do after marriage?”

I looked at ChotoMa and then at Himadri.

I pulled all my strength and spoke---“I always wanted to be a teacher.”

All the time Himadri was very calm and quiet. He was measuring me with his keen sharp eyes.

I gave a courtesy smile at him, without looking directly in his eyes.

Babu asked his father that they should leave us alone.



My heart started to beat louder, then. I felt that my chest would burst out and the blood would get spilled on the floor. My face turned red as I had to sit in front of a total unknown person like a ivory idol.

After they went out, there was a long silence in the room. I could hear my heart beat cutting the painful silence.

Himadri coughed to break the silence running between us and asked---“You passed out from Presidency this year?”

I nodded my head to say “Yes”.

---“Renowned college.”

I nodded again “Yes.”

I had my fist clenched, resting on my lap. I looked down to the centre table, on which I could see the reflection of his face. His eyes were fixated on my face.

---“Suchismita, is a long name. What should I call you?”

I felt not to answer that query, so I kept quiet.

His next sentence made me laugh---“What do you love to do except keeping silent?”

I bit my lower lips as my face turned red in coy. I looked at him directly with my big eyes.

He was smiling at me. Our eyes met for the first time.

He said to me---“Don’t take my father’s word seriously. I assure you that I will not oppose your ambition. I know some schools in Dhanbad where you will be able to teach Physics.”

I was very much relieved by hearing that.

I gave a grateful look at him and nodded my head “Thanks”.

He smiled at me and said---“Why don’t you say something about yourself? Niladri has told you about me, already. But I am still to hear something from your lips.”

I spoke calmly looking at my lap---“I have nothing to ask. If you have something to ask, you can ask me. I will try my best to satisfy you with my answers.”

I took a deep breath, there was no feelings running inside my brain. I sat there unfazed unperturbed.

He noticed my silent calm expressionless face. He looked at my face for a long time. Again, there was a long silence running between us.

I thought that I should say something---“I hope you will not leave before lunch.”

He bent forward and rested his elbow on his knees and his face came near me---“So you cook also?”

I gently nodded my head “Yes.”

---“Then I will surely not leave before lunch.”

I liked his way of conversation.



I was praised for the lunch that I prepared. A fake smile was always on my face as I was requested by ChotoMa to behave well.

After they went away, I came to my room and sat on the bed. I looked outside the window. My mind was totally blank. I was unable to think of anything that time. My future was then like a barren desert, I did not know whether there would be oasis in that desert or not.

ChotoMa came and sat beside me. She asked me---“Do you like him or not?”

I was disturbed by her question, she already knew what I like and what not. Even after that she was asking me such question.

I gave a blank look at her and said---“If you all have made up your mind then what can I say.”

She said to me---“His father is a renowned person in Dhanbad. They are rich. He is engineer also. I had several other matches for you. IAS, IPS but I wanted that you at least do not go far away from me. Dhanbad is only six hours distance by train. You can visit me anytime. I can visit you anytime.”

I nodded my head---“It is ok.”

She touched my cheek and asked me to smile. I gave a faint painful smile at her to keep her request.



I came to know form ChotoMa that Himadri’s house was in Hirapur in Dhanbad. He lived with his parents. He had a younger brother Niladri who helps his father in his coal-contractor. His mother, Rajani Karmakar was a house-wife.



Maithili and Meghna were informed about my marriage.

My sacrament was fixed in mid of December on that year.

I called Kalyani one night to inform her about my marriage.

She was quiet for some time and then said to me---“I won’t be able to stand before your sniveled face. Dipankar will attend your wedding.”

I clenched my fist and softly banged my forehead and sobbed out---“Who can stand before a girl’s fate? We are women, we have to sacrifice. We were born to get sacrificed.”

She kept the phone.

I could not sleep that night. I did not shed any tears also.



Next morning, I was very much surprised to find Maithili in my house. When I woke up, I found her in the drawing room talking to ChotoMa.

She looked at me and pushed me inside my room.

She constricted her brows and asked---“What are you doing, Paree?”

I was bewildered by her gesture and gave a blank look at her. “What happened?”

She pulled my hand, pushed me on the bed, and asked---“You are marrying, what about him?”

I looked down and gently scratched the bed-sheet---“What else can I do?”

She pulled up my face. My eyes were already dripping painful tears.

She pulled my face on her bosom and said---“Tell me where he is. I will arrange everything. You go away. I will handle whatever happens here.”

I shook my head and sobbed---“I have no place to go, Churni. He has ditched me.”

She wiped my tears and said---“Don’t ever say those words that you have no place to go. I am always with you, Paree. Whatever be it happens. But I am helpless like you. Indrani Di, Chandrani Di and your brothers, they think that what Ulupi Di is doing is good for you.”

For the first time, I saw her eyes glistening with love and pain simultaneously.

I threw my arms around her waist and sobbed out---“My Mother is no more. He has not contacted me still. I do not know where he is or how he is. I have no place to go, Churni. His fairy has surrendered to her fate.”



______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143

Chapter 2: Sacrament Flames


-----------------------------------

From the first week of November, I sensed the rumble building up in the house. I started to count my days left in that ivory cage. Same time I was unable to console myself that I was getting freed. I was unaware in every sense as what type of horizon beckons me.


One night Himadri called me on my mobile.


---“How are you, Suchi? Have you slept already?”

I got a new name, “Suchi”, for my in-laws.

I answered---“No. I was about to goto bed.”

He hesitated for a moment and asked me---“Can we meet this Sunday?”

---“You will come from Dhanbad to here?”

---“What is the harm? I have few unanswered queries. Just need to clear with you and also we need to understand each other. Right Suchi? A single acquaintance does not speak volumes.”

---“Why don’t you come to my house then? ChotoMa and Babu will also be happy.”

He joked at me---“Feeling insecure?”

I was unfazed on his reactions---“No. But I have to ask ChotoMa.”

---“No need of that, I have already talked to her. She will let you go. I will come to your house and then we can go out somewhere.”

I answered---“If you have already taken the permission, then there is no need to ask me. You have not asked me whether I would like to go or not.”

Probably my answer offended him a bit. I also felt that the answer was little rude.

I apologized to him---“Sorry. I was bit rude.”

---“Come on, Suchi. Don’t be so formal.”



On that Sunday, he took me out. I was in blue salwar suit. I dressed myself in total simplicity. Without any heavy makeup, I tied my hair in a soft bun. He was in a pair of blue denim and a white shirt.

We were sitting Aheli in Peerless Inn.

He asked me---“ChotoMa is your cousin sister, right?”

I nodded my head “Yes”

---“So why do you call her ChotoMa?”

---“She is like my mother.”

He nodded his head “Ok. I have to tell you something about me”

I looked at him and constricted my brows. I was skeptical as what was he going to divulge.

---“I drink a little and smoke also.”

“Ok” I nodded my head. “I think that is due to your work pressure.”

He smiled at me and said---“You understand everything.”

I smiled back at him.

---“Where would you like to go after our marriage? I have heard that you love hill station, so would where would like to go?”

I spoke softly---“No I don’t love hill-station. My head aches due to the serpentine narrow roads.”

I lied to him, I did not want to go to any hill-station, and the hills would remind me of my lost Unicorn.

“Ok then we will goto Andaman then” he smiled. “I was also thinking of going to Andaman for a long time.”

He paused a bit and then asked a question.

He asked---“Your ChotoMa has a son. Where is he? Is he going to attend your wedding?”

His query shook the root of my heart. I clenched my fist under the table so as the emotions do not overcome my smiling face.

I looked down to the plate and shook my head “I do not know.”

---“Ok. By the way what colour would you suggest for a car?”

I was surprised by his question. He looked in my face and asked me again.

I asked---“You are buying a new car?”

---“Yes I am. Maruti Baleno.”

I understood from the sly smile that the car was a dowry, given to him to buy my security. A thick stream of blood raced to my head. My nose flared up.

I said to myself “What all debt I have to bore on this small painful heart.”

I told him that I was not feeling well and I would like to return.

He obliged to my request and took me back.

After he left, ChotoMa and Babu called me in their room. There was file opened in front of him.

He showed me few papers and said---“These are some papers.”

He handed me a account book and said that---“It contains some bank balance in your name, which your mother deposited for you.”

He then handed me few fixed deposit papers and said---“Your property share has been sold of seven lakhs rupees. I have added more three lakhs and that make it a total of ten lakhs rupees.”

I sat on the bed and looked at those papers and then I asked to ChotoMa---“Are you giving a car in dowry?”

ChotoMa looked at me and asked---“Who told you?”

“Tell me the answer. Are you giving a car or not? Is that car is the price of my security?” My voice sounded very stern when I asked them.

Babu spoke in a persuading voice---“Paree, it is not a dowry. We had to gift you something special as we looked after you as our own. I thought that why not a car. Half of which he is going to take loan from his office.”

“What more burden of debt you all are going to put over my shoulder?” I spoke in a cold voice.

ChotoMa rubbed her palm on my head. I was very uncomfortable at that moment.

I yelled out at her---“Leave me. Do whatever you want, whatever you like. No need to consult me or ask me even.”

Few days after that, Himadri and Niladri came to our house. We all went to a Maruti Suzuki showroom in Park street. Himadri asked me as what colour would I prefer for my car. A Maruti Baleno was to be presented to Himadri. “Present or price for my security?”

I smiled and said---“I have no choice of colours. Whatever you feel better, you can have that.”

He hugged me gently by my shoulder and said---“Come on! Suchi. White or black? Black is better.”

Niladri said---“White is good, but the scratches will be easily noticed. Lets prefer the steel colour.”

He looked at me and said---“After all Boudi’s choice has to be preferred. What is your choice?”

I nodded my head like a timid girl and gave my acknowledgement for the black colour, so as not to hurt Himadri. His gaze was expressing that I should choose black, whatever be it in my mind.



On second week of November, Maithili arrived at our house.

She stayed by my side till the moment I sat before the sacrament pyre and I was “Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar”.

Shopping was on its full fledged mode. I did not accompany in any occasion of those shopping. Only once, I accompanied ChotoMa when she went to buy the red “Benarasi” saree. ChotoMa and Maithili did most of the shopping. I kept myself busy with the house chores and reading books. I could not think of anything. Most of the time my mind went blank.

I called Teesta and Delisha and informed them that I was getting married. They were very happy to hear that news.

One day Debobroto and Teesta arrived to my house. We all were sitting in my room, Maithili was also present.

Teesta asked me---“So at last our Mita is getting married.”

An unknown fear and pain wringed inside my chest.

Maithili looked at my face and answered to Teesta---“You are her friends, right.”

Teesta could not understand as what she meant to say. She nodded her head “Yes.”

Maithili gave a blank reply---“Nothing as such. Just asking”

One evening, ChotoMa and Babu called me to their room. They asked me to sit as they need to tell me something very important. I looked at them and was anxious as what would they say.

ChotoMa spoke---“Paree, we both know what we are doing for you. We have something to tell you as you will be stepping in a new realm of your life.”

I asked them---“What?”

ChotoMa said to me---“Just by meeting for few days, we cannot know how a person is or how the family is. This is the truth. Everyone has got a mask on their faces. As we keep on moving in our lives, we come to know about those persons.”

I was not clear as what they were trying to make me understand so I asked again---“Why are you telling these to me? I know that where I am going is a total new horizon for me. I will try my level best to cope with their family.”

She soothed my cheek and said---“Why I am telling these, is. Himadri works in a coal mine and stays with his parents. His father is a coal contractor. So it is hard to say how their mentality would be. But we all hope for the best. You have got a good bank balance and fixed deposits. Don’t divulge all those details, till you find a appropriate time. Understood?”

Tears almost engulfed my eyes. I looked at Babu and said---“You fixed my marriage and now you are saying that you are not sure as what type of family they are?”

I bit my lower lips and looked at ChotoMa and said to her---“What do you want me to do?”

She touched my palm and said---“Be quiet, don’t cry. After your marriage all I want that, you need to pester Himadri so that he can take a transfer to Kolkata in head office of Coal India Limited. You will be near me, in-front of me.”

I shook my head in dismay, clenched my jaws “ChotoMa, what are you doing? You have lost your son that does not mean that you can take away another son from his mother like this.”

She probably understood what I wanted to say---“Paree. Whatever I am saying is for your good only.”

I sobbed out---“ChotoMa, you know very well what was good for me. Please don’t hurt me more.”

Babu was unable to take anything more so he left the room.

ChotoMa took my face, her eyes were also hazy---“What you ask for, I can’t oblige that. That is a not done, Paree. Why don’t you try to understand? Everyone will curse me.”

I removed her hand from my face in angst and pain---“Please leave me.”

I walked out of the room, wiping my tears. My heart was paining.



Gradually the close relatives started pouring in. Indrani Di and her family arrived few days before my wedding. Chandrani Di also arrived with her family. Shasanko Da, Meghna and Dushtu also arrived.

The day Dushtu came, I was unable to meet his queer juvenile eyes. “Did he understood what was going inside my heart.”

He asked me once---“Abhi uncle is not coming?”

I ruffled his silky hair and shook my head “No.”

At last the d-day arrived. Monday, second week of December. The house was rumbling with guests.

A hall was booked for the wedding ceremony. A hotel was booked for the groom’s party.

The music of shenai was humming in the air all over the house. I was virtually pulled up from my bed in early morning. I was unable to open my eyes.

ChotoMa and few other elders came and said to me. That they would offer some puja and after that I won’t be able to take any food till the rituals are finished.

Maithili winked at me and assured me that she won’t keep me hungry that long. I gave a faint smile. Only she understood what was going through me.

In the morning, Niladri came with the turmeric paste from the groom’s house. The turmeric paste was to be applied on me as a part of the ritual.

My relatives were very much happy when they were applying the turmeric paste and sandal paste on me. Maithili gently rubbed the paste on my cheek and hid her eyes over my shoulder. One by one other ladies also applied the paste. I was taken for bath.

I came out from the bathroom in a turmeric yellow saree. ChotoMa looked at my face and touched my chin. ChotoMa came and made me wear a iron bangle, auspicious sign for every married woman. I walked inside my room slowly. I observed that Teesta and Delisha has also arrived. I smiled at them. Both were looking beautiful and was enjoying my wedding. They were unaware of my pains.

I went to the drawing room, once. The moment I stepped into the drawing room, my feet got nailed on the floor.

A huge painting was gracing the wall of the drawing room. ChotoMa was looking at the painting.

The painting was of the theme of Death of Socrates. Socrates was a great scholar, he was being given the hemlock venom by the guards of prison. With one hand he was accepting the hemlock venom and with the other he was explaining the philosophy to his students.

What a painting it was. I was dumbfounded as I saw the painting. I looked at the corner of the painting. The signature was of him. “Abhimanyu, dated nineteen-ninety-one”.

ChotoMa was missing her son very much. I understood that as she was wiping her eyes as she stood in front of the huge painting. I clenched my jaws and closed my eyes. Slowly I turned my back and I didn’t entered the drawing room.

Gradually the evening approached.



The beautician arrived. I was graced in the red Benarasi saree. The lady drew designs on my cheeks and forehead with sandal paste. My cheeks were embellished with roose. Lips were graced with red. Bluish eye shades on the eyelids. My hair was tied in a bun, graced by flowers and a thin red veil.

Maithili then bedecked me with heavy gold jewelries. Two long gold earrings were dangling from my earlobes. One by one heavy gold necklace were tied around my neck. She then put a pair of heavy gold bangles on my wrist. All the time I was looking at her face. She was also very silent. One by one some more bangles were put on. I felt a tremble inside my chest. My hands shook gently. She held my hand tightly in her clutch as she put the last bangle on my wrist.

She looked at my face, her nose flared up. Her chest shook, same as mine. My eyes went hazy as she looked in my eyes. I was unable to control my quivering lips. I bit my lower lips as she put the loose end of the saree, “aanchal”, over my head gently.

She touched my cheek and wiped the few drops from the corner of my eyes and smiled painfully at me. We both were alone in the room when she was gracing me up for the sacrament. For the whole time, we were silent. She knew very well that how helpless I was. She had lost her vocabulary then.

I looked at myself in the large mirror of the dressing table. There was a life-less beauty standing in front of the mirror with fake satisfaction smeared on her lips. Everyone was happy in that house except me. Every woman’s ultimate dream to get married was nothing but painful and full of thorns, for me.



There was a knock on the door. Maithili opened the door and I was surprised to find my eldest brother standing there.

He came into the room and looked at me from head to toe. He gently placed his soothing palm on my head and blessed me---“I am a poor brother, who has nothing to give you. So I just brought something for you.”

He handed me a piece of paper. I looked at that paper and asked him what was that.

He told me---“I have no one in this world. I was waiting for the day you get married. I have sold my share of property and this is the fixed deposit paper of seven lakhs.”

I could not control myself anymore.

I cried out---“NO…. I can’t take this. What about you? What are you going to do?”

He took out a small velvet box from his pocket and opened that. A beautiful diamond ring was twinkling inside.

He said to me---“I have sold all the gold jewelries of your Boudi and brought this for you. I am leaving the house and will goto Haridwar or Hrishikesh.”

I shook my head repeatedly---“You can’t leave me like this. No, you can’t leave me like this. No.”

It was not tears that were pouring from my eyes, it was the blood of my heart that came out.

Maithili pressed my head on her lap as I saw my elder brother for the last time. He walked out of the room wiping his tears.

I hugged Maithili’s waist with all my strength and cried out looking at the door---“Please don’t leave me Dada.”

Maithili didn’t let anyone to enter the room after that. She let those tears flow, she was also crying along with me.

She said in a quivering voice---“Paree, time has come.”

I heard ChotoMa’s voice from the other end---“Are you ready? We are getting late, Paree. Groom will arrive anytime. Hurry up.”

Maithili answered---“Give us some moment.” She looked at my face and then she wiped my tears.

Maithili wiped her eyes and said to me---“Paree we have to go.”



I slowly stood up. Looked around the room. I touched my bookshelf “Goodbye”. I touched my bed “Goodbye”. I touched my table where I finished my M.Sc. “Goodbye”.



ChotoMa came inside and looked at me from head to toe.

Her eyes were sniveled---“ShonaMa, you are looking very beautiful.”

I threw my arms around her neck, cried out---“Ma, forgive me.”

She rubbed my back and whispered in my ears---“Paree, you have to burn everything that is in your heart in the holy flames of sacrament before taking those seven steps.”

I gently nodded my head “Yes” and walked out of the room along with Teesta at one side and Maithili on another.



Delisha, Pushpanjali, Rajat, Debobroto Danish all were present and accompanied with me to the ritual place.

I sat on the dais. Every relatives came to greet me and wish me luck.

Debobroto came to me along with Teesta. Teesta was wearing a beautiful pink saree and she dressed according to the occasion. That was her best friend’s wedding.

I smiled on seeing her jovial face---“So you and Debobroto are going on well.”

Hearing that her face became red---“He is very naughty.”

“Hmmmm…….” I could not stop laughing at her.

Debobroto kneeled down before me and Teesta stood behind him. I gave a queer look at them as I could not understand as what was he or they going to do.

Debobroto took my hands, his lips quivered a bit---“Mita, please don’t forget us. I got what I wanted just because of you. Our life is indebt to you.”

Teesta bit her lower lips and sobbed out---“I was a very bad girl. It was your words in that Globe cinema changed my life.”

She threw her arms around my neck and sobbed out---“Please don’t forget us.”

I gently patted their back and lovingly shook my head---“Totally insane emotional peoples. How can I forget you two? Don’t talk about that. I will definitely come during your marriage.”

Delisha and Danish was standing behind them.

Danish screamed out---“Apa, what about me? You have forgotten me, Apa?”

I called him also to my side---“Oh! come on. I assure all of you that Dhanbad is not out of India. Wherever I will be, I will definitely attend your wedding.”

Indrani Di came to me---“You never visited my house in Mumbai. This time come with your husband.”

“Sure, I will” I nodded my head showing a fake smile on my lips.

Niladri came and whispered in my ears---“Boudi you are looking very beautiful.”

I smiled back at him.



My eyes searched for my eldest brother. He was nowhere. I asked Maithili as where he was. She told me that Sumanto Da has gone away, his train was at that night. He did not even waited for the rituals of his youngest sister’s marriage to get completed. Did he sensed the actual truth of his little cute sister’s heart? I would never know the reason why he left.

Dipankar came to me.

I asked him---“How is Kalyani?”

“Do you want to talk to her?” he called Kalyani and handed me the mobile. I was unable to speak.

My chest rumbled, it shook like a small twig---“How are you?”

She heard the silent sobs from the receiver and she said---“Keep the phone. I won’t talk to you again.”

I gently wiped the corner of my eyes and handed the phone to Dipankar. I told to myself “I am helpless, Kalyani.”



I wanted to stop the time forever, but alas, time and tide waits for none.

The night was getting darker.

ChotoMa came to me and said---“ShonaMa, time has come.”

She called Shasanko Da and Subroto Da to carry me on the wooden plank to the ritual place. Debobroto and Danish was on front two corners of the wooden plank. My brothers were on other corners. They made me sat on the wooden plank and carried me to the place, where Himadri was standing.

A huge rumble rose in the whole hall as the bride approached. All the noise were very disturbing for me. Even after that I had to keep smiling like a Japanese doll.

I garlanded him and then he garlanded me. I looked in his eyes. His eyes were flashing with some victorious smile. I could not hide my smile on seeing his face. I smiled back.



I saw Babu sitting at the main ritual place, along with the priests. He sat there to perform my “Kanyadan”. Since morning I have not seen him near me. I looked at him before sitting opposite to Himadri, in front of the brass “kalash”. He silently wiped the corner of his eyes as he handed my right hand on Himadri’s left.

The priests were reading the shlokas and hymns of marriage. Everything sounded very mechanical to my ears.

The rituals went on. Maithili tied the loose end of my red Benarasi saree with the white Dhuti of Himadri.



Then the decisive moment arrived. I had to take the seven steps along with Himadri. I closed my eyes before getting up from my seat. Looked at ChotoMa and Maithili. They both smiled at me and gently nodded their head. With each step, I felt my past was burning in that flame.

After it was complete, Himadri dipped his ring in the small round container of red vermillion and smeared that on my centre part of hairdo.

The ring first touched my forehead and was rubbed till few inches upward. Forehead, the place he kissed was then graced with some other persons red vermillion. I never dreamt of that. Not a single speck of red vermillion fell on my nose. It was a lovely superstition that if the specks of red vermillion powder touches the nose tip of the bride, then the groom loves her very much.

Everyone in the crowd asked me to tilt my head so that few specks at least could drop on my nose tip. I laughed at them and gently bent my head forward, even after that, not a single speck dropped on my nose tip.

Maithili shouted to all persons over there---“Enough. She need not to shake her head like a cow.” Every person present there, thought that she was concerned about my tiredness of the long ritual. Only I knew, she was trying her level best to guard me from any type of pain. But she was also bounded by fate and who would hear her cry?

A solitary drop of aqua brewed in corner of my left eye. I stealthy wiped that drop. That drop of aqua was a mixture of pain and fear, angst and anonymity, vacuum and dark.

I asked my heart---“Am I happy? I don’t know. I am doing my duty to repay my debts of my foster parents.”

I bolted every bit of my dark past inside a box and threw it into the abyss of the ocean.



“Paree” was burning in the flames in front of me. “Mita” just left my side. It was “Suchi” who sat there in front of the sacrament flames with blank expressionless eyes and fake glimmer on the face.



______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143
Chapter 3: Cardinal Waves

--------------------------------

A new chapter of my life in a absolute unknown horizon was opened. I had to keep my pace according to my surroundings.

I told to myself on the first day “Love huh! Hard to find in this cruel world where everything is materialistic.” One thought that I was unable to come into terms that ChotoMa and Babu had bought my security by presenting a car in dowry.

Himadri was caring as all new husbands. I stayed very cold and calm in the first week after reception. He probably sensed that I was living in some fear and pain. He understood that due to some reason I was unable to open up. He did not delved into my privates till we were alone. He wanted all those fantasies to brew with understanding and love. My vacuum soul had some respite due to his soft rays of compassion.

On the first week of January, we went for our honeymoon.

ChotoMa and Babu came to airport to see-off.

On the plane Himadri asked me---“This is your first time on the plane?”

---“No, I have been to Delhi earlier.”

---“Ok. I thought this is first time. As you are looking very nervous.”

I smiled on myself “I was nervous due to the type of fantasies you are going to experiment.” My face became red and I looked the other way.

He rubbed his nose on my nape and whispered---“Your fragrance is making me insane, Suchi.”

Softly I placed my palm on his cheek and pushed away his face. I whispered---“Hey! This is plane. Don’t do like that here. Everyone is looking at us.”

He took my right palm and placed it on his cheek. I closed my eyes as my soft fingers got pressed on his raw cheek. He straightened up and whispered---“I am not cuddling any other’s wife? Am I?”

He smelled my fingers and I felt his warm breath on my fingers. All the pores of my left arm unfurled its petals.

I cooed out---“Himadri, please.”

“Ok honey.” He winked at me “The beach will catch fire….”

I could not hide my shy smile so I looked out of the window.

The resort was near to the airport, beside the famous Corbyns Cove beach. A cottage was booked for us.

We reached our resort by noon. The sunshine was very sweet. The weather was amorous, neither warm nor chilled. The winds were blowing from the sea. All the cottages were sea facing and it was east side.

I went near the huge glass window and pushed open the panes. I was wearing a blue chiffon saree and my long tress suddenly flew due to gush of wind that came from the sea. The waves were crushing on the seashore on the sparkling yellow sands. The white froths crushed on the shore and the swoosh sound made me weak. The amorous wind tried to unlock few moments but I kept myself contained and leaned over the window to devour the beauty of the sea and sand.

The beach was of “U” shape and on the northern corner a small island could be seen. Huge trees were all over the sides of the beach.

Suddenly I felt warm breath on my shoulder. I closed my eyes as Himadri placed his arms around my bare tummy and held me in his tight embrace. He gently nibbled the back of my head with his nose and took a deep breath. I held his hands tightly as I felt his nose tip on the back of my head. I tilted my head back as his nose grazed over my nape down to my bare shoulder.

Goosebumps awakened all over my neck. My face became warm by the friction of his strong fingers grazing and kneading my tummy. His teeth came near the broach on my blouse and he nibbled the round of my shoulder. His wanton bites made me jelly.

With a sudden thrust he turned me towards him and his lips crushed on mine. I placed my palms on his chest and felt that his chest was bare. His heartbeats thumped on my soft palm. His roughness made the depressed sullen fairy to unfurl unwillingly.

He scooped me and threw me roughly on the bed and came on me. Even before I could gather myself up, my dress was lying on the wooden floor. The moment he rushed in my domain, I bit my lower lips and closed my eyes. A tiny drop of liquid pearl drenched my eyelash.

A sweet and torrid way to love and that was Himadri. A strong rough coarse mountain under the soft white snow.

Himadri brought out a sky blue knee length sheer sleeveless frock. The moment I saw that sheer negligee on his hand, my face became red and turned my face away to hide my blush.

He came near me and asked---“I bought this for you. Don’t you like it?”

I nodded my head---“Yes it is beautiful.” I took that from his hand and went inside the bathroom. There was a lustful grin on his face as he observed my shyness smeared all over my face.

I came out after taking my bath in that dress that he presented. The cool breeze coming from the window drenched me in sweat of some unknown turbulence. Himadri changed himself to a Bermuda shorts and a sleeveless vest.

He came near me and took my face between his palms. He whispered in my ears---“You are looking gorgeous, Suchi.”

I looked pale as I heard him say those words. My eyes suddenly turned hazy.

He patted gently on my back and asked me “What happened Suchi? I am here.”

I wiped my tears and looked at him. I exhaled a deep gush out of my chest and smiled---“Nothing Himadri. I was just ….”

I could not even finish my sentence, he cut short that sentence with a deep kiss on my lips.

He broke his kiss after a long time. My whole figure was shaking as his fingers traced every contours of my curvaceous figure. I wrapped my arms around his neck.

He took my hand and asked me---“Lets us walk on the beach.”

I was taken aback by his suggestion. I screamed out---“WHAT? You want me to go out like this? No Himadri.”

He pleaded and pulled me by my hand---“Come On Suchi. We came here for our honeymoon.”

I got annoyed---“But that does not mean that I will go out in this sheer negligee, Himadri.”

He almost pulled me out on the balcony---“You beauty is simply irresistible. See out on the beach, who is there wearing full dress?”

I clenched my right fist. I was about to break in tears---“You know my nature Himadri.”



He clenched his jaws and gave a pleading look at my face. He let my hand go and walked silently in the room. After sometime he came out with a sarong and asked me to wrap around my waist.

“Now is that ok for you?” He smiled at me.

I nodded my head and smiled---“You won’t buzz from your nature.”

He made a naughty face and gestured me to walk along with him. Unwillingly at first, I stepped out. The cool breeze caressed my bare arms and my warm face. He put his left arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. The fine grains of sand felt awesome under my bare feet. At times the waves crushed near my feet. That was the first time I was on a sea beach. I looked around those tall coconut and palm trees.

We walked till the end of the beach. The sun went down on my left. The sky was painted with golden yellow and orange stokes of pastel paint. The breeze suddenly shook me. Himadri felt my turbulence and looked at me.

---“What happened?”

“Nothing….” I looked down and answered. The humid breeze brought some humid memoirs in my soul. I bit my lips hard to douse the memoirs.

He asked me to sit down on the beach and I obeyed him.

He looked at my cold face and asked---“You are very timid and shy in nature. Were you like this from the beginning?”

I nodded my head “Yes”

Only my heart knew “No, I was a vibrant girl. I was a puerile fairy of my unicorn. Oh! No what I was thinking. This is not done. I should not do this.”

He lied down on the beach on his back. I sat cowered with my knees folded and arms resting across my knees. My chin rested on my knees and I looked towards the infinite sea. The horizon looked very calm.

He spoke after a long time---“I am bit rough in nature. Is not it Suchi?”

I looked at his face trying to fathom as what does he want to say.

He turned towards me and said---“Most of the time I stay along with the workers and low class people. To tame them, they only understand the cane. They understand slang language. I had to use foul language always.”

He touched my bare right arm and traced my soft skin till my shoulder. It send a sweet tingle down my spine.

---“You know, I am very arrogant. I am very stern. I love myself a lot. I can’t take no for any answer. If any one denies me, then blood gushes in my brain.”

I exhaled a deep breath out of my chest and said---“I will try my best not to make you angry.”

He kissed the round of my right shoulder and whispered---“I know you will.”

“Women are like water, they take the shape of the tumbler in which it is poured.” I didn’t said those words to him, instead---“Himadri, change is evitable in this world. The only constant thing in this world is change.”

I smiled at him and said---“You are engineer and I am a physics student, so we both know about Quantum mechanics.”

He laughed out and patted my cheeks---“My darling. Can you think of something else other than physics?”

I constricted my nose---“If I say no, then?”

He suddenly pinned me down on the sand and came on me out in the open---“Then you know….”

I patted his cheek and whispered---“Let me go. Not in the open.”

He kissed me sweetly and stood up.

We walked towards the cottage, arms in arms. I pointed to the solitary island on the north side of the beach---“Will we visit that island?”

He looked back over his shoulder to the island and said---“If time permits.”

He then grinned at me and danced his brows. I understood the meaning and turned my face away to hide my coy face.

After sometime I asked him---“Himadri, you promised me that you will allow me to do a job.”

He stopped and looked at me---“Why do you want a job? There is no need of that.”

I turned my face away from him---“You promised me Himadri.”

“Suchi, my dad is very strict person. He won’t allow his daughter-in-law to go out and work.” he spoke calmly.

I looked over my shoulder so as to fathom as who was talking, was it Himadri or my father-in-law.

From his writhing pleading eyes, I understood that it was my father-in-law who was speaking.

I shook my head in dismay and bit my lower lips “My dream, my ambition is drowning beneath the horizon of the Bay-of-Bengal.”

I folded my arms across my chest and walked towards the cottage, leaving Himadri behind. He stood perplexed on the beach, alone and helpless. The evening was dark. I felt “How alone we are in this world.”



Before the dinner, he asked me---“What do you like for dinner? Seafood is ok for you?”

I gave a soft smile at him said---“I haven’t tasted sea-food. I am from village, you know that very well. I would like to have plain Indian food preferably Bengali ones are better.”

He didn’t wait for my sentence to finish, he picked up the phone and ordered for crab.

We sat on the balcony looking towards the sea.

He asked me---“I am really at my wits end that how can a beautiful lady be so calm and quiet.”

I smiled at him---“Why? What type of girl you liked?”

He joked---“I wanted a jovial lady in my life. Your eyes and your smile captured me.”

I laughed at him and said---“See I am laughing, now satisfied.”

He shook his head---“You are too much, Suchi.”

Again there was a silence between us.

“Suchi” he spoke up “I have a question?”

---“What?”

He took a deep breath---“Your ChotoMa has a son. He was not present at our wedding. Where is he?”

I closed my eyes and an impetuous chill ran through my frame.

I answered very calmly---“I don’t know.”

He was surprised by my answer---“You don’t know? How can that be? I asked your ChotoMa about Abhimanyu. They also didn’t give proper answer. Is he alright? I mean what happened to him?”

My chest trembled and a huge torrential wave brewed inside my heart. I clenched my jaws. In that low light probably he didn’t noticed my facial tension.

Somehow I restrained myself from breakdown and answered---“Last information I had, he was in New Delhi. I don’t know anything more than that.”

---“You two must be very close. What type of person he would be that he didn’t attend our wedding? I asked your younger sister-in-law, Maithili also. She also averted my query.”

Lighting flashed in my head “We are not very close. We are two bodies one soul. My heart used to pump in his chest and his still pumps in mine. You won’t understand. I don’t know where he is. My fate, his fate and the cruel world brought me on your lap.”

Instead I queried him---“Why are you asking me these? You could have asked ChotoMa.”



Just then there was a knock on the door.

He got up and I felt relieved. A huge boulder just got off my chest. I was on the verge of break down and the room service was my savior. I wiped my eyes and gathered myself up from the balcony. The room service served the dinner.

I looked at the red Australian crab on the white china plate. As it was looking at me.

I smiled at Himadri and asked him---“How to break this and eat?”

He laughed at me and said---“Wait. There are pliers and stick.”

I made an annoying face by twitching my lips---“Eeeeeee….. we have to poke inside that crab?”

He laughed at me---“Yes dear.”

He broke the shell and the smell of the crab flesh made me dizzy. I felt a lump pushing in my throat.

He looked at me and asked---“What happened?”

I somehow controlled myself so as not to bother him---“Nothing. I am ok.”

He mixed some red wine and scooped with spoon and placed near my lips. He signed me to take that.

The odour of the crab and mixed with wine made me feel dizzy. I felt strange sensation in my head. In spite of all those, I took the food from the spoon. As it went in my throat, my whole body shook.

I somehow finished the dinner. He asked me all the time as how was the food. I nodded my head to express that it was good. Last of all I could not control my uneasiness and went inside the restroom and vomited. Himadri got tensed as he found me vomiting. He rushed to the restroom and poured water on my face and head.

His voice was tensed---“Are you Ok? You could have told me that you don’t like crabs. I would not have ordered then.”

I looked at him and said---“You already placed the order before I finished my sentence.”

“Sorry Suchi.” He hugged me from behind and rubbed his nose on my nape.

My head was spinning, I was too weak and I was about to fall down. His strong arms around me deterred me from falling down. He scooped me in his arms and lifted me to the bed. He laid me down on the bed and covered me with the bed-cover.

He sat beside me and asked politely---“Feeling ok?”

I nodded my head “Yes.”

I closed my eyes and tried to take rest.

After sometime I opened my eyes and found him sitting outside the cottage on the balcony with a bottle of liquor. I felt itching sensation on my skin. In the low light of the night lamp, I looked at my arms and chest. Rashes were all over my arms and chest.

I slept alone on the huge bed.

First night of my honeymoon. I was alone with my void soul on the bed and my husband was in the balcony with his bottle.

I was down with fever for next two days and we could not go out of the resort. I saw the tension in his eyes. He was very much concerned about me. He was feeling depressed and was continuously blaming himself for my ill-health. However, I felt that I ruined our honeymoon.

I asked him---“Himadri, you are angry upon me due to my fever?”

He looked at my face and said---“No, I am not angry upon you. I am disappointed with myself.”

I came near him and touched his hand---“Don’t feel sad, Himadri. Out journey has just started. Several crest and troughs are waiting in front of us.”

He looked painfully at my face---“Sometimes, it is very hard to understand you, Suchi. Your bewitching beauty has several hidden tales. Most of the time, your eyes are expressionless and that look haunts me.”

I laughed at him and joked---“My expressionless eyes? Didn’t that captured you, Himadri?”

He scooped me up from the bed and carried me to the balcony. I sat on his lap, hugging his neck with my arms. He held me tightly around my waist. I forgot all the pains, my heart bore.

I looked out to the infinite horizon of the emerald green and blue coloured sea. The waves and the white froth crushing on the yellow ochre sandy beach.

His fingers were kneading my soft tummy gently over my gown. His touches gave a tingling sensation on my tummy. He rubbed his head and face on my cushy bosoms. I was not wearing any innerwear, so the friction heated my bosoms up and I cooed softly---“Himadri…..”

He looked at my squint eyes and asked me---“What?”

I moaned---“Not here, Himadri.”

He hugged me tightly and pressed his head on my cleavage. He was still for quite some time, he did not moved a muscle.

He looked up to me and said---“Do you believe that life is a cycle?”

I gave a queer look at him and asked---“What does this mean?”

---“I mean to say that, do you believe that past catches up in one’s life?”

“I have a bitter past with broken heart and bleeding soul. I don’t know what happened to him. I don’t know why he did this to me. I don’t know even that who I am.” My question was “Has he come to know about my past? What will be his reaction if he comes to know about my bleeding soul?” I could not make things out from the look on his face.

I asked---“Why are you telling this?”

He looked at the horizon of the sea and said in a low voice---“I had an old flame during my college years. She cited the reason of caste and creed and our relation snapped. I persuaded her a lot, that cast and creed won’t hamper our relation. But, she was not willing to come in terms.”

My soul writhed and I cursed myself. I smiled to myself “What a pair of broken hearts the heaven has made. Should I divulge my soul to him or not?” However, some unknown magnetic force restrained me from divulging my extinct flames. The only thing I could think that time that “He has kept the flame burning inside his soul. My flames doused with the pyre of my mother and my sacrament.”

I ruffled his hairs with my soft fingers and said to him---“I will make that up, Himadri.”

He looked at me, his lips touched mine. He cooed out---“Promise, Suchi.”

His face turned hazy, due to my brewing eyes.

I took his face between my palms---“Promise.”

“Yes, I made that promise. It was half-heartedly. Why it was halfheartedly? I don’t know the reason.”



Next day morning, it was fourth day of our trip. I felt better. I was still in the bed. My sleep was broken by a soft jingle. I looked with my sleepy eyes. I found Himadri’s smiling face in front of me. He was sounding the cup of tea with the spoon and cooed in my ears---“Come on sleepy damsel. Time to get up.”

I pulled myself up and looked at my chest. The upper part of my night-dress was much below as where it should be. I pulled the bed-sheet till my chest and looked at him. He touched my forehead and felt my temperature.

---“No fever. So how are you feeling?”

I stretched my arms overhead. His lewd gaze on my bosom made me writhe in bed. With my squint eyes I scolded him softly---“Don’t look at your sleeping beauty, like that.”

He stooped forward and whispered---“Am I looking to some other’s wife darling?”

I pushed his face by his forehead---“I have to freshen myself up.”

“Hmmmm…. Surely. So where do you want to go today?” He asked me.

I glanced over my shoulder as I entered the restroom---“How come I know? You have brought me here.”

---“Cellular jail is the main attraction on Port Blair. After breakfast we are going there.”

I dressed up in a beautiful chiffon pink sari and sleeveless blouse as to comply his request. My bun was resting on my nape. He asked me to put some flowers in my bun, which I obeyed. I finished my gracing before the dressing table. He looked at me in the reflection and came behind me. Put his arms around my waist and pressed his lips on my shoulder.

---“Do we have to go to Cellular jail, darling?”

I tightened his embrace around me. I felt somewhat secured. I cooed in his ears---“We have the whole night at our disposal Himadri.”

He loosened his grip and said---“Ok.”



We entered the premises of the famous “Cellular jail” of Port Blair. Without visiting this place, the Andaman trip would have been incomplete, I felt. There were only three blocks each of three stories of cells present. The guide explained us that, all other blocks were destroyed due to natural calamities. During the British rule, our Indian freedom fighters were locked up in these cells. Those cells were small and dingy with only a small window at the top. The guide took us to the cell where Savarkar was jailed. The gate was three fold.

I looked at Himadri and asked---“How he fled from this cell?”

Himadri looked at me and joked---“Push me by the cliff, I will goto him and ask.”

I started to beat him---“Don’t ever joke at me like that.”

We observed that there were few inmates also present. I asked the guide as why there were inmates in the jail, if it was closed one.

He explained that, those were castaway fishermen from Burma.

The guide then showed us the museum where the whips and other torture tools were in displayed. There was a clay statue of a man chained on a nailed wooden block. I looked at his painful face and then looked at Himadri.

He looked at me and understood that I was unable to stand those sightings. He hugged me closely we came out.

By the evening we were in our cottage. I changed myself to a simple salwar and walked alone on the sandy beach. I looked over my shoulder, Himadri was reclining in the chair on the balcony sipping his favourite drink.

I came back after an hour.

He said to me---“Your ChotoMa called.”

I shrugged my shoulder---“What’s new.” And I walked inside the cottage.

---“Not that. She was concerned about your health and she asked us to return.”

I was astonished and angry---“WHAT? She has asked us to return?”

---“Yes. What is your opinion, Suchi?”

I looked at his face and came near him---“What do you want to do?”

He handed me the phone and asked me to call ChotoMa.

I asked him again as what he wanted. He answered---“I don’t want to offend your ChotoMa. Since you are not pulling well so I think it will be better that we return tomorrow.”

I called up ChotoMa---“How are you and Babu?”

---“We are fine. But I heard that you had fever?”

---“Yeah, just like that. All new places and sea water.”

She sounded cold---“ShonaMa, don’t lie at least. Himadri told me that it was due to the crab. You had rashes. I am concerned about you. Come back.”

I shook my head---“ChotoMa, you are too much concerned.”

---“Yes. A little bit. Give the phone to Himadri.”

I handed him the phone. They talked for some time and then asked me to pack the bags.



Last night in the cottage of our honeymoon. Himadri tossed me over and over again on the ridge of soft love and passionate embrace as we melted ourselves. I stitched my torn soul to mend it with what was at my disposal. I apprehended that I had to contended myself with the snowflakes that I had.

I rested my head on his broad chest and he was gently scratching my scalp.

He spoke in a low voice---“Suchi...”

I whispered---“Yes”

---“I have another request to make.”

---“Hmmmm…”

---“I don’t want to start a family early.”

I pulled up and rested on my elbow and looked at his face---“Why?”

---“We have married just now. I don’t want to start a family so early, Suchi.”

I asked him---“What if your parents coaxes us to start?”

---“I don’t have the answer but you have to cite some reason.”

I closed my eyes and lay down on the pillow---“I don’t know Himadri. I am too feeble to stand against anyone. If you can manage then make your parents apprehend if they coax for grandchild. Anything that will come in future I will not turn my face away from that.”



Just then the mobile rang. It was near Himadri so he answered.

---“No we haven’t slept yet. How come you are awake at this time?”

I turned towards him and asked as who has called. It was midnight. He handed me the phone, it was Maithili.

She asked me---“How are you doing, Dear?”

At first I was skeptical as I didn’t have the correct answer as how I was.

I looked at his face as he was looking at me and answered---“I am doing fine.”

I heard her giggle on the other end. I wrapped the gown around my torso and walked to the balcony.

---“Why have you called at this time?”

She answered---“Just like that, Paree. I only wanted to know as how you are doing.”

I pressed the phone with all my strength to my ear and stammered out---“I….. Am…… Doing …… Fine…. Churni…… Good Night………”



Return flight back to Kolkata. I was very quiet all along the journey. The unnatural silence was pinching hard on both of us. He probably understood something. I looked out the window. The blue sky and blue ocean beneath. One could not demarcate as where one has ended and the other started. Himadri touched my shoulder to bring me back.

He asked me---“Something wrong? Why are you so calm and quiet?”

I smiled at him as I felt a pain in my soul. The pain was, as if I was again being caged from one ivory chamber to another---“Nothing…”

---“I know what you are thinking.”

I constricted my brows and asked him---“What?”

He let out a deep breath---“Don’t worry about the job. I have already spoken to the Director of a school. They were searching for a Physics teacher. Indian School Of Learning. The school is situated in the ISM campus.”

I could not control my feelings, my eyes brewed and my lips quivered. I gave a grateful look at him. He took my face between his palms and with is thumbs, wiped the rolling tears from my cheeks.

He whispered---“I will persuade mom and dad.”

I felt like hugging him with all my strength but I restrained as we were in an airplane.



ChotoMa was there at the airport to greet us. I was surprised to see Niladri to be present to greet us. I ran towards ChotoMa and hugged her tightly. She kissed my head. I smiled at Niladri and exchanged courtesy pleasantries.

Himadri asked Niladri as how come he was there? He answered that my ChotoMa informed my in-laws about my ill-health so my father-in-law send him to take us back.

We all were in the drawing room after dinner. ChotoMa was asking about our trip. Himadri looked at the painting of “Death of Socrates” that Abhimanyu painted and that graced the wall of the drawing room. I looked at the painting and devoured the creativity for some time.

Himadri asked ChotoMa---“Abhimanyu did not attend our wedding?”

ChotoMa looked at me. I feigned that I had not heard as what they said. My gaze was still then locked on the painting.

ChotoMa answered---“He came two days ago. He left today morning citing some urgent work.”

Her answer made my ears burn as if someone has poured hot oil on it. I clenched my jaws and gave a fiery look at ChotoMa. My heart thumped loudly inside my chest as if it would burst out any moment. I closed my eyes while those lies poured in my ears.

She nodded her head and said---“Yes he came.”

Himadri looked at me and then at ChotoMa---“What type of person he is? He left without meeting us?”

---“He was asking about you. I told him that you have gone for your honeymoon. He was happy.”

He asked---“Suchi and Abhimanyu must be very close. Was his job that much important than her?”

ChotoMa looked at me and then answered to his query---“They were not so much close. He actually left home before she came here.”

Himadri nodded his head. What he understood I did not know---“But, he must have come in the last two years, right?”

I hissed out at ChotoMa---“Stop this. I am tired.” I looked at Himadri and asked him whether he want to rest or not.

I knew by my heart and soul that ChotoMa was telling lie, but I did not questioned her. I stood up and said that I wanted to rest.



I walked inside the bathroom and looked my face in the mirror. It was red. My nose tips flared and a painful gurgle brewed inside my chest. “Why I have to hear his name time and again. I want to forget him.” I splashed water on my face, but that was not enough to drench my stringent pain in my soul. I clenched my fist and thumped on my bosom, but the fire was not doused yet. I looked up again and straightened up myself. I said to myself “Enough Suchi. Stop thinking about him. You are now Mrs. Karmakar. Forget what you had and embrace what you have. He is your past and your future is with you. Love and live what you have got.”



I walked in my room. I looked at the bookshelf and my bed. Everything was graced for our arrival to welcome Mr. Himadri Karmakar and Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar.



______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
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12,057
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Chapter 4: Neoteric Vista


----------------------------

We started early morning from ChotoMa’s house. She was crying.

She hugged me on her bosom and whispered---“ShonaMa, be a good girl.” I was unable to control my tears also.

Himadri hugged me and gently ushered me in the car. He assured to ChotoMa that he would take care of her “daughter” like a pearl on a lotus leaf. I looked at the house. I looked at the window of the drawing room. Suddenly I felt that “Abhimanyu” was standing there. I smiled painfully and boarded the car.

We drove back to Dhanbad. It was a long drive of about seven hours. Niladri was driving and Himadri was beside me.

We reached the house. My new realm was waiting for me.



The house was in Hirapur, behind Durga Mandir. House was duplex. Not as large as my ChotoMa’s house. On the ground floor, there were two bedrooms, one kitchen and one huge drawing room. In one room, Niladri used to stay and one room was for us. There was a study in the ground floor, in which my father-in-law used to spend his time with his associates. He was a coal contractor. Due to that reason, our house was always filled up with lots of people. Mostly of which were rough and coarse in nature.

There was a worship-room in the first floor. I used to get up early in the morning, take bath, and finish my daily worship before entering the kitchen. That was my daily routine since my childhood days. Even when I was in Kolkata, not for a single day I missed my worship.



I came to know that my father-in-law and mother-in-law got married at a very early age. He was only twenty-three and she was just nineteen. Himadri was their first child.



ChotoMa and Babu paid for all the furniture for my room. It was bought without my consultation. It was bought my Himadri and Niladri. I came to know that Niladri opposed to buy those furniture. He suggested that since we have to live together so all those should be bought according to my choice. But later I came to know that it was my father-in-laws order that the furniture to be bought so that his daughter-in-law does not sleep in a simple cot on her first night.

One side of the wall of my room, there was a huge cupboard. I looked around my room and was contended.



A typical old mitigated mentality of my mother-in-law was unfurled gradually. Kitchen was her main domain. I was instructed that the males were to finish their dinner before she and I could sit for dinner. I cursed myself. Not in my native, place neither in my house in Kolkata, I was instructed with such dictation.

The day I first stepped into the kitchen, my mother-in-law explained me like a teacher. The cupboard had several small containers of the spices and cookeries all labeled. The sink was in one corner of the black marble top.

She said, pointed to five glasses (what was different in them I could not make out) and said to me---“Everyone in this house has their own glasses to drink. You should remember this.”



On the first day of his office, after our honeymoon. He was getting ready for his office. I was near the cupboard arranging his shirts and trousers. It was January and winter in Dhanbad was an extreme one. He wore a black pinstripe shirt over his pair of jeans. I was watching him with the corner of my eyes as he was glancing and giving me a sly smile all the time while buttoning his shirt.

After sometime, he came near me. I flinched my brows as I expected him to do some mischief with me. He pressed himself against my back and stretched out to take out something from the cabinet of the cupboard. The metallic nozzle froze me there. It was a pistol. I became stiff in fear. I was dumbfounded to see the weapon. Every pores of my skin rose. I shook in his arms. He deduced that I was caught by a sheer panic.

Slowly I turned towards him, engulfed within his embrace and looked at his face. He figured out from my pale face that I was very much agitated by seeing the weapon.

He spoke in a very calm voice as he tucked the weapon behind his back, in the belt of his jeans.

---“Suchi, don’t panic. This is what I wanted to tell you long ago but somehow I could not.”

My eyes were filled up with tears of angst. I yelled at him---“What is this Himu?”

He took my crying face between his palms and asked me to stop crying.

---“Please don’t look at me like that, Suchi. I will explain everything.”

---“What do you want to explain? It is like that I do not know you at all, Himu. Why you kept me in dark?”

He gently wiped my wet trails from my cheek and with a persuading voice---“Suchi, Suchi, Suchi. Try to understand……”

I yelled at him---“Understand what, Himu?”

He let out a deep breath out of his chest---“I am a manager of a coal mine. To work in a coal mine is dangerous. I am always surrounded by rough goons. I have to handle coal mafias and dangerous people every day.”

I clasped my arms around him very tightly. I could hear his heart thumping loud inside his chest. My tears soaked a part of his shirt.

He gently rubbed his hand on my head---“Come on, Suchi. Nothing is going to happen to me. For past seven years, this was my bodyguard. Niladri works with my dad. He carries one. My dad also carries one all the time. It is a part of my life now, Suchi.”

It was more of a pain than fear that filled up my soul “Where I have come?”

Slowly, I unwrapped my arms from his torso and walked away.

He touched my hand and pleaded to me---“Give a sweet smile before I leave for office. If my darling wife cries like this, then I will not be able to work, dear.”

I wiped my tears and smiled at him---“Promise that you return in one piece.”

He nodded his head---“Promise.”

He stopped for a little while before going out of the room, looked back at me. I stood still, clutching the chair and was praying for his safe return.

He threw a flying kiss at me and said---“I will take you out today for dinner after I return.”

His office was in Jhamadoba Colliery, which was about sixteen kilometers from Dhanbad.



In the evening, after he returned from office, he took me out for dinner. We sat in the Kaveri restaurant near Bartand bus stand. It was a good restaurant.

Himadri sat beside me and nudged my shoulder---“Suchi, I am sorry that I kept many things in dark. I did not want you to take unnecessary tensions. I thought to explain you everything at proper time. But that will come in this way, I have not dreamt of.”

I looked at my plate and said---“I am your wife now, Himu. Don’t I have the right to know as what my husband does? How he spend his days in his office?”

He spoke in a persuading voice---“You do have the right. I will not conceal anything from you. My dad is a coal contractor and he moves around with goons all the time. We have many foes in our business. Niladri handles most of the goons in the coalfields. Therefore, he also carries a weapon along with him all the time. Even if I am a manager but I have to defend myself from the goons so I do also carry.”

My eyes glistened with pain as “Where I had been put off? Was this my fate that brought me here or was it man-made who wanted to change my fate?”

Very softly, he rubbed his finger on my cheeks to sooth my pains and wiped my brewing eyes.

I smiled softly at him.

He looked deeply in my eyes and said---“I will talk to dad about your teaching profession. Do not worry. Whatever happens we will face that together.”

I held his arms very tightly. I felt very much secured as he put his right arm around me.



One evening, third week of January during the dinner, Himadri was eating quietly along with Niladri and father-in-law. He looked at me and then said to his dad---“Dad, I was thinking that Suchi should take up her teaching job.”

My father-in-law looked at my face and said---“Why she needs a job? I told you beforehand that I wanted a homemaker.”

He sounded very stern. His voice shook me. I knew beforehand that he would not allow me to dwell outside his house.

Niladri said---“Dad, Boudi is highly educated. If she sits in the house then it will be useless.”

Himadri spoke---“Dad, I don’t want my wife to sit out in the house.”

My father-in-law suddenly said something that made me burn in shame and anger.

---“What about the household works? I want my daughter-in-law to cook for me.”

Himadri looked at my face. I was looking down to the table and my eyes were hazy. I could not speak a single word, as I felt that “Was I an educated maid? Was that they wanted?”

Himadri apprehended my pains and he said---“She will do her job, Dad. I have made a promise to her on the first day.”

After much of coaxing and explanation, my father-in-law gave the permission for my job.

After few days, Himadri took me to the school. The school was inside the ISM campus, Indian School of Learning. While we drove inside the campus, he showed me his classrooms, his hostels, his mess. The campus was huge. There were trees on both sides of the main road. The school was at one end of the campus.

I got the job of a Physics teacher of senior section, in the school.



I called ChotoMa on the day I received the appointment letter. From first week of February, I joined the school. I was very happy. A rickshaw was fixed, to take me to the school and bring me back to home after school. Until then I had closed all my doors and windows around me. Gradually I started to open the windows to let fresh air to breath in my soul. I had a job and I had a caring husband to look after me.



The day, I received my first cheque; I called ChotoMa and informed her.

ChotoMa was very happy to hear that---“So ShonaMa has at last got what you dreamt of?”

I pressed the phone with my ears---“Thank you ChotoMa. I miss you a lot.”

---“I also miss you very much. When can I see you?”

I sobbed out---“I will ask Himu, to take me to Kolkata. I want to see you.”

She said to me in a persuading voice---“ShonaMa, you are now someone’s wife. So you have to take his permission as well.”



I asked Himadri that I wanted to goto Kolkata. He did not object to my proposal. We drove to Kolkata by our car.

I gifted ChotoMa a saree from the money of my first earning. She was very happy and she said that it was the best gift she ever received from anyone. She hugged me. I had to comeback by the weekend as I joined the school just then. Himadri also joined his office after our marriage.

When we were to leave, ChotoMa asked me---“Are you happy?”

That was a question I did not have a proper answer. I did not know then whether I was actually happy or just feigning to be happy. I nodded my head to gesture that I was happy as Himadri was standing next to me.



It was April second week. It was the birthday of Himadri. I acted as if I had forgotten his birthday. He kept on knocking me, gesturing me somehow. I was laughing inside all the while on seeing his restlessness. He even called me during school hours. I acted very indifferent towards him as if I had totally forgotten his birthday. While returning from my school I went to Bank More to buy a Raymond suit-piece for him. I knew that it would cost me more than half of my salary, but it was my first present for my dear husband. I knew that he love to wear suits and he had only two blazers in his cupboard. I bought the best I could get, a cream coloured suit-piece for him.

I returned late after shopping. My mother-in-law asked me as why I was late. I told her the reason. She said to me that I should inform her where I was going.

Until the dinner was over, he was in a shock that I had not wished him. I already packed the suit in a gift-pack and kept that under the bed-cover as a pillow. When we retired to our room, he hugged me from back and rubbed his face on my nape. I feigned that I had headache and was laughing within. He was very much depressed and pulled the bed-cover to lie down. That is when he found the gift packet.

He almost screamed in bliss and scooped me in his arms. I flung my arms around his neck and rubbed my nose over his.

I cooed---“Happy Birthday Himu.”



The one thing I gradually noticed in that house that, Himadri and Niladri used to booze every evening. At least they showed some courtesy towards me. I was not asked to accompany them. At first, I was skeptical that, whenever alcohol runs in veins of males then they become more like beast. He used to booze a lot. Every night whenever he was inebriated state and wanted to touch me. I became furious and used to scold him a lot. However, all was ignored. I was in a real painful state.

One night, everything went out of hand, when he tried to maul me in that aberrant state.

I shouted at him---“No, don’t touch me.”

He staggered a bit and fumbled with me. My soul burnt in rage and slapped him hard on his face.

There was fire in his eyes and lewd look. He hissed at me---“Don’t dare to talk to me like that.”

I clenched my jaws and answered him in the same tone---“Why don’t you leave me alone? You want to sleep, ok. Leave me alone. I will sleep on the floor.”

I picked up the pillow, quilt, placed on the floor, and slept in the floor.

That was just the beginning of the fight. I felt that it was useless to talk to him about his booze.

My school days were going very well, but day by day, the routine was getting hectic for me. Every day early in the morning I had to get up, perform my daily puja. One thing that I did not want to miss during my lifetime. Then I had to prepare breakfast. Even if there were maids in the house but Himadri and his parents wanted me to cook. Therefore, I had to prepare breakfast and then prepare myself for the school. Yes, my mother-in-law helped me. However, that was something else. Rather than helping me, she used to point out mistakes.



One evening I was very much tired after my school, so I was taking rest in my room. Himadri had not yet returned from office.

My mother-in-law yelled from the drawing room---“Suchi, this is not a time to sleep. What about the dinner?”

I clenched my jaws and thought, “What a woman she was.” Somehow I spoke---“I am having headache.”

“You should have taken some medicines then.” She came inside my room and touched my forehead. “I don’t feel that you have any fever.”

“What, am I feigning my headache?” but it was my in-laws house so I had to keep my mouth shut. That day was the first day of my life; I understood that mother is always a mother. Whether it be ChotoMa or mother-in-law, no one can understand the pain of a daughter who does not have a daughter of his or her own. Somehow, I carried myself to the kitchen and started to cook. I heard the screeching sound of the car. Himadri had returned. I gathered up courage after I served him the tea in our room. He looked at my face; my eyes were red as my head was spinning even after taking disprin.

“What happened to you?” his voice was tensed and he touched my forehead.

My eyes glistened as I felt his soothing touch on my forehead. “It is only a headache.”

He staggered---“What? You have a headache and you are in the kitchen? Why can’t you take rest? Tomorrow you have school.”

I was in a huge dilemma whether I should tell Himadri about those or not. How would he react to my words? I was his wife and she was his mother. I stood there still, looking at the table. He looked at my face and placed his fingers under my chin.

He asked me---“What happened?”

I shook my head---“Nothing, happened.”

“Why are you lying?” He shouted “Ma, what happened to Suchi?”

I was taken aback by his sudden actions, my heart started to beat very, very loudly inside my chest.

I looked up and pressed his lips with my hand---“I told you, the headache was nothing. Then why are making a mountain out of mole-hill?”

He gently kissed my fingers and looked deeply in my eyes---“So, it was mom who insisted you to cook.”

I shook my head again to persuade him “No one forced me to cook.”

He did not believed me, I sensed that, huge storm was about to come in that house. I placed his hand on my head and asked him to promise---“Don’t tell a word to your mother.”

---“First of all you tell me as what all happened.”

---“First promise that whatever I would tell you are not going to say a single word to your mother.”

---“Ok. I do promise.”

I told him the details. He heard all those, very keenly and shook his head in dismay. After hearing all those, he let out a deep exhale from his chest and looked away from me.

I asked him---“I told you to keep away. I am ok.”

---“I am not concerned whether you are ok or my mother is ok. What concerns me is that, this is the start of something.”

---“What do you want me to do. Are you asking me to leave my job, just after two months?”

He looked at me and said---“No, I will not ask you to leave your job. You can carry on with that, but you have to handle everything as they suggest. You have to keep that in mind also.”

My chest gurgled and I stood still in the room. I looked at him with rage and glistening eyes and said in a very stern voice---“Himadri, you knew very, very well as what I wanted. I told you even before our marriage.”

So that was the fight that was about to take off. It was Niladri, who entered in search of something in the room and we had to press a brake in our conversation, which was turning to a bitter fight.



Days turned in months. The domain of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law overlapped in the kitchen. Moreover, when there was an overlap, it was evident to have fight in some way or the other. She did not like my way of keeping the utensils in the rack. She did not like my way of keeping the container in the cupboard.



One morning I was pouring water in the filter, she came behind me and asked me as what I was doing. I said her that I was pouring water as she could easily see that. Now that started in an argument as the container from which I was pouring water was not the proper container. I said to her that the container was a clean one, but she was adamant. She made me to drain all the water from the filter to the sink and then made me to wash the actual container which was according to her was the water container. She then made me to pour water from that container to the filter. I was boiling in rage, but I had to do that without any single word. That day I was late for my school. The fussy nature of my mother-in-law was evolving in front of me.



After few months of my school days, my in-laws started to pester me for a grandchild. I kept mum on all those words.

One night I told to Himadri---“See, Himu, your parents have started to pester me for a grandchild. As I told you earlier, you had to manage them so it is now your turn. However, I remind you, if anything happens anytime, and then do not blame me, as that will not be my fault. It takes two hands to sound a clap.”



One weekend we were standing in front of Puja Talkies after enjoying a movie. It was a late evening show. There was a wine shop near the cinema hall. Himadri pointed to that wine shop and said to me that he used to buy wines from there whenever they came to enjoy movies, during their college days.

I constricted my brows and asked him---“So how was your college days?”

---“Oh! Damn those days were awesome.”

I smiled at him and asked---“I have heard that the seniors rag juniors. So what type of ragging you did and you had.”

He came near me and whispered in my ears---“Do you really want to hear?”

I pulled myself back and looked at his face. There was a mischievous smile on his face.

---“Why, is there something bad or worse that you did?”

He laughed and said to me---“Ok. I will tell you about my ragging days. But at night.”

---“Why not now, why at night?”

---“Come on Suchi. If I tell you now then I will do naughty things with you and you….”

I blushed on hearing his words and said to him---“If it is like that naughty then I don’t want to hear.”

He held me by my shoulders and said---“I will surely tell you explaining everything.”

I slapped him on his cheek and said---“NO, I don’t want to hear all those..”

He hugged me tightly and said---“I will describe everything to my beautiful wife.”

I looked down to hide my coy face. I asked him in low voice---“Will you take me to your office?”

He looked at me and asked---“You mean you want to goto colliery?”

---“Yes. What is the harm? I want to see where you work.”

He scratched his scalp for some time and then---“Hmmmmm…. Ok I will take you next weekend.”

After dinner, I was resting on his chest. Himu started to tell about his college days.

---“First day in ISM was really bad. We all had to wear white shirt and black pant. We had to form a line and go to the class room.”

---“Really, that is more like a school, is not it. Good that those happened with you. Such a naughty fellah.”

He started tickling me like hell---“See, if now there are more of it.”

I was laughing as he tickled me on sides of my tummy---“Ok ok. I will hear everything.”

He started with his ragging experiences. I was enjoying at first as how he was ragged during his college days.

---“One day the seniors came to our hostel and asked us to form a line in the field. And then asked each of us that whom do we admire most, Tarzan or Superman.”

I look at him and asked---“What these cartoon characters to do with the ragging?”

---“Some of the students, said their favourite cartoon character was Tarzan and they were asked to pull down their pants and to run in the field with just underwear.”

I laughed my heart out, upon hearing his words.

He continued---“Those who told, that they loved Superman. They were asked to put on their underwear over their full pants and then run in the field.”

I could not control my laughter and asked him---“What was your favourite character and what you did?”

He embraced me tightly, pulled me over him, and looked me in my deep eyes. I felt melting by his deep gaze. He whispered---“I love Tarzan and you also.”

I felt his hands roaming on my back and pulling me on him.

I yelled out in a veiled scolding voice---“Stop that and what more they did.”

---“One night the seniors came to our hostel and made us stand in a line.”

---“Hmmm… then what did they do with you all?”

---“The seniors did hell out of us. They all handed us a condom and asked us to masturbate and fill the condom with our semen.”

I shrieked---“WHAT the hell?” I was red-faced upon hearing his words. I hid my face on his chest.

He pulled up my face; I felt his warm breath flooding my face.

He whispered in my ears---“And you know very well that how much I can fill….”

That was too much for me. I started slapping him very hard---“I don’t want to hear anything.”

He laughed and started to kiss me all over. Made me insane with passion and love. I felt melting in his torrential showers.

After his rough play, I asked him---“Himu, your parents are pestering me for a grandchild. My ChotoMa is also asking for, what have you thought of?”

He said a bit roughly, to me---“Why don’t you make some excuse and try to avoid those questions?”

I hissed at him---“Why don’t you ask your parents then?”

---“Suchi, tell me frankly as what is in your mind? What actually you want?”

I turned away from him and said---“I am already twenty-eight, Himu and you are thirty-two. I think it is high time.”

---“I don’t want any discussion now.”

I pressed the pillow on my face and doused my silent tears on the pillow. No soothing touch from him. My chest pulsated; huge waves crashed one after another. I excepted, his soothing touch on shoulder. However, there was none.



Next weekend Himadri and I visited his colliery site. Jhamadoba colliery was sixteen kilometers from Dhanbad. There were only huts around the colliery. When we reached, it was noon. I found that the workers were working in the mine. I looked around the place. Everywhere there were heavy earthmovers machineries and worker.

Himadri said to me---“Now you understand where I work.”

The supervisor and other junior engineers came forward to greet me.

---“Always I am surrounded by these workers class and low class people, Suchi. See around you.”

I saw two huge fans built in the walls of the mine. One was rotating at high speed and other was off.

I asked Himadri as what was the use of those fans in coalmines.

He explained---“Those fans are exhaust fans. They rotate twenty-four into seven into three-sixty-five days. After one year we put-off one fan, another is started.”

He pointed to the quarries dug in the hillock and said---“These are burrows to enter the mine.”

I saw rails on the ground and there were huge pullies to pull up those wagons.

The conditions of workers were pathetic. Most of the workers were low class people, Santhals mostly. Those worker had a simple so-called helmet attached with a torch and a battery attached with their belt at the back. The back portion of the pants, mostly damaged by the acidic water of the battery. I felt like crying as I saw those workers. None seemed to have their food two times a day. Yet they were working. I stood at the entrance of the query and Himadri was standing by my side.

I asked him---“Do they shovel the coals from the quarry?”

---“No, we do blasting of coal. I will explain you. See as we go on inside the quarry, we dug coal. We drill into the coal-bed and put dynamite sticks in a series connection. Then all those dynamites are blasted and coal is then shoveled out on those trolleys that you see on the rails.”

---“So there are machines to burrow inside the coal-bed or the burrows are even dug by humans?”

---“There are drill machines. Those drill machines are held by these workers to dig some twelve to thirteen feet deep burrow inside the coal bed.”

I looked at him “What an inhuman practice” I thought.

I asked him---“Don’t you feel that these are really inhuman practice.”

He simply shook his head and said---“This is life here, Suchi. Now do you understand why I drink?”

I shook my head---“No, this is not the reason for your boozing. Don’t try to put a veil and give lame excuse.”



From the month of May, the summer vacation was to start. Same time I received the call from Kalyani that she was expecting her child. She was my best friend; I did not want to miss her childbirth. She did a lot for me. I told Himadri that Kalyani was expecting her first child and I wanted to be by her side.

He joked at me on hearing that and asked me---“Are you planning of something?”

I blushed and asked him---“What do you want?”

He held me tightly in his arms and kissed my face all over---“I don’t know as of now. As of now I know I have the most beautiful wife in the whole world.”

He went insane when he loved me that night. The next day I was to goto my native place. I informed Maithili and Kalyani well before hand that I would be arriving. They were also very happy to know that I was coming after a long time.



The day I stepped in my native house, I felt a huge void in my chest. Maithili came forward to greet us. It was after five months, I returned with my husband to my native place. My brothers and sister-in-laws were very happy to see me. They were pleased with the presence of Himadri also. He looked around the house and asked me as which was my room. He asked me a lot of question about my childhood days. I told him about my childhood days. There were few things better to keep in dark, I felt. One thing I observed that Dushtu was not talking to me as his usual days. He had grown up by then.

Himadri had to return to Dhanbad after few days. We were in my room. He asked me---“There are lots of memories attached with this house.”

I looked at him as to understand his question---“Yes and it is evident.”

---“No I am asking because whenever you went to the backyard I felt you were bit lost.”

“Oh! How come he noticed that?” It was the mango tree. Himadri returned to Dhanbad.



After few days, I was loitering on the roof, looking vaguely out to the fields, I felt a sot tap on my shoulder. I looked back and found Dushtu was standing behind me. He gave a rugged look at me. He was then not a child, he had grown up.

I ruffled his hair---“How are you? You are not that small now. I can’t take you in my lap.”

He smiled painfully at me---“Paree Auntie, Abhimanyu Uncle never came back. Why Paree auntie?”

His name again flooded my ears. I bit my lower lips on hearing his name. My life was flowing in a good rhythm. All those five months, not for a single time any one uttered his name to me. His name brought out the hidden pains in my heart. I looked away from him trying hard to hide my tears that were about to drop off from my eyes.

He understood probably. He came near me and hugged me tightly from behind---“Paree Auntie, what happened to Abhi Uncle?”

His words shattered me. I clasped him tightly and sobbed---“He is ok. He will surely come one day to tell you the rest of the story.”

He looked at me and said---“I don’t believe that Paree Auntie. You made promise for last three years. He was even not present at your wedding. I am not blind Paree Auntie.”

I clenched my jaws and gave a stern look at him---“What do you mean?”

He released his arms around me. He gently walked back towards the staircase. I looked at his slow steps.

He yelled---“I know everything who was that thief and who was that fairy. You should have……”

The last few words shattered every core of my slender frame. I clasped my arms and pressed those on my chest. I sat cowered on the roof at one corner and cried silently. “Why you did this to me? Why? Whose fault was this, yours, mine or ChotoMa? Who was wrong?”



One night I was in my room. I was reading some novel when Maithili came inside my room and sat beside. I was very much engrossed in the novel so I was unaware as when she entered my room. She placed her palms on my head and I got startled on the known loving touch. I looked at her. She was smiling beautifully at me---“I am glad that you are smiling.”

I took a deep breath and gave a smile---“What do you want me to have? Shall I lament on the spilt milk?”




---“I have not asked you for that, Paree. I am just saying that I am glad that you have overcome the past feelings.”

“Have I actually? Just few days ago my veins were shattered again with the words of Dushtu.”



On third week of May, Kalyani experienced birth pangs. She was rushed to hospital. I was by her side when she was taken to hospital. She looked at me and asked me before entering the operation theatre---“I was not present at your wedding, forgive me.”

I yelled at her---“Why are you telling me these things now? Come on, nothing is going to happen to you.”

She gave birth to a beautiful girl. I took that little child in my arms and looked at her closed eyes. I cried in joy and handed the baby angel to her father. Dipankar kissed on the forehead. I was very happy on that day.

After she was shifted to the room, Kalyani and Dipankar asked me name the child. I looked at them and said---“Why should I name her? You are her parents you should name her.”

Kalyani took my palms in her---“It is a request from my side Paree.”

I took the baby I my arms, the only name that came in my mind was “Pubali”, late sister of Arundhati.

My nose flared up, my chest gurgled as all those memoirs flooded my brains. All those scenes came up in front of my eyes. Few drops rolled down my cheeks and I muttered---“Pubali.”

Many memoirs were attached with that name. She asked for a promise from him and he complied with her last wish. Kalyani knew very well what brought tears in my eyes.

She said---“The best name one could ever thought of Paree.” She pressed my hand.

Somehow, I stole my gaze and came out of the room.



I called Himadri and informed him that Kalyani had given birth to a sweet baby angel.

He joked at me---“Suchi, so what about you?”

I wiped my tears and said---“I don’t know dear.”

---“What is her name?”

---“I named her after one of my friend, Pubali.”

---“Sweet name. So when are you coming back? Missing you very much.”

---“Really you are missing me? You have got office and bottles with you Himu, so why miss me?”

---“Suchi please. Really I am missing you very much.”

---“Ok, ok. I will return to Kolkata in few days and then I will return to Dhanbad in few days.”

---“Do you want me or Niladri to come?”

---“No need, I will return by Coal-Field in the evening. Do not worry about me. I am ok.”

I called ChotoMa and informed her that Kalyani gave birth to a sweet baby girl. She asked me when I was returning to Kolkata. I told her that I would return within few days.



On the last night in my room, I was busy in packing my belongings in the suitcase. SubrotoDa entered my room.

After a long, long time he was standing in front of me. He asked me---“How are you Paree?”

I smiled at him---“What do you think? You little sister in no more a child. She is doing fine.”

He gave a painful yet soothing smile at me---“If everything is well then I have nothing to say.”

---“What do you all want from me? I am trying to get away from what happened yet you all remind me repeatedly. Was that my fault?”

Maithili came into the room as she heard me screaming and then she scolded her husband---“Why do you have to talk to her like that?”

He was dumbfounded by his wife’s sudden reaction---“What have I done?”

She hissed at him---“Just leave her alone. You will not understand as what goes inside a girls heart and soul. So just go away from here.”

I was lost again. Maithili came near me and held me in her arms---“Everything will be ok Paree.”

I nodded my head “Only I knew what was happening to me.”



I returned to Dhanbad after few days. On the second week of June, I missed my periods. I was bit surprised and bit tensed. I knew before hand that I had some problems with my periods. After Himadri returned from office, I told him that I wanted to consult gynecologist. He asked me as what has happened. I explained him that I had missed my periods.

He gave a queer look at me---“Don’t tell me that you are expecting.”

I looked at his face---“May be Himadri.”

He smiled at me---“Really.”

---“Remember the night I was to goto my native place.”

He held me in his arms and hugged me tightly---“Oh! Suchi. I am happy.”

I looked at his face, whether he was feigning his exults. Yes, he feigned that, I could easily read that from the look in his eyes.

I was very much hurt. I closed my eyes and asked him coolly---“You are not happy right?”

He took a deep breath and released me from his embrace---“Suchi, whatever has happened has already happened. So I don’t have any grudge on that.”

I chewed my words and said to him---“I will be consulting a gynecologist tomorrow will you accompany me?”

He looked at me with a sullen face and said---“I would have but I have some wok in office.”

I understood his words very clearly that he wanted to avoid.

I went inside the bathroom and gently rubbed my womb. A new life was peeking inside me. I felt my life was coming to a full circle. My eyes glistened and a halo of pure bliss filled my heart along with a streak of black cloud. My husband will not be with me may be.



Next day, I consulted the doctor while I returned from my school. She gave some tests. Preliminary test by her confirmed that a new life was within my womb. I was very happy.

The tests confirmed that. I had blood problems; my RBC count was bit low. I had to take some medicines.

I told Himadri that tests have confirmed that a new life was to come in our family. He took that news half-heartedly. I was unable to apprehend as what made him so dull. Later I understood that it was his dire carnal hunger that he will not be able to satiate, as I would not allow him to touch me during those times.

I called ChotoMa and Babu and informed them that they were going to be grandparents.

ChotoMa sounded very happy. She sobbed---“ShonaMa, my golden child. I want you to come to Kolkata during the last trimester.”

---“I don’t know ChotoMa. I can’t tell anything as of now.”

---“Is Himadri happy?”

I lied to her---“Yes, ChotoMa he is very happy. He is going to be father.”

---“God bless you ShonaMa.”

I informed Kalyani and Maithili also about my expectation.

My in-laws were also very happy to hear that news. After a long time, I observed smile on my mother-in-law’s face.

She said to me on the day I broke the news to her---“My grandson will be just like his grandfather.”

I was in the kitchen while she said those words. I looked at her face and asked---“What if instead of a grandson, a granddaughter plays on your lap?”

My mother-in-law gave me a queer look and said---“It will be a grandson.”

I said to her in a persuading voice---“All is in God’s hand.”



Days passed, the distance widened between Himadri and me. He was not able to satiate his carnal hunger. He drowned himself in his alcohol. A pain flowed, every moment inside me. I cried every night “What was my fault?”

My birthday was nearing. Himadri asked me as what I wanted as a present.

I answered him---“All I want that you stay by my side. What more I can ask.”

---“I am always by your side Suchi. Why are you saying such words?”

I came near him and touched his hand---“Tell me the truth. What is my fault? Why I feel that you are not by my side, Himu?”

He took my face and kissed my forehead. His warm wet lips felt very good on my cream cold skin.

A solitary droplet trickled down my cheek as he kissed---“I want you to come with me to the gynecologist once.”

---“Ok I promise to accompany you. However, tell me what do you want in your birthday? This is the first time I will be celebrating your birthday.”

Himadri presented me a gold necklace on my birthday.



My gynecologist asked me to take few precautions. I asked her the reason. The USG reports suggested that I had some problems in the uterus. Although it was normal and to be kept under observation as well. I informed ChotoMa about the problem. She was tensed and asked Himadri to take me back to Kolkata.

I said to ChotoMa that I could take care of myself. However, she insisted that she would like to have me at her place on the last trimester during my childbirth.

______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
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Chapter 5: Destructive Catastrophe

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I applied for my maternity leave in my school. On first week of November, ChotoMa called Himadri and asked his permission to bring me to Kolkata. I was in my third trimester and I was due on first week of February. ChotoMa wanted to take care of me until my baby would be born.


Himadri came with me to Kolkata. Before leaving, he kissed my cheeks and said---“Take care. I will call you every day.”


I was bit offended, I thought he would go down on his knees and kiss my protruding womb and would talk to the unborn baby. However, he did not do anything of that sort.



I stood at the balcony and watched him as he boarded the taxi and went away.

ChotoMa understood my sorrow and caressed my cheeks---“Paree, it is nature of all males. They do not understand the pains, that a mother has to bear. Only when the child is born, they take the credit. Come on cheer up, your ChotoMa is here to take care of you.”

I smiled at ChotoMa and hugged her.

She took me inside her room that night and gave me a beautiful mauve coloured chiffon saree.

ChotoMa said to me---“This is for your birthday. I missed my child’s birthday this year.”

She kissed my forehead.



ChotoMa and Babu were very much concerned as I had some minor complications with my uterus. My blood pressure was little high but my gynecologist explained it to ChotoMa that it was normal. She prescribed me to take walk after dinner. Sometimes I experienced a sharp pain emancipating from the back of my spine, spiraling upwards surrounding my hips. At first, ChotoMa said that it was normal birth pains. I could feel my sapling’s kick on the walls of my womb. The throbbing sensation was awesome. It felt like a heaven to me. The feeling of those small kicks drowned those sharp, vein writhing pains.

I was very happy, the way ChotoMa treated me. Every evening, Babu used to bring chocolates and vanilla ice cream for me. He used to chop apples and other fruits like oranges for me.

Every morning, it was a usual routine for Babu to take me for a short morning walk in the garden.

---“ShonaMa, don’t stoop. ShonaMa don’t bend.”

Sometimes I felt so annoyed that I had to scold him playfully---“Nothing is going to happen to your grandchild, Babu. I am ok.”



Himadri called few times, after he left. All those conversation were very formal ones. He used to ask whether I had taken my medicines or not or normal queries about ChotoMa and Babu. “What was taking him away from me?” I was unable to understand then. Was it his work pressure or his excessive booze or his carnal hunger?



I observed that the second floor room was open. One day I entered that room and found that the bed was not there, neither there was the table and chair. I could not even find the old small wooden box that contained his glass marbles. I was not missing him then because it was he who had not contacted me. I smiled at myself “My fate that you are not here and you didn’t even contacted me. I had to surrender Abhimanyu. I am sorry.”

At times, I looked at the huge painting of “Death of Socrates” that graced the wall of the drawing room. He was really a beautiful painter.



It was last week of November. The winter was knocking softly on the door of Kolkata, whispering in its ears that it has arrived. Peoples were in their sweaters and cardigans. I was sitting in the drawing room and reading a novel. Babu was not present; he was out for some work. ChotoMa was at school as usual. Before he left, he kept all my foods on the dining table and my medicines on the centre table. He cautioned me not to go downstairs to open the door.

My attention broke as I heard the doorbell.

I went to the balcony to find out as that could have ranged the bell. I saw a postman.

He shouted from downstairs---“Madam, airmail.”

“Airmail?” I thought. “Who could have send an airmail and to whom?”

Somehow, I went downstairs to collect the letter.

I took the white envelop and came to the drawing room.

The moment I saw the address and the handwriting, I felt a thunder to strike upon me. Every single nerve and veins shook. I could not believe my eyes. My hands trembled, my chest shook violently. To support myself, I held the railing of the staircase.

It was Abhimanyu’s handwriting on the envelop, postage stamp was of Brazil. His style of writing “S” was very artistic whenever he wrote my name. Very slowly, I came to my room. I was shaking like a twig caught in a breeze.

My heart and soul was racing very fast. “What could be written in that letter? Was he asking my forgiveness? Does that contain letters that he has married to someone else?”

I opened the envelop, it was blank. An electric pulse ran in my brain. I lit a candle and placed the letter in front of the flame. It was written in lemon juice, invisible to all.



***********************

“My eve.

The fairy of my dreams,

This is the thirty-second letter I am writing to you.

By now, you must be teaching in some school or college.

I know by my heart that you are still the same.

I miss you very much every day, every hour, every second. One thousand one hundred days have passed. However, when I write these letters to you, I know that your silence is my strength that kept me alive for so long. Your small silk handkerchief still smells your jasmine fragrance. Your Jasmine fragrance blew the fire in my life and kept me alive.

I am currently in Brazil. I have been promoted to a senior technician. I am returning to India in last week of December.

I will kneel before Maithili and beg her to forgive me.

I will talk to Grand Aunt and will persuade her. I will ask her for her doll, for my fairy. I am sure; she will sympathize us more than my mother. I have prepared myself to crush her ego and her arrogance. This time, I am not going to ask her for your hand. This time, I will earn you with every drop of blood in my veins.

I will call Kalyani once I reach India.

My sweet kisses, on your beautiful forehead, where I first kissed.

Keep a smiling eye on the door. Your thief can knock in anytime.”

***********************


A huge turbulent swell suddenly culminated inside my chest. I took a deep breath and bit my lower lips to control that wave from crashing on the shore of my heart and mind. Nevertheless, that wave was far stronger than my strength. I pressed the paper on my chest and threw my head back.

I closed my eyes and clenched my jaws and cried out “NO…. this cannot be possible”.

I could not believe what I saw in front of my sniveled eyes. He was standing there in front of me. I shook my head violently “GO AWAY, GO AWAY.”

It was not tear drops, it was blood, which was gushing out through my eyes and ears and nose. My head was on the verge of explosion. I felt the veins of my head and neck could rupture anytime.

I clenched my fist and banged my forehead. “What have I done? Why I lost the faith in you?”

I kept on reading those invisible words repeatedly. Even if I was Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar, I kissed and smelled the envelope. I tried hard to press the piece of paper with my chest so that it could dissolve with the drops of blood in my veins. I tried to feel his warm touch through that piece of paper on my bosom.

I crept on the bed and cried out loudly thumping my head on the pillow. There was no one to hear and understand my pain. I could not close my eyes. Whenever I closed my eyes, I felt that he was there in front of smiling.

I got hurled into a deep dark oblivion of pain and vacuous. I crept in my shell of destitute and sorrow. Every pores of my skin was cursing ChotoMa and me. I was unable to sleep, I was unable to take my food, and I was unable to find myself in a normal condition. I was so much depressed that my health started to deteriorate. I could not come into terms with the naked truth that those persons, whom we adored most in this whole world, betrayed us both. For Abhimanyu they were his parents and for me ChotoMa.

The pains were evident and it showed all over my face. ChotoMa kept on asking me as what had happened. I could not mutter any word. I felt like stabbing my heart whenever she talked to me. I kept myself aloof from the whole world, in my room for two long days. ChotoMa and Babu were very much agitated with my behavior. They were at their wits end. They were unable to understand as what could have happened to me. They kept me asking whether I had a fight with Himadri or not. With every question, I only shook my head like a vengeful idol. They even could not fathom my rage and pain from my bloodied eyes. My ears burnt every moment; I looked at the bed, the bookshelf, the table. All were his; he was shifted to the second floor so that I could come in his life.


All I could think was that “Abhimanyu never left my side. He was always there with me. Only our fate, which was all due to ChotoMa, not even it was God’s wish to separate us.”



For whole two days, I could not talk to anyone properly. Himadri called me few times; I had to feign my pains and talked with him very normally.

On the third day, I pulled up myself. I told to myself “I had to come out of this somehow and inform my baby prince. I will live the rest of my life as a corpse but he must not suffer.”

After a long time, I went inside the bathroom and sat under the shower. On the back of mind, it was running that I had an unborn verdure with me. I caressed my womb over my drenched gown and sobbed “My baby, for your sake only I will live.”

The cold water was unable to extinguish the impending anger in my mind and soul. I felt a soft rumble in my womb. My baby whispered to me “Please do not cry, Ma.”


I wiped my face and eyes, came out of the bathroom, and changed my dress.


I called Kalyani from my mobile. My voice was shaking horribly. I took a deep breath to control my agitation and covered that with cold steel.

She picked up the phone---“Hello! What a surprise. Where are you?”

Very calmly and in a very stern voice I spoke---“I am at ChotoMa’s house. How are you and Pubali?”

She sensed from my voice that something grave had happened.

She asked me---“We are doing well. Why are you sounding like that? What happened to you?”

That time my voice shook. I could not control myself anymore---“Kalyani, you have to do me a favour. A favour of life time.”

---“What are you talking about? I am unable to understand. Anything happened with in-laws or Himadri?”

I shook my head gently---“No.”

I took a deep breath to fill my lungs and then spoke---“Abhimanyu…..” I was unable to see anything in front of my eyes. It was all hazy.

She screamed out---“WHAT ABHIMANYU?”

---“From past thirty months, he wrote me letters. He wrote me thirty-one letters, till now. Thirty-second is in my hand.”

---“WHAT? How come you have not received all these?”

---“I am sure, ChotoMa and Babu has destroyed all those letters. By the grace of God or my ill-fate; the thirty-second letter is in my hand. He is waiting for me, Kalyani. He is coming back to India this December. He is going to call you. He knows very well that if he call here, he will not be able to talk to me and he will not get proper answer. He has written that he will talk to my mom and persuade her. He has written that he will ask for forgiveness from Maithili.”

She was dumbfounded on hearing all those---“What do you want me to do?”

I clenched my fist and spoke in shaky voice---“I don’t want to bring any turbulence in my marital life. Tell him I am married. Tell him that his Grand Aunt is no more in this world. Tell him his Paree has died. Tell him the truth that his parents burnt all those letters. Tell him that his parents miss him very much. Tell him not to wait for me anymore. I will not come back here again; I don’t have the strength or courage to stand before him.”

We both were silent for a long, long time. After a long painful silence, she spoke---“What about the diary?”

I was surprised to hear that that she had still kept that diary with her.

---“You have that with you still?”

---“Yes. How could I destroy that? It was not yours; it was not mine even. It was Abhimanyu’s. How could you think that I could destroy that diary?”

---“Return that to him. Kalyani.”

---“And…..”

---“And what, Kalyani? All these long, I consoled my heart that he ditched me. All this long I consoled my heart that he forgot me. Now, I feel like jumping in a fire, commit suicide. But my unborn child is calling me, Kalyani.”

I heard her sobbing from the other end. She consoled me---“Paree, we are mere puppet in the hands of fate and God.”

I screamed out---“NO, HE did not separate us. Don’t curse HIM.”

I let out a deep breath. I felt an infinite vacuum inside my chest---“I will be ok. Bye.”

I knew very well after I spoke those last words “I will be ok.” Life will not be same for me.



I crushed the envelop in my fist and pressed it on my bosom. Silent drops of tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes.

I lay on the bed and gently rubbed my womb. I felt the tiny bump to move inside my body. I smiled and enjoyed those lovely tingling sensation that my unborn baby was giving to me. In my mind there was a strange feeling running then. My baby’s movement in my womb and infinite vacuum inside my chest. After sometime, those movements overcame my vacuum.

I kept quiet for a long, long time.



When Babu returned, he observed me in a very different mood.

ChotoMa returned from her school as usual. I gave a faint painful smile at her, as I prepared the tea for Babu and ChotoMa. They were sitting on the dining table.

ChotoMa observed my unusual calmness and asked---“What happened ShonaMa? Has Himadri told you something?”

Her question, forced a huge stream of blood from my heart to race to my brain and soul.

I kept the tray on the dining table and placed the crumbled envelop on the tray. Babu took the crumbled paper and straightened it. He looked at me and then handed the piece of paper to ChotoMa.

Babu’s jaws clenched and ChotoMa gave a bewildered look as if she knows nothing. I could not tolerate the sight of ChotoMa; I spoke in a calm and deep voice.

---“What is this ChotoMa?”

She gave a blank look at the envelope and said to me---“I don’t know Paree.”

I clutched the handle of the chair and said to her in a stone cold voice---“You know everything, ChotoMa. This is his thirty-second letter.”

She looked at Babu’s face. Babu’s looked down on the table, his jaws clenched, eyes were burning.

I hissed out---“Why you did this to me? Why?”

ChotoMa got up from her chair kept the envelope in front of me and came near me. I hissed out again---“Don’t touch me. I hate you.”

I removed her hand, which was about to touch my head. Her eyes were glistening with pain.

She sobbed out slowly---“ShonaMa…”

I screamed out---“Your ShonaMa, your Paree has died. You have killed her long ago.”

---“Try to understand.”

I screamed---“WHAT?” My head was spinning and I felt a pain in my abdomen due to all tension and rage.

---“Try to understand my pain also. I have sacrificed my only son.”

---“You have sacrificed your only son only due to your ego and guile values of prestige.”

Babu hissed at me---“Yes… it was our prestige. We could not approve your relation that was our first reaction.”

He calmed down. There was a long silence in the room. Only our sobbing could be heard. My ears were burning.

I spoke---“He wrote me thirty-one letters. Where are all those?”

---“We destroyed all those.”

---“How do you know, that those letters were from Abhimanyu?”

---“All were airmail, from different countries. There is no one who could write letters to you except Abhi. What surprised us, that all the letters were blank, there were nothing inside the envelop.”

I was pouring fire with my sniveled eyes. I asked Babu---“Where all he was, in the past two and half years?”

---“He send you letters from the day he called me once. He send you every month. A white blank envelop and nothing else. From the postage stamp, all we could make out that he was first in Israel, then he went to South Africa and Zambia. Since last six or seven months the postage stamp was of Brazil.”

My tears were uncontrollable; my chest was burning when he was saying those words to me. I sat on the chair and picked up the crumbled envelop from the tray.

I screamed out---“ChotoMa, along with those letters you have burnt several lives.”

Babu went away. ChotoMa sat beside me and looked at my painful face. I was wiping my eyes and nose.

I chewed my words and screamed at her---“I HATE you all. I do not want to stay with you anymore. You have ruined my life. I do not even feel to be here from a second. I want to go back to Dhanbad.”

My heart was filled up with immense pain. I got up somehow and carried myself to my room.

ChotoMa asked me---“Where is Abhi now?” Her voice was shaking.

I answered---“He is currently in Brazil. He is coming back to India next month. I do not know whether he will contact you or not. However, if he contacts you tell him to come back to you. From today, your Paree has died.”

She shrieked---“Paree, don’t close the door. Don’t do anything stupid Paree.”

I slammed the door, leapt on my bed, and clutched the pillow with my chest with all my strength. All I could feel that Abhi was standing in front of me with his outstretched arms and beckoning me with a sweet smile on his face.

I cried out again and again---“Go Away, Go Away. Your Paree has died.”

However, he stood there; he did not move an inch.

I cried for a long time and then I called Maithili.

She heard me sobbing profusely on the phone. For first few seconds I could not utter a single word. I lost my voice as what should I tell her.

---“What happened Paree? Did you have a fight with Himadri?”

I pressed my lips and opened the envelop in front of my sniveled eyes---“Abhimanyu…..” I could not finish my words and cried out my pains.

She screamed from the other end---“What has happened to him? Is he all right? Why are you crying like that?”

I sobbed and sobbed, tried hard to gather words as what to say to her.

---“Tell me what has happened. Is he alright?”

I nodded my head, she could not understand as what I wanted to say as she was on the other end of the phone.

I spoke with much pain in my voice---“He wrote me letters. He wrote me since the day he left India. He is coming back for me Churni. What shall I do, Churni?”

She might have lost her words. She was silent. Only thing I could hear was my own sobbing sounds echoing in the whole room. I bit the pillow as I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain surrounded my hips and reached my navel. I threw the phone and cried my lungs out.

ChotoMa came running to me and asked me---“What happened Paree?”

The pain in my womb was killing me. I clasped the bed-sheet with all my strength and clenched my teeth. I banged my head on the pillow. The pain was unbearable. I felt I was losing myself to death. I was sweating profusely in that November cold. I was breathing very hard. I felt my lower end of my dressing gown drenched with fluids. Sticky fluids were coming out from my nether parts and drenched the bed as well. The pain made me arch like a bow and I clamped the pillow with all my strength.

I cried out---“I am going to die. My womb is going to burst out.”

ChotoMa cried out for Babu to call a cab. All the way to the nursing-home, I clutched ChotoMa hand like anything. She pressed my head on her bosom and tried to console me.

She was very much tensed and was crying---“Nothing will happen to you Paree. I am with you.”

I sobbed out---“I am dying ChotoMa. I don’t want to die.”



I was rushed to the nursing home of the gynecologist and I was immediately taken to the labour-room.

The pain was extreme and my body was getting numb. My legs were kept above my spine level. After preliminary diagnosis, the resident doctor told that the uterus had ruptured somehow and it had come down towards my fallopian tube at an alarming distance. Fetal-heartbeat-monitor was attached with my womb. I could hear the heartbeat of my unborn sapling dying down. My doctor arrived and I was given an injection of local anesthesia on my spine.

There was a stone cold silence in the operation theatre. The heart-beat monitor stooped sounding after few minutes. I lost my consciousness was all I remember then.


The time I regained my consciousness, I found myself in a room of nursing home. I pulled up my head from the pillow to look at myself. I felt a huge void in my stomach and abdomen. I looked around; Maithili was sitting by my side. She clasped my hand and helped me to sit up. Himadri was standing there behind Maithili. I looked around with a huge query in my eyes. I fathomed everything that happened with me, from the agonized face of my husband, Himadri. He reached out and took me in his arms. I went numb when he clasped me. I could not speak any words. I could not move. I was more like a lifeless corpse. I looked blankly at my abdomen. There was no pain; no weight only a dark infinite space engulfed me.



After two days in nursing home, Maithili took me back to my native place in the village. ChotoMa coaxed Maithili about keeping me with her. I do not know what the conversation between them was. However, she came in my rescue as a white angel and took me with her.


Later on, I came to know that the unborn fetus was of a male child. They asked Himadri and Maithili whether we want to do a biopsy on that fetus or not. My gynecologist also told me that my uterus was bit weak. In future if I conceive, then I had to take extra care of myself and the opening of the uterus has to be stitched.



All the way from nursing home to my village, I sat as a stone effigy. My brain, my soul, and my heart everything was blank and nothing could fill that huge void inside me.

I lost my voice. Maithili and Meghna were always by my side. Himadri was very much lost. I felt that he was trying hard to cope as what happened. He pulled himself and tried to console me.

---“Life is not the end here, Suchi.”

I could not answer him and gave a blank look.

---“Do you want to return to Dhanbad?”

I could not answer him.

He cried out, his voice writhed---“Say something, Suchi.”

I lost everything I had, how could I speak out. My lips fluttered but no sound emanated from my quivering lips. My eyes were dry; lips were dry. I gave a painful void look at Himadri.



I lost in to the deep void space of anguish and dolor. Himadri took me back to Dhanbad after few days. Maithili tried hard with all her compassion and love to bring me back to normal life, but my life was not the same anymore.

In a mere gap of forty-eight hours, I found my life shattered and finished. I could not close my eyes to take rest. I was unable sleep anymore. I lost all faith in human nature. I lost faith upon myself.

______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
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Chapter 6: Blue Oasis

-------------------------


Ami chilaam najor-bondi, sundori ek tanvi

Tomaar thonter alto choain, jibon holo dhoinii|

Raat r belai swapne eshye, ghumti nile kere,

Jabar agye takiye chile, haath ta ektu nere|

Khunjye kothai tomai pabo, seta nahi jani,

Khabor jakhon ello tomar, hariye gechi ami|

Chooker jol baandh mane na, book ta j jai fete

Jibon ta k mithye kore, ekla j jai hente|

Holaam na ma, holaam na bou, holaam na shye Pori,

Mithye janom, mithye e shoob, ki kore aaj mori|

Kanna hasher elomelo porot chilo chookhe,

Amar kotha amarii thaak, jane na jeno look e||

The English translation of the above is as follows



I was a beautiful girl, captive in house arrest,

Your soft touch of lips made my life meaningful.

You came in my dreams and stole my sleep,

Before you went away, you only waved your hand.

I did not know, where to search for you,

When your news came, I was lost in oblivion.

I could not control my tears, my bosom ruptured

By making the life full of lies, I walked alone on the path.

I failed as a mother, failed as a wife, even failed as your “Pori”

My life was full of lies and deceit, how could I die?

My eyes were filled up with tears of sorrow and joy,

Let my pains go with me, no one should know about…



I returned to Dhanbad as a lifeless corpse. Himadri never came to knew about the incident of the letter. He apprehended that the catastrophe of losing my sapling had made me numb. I snapped all ties with ChotoMa and Babu. Several times Himadri asked me the reason and every time I blamed ChotoMa for my premature death of my sapling. I concealed the dark truth and the sheer pain in one corner of my heart. The pain was terrible for me but I had no one to share that pain. He believed me at last and he tried to console me to his best.



On the last week of December, I sat alone in my room. “Somewhere in some cold winter night” I thought, “Abhimanyu might have arrived in India. He would have made a call to Kalyani. What would be his reaction upon hearing the news? What will he do? He will be devastated on knowing all the truth. Will he try to meet me and ask why I did that? Will he do something drastic and loose himself forever?” My chest gurgled with a sheer sharp pain with those thought. I banged my head on the bathroom mirror and cried in silent.

Often I asked myself “What wrong I did, God, that you are testing me like this?” There was no answer from HIM. He kept smiling softly at me. I could not understand as why HE was smiling.

I spent several sleepless nights, crying alone in my room. Himadri tried to console me, but his words felt like ice-cold in my ears. I felt those words did not have those warmth of compassion and love. Often I rubbed my flat abdomen, my womb, I felt empty, whenever I walked.

I failed myself in every front of my life. I failed to be a good daughter. I was born and my father passed away. I was the youngest child among my siblings so everyone cursed me for my father’s premature death. I failed myself as a lover. I lost faith for my heartthrob and I failed to wait for Abhimanyu. I failed to be a mother. My unborn sapling ended his breath before he could behold the light of the day. I failed to be a wife. I tried to be a good wife but then I lost everything from my husband’s side also.

For several nights, I trembled in my sleep. Whenever I tried to close my eyes, I felt the soft ripples in my empty abdomen. I pressed hard on my empty abdomen to stop the ripple. My ears echoed with the painful squirms “Ma, I want to live.” I pressed my ears with all my strength, tried hard to keep those words away. Alas, all those cries came from my soul; I could not keep away those cries from creeping in my heart and soul. At times, Himadri felt my silent tears. He used to hug me close to his chest. Nevertheless, his warmth felt like ice-cold touch to me.



Behaviour of my mother-in-law began to change after few months of my return. She was then more aggressive on me as I went timid and paranoid. I kept more to myself and ignored most of my surroundings. Most of her words went to my deaf ears, which started to make her burn in angst on me. She started to blame me for the loss of her first grandchild.



My school started after the winter vacation. Kalyani called few times after I returned to Dhanbad, but as she kept her promise that she made to me, she never uttered any word about Abhi. I was in dark and I wanted myself to be kept in dark.



It was few days after Holi; I was waiting for my rickshaw to arrive for my return to house. I saw that Niladri was waiting in front of my school. I was surprised to see him. He smiled at me. I returned a courtesy smile at him.

I asked him---“For whom you are waiting here?”

He came near me and said---“For you and who else.”

I was taken aback by his answer---“But rickshaw?”

---“No rickshaw from today. I will ferry my beautiful Boudi, everyday to school. Dad asked me to be your driver and I also thought this will be good.”

His face was beaming with a benevolent smile and empathy. I felt a soft throb somewhere deep inside me for that childish smile.

He looked at me and said---“What are you waiting for, come sit.”

I sat on the pillion of his bike.

On reaching home, my father-in-law told me that from that day, Niladri would schlep me for school every day. As he was in his father’s business, so he had time for me. Himadri also seconded his thought.


Night after night, I could not sleep on my bed. Whenever I closed my eyes, either it was Abhimanyu’s face in front of my eyes or the soft thump of the unborn sapling on my womb. I was nearing a mental breakdown. All I could gather up was nothing. My husband, Himadri was not by my side. He started to booze heavily. Every day he used to come late from his office. Every day he used to give me excuse that he was busy with his office works.



One night I was busy in checking the school copies. As usual, he returned late from his office.

I asked him---“What are you so late?”

He was inebriated state, he looked at me and said---“Why do you think I should come home at all?”

---“For me at least, I am your wife.”

He gave a disgraced look at me and said---“How can I douse my pains, Suchi. You can cry but can I?”

I came near him and touched his hand. His eyes were dripping with some rage and pain. “What was he thinking?”

He said to me in a very cold voice---“I told you before hand, that I do not want a child so early. However you paid no heed to my words and you have brought a disgrace.”

My ears burnt in shame and anger as those words poured hot lava in my ears.

---“What are you saying, Himu? Was that my fault only? Was that not your child also?”

---“You could have gone for an abortion.”

My head spanned on hearing him---“Why you did not take precautions? And now you are blaming me for all those mishaps.”

---“I don’t want to discuss that further, Suchi. Leave me alone.”

He snapped those last words and went out of the room. That day I sensed that the crack has developed between my husband and me. The last person on the world, on whom I could faith, left me alone in the room. I cried whole night. At the dawn, I asked myself “For whom, am I crying?” My soul did not have the answer of my query. After few days, I stopped annoying him about his late coming. I drowned myself in house chores and school works.



Next day morning, Niladri was driving me to school. He contemplated my painful face.

---“What happened, Boudi?”

I lost my voice and clutched his shoulder to control myself---“Nothing.”

---“I know very well, what happened last night. I was in my room, Boudi.”

I closed my eyes; my face was red in shame and fear. “What? He has heard our fight! How is he going to react?”

As we were entering the ISM campus, he suddenly stopped the bike. I asked him as why he stopped the bike.

He looked at me over his shoulder and said---“Boudi, do you have to goto school today?”

I constricted my brows and looked at him, trying hard to fathom his intention.

He was still looking at me and there was no smile or unlawful expression on his face.

I said very coolly---“I have to goto school, Niladri.”

---“I want to talk to you Boudi.”

---“What do you want to talk about?”

---“The beautiful smile that I saw on your lips, the jovial girl is lost. I apprehend that there is much more than what is shown.”

I kept my voice very stern and said---“Drop me to the school, Niladri. We can talk at home.”

He started the bike and dropped me in the front of my school.

Before returning he said---“I will wait for your answer, Boudi.”

I could not look in his eyes and slowly I went away.

I never talked about my pain with Niladri.



Himadri’s thirty-third birthday passed away without any ripple. As a timid and faithful wife, I presented him a tie on his birthday. It was my duty as a wife, which I administered. I waited for him until midnight, he did not return. Later he called at dead night and informed Niladri that he would stay at one of his friend’s house. Already my heart was numb, so that news did not perturb me much.



One person who never left my side was my sweet sister-in-law, Churni. She used to call me every other day. Her words acted as a soothing medicine to my shattered soul. However, she was well aware that nothing could mend my crippled heart. Sometime Kalyani also called me. I never asked her about Abhimanyu and she never talked about Abhimanyu. I tried to ask but I do not know what refrained me from asking. Her baby angel was nearing her first summer in this beautiful world. I filled my empty soul with her sweet babbles over the phone.

My summer vacation neared. I asked Himadri, that I wanted to goto my native place. He did not question me. Niladri accompanied me to my house.

On the way, he asked me---“Boudi, who is the new teacher in your school?”

I could not understand as of whom he was talking, so I asked him---“Who?”

---“Oh Boudi! A new girl has joined your school.”

I tried hard to dig in my thoughts as I kept mostly to myself in school.

---“That girl, who wears beautiful salwar kurta always. Long hair, curved chin and small nose. She has glasses.”

I tried to imagine as of whom he was talking and then I asked him---“Why do you want to know?”

---“Boudi, she is beautiful. What is her name?”

I closed my eyes and tried to think hard and then it dawned that a new English teacher joined our school in junior section.

I smiled at him and asked---“Why? Have you fallen for her?”

He tried hard to conceal his coy face, which was evident from his glistening eyes. He nodded his head.

“Ok, once I return back I will find out. But tell me what is so special about her.” I pushed him.

He held my palms in his and pleaded---“Boudi, she has got her canine over another tooth which makes her smile very beautiful. Her smile is like, Mousumi Chatterjee. Please Boudi, do something.”

---“Ok, I will do that, but you have to do me a favour.”

He nodded his head---“I will do anything for you Boudi.”



I looked out of the window of the train; the electric posts were racing back. The train was cutting between green fields.

I took a deep breath and asked Niladri---“What is the actual nature of your work?”

I was looking at him with a deep piercing soul-shattering gaze. I wanted to know badly as what was the actual nature of work of my father-in-law. Niladri was at his back-foot as he heard that question from me. He fumbled for words. When I saw him, babbling, I fathomed very well, that my apprehensions were very much true. I did not ask anything after that. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lips “What type of family I have been married to?”



Pubali turned one-year. She was a very sweet cute little angel. She was then roaming all over the place with small steps. Kalyani and Maithili were very happy to see me. On the day of Pubali’s first birthday, I clasped the baby in my bosom and cried a lot. I took out a gold necklace that I was wearing on my neck and graced her tiny neck with that.

I pressed my lips on her chubby cheeks and sobbed out to her tiny ears---“My little angel, I don’t have anything to give to you. I am a penurious aunt of your, darling.”

Kalyani very easily figured out the pains of my heart. She understood that I was missing everything in my life. I was missing my vacant womb; I was missing my heart-throb. She did not try to say any word as she felt that saying would not do anything. She let me cry and shed my tears. My eyes were all soaked with tears; Kalyani came to console me at last.

I gave a blank look at her and asked---“How can I die?”

She slapped me hard on my cheek and clasped me with her bosom. She almost crushed me. I cried out on her shoulder. She let those tears flow.



Himadri came to my native place to take me back to Dhanbad. I felt that I had lost him totally. He did not talk to me as he used to have in the first year. I also felt not talking to him as my heart was lost in abyss of dark ocean of pain.

One the last evening, before my summer vacation was to end, I was trotting at the backyard of my house. Slowly I came near the old mango tree. I looked up to the tree and smiled painfully on finding that there were less mangoes than previous years. I told to that tree “You are also crying?” I rubbed my empty womb and said to him “See, I have also failed to bear any fruit. You and me are on the same boat, is not that?” I sat beneath the tree and looked at the pond. My legs were folded and I rested my chin on my knees. My gaze was all-blank. I was lost into some aimless thoughts. I felt a nudge on my shoulder, I looked up. Maithili stood there with her prying gaze upon me.

She asked me---“Why are you sitting like that?”

My voice was cold---“What should I do?”

---“Talk to Himadri. Both of you should try to understand each-other and cope with situation.”

She sat beside me and took my face between her palms---“I know you won’t be able to forget him after what has happened. However, time and compassion will make everything alright.”

---“Is that so? I cannot sleep properly Churni. Whenever I close my eyes, I feel ripples in my womb. Those soft ripples kill me grain my grain every moment. I hear my baby’s voice, calling me, Churni.”

She bit her lips and controlled her tears---“Paree, most of the goes through this. It is natural.”

My lips quivered---“You know why that happened. What about that, Churni?”

She shook head gently and said---“I don’t have any explanation for that Paree.”

I tried to ask the question “Did he call you?”

Maithili understood from my quivering lips as what I was going to ask her.

She clenched her jaws---“Better forget what happened.”

---“How can I forget Abhi? He waited there for me with his stretched arms, to take me in his embrace and you ask me to forget him? WHY this has to happen with me only?”

We observed that Himadri was approaching us, so our conversation stopped there only. I wiped my eyes and stood.

He joked at us---“What all is happening between sister-in-laws? Do I smell something fishy?”

Maithili answered---“What is happening between you two, Himadri?”

He was taken aback by her query. He gave a queer look at both of us.

Maithili continued---“Paree, is very soft girl, Himadri. You have to understand her and console her.”

He gave a stern look at me and then said to Maithili---“See, I did not ask for whatever happened. Anyway, it is between a husband and a wife. We will solve it.”

From his last words, I inferred that he would make my life hell so I pinched Maithili to keep quiet.



Months passed, without any improvement in our relation. I joined school and Niladri used to come every day to drive me back home. Every day he used to pause for sometime before starting hi bike.

One day I asked him---“For whom are you waiting? I am here.”

He scratched his scalp and brought his coy face near me and whispered---“Boudi, you have forgotten my request.”

I smiled at him as I really forgot what all he asked for.

---“Look over your shoulder, Boudi.”

I looked back; Pallavi Sinha was coming out of the school gate. She was the new English teacher who joined our school in junior section.

I ruffled his coarse hair and flinched by brows---“So, she was your dream?”

He held my hand and said---“Please, Boudi. Please, please, please.”

---“Ok, I will talk to her. Now drive, we have to go home, I have to buy few things from Bank More.”



After few days, I told Niladri to come late so that I could talk to Pallavi. Since she was in junior section and I was in senior section so we had less conversation among us. Moreover, I kept myself very secluded from others colleagues.

Pallavi came out and asked me---“Madam, you are waiting still? Your brother-in-law is late today?”

I looked at her and said---“Yes, probably he is busy somewhere.”

She looked bit lost and asked me---“So when is he going to come?”

I flinched my brows and asked her---“Why are you asking that? And by the way how do you know that he is my brother-in-law?”

She looked down to her feet to hide her coy face---“No, nothing. I do not know him personally. We have a common friend.”

I smiled at her and said---“So you have met him before?”

She shook her head---“No, no, no Madam.”

Moreover, that conversation made us close. After sometime, Niladri arrived. I introduced him with Pallavi. On seeing, Niladri Pallavi blushed sweetly. Her coy face shot me to my memoirs of first night. That eventful night; when we were walking at the courtyard of my native place. He stopped me at one dark corner of the courtyard, looked at my face and said to me “You are very beautiful.”



Day by day, their attraction bloomed into love. Niladri was skeptical about breaking the news to his parents. I asked Niladri as what was deterring him no to break the news.

---“Boudi, you know my dad. He is not going to accept a non-Bengali daughter-in-law in house.”

I was angry upon him---“You knew that from beginning, then why did you approached.”

---“I don’t know Boudi; I just fell for her, smitten by her sweet smile.”

I felt that the same cycle of life was being rotated in front of my eyes. I could not control myself.

I snapped at him---“What are you going to do, Niladri? Destroy one’s life?”

---“No, Boudi. It will not happen. I am going to talk to my dad.”

---“Have you talked to her parents yet?”

---“She has given some hint to her parents. But I think you need to talk to her parents as well. Not as my sister-in-law but as her friend and colleague.”

I shook my head---“I will try. I need some time to talk to her and then will step accordingly.”



Pallavi was very sweet girl and I liked her. Her father was railway employee. She used to stay in the Rail colony near the station. Few days later, I asked Pallavi to accompany to Kaveri. I asked Niladri to come directly to Kaveri.

I asked Pallavi---“What is the problem? Have you talked to your parents or not?”

Pallavi looked at my face and smiled painfully---“From my side, I don’t have much of resistance. My mother knows about and she has assured me that she will talk to my father. But, Madam, the problem is your father-in-law.”

I knew from the day I stepped, that my father-in-law’s mentality was bit prehistoric. I sensed that there would be a huge fight in our house, when this news would break.

Niladri arrived and sat by her side. Both were looking very beautiful couple, glued with amorist. Stealthily I wiped the corner of my left eye. A solitary drop tried to trickle down.

Pallavi saw me wiping my eyes; she asked me---“What happened Madam?”

I smiled at her and said---“Don’t call me Madam at least now. I am not in school.”

“Ok, Boudi.” She smiled sweetly at me.

Niladri asked me---“Boudi, what are we going to do?”

I looked at both of them; they were anxiously waiting for my suggestion. What should I say or suggest to them?

I said to them---“Wait for some time. Let me talk to both of your parents.”

I said those words; however, I was not confident enough to fight.

They were satisfied with my assurance, but I was not satisfied.



Days passed and their love grew stronger. I felt a stream of fresh air, flowing through my veins. Their face beamed with new life and the look in their face, made me think of my old days.



Two years passed by without any notable ripples, I turned thirty on August. The string of attachment between my husband and me was negligible. I was also not in terms of repairing that string. Every moment, I cursed myself for being a failed wife and a failed mother. My gore heart and soul always remind me of his waiting eyes.



On my thirtieth birthday, as usual I was in my school when my phone rang. I picked up the phone.

---“Hello.”

The answer from the other end, made my ears turned red in anger. It was ChotoMa.

“How are you ShonaMa?” Her voice was dripping with pain and sorrow.

I bit my lips and clenched my right fist on my bosom---“I am ok. Why have you called?”

She sobbed out from the other end---“I miss you very much, Paree. Won’t you come back?”

I clenched my jaws and said---“Never ChotoMa, I won’t come back to you again. Keep the phone, ChotoMa. You already had done much massacre to my life and soul. I do not want to talk to you.”

She sobbed---“I have one small question, Paree?”

I was anticipating that query from her---“I know what you are going to ask. You will ask whether Abhi has contacted me after returning to India or not? Right? For your information, Abhi is not like that person. He will not try to bring catastrophe in my marital life.” I was sobbing in sheer pain while saying those words to her. “He will die rather to bring any harm to me, after knowing that I have married. He will not question me. He will accept as what life brought to him. I do not know his whereabouts ChotoMa. I want to be left alone, ChotoMa. Please do not call me again.”

“Happy birthday, Paree.” She kept the phone.



I went inside the restroom and tried hard to suppress the turbulence inside my heart. I came to know that Abhimanyu has not contacted his parents. “Then what was he doing? Where was he? He has contacted Kalyani but not his parents. Why, what was the reason?” Thousand of queries haunted my mind. I was at loss, for those answers. “Should I call Kalyani and know ask about his whereabouts? She would probably know as he has called her.”



Then it dawned in my mind “No, I should not bring any turbulence in my life after three years. I should refrain myself from such thoughts. He might have started a new life of his own. Bereft of me, bereft of his parents and close one. Let him be happy with what he has.”

On January, the news came that Maithili was expecting. I was very happy to hear that a new life is coming in this world. SubrotoDa informed me about that. He was very happy, that he was going to be a proud father.

“Where is Churni? I want to talk to her.”

He handed the phone to her. She sounded very weak---“I am well.”

---“I do not presume that by your voice Churni? Tell me what all has happened.”

---“It is normal, Paree.”

---“Have you consulted the doctor? What are they saying?”

---“Doctors are saying that there is some problem with my urine and blood.”

I clenched my fist, I was on the verge of breakdown “No, this can’t happen to the person whom I adore most in this world.”

I cried out---“I want to meet you, I am coming.”

---“Please, Paree, I am ok. Do not take un-necessary tension. Everything will be ok, Paree.”



Just then, Himadri entered the room. He saw me crying on the phone and asked me as what has happened. I told him that Maithili was pregnant and I wanted to meet her.

---“Ok, when do you want to go?”

There was no resistance from his side, no reaction about the news. I looked at him and wiped my eyes.

---“I will go during her child-birth not now.”

“Very well.” He said. “I want to talk to you Suchi.”

I disconnected the phone and asked to Himadri as what he wanted.

---“My parents are looking for bride for Niladri.”

I knew that it was only matter of time as Niladri was also thirty-one---“So?”

---“I came to know from few peers that he is seeing someone and she happens to be teacher of your school also.”

“So you know everything?” I chewed those words while throwing them to him.

He snapped at me---“Why haven’t you informed me before?”

I pointed my index finger to him and snapped back---“When do you find time to talk to me? You always return late from office, most of the night in inebriated state. You take dinner and then slam on the bed. Have you asked for once that how I am? What have I eaten? How was my life? No. You don’t have time for me.”

My head was burning in bitter anger while pouring those vengeful words to him.

---“What do you think? Am I a stone idol? You have brought me here in your house. It was your duty to look after me and take care of me.”

He was stone cold. He gave a bewildered look at me. Probably he never sensed that I could talk to him in that fashion.

I continued---“Have I ever asked as why you are coming late? Have I ever questioned that why were you acting indifferent to me in these three years of our marriage? Have you ever tried to help me come out of my loss and pain? No. Why Himadri? Why?”

He clenched his jaws and gave a ragged look at me---“What should I tell you? You do not listen to me. I tried to apprehend you at the beginning, but you were in a total loss. Then, you never acted to be my wife whom I married. You were always in a shell covered with some pain and destitute. You never allowed anyone to delve into your domain. You never divulge me your heart even Suchi. You once told me that clap had to sound with both hands. SO if you do not tell me as what had happened to you then how could I know? I am sure there is something more than a mere miscarriage. I can tell that for sure and I can even see those in your eyes.”

My head went blank when I heard those words from his lips “Has he fathomed that I loved someone else? What will he do with me if he comes to know about the reality?”

I did not have a single speck of faith on him so I lied to him---“The reason of my miscarriage was my ChotoMa and I bore that pain in my heart. I bore, that the person whom I adored most in the world, deceived me to dungeon.”

His look was evident that he did not believe a single word of mine.

He snapped the burning words at me---“Your ChotoMa called me.”

I went numb. I was stoned by those words. My heart pumped furiously “What has she told to him? Has she revealed all my dark, beautiful past that I burnt in the sacrament pyre?”

My face was red in anger and unknown fear. He sensed everything on seeing me go pale.

---“She told me, that she was sorry for whatever has happened. She requested me to bring you back to her.”

A huge load came off my chest and I took a deep breath. “So ChotoMa was at least had some conscience left in her that she has not divulged anything.” My eyes glistened while hearing his last words. However, in my heart, it was all gore, it was all finished.

I chewed my words---“Himadri, I don’t want to go back to Kolkata. Please do not ask me.”

He sounded very cold on hearing my answer---“I do not even want to come between you two. It would be your call whether you keep your ties or not.”

I wiped my eyes and said to him---“Ok, so be it. So you will not meddle whatever I have to do in my life?”

He said---“I will not, till the time you don’t cross my path.”

I shook my head in sheer dismay and anger. I came to conclusion that he has lost his interest. “Was he lost in someone else?” I did not know at that time.



Tension brewed in my in-laws house as my mother-in-law was searching for a suitable daughter-in-law for Niladri. He was adamant of not marrying anyone. Niladri asked for my help, but I was even helpless in that house. After few months, my father-in-law finalized a girl for Niladri. Every time I looked at Himadri, expecting him to talk to his parents about the situation. However, he acted very indifferent towards all those conversations.



One evening, after school I as usual we, Pallavi and I were waiting for Niladri outside school.

She gave a helpless look at me and said in a choking voice to me---“I have to say something to you Suchi Madam.”

I flinched my brows and asked her---“What?”

She looked very sad and pain was dripping from her eyes---“My father knows your father-in-law very well. He told me that your father-in-law is a coal contractor and coal contractors are basically….”

I knew what would be her words, I fathomed the nature of my father-in-laws business long ago, but that would come between some ones love, I did not expect.

I clenched my jaws and looked up in the sky. Tried hard to find words as what to say. Niladri arrived and observed that Pallavi’s eyes were glistening and I was tensed.

When that news was broken to Niladri, he was broken and she cried. Niladri tried to console her to his level best. Niladri gave a help-less look at me.

I took a deep breath and said to them---“Go away. I will manage my in-laws. Leave Dhanbad.”

Pallavi shrieked, her eyes glistened---“I have one sister and one brother, Boudi. I can’t leave them.”

Niladri was bewildered upon hearing my answer---“But Boudi, what about you?”

I looked at Pallavi and said---“I know my in laws very well. What else do you plan to do? And I have seen much gore days in my life, I will accept whatever would happen to me.”

Niladri held my palms in his hand and tears rolled down his cheeks.

I smiled painfully at him---“Boys don’t cry, Niladri. You have to be strong enough to handle every situation.”

Pallavi threw her arms around me and hid her face on my shoulder.

I tried to console her---“I will face everything, don‘t cry. Everything will be ok.”



It was August, my thirty-first birthday. I did not expect anyone to bring any present for me. I returned from my school as usual along with Niladri. All the way, while returning, Niladri gave a naughty smile at me. I felt awkward by his glance and asked him as what has happened.

He whispered to me---“I have something special for you today.”

---“What?”

---“A surprise for my sweet, adorable, Boudi.”

Upon reaching our house, he took me to his room.

“Happy birthday, Boudi.” Then he handed a beautiful saree to me. I looked at him, shook my head, and smiled at him.



I found myself surrounded by high walls on three sides and a solitary window at one end. Through that window, I could behold a blue oasis in the middle of the scorching desert. He was Niladri.



Maithili was expecting her child on the first week of October. I planned to be there during her childbirth as she was very weak. Tension also prevailed at my native place. I sensed that some, storm might break out. I prepared myself for any storm. Every day, I used to pray to God “You have taken a lot from me, please spare my Maithili.”

______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
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Chapter 7: Judas Kiss

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The person whom I embraced, was never mine,

Not even for a moment, I fathomed he was not mine.

His heart descended on my eyelids

His love beckoned me and tapped my heart.

The garland he graced me was of lie and deceit

Yet I could not apprehend that he was not mine.

Maithili was expecting her childbirth on first week of October. I planned to be present during her childbirth. I was very much concerned about the health of my adorable Churni. Her health was deteriorating day by day.



One evening I was arranging our cupboard, I observed a small box wrapped in a gift wrapper. At first, it dawned to me that, probably Himadri brought some present for me for my birthday, but somehow he forgot to present me. I opened the packet; it contained a very beautiful gold pendant. I was very happy to see that pendant, a tiny rose embalmed in a heart shape. It was costly. There was nothing written on the packet. I kept the gift pack at its place and did not utter a word about that. Days passed, he did not mentioned about the pendant. I was surprised and felt heavyhearted by his behaviour. Then one day, I opened the cupboard to search for that gift box, but to my sheer surprise, the gift packet was not present in the cupboard. I was very much puzzled, as I could not find the gift-wrap. I was at my wits end as where the gift-wrap could go.



One night, as usual Himadri was late. My mother-in-law started pestering me to call his office, as it was getting cold outside. I called to his mobile; it was out-of-reach. I then made a call to his office. The caretaker picked up the phone after few minutes of ringing. I asked him about the whereabouts of Himadri. To my utter surprise, the answer shook my nerves.

“Madam, Karmakar Sir left office at one o’clock.” He answered.

---“Do you know where he has gone?”

---“No Madam. He leaves office early, almost every day. He said that, you are not pulling well, Madam. He said that you are ill. How are you Madam now?”

I closed my eyes and held my breath upon hearing the bitter excuse. I felt a hot brewing lava surge out from my chest and ran through my throat to my face. “Where he could be? Is there any other woman in his life for whom he bought that pendant? Have I lost the right to ask him?” all these thought raced in my brain.

Himadri returned late, my mother-in-law asked him about his whereabouts. He did not answer anything to her. I sat alone with his dinner on the dining table. He sat quietly on the dining table and started to eat. I was unable to look at his face. Angst and pain was running through my veins. Every second every heartbeat was uttering to me “Suchi, you have been deceived, bitterly.” I thought to ask him about the gold pendant, and then I thought I must have enough proof to nail him.



On last week of September, I packed my bags to goto my native place. Maithili was pulling fine.

I called to Maithili the day before I was to reach my village.

---“I am coming to take care of you.”

She answered in a weak voice---“Ok, come quick. I am waiting for you. I want to see you.”

I tried hard to control my tears on hearing those words from her lips. I clenched my fist and pressed on my lips “God, save her.”

---“Nothing will happen to you Churni, I am coming.”



Niladri accompanied me as usual to my village. We went by Coal-field as usual.

Niladri asked me---“Boudi, what has happened to Maithili Di?” He knew about her ailments.

---“It is some gynecological problems which happens in most of the woman.”

---“She will be alright, Boudi?”

I did not know the correct answer but I gathered myself---“Yes, definitely, she will be alright.”

---“I have something to ask you, Boudi.”

---“What?”

---“For past few days, you are very pale and this time it is not the pain of loss but it is something else.”

I felt a spin inside my head as those words hit my ears like huge stone. I thought for few minutes “Should I ask for his help? He is the only person who can help me.”



---“I need to ask you something. I need a favour Niladri.”

He gave a sweet smile---“Anything for you Boudi.”

I had to gather myself up before placing my acquisition in front of him that also about his brother.

He gave a queer look at my face on seeing me, lost in my thoughts.

---“What happened, Boudi? What are you thinking?”

I mumbled for words and then gathered up myself---“You are aware that your brother returns late from office.”

He nodded his head “Yes, so? He might be occupied with his office works.”

I took a deep breath---“I called his office, few days back. I came to know, that he left his office long before. He returned late that day. I also came to know he leaves early from his office, very often on the pretext of my illness.”

He gave a queer look at me---“What do you mean to say, Boudi? Are you suspecting my brother?” His gaze was saying that he was unable to believe what I was saying to him.

I gently nodded my head---“Niladri, I am skeptical about his current behaviour.”

---“But why?”

My gaze was fixed on my lap. My pulse rate was running high---“I found a gold pendant in the cupboard, which was gone after few days. It was not for me.” I gave a pleading look at him “I want your help, to find the person to whom the gold pendant was presented.”

He almost snapped at me---“Boudi, you are making a dire acquisition on my brother. I must have known if he would have done such acts. He would have told me in his inebriated state. But he has not divulged anything to me.”

I was in a sheer pain---“My sixth sense saying this to me, Niladri. I hope; this does not come true.”

He gave a burning look at me---“I will keep a tab on him, Boudi. Do not worry.”

He brought his face near me and chewed his last words---“If this is true, then I will forget that he is my brother. And if this is proved wrong then…..”

I was very much agitated by his words---“Niladri, this is only an assumption. Please do not do anything stupid.”

He shook his head and rest of our journey was a very silent one.

Before returning back, Niladri touched my hand and said---“Boudi, I will keep an eye. Take care Boudi.” His eyes were glistening in anger and pain.



Meghna Boudi and all others were happy to see me. Maithili was very weak and she was virtually bedridden. On seeing me, she smiled at me. It was her last week before her expected date of childbirth.

I gently rubbed her forehead. I held her head on across my bosom---“Nothing will happen to you, till I am here.”

She sobbed in my warm embrace---“Promise me one thing Paree?”

I knew what she would ask from me yet I nodded my head.

Her weak frame trembled; voice choked my ears---“Look after my child if something happens to me.”

Her words made my eyes hazy; I pressed my lips on her head. I cried out softly---“Churni, nothing is going to happen to you.”

---“I want to say something to you before I goto hospital.”

I pressed my fingers on her quivering lips---“I will hear those words once you come back with your child.” My heart was bleeding with pain and tears flooded my cheeks and soaked her forehead.

I wiped my tears and asked Subroto Da---“What the gynecologists are saying?”

---“The last USG report suggests that the umbilical cord is wrapped around the neck of the baby and more grave is that the placenta is inverted. The operation would be somewhat critical.”

I looked at Maithili; she gave a painful smile at me. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes.



She was admitted to hospital on the first week of October. She was experiencing her birth pangs. To my sheer surprise, I found Arunima to be also present. I gave a courtesy smiled at her. We met for the first time in last eight years. She felt bit awkward and tried to avoid me.

Maithili was taken to the operation theater; we sat outside, dipped in tension. I continuously wiped my eyes, clenched my fist to my bosom, and prayed to God all the time. A series of huge turbulent waves were sweeping across my chest and flooding my bosom.



Those five hours, waiting outside the operation theatre seemed to be endless. Subroto Da was loitering all along the corridor, anxiously waiting for news. He was very nervous, so was I.



At last, the nurse came out and called the name of Subroto Da, I ran to her. My eyes flooded as I saw a little baby wrapped in a white flannel in her arms. I took that child in my arms and gently placed my lips on its forehead. Few drops of tears soaked her tiny forehead. It was a baby girl. After sometime, the doctor came out and said that the caesarian was a successful one. I asked the doctor as when could we see Maithili. They said that she was still unconscious. Lots of blood had been drained, but she was out of danger.

In the evening, Maithili regained her consciousness; I sat by her side all the time. Baby was in the nursery under blue light. She was sleeping as if a beautiful pearl flooded in the blue moon light.

I smiled at Maithili and kissed her forehead. My eyes were glistening on seeing a faint smile on her lips---“My sweet Churni. You are ok.”

Subroto Da came and sat beside her on the bed. He gently rubbed his palm over her head---“Get well soon, your daughter is waiting.”



After few days, Maithili returned along with her baby. I was in a pure ecstasy. The life of my sweet sister-in-law was completed in a full-circle. She was a good wife, good daughter and then a good mother. The sight of Maithili’s beautiful face made me writhe in pain. I have failed myself in all the fronts of my life. At times, when I was alone in my room, I used to feel the pain of void and emptiness in my womb. The soft ripples have not died even after three years. The huge void of frustration and inadequacy again engulfed me. I tried to pull myself out from my miseries.



One evening I was singing lullaby with the baby in my arms, Maithili asked me---“Have you searched for any names for your niece?”

I looked at her and said---“Why should I name her?”

Subroto Da and Maithili named their baby Nilanjana.

One evening, I sat beside her with baby on my lap. I was looking at the face of the baby, my chest was having soft ripples of love and pain both at same time.

She perceived my hidden pain from my eyes---“Life is not yet finished, Paree.” She nudged my shoulders gently---“Every cloud has got a silver lining.”

On hearing those words from her lips, I gently shook my head---“Churni that is a failed dream that you are trying to contemplate. I have lost everything.” The only thought that was gnawing my soul was “I have lost Himadri, my husband.”

She insisted me to speak up---“What do you mean by that?”

I was skeptical at the beginning “Should I talk to her about the gold pendant? Why not she is the only person in this world to whom I can open myself.”

The baby was looking at my face with her tiny squint eyes. She yawned at me, her toothless mouth, sweet chubby pinkish cheeks was emancipating a pure halo of love. I looked at her face and with quivering lips, I said to Churni---“My husband is gone, he has not touched me since my miscarriage. I have failed myself as a wife, Churni.”

She screamed---“WHAT?”

“Yes” I gently nodded my head.

She took my face between her palms and looked deeply at me---“What do you mean, Paree?”

My soul shattered as I told her the incident of the gold pendant.

---“But, you are yet to hear from Niladri, right? How do you come into conclusion without any strong evidence?”

“I know by my heart, Churni. I have seen that in his eyes. His cold touches, his voice, his face. Everything tells me that he has no interest.” I took a deep breath “I will take my final step once I get the news.” With that I let emptied my whole exhale and bend my head on my knees.

I could not feel anything else, except a burning rage in my head and soul.



I called Niladri that night asking him whether he has found anything or not. I pressed the phone to my ears, prepared myself for the forthcoming news of losing the battle.

His voice was too cold---“I am coming to bring you back, Boudi.”

---“Tell me what you have got, please.”

---“Nothing as of now Boudi.”

I screamed at him---“You are telling lie.”

---“Why should I lie to you, Boudi? You are the only one person who understands me. Tell me why should I lie to you?”

---“Because, he is your brother.”

He was silent for few moments and then said---“But I love you Boudi. I can’t deceive you at any cost, even if he is my brother.” His voice choked “You got me acquainted with my life. How can I deceive you, Boudi?”

Tears rolled down my cheeks on hearing his words. I felt an uncontrollable thrust on my bosom and I clenched my fist and banged my forehead.



November started. Chill winds welcomed the winter in the village. Niladri came after few weeks to take me back to Dhanbad. He gifted Nilanjana a gold chain and blessed her. The day I had to return to Dhanbad, I took Nilanjana in my lap and kissed her forehead. She yawned at me and looked at my face with her tiny little eyes. Few drops of tears fell on her little chubby cheeks.

I whispered to her sleepy ears---“My beautiful niece, I have nothing as of now to give you. But I promise you, I will take care of you as my precious heart.”

Maithili said to me---“You don’t have to give anything to her.”

She embraced me close to her and whispered to my ears---“I pray to god that your apprehension is all wrong and you get back your husband.”



Niladri was very silent all the way to Dhanbad. We talked very less, only courtesy queries and answers were the points of our conversation. From the sullen look on his face, my breaths stormed out. Niladri said that there was no one in the house except him and Himadri. His parents had gone to some relative’s house.

The time we reached Dhanbad, it was noon.



In the evening, I was in my room, keeping my belongings in the cupboard. Niladri came in my room. His face was dripping sheer pain and angst.

I looked at his face and my nose-flared up on observing his sullen face---“What happened, Niladri?”

He came close to me and stooped his head. He was breathing hard---“Come with me.”

My chest burnt in anger, I breathed fire on hearing his words---“Where?”

He placed his hand on my shoulder and nudged me gently---“Come with me, Boudi.”

My heart was thumping inside my chest as if it would burst out any moment. I was breathing heavily---“Just tell me what you have found? Is my foreboding is true?”

---“See it yourself.”

I screamed at him---“No, I don’t want to behold anything. Just tell me that it is false.”

He took me in his arms and pressed my head on his chest---“I tried very hard to prove you wrong Boudi, but her name is Shalini.”

I went numb in his arms. All my veins and nerves went dry upon hearing him. I held my breath for some time and then freed myself from his arms slowly. I looked at his face; he was looking at the floor. He was breathing very slowly. I closed my eyes and slowly sat on the chair and rested my head on the table.

The only thought that twirled in my head and burnt my soul was “I lost my love and I was unable to come out of that and the repercussion was in front of me.”

He came near me and kneeled by my chair---“Boudi, what do you want me to do?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and said to him---“I will talk to him tonight. Who is she?”

He took a deep breath---“She is Dada’s old college’s friend. She is married and has a four-year-old son. She lives in Bokaro. He husband works in Steel Plant.”

All the while, he was saying those, I had my eyes tightly closed and clenched my jaws. I was unable to keep my head as it was spinning like a whirlpool in high seas. I gave a blank look at him “What should I say to him? Whose fault was that anyways? Mine? Himadri’s? Whose fault?” I was at my wits end tried hard to find the truthful answer. After sometime it dawned that, “Suchi, you have lost that right. In last three years, have you ever tried to come near him? No.” Then I thought, “If he wanted to leave me, then what is the harm? He could have told me and we could have parted our ways.”

My lips quivered in pain---“Leave me alone Niladri. I want some time alone with me.”

He let out a deep exhale from his chest and went away.



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Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143
Chapter 8: Conceive of Angel

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During the dinner, I could not swallow my food, Niladri was all-silent. The silence was killing me.

It was late night as usual. I was in my nightdress. The doorbell rang. It was Himadri. I gave a blank look at his face and came in my room. Niladri was sitting in the drawing room, watching TV.

He entered after me and asked---“How was your journey?”

I nodded my head “Ok.”

His voice was very cold, probably the hatred in my heart made his voice sounded like ice.

He came near me; I sensed his breaths on my nape. I closed my eyes as I felt his hand on my shoulder---“I missed you.”

I bit my lips as those words poured down molten lava on my face. Series of waves culminated on the shore of my chest. To support myself I held the chair. My shoulder was burning where he kept his palm. I could not bear his touch on my shoulder.

Gently I removed his hand from my shoulder and said to him---“Why are you so late?”

He lied; he lied in cold blood---“It was office, Suchi.”

I gave a piercing look at his face. He looked away, avoiding the direct eye contact. “Has he understood that he was caught? Nevertheless, his voice was very normal and cold as usual. How should I start confronting him? How to start?”

I fixated my gaze on his face to fathom his expressions---“I expected you, Himadri, to bring me back. However, you were not there. Why?”

He did not look at my face and answered---“It was my work, Suchi. You know very well as how busy, I am.” He gave a queer look at my face “I have drowned myself in my work, Suchi, same as you.”

“Lie and deceit, Himadri. Just spew out venom, Himadri that you do not want me anymore. I will be more than happy. It was my fault, from the very beginning that I did not wait for the person I loved most. I tried hard to gather myself but I failed. You could have told me, why you kept me in dark, Himadri. Why?” No I did not spoke those to him; instead, I stood as a granite effigy, covered with his chicane words.



My face was burning while whose words were beating my eardrums. My gaze was spewing molten blood instead of tears. I spoke in an ice-cold voice---“Who is Shalini, Himadri?”

All of a sudden, a huge stream of blood gushed on his face. He gave a bewildered look at me. He was not at all prepared for that question, I knew that very well. I was also not prepared for that question to ask him all of a sudden. What made me ask that, I did not know?

He screamed at me---“Who?”

A cold voice came again out of my lips---“Shalini, your college friend.”

---“Who told you?”

---“It is not the question, Himadri, who informed me. Who is she?”

He clutched his fist tightly, signed me that he would break my face. He shook his head in dismay and anger. He was caught in the web of queries.

---“I found a small gift box in the cupboard. It contained a gold pendant. It is gone.”

The venom spewed at last from the lips of my husband---“You crossed your limit, Suchi. I warned you that we shall not cross our paths.”



I could not keep my thoughts inside me anymore. I howled at him---“You could have told me once, Himadri. I would have gone from your life. Why you had to keep me in dark?”

He chewed his words---“Why, are you not satisfied? Do you think I am blind? I do not have eyes. I do have a heart and soul. What have you given me, Suchi?”

He clutched me by my shoulders and shook me violently---“Tell me, what you have given to me?”

My whole body shook like a life-less trunk of a tree. My eyes were closed and tears were rolling down my cheeks.

He screamed at me---“I know who told you all these, that son-of-a-bitch, Nilu.”

His next sentence shattered my heart and soul, a grave implication that I had not dreamt off in my nightmares also.

---“You do have your desires satiated. Do not think I am a fool. I know very well that what you and Nilu do.”

I pressed my ears with both my hands. Each single blood vessels in my body, was bursting off. There was splash of electric pulses in front of my eyes. All I could see, a black screen and specks of lights in my head.



I shrieked in sheer angst and pain---“NO, MIND WHAT YOUR ARE SAYING.”



He went to the door and locked it from inside and then with long steps stride towards me. I was shaking in fear and rage. Niladri was outside probably, I did not know, as there was no response from his side.

Himadri stood in front of me, breathing fire on my face---“Don’t think I am blind. I know everything, what you two were doing behind my back. I have information that you two dine at Kaveri, shop in Bank More, movies in Ray or Pooja talkies and many more ….”

I kept my eyes tightly shut, the veins on the side of my head was about to rupture.

I screamed at him with all my strength---“What are you saying? He is like my brother.”

He started abusing me in all his foul language. Harsh and cruel.

I clenched my teeth and shouted at him---“I don’t want to stay with you under one roof even for a single moment.”

---“Sure, why would you? You have what you wanted. (Foul)”



All of a sudden, he slapped me hard on my face. I fell on the bed on my stomach. It was not the pain of slap that was incinerating my heart and soul, it was his foul words and his beastly accuse that made me insane. I clutched the bed-sheet with both hands and hid my face on the pillow.

Himadri pounced over my back and pinned me down on the bed. With his arms he pressed my nape on the pillow. I felt his other hand, fumbling my dress. Within seconds he tore apart the fabric from my body. Huge strike of chill ran down my spine, I tried to scream in but my mouth was covered with pillow.

He hissed in my ears---“You can warm up others quilt then why not mine, you … I will not kill you, I make you demoralize in your heart and kill your soul.”

I thumped my head on the pillow and tried hard to push him off my back, but he was stronger than I in every sense was.

I was whimpering in pain only low cries came out of my dried lips. My face was red, all my nape and chest was heaving, my heart thumped inside my chest like a huge piston of old steam engine.

His cruelty was at its pinnacle. He invaded my sanctum-sanatorium with no mercy. It was like a saw cutting through sandpaper. I kept on crying and crying. He mauled me like hungry hyena. It was eighteenth day after my LMP. I was fertile like Gangetic plain. The seed was sown. I conceived my angel. It came with sheer brutality and malice.



He left the room, after mauling my soul and body. I lay there on the bed, disheveled and helpless, cried in pain and anger. Nothing except hatred engulfed my soul. Even in my worst nightmare, I never thought that my precious angel would come in this world in that manner.



______________________________
 

Arunima Roy Chowdhury

Well-Known Member
6,471
12,057
143

Chapter 9: White Cessation


--------------------------------

After that night, I was demolished down to the earth. I could not look in my face in mirror. Each time I tried to face myself, I found a battered soul looking at me with jittery look. Himadri threatened me with dire consequence if I would utter a single word about that malicious incident with anyone. I lost my voice.



After that day, Himadri used to sleep on the bed, I used to curl up on the floor. For the exterior world, we were still married as a husband and wife. I felt that it was better to be a caged princess in an ivory cage. My heart cried for my ChotoMa. I wanted to meet her for one last time and ask her why she did this to me; I loved her most after my own mother. However every time I tried to call her, Abhimanyu’s white envelop came in front of my eyes. I lamented on my fate. I restrained myself from dialing her number.



One week, after that gruesome incident, Himadri asked me to resign from school. I did not have strength to fight with him. I submitted my resignation to the school and was caged in that brick walls forever. Niladri was very much surprised on my decision.



One afternoon, I was in my room, sitting silently with a blank mind and soul. Niladri knocked and entered my room. I gave a blank look on his face. He could not understand anything from my pale white face, bereft of any blood and soul.

He sat by my side on the bed---“Why have you resigned from school? That was your dream, Boudi. What on the earth has happened to you Boudi?”

I mumbled for words as what should I tell him. I looked in his eyes, which was full of compassion.

I felt ripples inside my chest and sobbed out---“I am finished, Niladri.”

He gently touched my shoulders, his compassionate touch melted my soul, tears started to flow endlessly from my painful eyes.

---“What happened, Boudi?”

My lips quivered but I could not utter a single word about what Himadri did with me.

---“You have talked to him, right. And after that you two had fight.”

I nodded my head “Yes”.

---“And what was his say about that?”

I shook my head gently “Nothing.”

He grinded his jaws together and boxed the bed to vent his anger---“I had some faith on my brother, but all are smashed. My dad is the main reason, he always preferred Dada to me. He was brilliant I was not. He was sent to ISM for engineering. I finished my graduation and asked Dad that I wanted to start my business, but he asked me to help him in his business. He climbed up the ladder of success and I drowned in the mud of goons and malignant web of this coal business.”

I saw the vengeance against his brother in his eyes.

His eyes were glistening my gaze was also hazy. He continued---“When you stepped in for the first time, I thought that everything will be alright.”

He shook his head in dismay---“Neither my dad nor my brother understood. Even my mom did not understand you. Only because she has no daughter so she acted as a strict mom-in-law. Boudi, enough is enough.”

---“NO, Niladri. You are not going to do anything like that.”

---“WHY?”

I gave a blank pale look to him and let out a deep exhale---“They are your own blood, family, Niladri. I am an outsider. I just want my life back.”

He shook his head---“But, Boudi you the most precious for me.”

I shook my head to express my helplessness and fear.

---“What do you want to do?”

I was out of my thoughts as what should I do? All those queries were painted on my pale face. Niladri read my face, my helplessness and he kept mum.

The winter on that year was too harsh on my mind and soul. Himadri acted that as if nothing happened between us. I was at my wits end as how can a beast behave like that even after diminishing me to such extent.



The ambience of the family gradually changed, especially the behaviour between two brothers. There was cold tension that prevailed between them. My in-laws were not aware of all those incidents so they never figured-out the reason of the coldness between two brothers.



By then end of December, the chill winds captivated my mind and soul. At times, I felt nauseated. At first, I thought that it was due to my ill health and psychological trauma. However, the week I missed my MP, it was evident that the seed was planted. No one touched me before that dark night; no one touched me after that even. I was carrying my angel in my womb. My precious angel was taking shape deep inside me. Day by day, with every passing moment, my hopes rekindled of filling my heart of being a mother.



I called my beloved Churni to break the news. She was very much surprised and she was unable to understand as how that happened. She knew about our relation, so she coaxed me to tell her the truth. With great pain and angst, I narrated the dark night to her. Her voice was burning, she asked me to return to her. She said that she would talk to Subroto Da and file for a case. I was living in some unknown fear that Himadri could harm my baby, so I requested Churni to be patient.



I was pale and all pains were dripping from my face. My mother-in-law noticed that. She asked me about my health. I broke the news with her that I was expecting. She was very happy, my father-in-law was also happy.

That evening, when my mother-in-law informed about my pregnancy to Himadri, he gave a bewildered look at me as if asking, “Is that my son?” I could not stand his filthy look. I slowly grinded my jaws and gave a vengeful look at him. That night before retiring, he asked me as to whom all I had informed about that incident. I said him that I did not mentioned about that night to anyone, but I was sure that he was not convinced. He made up by his own that, I had told Niladri and Maithili about that night. I did not try to make myself clear at that point of time, as it felt meaningless to me.



After few weeks, Himadri came home as a total different person. He was very tired, he came home earlier than usual. I was in the kitchen; he came directly into the kitchen. I was taken aback by his actions. He never stepped in the kitchen in past years. I looked at him over my shoulder; he gave a pleaded look at me. I was not in a position to forgive him or forget about that incident. I was very angry upon him the way he looked at me. There was only pain and revenge in my heart.

His voice trembled---“I need to talk to you, Suchi.”

His voice burnt in my ears. With a deep and calm voice, I asked him---“Is there anything left between us to talk about?”

He came near me and bends his head as if asking my forgiveness. He nodded his head gently “Yes”

---“What do you have in your mind? You betrayed me, you mauled me killed my soul. I am living as a corpse. What more do you want from me?”

He spoke in a pleading voice---“I want you back, Suchi. I want my old, Suchi and I will do anything for that.”

“Why? Is that because your girlfriend has deceived you again, that you came back to me?” I never came to know the truth, as I never asked him that question.

I looked at him with pain and tearful eyes---“We have nothing in common. We must walk separate paths, it will be better for both of us.”

He shook his head---“NO, Please, one time.”

I shook my head in dismay---“Please, I have nothing to say anything to you. I want to be alone.”

He clenched his fist and brought his face near mine---“I won’t let you go till my child is born.”

His last words seemed that he was acting. He tried to convince me but when he felt that I was adamant in my words, he threatened me.

Both my parent-in-laws told me that they wanted to take care of mine during childbirth. They were also very disturbed after my last miscarriage so they took extra care of mine.



Himadri was back to his old nature as usual; my mother-in-law also felt the numb feeling that was running between us. She asked me one day as what had happened. I made some lame excuse to avert her queries.



In the mean time, Niladri said to me that at Pallavi’s parents was searching for a groom for Pallavi’s marriage. My bitter past came in front of me and I stood helpless, unable to help those two lovebirds. I gathered all my strength one day and spoke to my mother-in-law.

She was shocked rather being a happy.

---“But, your father-in-law won’t allow any non-Bengali girl to be his daughter-in-law. You know that Suchi. You even know that, what happened when you wanted to do the job. We had bitter argument due to that. I don’t think this time your father-in-law will allow.”

I pleaded to her---“Just talk to him once. Please, not for my sake, but for your son.”

She assured me that she would speak to her husband and the way she gave a helpless look at me, I apprehended that those pleas would go in vain.

I told Niladri that I spoke to his mother about him.

---“What did mom said?”

---“Your mom said that she would talk to your father, but I can foresee that there will be bitter argument in our family. My life would be hell, Niladri. I am too tired Niladri to handle all these.”

---“Don’t think of that, Boudi. There is no confusion between us, so why do we need to take tension? Now you see what I can do.”

His abrupt gesture took me by surprise---“Don’t try to do anything stupid, Niladri.”

---“Himadri, is not going to help you or me. Right. So I have to take actions.”

I pleaded to him---“Please, Niladri, please do not do anything stupid which will affect me negatively.”

---“Ok, Boudi, but if I can’t marry Pallavi, then I will bring everything down.”



I felt disgusted upon myself, as someone was choking my throat and I was gasping for breath. I tried hard to fend off those invisible hands from my throat by I was so weak that I was unable to free myself from those strong clutch.

Maithili used to call every other day asking me to come back to my native place. On the other hand I also felt that, she had to take care of her cute doll, Nilanjana. I tried to persuade her that she was harbouring unnecessary tensions.

The winter passed by. With each passing day, I sensed the forgotten pulse inside me. That sweet ripples, although I knew that those ripples were my imagination but I felt those ripples inside my womb. It kept me alive. In all those turmoil and tension, I forgot about my “invisible letter”. I forgot that he was there standing in front of me with a sleek smile on his lips.

That eventful day was in second week of February. I was in the bathroom, when I felt nauseated. My arms showed goose bumps and I felt a chill ran down my spine. I held the basin to support myself and all of a sudden, I heard a knock on the door. It was Pallavi; her voice was tense. She gave me a remorseful look. Tears were running down her cheeks, I was inundated in utter grief on seeing that look on her face.

I was shocked to behold that look---“What happened?”

I heard wails of my mother-in-law. I heard hushed voice coming from the drawing room.

I screamed at her---“Tell me what happened.”

She was quiet, held my hand, and asked me to come to the drawing room. As I entered the drawing room, all the eyes were fixated in me. I gave a bewildered look to my mom-in-law. She nodded her head and broke in tears on clasping me.

An unknown qualm engulfed me. A voice inside my brain spoke to me that some mishap happened with my husband. I tried to ignore that trembling voice and gave a frightful look at Pallavi. Everyone was in tears saying nothing to me. My heart started to pound hard inside my chest. I could not keep my cool and screamed at Pallavi.

She asked me to sit and then she spoke---“Himadri Dada is no more.”

I looked deeply in her tearful eyes. She gently nodded her head “Whatever I she was saying was true.”

My heart did not trembled much after hearing that news. I closed my eyes, a few drops tickled down my eyes. There was less of pain and remorse in heart that time. It was filled more with helpless as to whom to fight.

I asked her in a very calm voice---“How that happened?”

In a shaky voice she told me---“He met an accident while he was returning from his office. The car was hit my truck and it is all mangled.”

I grinded my jaws and vented fire in my heart, but I gave a painful look instead, hiding my emotions of angst deep inside me. I veiled my anger with tears and penance look smeared on my face.

His battered body was brought at night, wrapped in white cloth. All my relatives were informed. My mother-in-law and other women slowly took out the iron-bangle from my wrist. I did not object or cried like insane. Few people fathomed that I has in choked in pain to shed my tears properly.

He was taken out of the house for the last time. I let out a final wail and a deep breath from my chest.

I was left in lurch about my future. I saw darkness creeping in front of me. I felt that there was no dawn going to come in my life. I felt that, I was going down in the quicksand of life. I tried hard to held any twig for life, gasped hard for breathe but I was drowning in an infinite black hole.

I sat silently in my room, surrounded with lamenting relatives. They were trying to console me for my loss; however, those words were not reaching my brain. I was only thinking about my future and my unborn angel that time. I had no time to lament for that person brought hell to my life. Niladri returned in the morning after cremating his only brother and he came directly in my room. His face was pale and was crippled with attrition. He looked at me, wanted to say something to me but he kept quiet.

That look made me to slap him hard and I screamed at him---“What you did?”

He held me in his arms and said---“Believe me, it was not me. It was accident, Boudi.”

---“You want me to believe? A lonely road, a truck collides with a car.”

He held me tightly in his arms and tried to persuade me---“Believe me, it was a freaking accident.”

I shook my head---“Just go away from my sight, Niladri. All those persons whom I touch, goes away. I am an ill-fated person, Niladri. See, what happened to your brother. The only path that is left for me is to take my own life.”

---“No Boudi, you will not do anything of that stupid. You have a life attached with you Boudi. He has done nothing.”



I asked him to leave me alone; I wanted to make out about my bleak future, which was filled up only with boulders and sharp stones. My heart bleeds, not for that loss but for myself. I tried hard to waive-off my pains and grief. My last miscarriage was due also filled up with my ill fate. At that time, I received the invisible letter, which made me writhe in pain. That time I could not control myself, because it was my heartthrob’s face that came in front of my gaze. I did not want to loose my newborn sapling so I tried to gather all strength left in my bleeding heart to overcome the loss and pain.

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