★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2021 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[AP 316]

Story 11

Gajab.

 

[AP 316]

12

Awesoms

 

[AP 316]

Next
Dumbass story baat nahi bani kya likhna caah rahe ho?? B grade movie ki script?? I am disappointed.. ..

 

[AP 316]

Next.

0/10 You are not a writer.. Maja nahi aaya please try a different carrier..

 

[nain11ster]

Dream Girl by Ankitarani

Soch'kar gaya tha, padhne ja raha hun romance aur padhe aaye Physco thrill ... Kamal ki urja hai aap ki lekhni me Ankita ji manna parega... Hats off... Surwat me to aisa feel hua ki Abhishek, Riya aur Ravi ke bich romance ka knockout triangular series chalne wala hai...

Niche jab letter aaya tere mere bich me jo aayega maara jayega.... Tab laga ki ye Riya aur Ravi dono mil'kar kahani ko anjaam de rahe hai ... Lekin sabse aakhir me chamtkarik roop se Ravi aa gaya...

Isme koi 2 rai nahi ki kahani ka concept bahut badhiya tha lekin presentation me bahut jyada chuk ho gayi.... Ek Physco thrill me ... Uska murder procedure aur investigation dono jaan hoti hai... Na to murder investigation tha kahin aur na hi muder procedure... Aisa laga jaise katl par katl ho rahe hain... Goli marna aasan hota hai but ek cold blood muder...

Ek jagah par ek hi waqt me 2 ghar ke log mare gaye... Itne muder ho rahe the aur aisa lag raha tha police kisi jeb katre ki talash kar rahi ho... Riya ke papa mar gaye aur wo murder mystry discuss kar rahi hai ... So isme koi 2 rai nahi ki yah ek week representation tha...

A little bit disappointed also kyonki ye aap ka favourite genera tha aur jis tarah se aapne apne kahani me ek high level vaishali ka charecter creat kiya uss se to ummiden kahin aur jayda badh jati hai... I was shocked when I read the concept of high water pressure murder or murder with hard ice edge...

Aap ki lekhni aur representation iss se kahin behtar deserve karti kyonki undoubtedly jo Physco concept aapke dimag me tha ... It is one the best story concept...

Best of luck for your contest ....

 

[Ankitarani]

Dream Girl by Ankitarani

Soch'kar gaya tha, padhne ja raha hun romance aur padhe aaye Physco thrill ... Kamal ki urja hai aap ki lekhni me Ankita ji manna parega... Hats off... Surwat me to aisa feel hua ki Abhishek, Riya aur Ravi ke bich romance ka knockout triangular series chalne wala hai...

Niche jab letter aaya tere mere bich me jo aayega maara jayega.... Tab laga ki ye Riya aur Ravi dono mil'kar kahani ko anjaam de rahe hai ... Lekin sabse aakhir me chamtkarik roop se Ravi aa gaya...

Isme koi 2 rai nahi ki kahani ka concept bahut badhiya tha lekin presentation me bahut jyada chuk ho gayi.... Ek Physco thrill me ... Uska murder procedure aur investigation dono jaan hoti hai... Na to murder investigation tha kahin aur na hi muder procedure... Aisa laga jaise katl par katl ho rahe hain... Goli marna aasan hota hai but ek cold blood muder...

Ek jagah par ek hi waqt me 2 ghar ke log mare gaye... Itne muder ho rahe the aur aisa lag raha tha police kisi jeb katre ki talash kar rahi ho... Riya ke papa mar gaye aur wo murder mystry discuss kar rahi hai ... So isme koi 2 rai nahi ki yah ek week representation tha...

A little bit disappointed also kyonki ye aap ka favourite genera tha aur jis tarah se aapne apne kahani me ek high level vaishali ka charecter creat kiya uss se to ummiden kahin aur jayda badh jati hai... I was shocked when I read the concept of high water pressure murder or murder with hard ice edge...

Aap ki lekhni aur representation iss se kahin behtar deserve karti kyonki undoubtedly jo Physco concept aapke dimag me tha ... It is one the best story concept...

Best of luck for your contest ....

Heheheh...are ....shittt...apne kya pdh liya....agr mujhe pta hoya ki ap j
Ise pdhoge ...to mai apko mna kr deti...
Apne to bhi tareef krdi thodi si...mere husab se ye bahut hi bekar...or ghtiya kahani thi...
Isko mene bs 1ghnte me sochke typ kiya tha...itni speed se typ kiya...ki kuch sichne ka time hi nhi tha...bs jo dimak me aata gya...thoosti gyi.....

Ye story ap dekh skte ho...12 bje ke bad tk mai ise edit krti rhi...jdbki dr tha ki ye disqualify ho jayegi...
Bad me.. The Immortal , ji se....or kai admins se mene request ki...ki ise delet kr de...mene kaha unse ...ki mera concept bahut acha hai..yha se delet krdo...ise or bahatreen bnakar mai chahre normal thread pr post kr dungi...babut request ki un logo se...pr wo nhi maane...
nain11ster ji...mujhe pta hota ap ise pdh rhe ho...mai apko mna kr deti...mujhe lga tha ap docomo wali pdhoge ..

Agr ye log is story ko delet kr dete..to mai isi concept ke sath...is story ko itna khtrnaal bnati....ki pdhne walo ka dimak ghum jaata.....or ek baat or ..agr ise mai pahle likhti time mil pata mukhe...to bhi ye itni bahtren hoti ki ek bar judges ki nigah is pr tik jrur jaati..mene docomo wali bahaut achhe se likhi thi or last me usme words jada ho gye...wha dimak khrab...bs ...fir 2000words cut kiya...or uska bhi satyanash hua...
Or iska to pucho hi mt...
Presentaton...investigation,iska last ..suspanse ...sb kuch isme ghatiya tha...bs...iska concept achha tha...kash wo delet kr dete...
Khair...koi baat nhi...or jo bhi is coment ko pdhe...meri is story ko na hi pdhe to achha hai...mai khud isse nakhush hu...
Thank nain11ster ji....and soryy apka time waste hue is story ki vajah se...

 

[nain11ster]

Love Triangle by _ABHAY_Smarty_


Mujhe ek baat jan'ni hai ... Nahi 2 baat... Pahla to ye ki raat ke 2 baje wo ladka apni heroin sapna ko yaad kar raha tha... Kya alarm laga'kar yaad karna shuru kiya tha... Yadi aisi baat nahi thi to wo khana kha'kar jaise hi bistar par aaya tabhi se yaad karne lagta...

Dusra ki hero ka naam bata deyo... 7000 words me ek sapna hi naam yaad raha mujhe aur koi naam nahi... Haan Kabir hai ladke kaa naam lekin jara 15-20 baar type kar dete.... Kabir I love u muahhh... Kabir I miss u muahhh.... Tab to yaad rahta...

Khair itni lambi love story wo bhi single devdas emotion ke bich padhva dena wo bhi 7000 words me ... Hats off... ufff ye bachpan ki love story umr 95 tak chale tab to jine ka maza hi aa jaye... Dil me kuchh kuchh hota hai type wali feeling... Ahhh kya dikhaya tha aapne bachpan ki love istory ko .... Maza aa gaya uss ghonchu kabeer ke muh se sun'kar...

Lekin love tringle ka concept me ye bachpan ki love story kabhi fit nahi baith'ti... Aapke likhne ka andaz bahut pyara .... Bahut pyara hai... Shabd pure feel ke sath dil se nikalte hain lekin aap story ka chunav filmon se influence hokar karte hai... Jis wajah se aapki writing a weak plot me fansakar rah jati hai...

Aap itna pyara likhte hain ... Ki shabd dil me utarte hain lekin wahin kahani ke chayan me aap ki lekhni maar kha jati hai... Mera humble request hai... Dimag se har influenced ko nikal'kar ek kalpna ko thoda ground reality ke sath soch'kar apne fantasy ko par dijiye... Aap romantic kahani likhne me sabko pichhe chhod denge...

Best of luck for your contest

 

[Ankitarani]

Story ~ DOCOMO I LOVE YOU
Writer ~ Ankitarani ​

Kahani - - yeh kahani hai ek aise insaan ki jo bezuban janwaro se nafrat karta tha.... khaskar kutto se.. wajah, kyunki bachpan mein ek kutte ne kaat liya tha jiske chalte 14 injections lagani padi..
Yeh nafart aur gussa is kadar badhka jab uski biwi ne apne sath ek kutta le aayi apni sasural.. us kutte ko yaani docomo ke jab jab khana khilati ya pyar karti uski biwi sangeeta... wo dekh Amul ka gussa aur nafrat asaman chuta.. Khair.... din gujare aur ek bure waqt ka daud aaya unki jindagi mein.. delivery ke waqt complications ke chalte Sangeeta chal basi... jaate jaate usne ek chitthi ke jariye keh gayi apne pati ko ki uske pyare docomo khyaal rakhe... ab pehle jaisa mahol na raha... Amul docomo ke sath seher sift ho gaya aur wohi rehne laga.. lekin yunki ushe lagta tha ki saari fasad ki jad ye docomo hi hai... isliye khana pina thik se nahi deta aur na uska dhyan rakhta... ishi bich as a company representative ke taur par interview dene gaya tab had hi ho gayi.... interview ka rukh mod diya kutto insaano ke sambandho ko leke... Khair wahan bhi kaafi tamasha hua... Wahan Amul ka tha yahin kahna ki kutte ki life zyada achhi hai... mehnat to insaan karte hai aur kutte baithe bithaye khate hai.. jiske chalte social sites pe kaafi viral hua wo aur docomo.. ab jitne bhi bezuban janwar premi log the, unhone docomo ko hero aur Amul ko villain bana diya to iska bhi sara dosh Amul docomo pe hi lagaya aur wish maangne laga ki kash wo docomo hota tab wo bhi bina kaam kiye hi aiysho aaram ki jindagi ji sakta tha.... ab yeh upor wale kripa ya sangeeta ki ruh ki... Amul ka aatma docomo mein aur docomo ki aatma Amul mein badal gayi... aur yahin se Amul ki soch badli janwaro ki prati khas taur pe kutto ke prati.....bezuban janwar banke wo bezuban janwaro ka dard samjha... khas kar docomo ka dard samjha.. aur jab insaan bana apni jindagi jitna ho sake bezuban janwaro ke naam kar diya... unki madad khana dene se leke rehne tak ki jagah kharid kar de diya...

Ab aate hai sameeksha par - - wo kehte hain na dudh ka jala chaas bhi funk funk kar pita hai.. thik waisa hi Amul ke sath bhi hua... uske mann mein kutto ko lekar dar tha, wo dar ushe baar baar yahin ishara karta ki chaahe docomo jitna paltu kutta kyun na ho lekin kya bharosha yeh bhi kaat le kabhi na kabhi ... aur ye dar jalan mein tab tabdil huyi jab usne jana ki ye docomo uski biwi ke bhai jaisa hai... aur jab dekha ki uski biwi Sangeeta bilkul ek family member ki tarah hi docomo khayal rakhti thi .. aur tab se docomo se ek ankahin nafrat si karne laga wo... wohi dusri aurr komal dil Sangeeta, jishe bezuban janwaro se hai bahot lagav, jisne antim saans tak docomo khayal rakhti rahi.. Wo yeh baat bhi bhali bhanti janti thi ki chahe kuch bhi jaaye uski antim kahi huyi baatein ya ichha ko jarur manenge uske pati Amul... isliye marne se pehle wo chitthi chhod gayi.. ek akhiri tammana ke sath ki uske jaane ke baad docomo ka khayal rakhe Amul... kyunki uske jaane ke baad docomo kahi lawaris si jindagi na jiye... Khair... Amul chahe jitna nafrat kar le docomo se par usse zyada pyar apni biwi Sangeeta se karta tha... ab apni biwi ki akhiri ichha ko kaise taal sakta hai.... par laakh chahe biwi se pyar ya uski antim ichha ko nibhane koshish kare par us dar aur nafrat ka kya jo bachpan se hi mann mein baith gaya tha....aur upor se yahan to baat ek jalan ki bhi thi... kyunki ushe lagta tha ki Sangeeta jitna ushe pyaar karti thi utna docomo ko bhi.. isliye shayad chahe kuch bhi bura hua ho uske sath, uski nazar sara dosh docomo ka....iske chalte zyada dhyan bhi nahi deta docomo ke prati.. na yeh khayal rakhta ki usne khana khaya ki nahi..... aur us interview mein jo hua, uske ke baad yahin lage ki ab baat sirf dar aur nafrat ki nahi balki ek paltu bezuban kutte ke prati jalan bhavna hi rah gaya hai ... khud ko usse compare karke us bezuban ke prati jalan bhavna.. .. uska sara soch vichar is kadar ho gaya tha ki ushe lagne laga tha ki bezuban docomo ki jindagi zyada behtar usse... .. actually ye ek tarah ki insaani fitarat hi hai.... Agar aapke sath kuch anchahi ghatnaye ho aur uske chalte aapko gussa aaye to us gusse ko nikalne ke liye ek jariya chahiye.. .ab wo jariya chaahe koi chij ya phir koi insaan ho ya phir koi bezuban jaanwar hi kyun na ho... is kahani ke mamle mein Amul ka gussa nikalne jariya bana wo bezuban docomo... aur upor se usse pehle se hi jalan aur nafrat tha hi....
lekin yehin pe ek ajab aur gajab ka natakiya mod aaya kahani mein..... Amul ki soch ko badlne ke liye.. .. aur wo hua jo soch se bhi pare ho.. dono ki aatmaye badal gaye... Nuksan to nahi lekin faide anek huye iske chalte.... jahan bezuban janwaro ko nafrat karne wala Amul janwaro ka khayal rakhne wala, unka rakhwala ban baitha.. wohi dusri taraf wo yeh baat bhali bhanti jaan gaya ki bezuban janwar chaahe bol nahi sakte lekin unka pyaar aur balidaan niswarth hote hai...

kahani ka koi pasandida kirdaar aur kyun?

docomo.... chaahe jitna bhi bhukha kyun na ho kabhi Amul par bhokha nahi... hamesha apna malik hi samjha.. infect jab wo insaan bana tab bhi wohi farz nibhaya... kabhi Amul ko bhukha rehne nahi diya yahan tak ki bahar ghum ne firne ke liye ki rok tok nahi kiya... aur sabse aham baat usne Amul ko ehsaas dilaya ki bhale hi jiv jantu bezuban hote hai, apne hak ke liye ladte hai, lekin insaano ke tarah swarthi to hargiz nahi...

kya kirdaar aapko vastavik lage?

Haan kahani ke sabhi kirdaar vastavik hi lage... bas yeh jo aatma badal jaane wali baat yeh thodi atpati si lagi... Khair.... yeh bhi ek jarurat thi kahani mein aur kahani ke mul kirdaar mein badlaw lane ke liye .. iske bina shayad Amul shayad mahsoos nahi kar pata bezuban janwaro ke dukh dard ko, khaskar docomo ke bhavnao ko ...

kahani padhke koi anuman ya koi sandesh chupi hai kahani mein..?

ab kahani jab Ankitarani mam ki ho to yahan kahani mein jarur koi na koi sandesh ya baat chupi huyi hogi hi.. ek sandesh un logo ke liye jo bezuban janwaro pe atyachar karte hai.... Ki agar wohi atyachar un logo pe ho to kaisa lagega.... Agar yeh kahani ek baar waise log padh le shayad unke mann mein badlaw aa jaaye thik Amul ki hi tarah..
agar kuch logo mein bhi aa jaaye ye kahani padh to shayad lekhika jo mehnat ki kahani pe wo sarthak ho jaaye...

kahani ka sabse pasandida bhag aur kyun?

well... kahani mein kayi pasandida bhag hai kayi mudde bhi hai... lekin sabse pasandida bhag wo jab Amul ko docomo ko apna liya.. na keval ushe balki aas paas jitne bezuban janwar the unko bhi apna liya.... unka khayal rakhne laga.

Kuch vishesh prakar ke drishya likhe gaye the... udaharan ke liye koi dukhad ya tanavpurn drishya?

aise kayi drishya the par sabse tanavpurn drishya yeh ki jab docomo bina khaye bhukha akela us ghar ya flat mein band rehta tha
aur sabse dukhad drishya.. jab sangeeta yeh duniya chhod ke chali gayi aur jab ushe chita pe jalaya jaa raha tha tab wahan pe dur baitha docomo apni malkin, apni sabse pyaari dost ki jalti chita ko dekh raha tha...

Kahani ne aapko hasaya ya rulaya?

kahani mein kayi mod hote jishe padh kabhi hanshi bhi aaye aur aise mod hote hai jishe pad rone ko jee kare... well yahan yeh dono mod the... aur lekhika ne jis tarike se in sabhi mod ko pesh ki hai wo sach mein adbhut aur atulaniya hai..

waise sabse hasne wala drishyo mein se ek Kalu aur uske sathiyo ke dialogues...
phir agle pal hi rulane wala drishya jab wo bezuban kutta apne malik ko bachane ke liye khud ki jaan kurbaan kar diya..

Kya kahani ne ant tak jure rahne ke liye majboor kiya...?

shat pratishat...... kahani ki lay jis prakar ki thi... lage ki yeh kahani khatam hi na ho... par har kahani ka ek ant hota hai aur is kahani ka bhi ant hua lekin badi khushi ki baat ye hai ki ek sukhad ant hua..
naye readers se yahin kahu ki ek baar jarur padhe is kahani ko.. kahani ke ant tak jude rehne ko majboor kar degi ...

kahani ko leke kuch mann ki baatein - - hafte mein mujhe chaar ya panch baari non-veg chahiye par yeh kahani padhne baad lage ki main ab se vegetarian ban jau.... khas kar kahani mein us murgi aur uske chuje baare mein jaane k baad.. isse zyada kya bolu...

Kuch shabd lekhika ji ke liye - - ek insaan ke mann mein ek bezuban janwar ke liye jo jalan aur nafrat ki ki deewar thi wo kaise toot kar gir gayi.. .kaise ek janwar bezuban hote huye bhi niswarth roop se khayal rakha apne malik ka.. ki malik par sankat aane par unke liye jaan tak dene ko atur ho jaaye us waqt ... in sabhi baaton ko jis tarike se shabdon ka roop deke ek kahani ke jariye hum readers ke samaks pesh ki hai aapne wo apne apme kabile tarif hai....
Ek sikh de gayi hai kahani k jariye ki jine ka hak sabhi ko hai, sabhi ko daya, mamta, sneh ki jarurat hai aur usse badi sikh yeh ki Mahanata, achhe gun, pyaar, naramdili aur insaaniyat har insaan vishesh mein hota hai bas deri hai ushe bahar lane ki..
aise hi aage bhi likhte rahiye aur readers ka manoranjan karte rahiye...

Brilliant story line with awesome writing skills Ankitarani mam

​

Ooohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy gggggoooddddddddd .... Ye kyaaa tha...are...kitni mahnt ap review dene pr krte ho...utne me 2,5story hi nipta skte ho ap...
Jis trh se ap revo dete ho...sachhhi...kahani likhne pr aajao tosbki chhutii hi kr do....
Mtlb...story ko nichod dete ho bilkul...
Story se achha to logo ko apka coment pdhma lgega...jo story me nhi hai wo bhi apke revo me mil ajaega...aisa hi hua hai...
Yha words ke chalte bahut sari scene mujhe delet krne pde...
Amul ke pure 7din ka safar isme tha...
Prr sb delet kiya ..pe us safar me jo tha...wo sb apne hi dikha diya...
Thank u naina ji itne achhe revo ke lie...thanks again..

 

[Mahi Maurya]

Hmm.. Sochaa tha nam ke hisab se kahani hogi... pr kafi different thi... ya yu kahe Naam Match nahi kr rhaa kahani se.... Raja Ek achha ladkaa thaa wo to halato ne use blatkarvkarne par majbur kar diyaa jiskaa reason bhi Hayaa hi thi....

Kafi twist hai kahani me... km shbdo me shayad ye kahani utna empactfull naa bn payi.... Something missing as i think.... Hope ise deatail ke sath ap likhoge...

Kher kahte hai naa ant bhlaa to sb bhalaa... Haayaa ko uski galti ka ehsas ho jata hai aur fir dono khushi khushi jeewan yapan karne lgte hai...

​

बहुत बहुत धन्यवाद आपका स्वाती जी इतनी खूबसूरत प्रतिक्रिया देने के लिए।

शब्दों के प्रतिबंध के कारण कहानी में कुछ न कुछ कमी तो रह ही गई है। जिसे मैं पूरी कहानी लिखकर दूर करने की कोशिश करूँगी। और उम्मीद करती हूँ कि उसमें भी आप अपनी मूल्यवान प्रतिक्रिया कहानी की खामियोंऔर अच्छाइयों के बारे में मुझे अवगत कराएगी।

 

[nain11ster]

DOCOMO I LOVE YOU by Ankitarani

Tukke me mil gayi thi aisi kahani, ya tapasya kiya kisi dubbed movie ko dekhne ke baad gahnton, jo finally ye nikal kar aayi...


Really it was fabulous...


A complete perfect story... But not short story haan... 7000 words ke short story nahi hote... What to say ... U have judiciously use your every word count and deserve a standing :clap2:..

Ek sampoorn kahani jisme aap sab kuch apne najron ke samne hote dekhte hain... Kahin kisi ke emotion aur feeling se koi chhed chhad nahi... Koi jabardasti wala marmik drishya dikhane ki kosis nahi kiya gaya ki, yadi koi vaykti kisi jaanvar se nafrat karta hai to wah kurur aur atyachari hai... Kabhi yah dikhane ki kosis nahi ki gayi ki patni se kiya hua wada thik se nahi nibha pa raha hai to wah dhokebaaj hai...

This is one of the perfect point which always count... When u honest with your each and every charecter... When u think practically ... And the result would became like... "Docomo I love u"... We love u too docomo....

Hasya vyang ... Me likhi gayi yah kahani apne sabhi drishtikon se poorn hai... Fir wo Amul ke shoorwati jeevan se le'kar, aakhri daur me hriday pariwartan tak ho... ya fir ek kaam kaji aadmi ka apni mari hui patni se kiya gaya wada nibhana ho... Bavjood iske ki wah kutton se shuru se nafrat karte aaya tha.... Fir Us ankahe pyar ko bhi paribhashit kar dena, jiski chahton ke karan Amul ne na to dusri shaadi ki aur naa hi Docomo ko bahar nikala...

Aakhir me,..... chhota kintu santulit kirdar docomo ka vyavhar dikhana, jo kabhi badla hi nahi... Upar se wo murgi ke bacche bhi kafi pyare the. Bach gaya wo chuja, mohalle me sarif kutte the, warna kutton ke bhojan to ban hi jata...


Plot suerb .... Haan lekin kahani ka major part, Amul ka Docomo ban'na aur docomo ka insan ban'na... inspired hai movie se ... main ise nigative nahi manta, kyonki har kahani kahin na kahin se inspired hoti hai... Lekin aap ke ideas aur kahani likhne ki kala ne char chand kaga diye...


Comedy .. emotions, storyline, pratyaksh aur 1 apratayksh kirdaron ke bich panapti ek mithi si kahani, jiski jitni tarif ki jaye kam hai...


Jitna disappointed aapki dusri story ne kia tha ... Uske thik viprit iss kahani ne na sirf Dil jita balki ek alag hi chaap chhodi hai... contest me aapne to alag hi level set kar diya hai...

Best of luck for contest...