★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Papa ki Ghadi by abhay smarty

Title padh kar mujhe aisa laga jaise koi bhawnatmak kahani hogi jisme "Papa ki ghadi" se judi kai khatti mithi Yaden hongi... Khair badte hain review par...

1) writing skill :- Aap ki writing skill achi hai, story ka timeline aur time frame acha kar lete hain. Main spelling mistake par vises dhyan nahi deta lekin kuch words jaise ... कहां .. jise aap "Khan" likhte hai wo bahut hi ajib feel karwata hai... Sahi shabd hai.. "kahan".. usi prakar "jahan" ko aap ne "jha" kar diya padhe waqt aisa lag raha tha jaise kisi naam ka title padh raha hun... Khan, jha.. ispar thoda kaam karne ki jaroorat hai.

2) Storyline :- Kahani shuru hoti hai ek old filmy scene se jahan kuch baton ko le kar aapsi matbhed hota hai aur gunda paksh kisi ko goli mar deta hai... Sare samwad aur pura scene aisa lag raha tha jaise kisi picture se utha kar likh diya gaya ho... Koi creativity nahi dikhi..

Uske aage jo kahani ka dusra paksh hai hero side .. uski kahani aage badhate hain aur... Yahan mujhe pata nahi kyon aisa lag raha tha ki main koi short story nahi apitu words ko pura karne ke liye ek detailes story padh raha hun...

Mujhe to itne detail me story lag rahi thi jaise ki kahin ab ye bhi na jaye ki Rony bathroom gaya.. fir bathroom se nikla... Itne detail me har kam ko dikhana ek short story me kahin se justify nahi hota... Upar se charecterization jab hua to hero ko manchala aur aashiq mizaz kaha gaya.. jabki aage story me jimmedar aur ghar ke liye kuch karne wala dikhaya gaya... Sath me ye bhi ki ladka 5 sal se apne bade bhai ki madad karne ki kosis kar raha hai... Khair mujhe in dono baton me koi link na laga ki ek jimmedar awara .. laundiya patamewala kaise ban gaya...

Fir mumbai ka scene aur murder ki jagah par pizza delivery wo bhi andhere me... Ye scene to hazam hi nahi hua... Is se acha to phyco killer with comedy story likh dete to acha hota... waise shuru me to rape jaisa koi scene na tha fir wo apni jio kahe band kar raha tha...

Upar se ye kahan tak justify hai ki ek safe jagah jahan us kavita ka murder ho raha tha wahan us ladke ko chhod diya jata hai aur fir baad me sadak par humla karwaya jata hai...

Confusion hai bhai sahab .. kyonki main murder kar raha hota to pizza ka dilivary bahar leta aur use bahar se bahar hi bhej deta ... Aur nahi .. mujh me murder karne ka fitur sawar hota to main murder ki jagah par dilivery leta free me pizza khata aur dono ko ek sath conteiner ke ander mar dalta... Wait nahi karta ki pahle ladki maregi fir khyal ayega ladke ne dekh liya to use bhi marna hai...

So overall complete weak story line jime koi mehnat nahi ki gayi thi..

Positive points:- salute the writer attitude ... Matlab aap ki lekhni me dum to hai boss... Bilkul sahi dhang se likhi gayi line... Time frame karna.. kahani ko rochak banane ki prayas achi thi jaise ki pahla ek hard scene uske bad storyline aur timeline dono change.. jo kahin na kahin aage padhne ko vivas karte hain … fir mumbai ka samnya jivan.. aur fir na chah kar bhi ek crime me fas jana.. wakai achi kosis thi

Negative points :- too weak story line.. over explaned scenes, old hindi movie dialogue.. injustice title name, injustice with limited words.. lack of visualization .. aur anth me aap ki story me itne twist the ki yadi aap jaldbaji na karte aur story ke upar kaam karte to ye ek epic thrill story hoti…

Points... 6 out of 10 (3 for your writing skill, 1 for your hard work for writing, 2 for your storyline)

* Mujhe manf kijiyga yadi aap ko bura laga ho to.. aksar tarif ke piche hum apni kamiyon ko nahi sun'na chahte hain ... Aur yadi koi kami bata de to wo insan bura ho jata hai.... Lekin maine yahan wahi likha jo majne padha .. aur main ek honest reader hun.. likha gaya ek shabd nahi chhorta .. pura pdhta hun

Thank you so So much nainu sir for such a beautiful and lovely review.....
Story ko aapne jiss nazariye se dekha yeh mere ideol writer hi kar sakte hai... Kya krun mai rahul or paridhi ki story toh nahi dikha sakta... ???
Rahi baat story ki toh pichle story mai sabko kuch na kuch confission reh gai thi kuch points story mai words ki kami ke karan me samjha nahi paya isliye ise maine har tarah ki poori koshish ki ke kisi ko koi quirries na reh jaaye..... Jo shayad kuch jayada hi ho gya... Ha ha ha...
Isme bura kya maana mujhe isse bhut kuch seekhne ko milega jo next time mere kaam aayega... Or rahi baat kuch mistakes ki woh jaldi me ho gya jo ki fix ho jayega...

At the ty so much for love and support... And keeo inspired me...

 

[Naina]

Story = Papa ki ghadi
Writer = _ABHAY_Smarty_


writer sahab ne kahani mein thriller se leke horror tak mishran ki hain.... .aur sach mein kahani padhne mein kaafi shandaar aur rochak rahi....
waise kahani mein kuch cheeje gour kiya jaye .....
jaise rony ko home town mein hi naukari na milna.. phir dosto salaha mashware pe naukari ke talash mein mayanagari Mumbai jana.... bahot muskilo ki baad ek sadharan si naukari milna..jo ki shayad uske shahar mein mil sakta tha.... Lekin Khair, phir naukari ke chakkar mein us jagah jaa pahunchna... jahan pe kuch samay pehle do logo ne apne matlab ke liye mantrana karke do nirdosh logo ko bahot hi nirdayata se maar dala tha ... bhabhi ki delivery ke liye mayanagri aana.. Bade bhai ka khushi dekh bhav bivor hoke baik chalana.. kavita se milna... phir un dono kaatil se intikam lena... yeh sabhi alag samay pe ghatit hai par ek dushre se judi huyi hain... aur yeh saari ghatnaye bas ittefaq nahi ho sakta... shayad undono kaatil ko unki kiye gaye kukaram ki saza dene ke liye jaise niyati ne yeh khel racha tha ...
aur ant mein ek anokha rishta.. kavita ne bhatiji ki roop rony ke ghar janm li... mano aisa lage ki sayad upor wale ne bhi kavita ke jholi khushiya bhar di ho...
bure karm karke log sochte hain ki bach jayenge lekin uski saza pehle se hi tay ho jati hai... aur ishi jindagi mein bhugatna padta hai chahe pratyaksha roop se ho ya apratyaksha roop se... shayad writer sahab hume ishi ko dikhana chahte the jisme woh sampurn roop se kamyab rahe ..
So _ABHAY_Smarty_ Brilliant story line with awesome writing skill

 

[Akki ❸❸❸]

Haivaan... ( The Devil ? )
writer - _ABHAY_Smarty_

review dena to itna acha ata nahi
Lekin naina ji ki tarah itna keh sakta hu dil se

Brilliant story with awesome writing Skills

 

[chintu222]

Fake Feminism
By : Akki ❸❸❸

Feminism aaj ke time ka ek bahaut hee charchit vishay hai...aur iske upar jitna bhi kaho ya vichar karo utna kam hai
Abb baat karein aapki iss choti si kahani ki..isme keval feminism ka ek vo pehlu dikhaya gaya hai jo ki aksar colleges mein hota hai..kaise kuch log ise Fake tarah se istemal karte hain..aur aapki last line ki ek baar jo isme fansa vo fans hee jata hai..ye bhadia lagi
Overall ye kahani kaafi kamjor lagi mujhe..agar aap chahte toh kaafi ache se iss topic par ek shaandar kahani likh sakte the..jo ki word limits ka bhi bakhubi dhyan rakhti.
Fir bhi..thanks for writing this story on thie topic...and All The Best

 

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Story - " Papa ki Ghadi "



Link- https://xforum.live/threads/★☆★-xforum-ultimate-story-contest-2020-entry-thread-★☆★.16291/post-1487747



Writer- _ABHAY_Smarty_



About story-

Story ek south movie taxiwala se inspire hai , kuchh badlaw ke sath , narration achchi hai , kahi kahi bas thodi spelling mistake mil jati hai jo ki jaldi jaldi typing ke karn hui hai .. jaise k ki jagah par j likha gaya hai kyoki dono key aaju baju hote hai

Story ek thriller hai jisme thoda emotion ka bhi tadka hai isliye story ke bare me kuch batana spoiler ho jayega ..

Flow achcha hai ek short lekin 5k word ki story ko padhne me bhi bahut hi kam samay laga ye achche folw se hi sambhaw ho pata hai ..

Roney ke bhaiya bhabhi ke liye roney unke khud ke bachche ki tarah tha aur roney bhi unhe bahut hi pyar karta hai , isliye wo unke dukh takleefo ko dur karna chahta hai aur job karke apne bhai ki arthik roop se madad karna chahta hai ..

Lekin isi bich wo ek purane case me bhi fans jata hai ..

Baki kya hota hai wo khud padhne se hi pata chalega ….

Note for writer –

Abhay bhai badiya story likhi hai aapne aur bahut mehnat bhi ki hai

Lagta hai aap movies bahut dekhte hai

Story achchi thi lekin ek nasiyat bhawishy ke liye dunga , jab aap roman me likhte ho to likhne ke bad ek bar aur padh lena chahiye .. khaskar jab short story likh rahe ho ..

Jo galti is bar aapse hui hai wahi mujhse pichhali bar hui thi , short story ko ham log ek flow me likhte hai aur isme bahut sare mistake bhi kar jate hai jo hame likhte samay pata nahi chalta , jaise sabse common spellings me mistake hota hai .. uske bad bhi kuchh galtiya ho jati hai jaise ki aapne likha hai ki ghadi ne jab rony se pahli bar bat ki ..

aur uske ans me rony ne kaha

ab ynha par usne rony ka naam hi nahi pukara tha

Ye galti flow me likhne ke karn hui hai , ek bar aap khud padhte to ise pakad lete , aise kuch aur points bhi dikhe mujhe , chhoti chhoti bate hai lekin inhe aasani se halke mehnat se sudhara ja sakta hai

Baki story achchi lagi mujhe, aapne kaha tha ki horror hai to main dar raha tha ki rat ke 1 baje padh raha hu lekin aapne sach kaha tha itani bhi darawani nahi hai



Best of luck for contest ?

Ty so much dr sahaab... Aapki paarkhi nazar se kuch nahu bach sakta movie aap bhi bhut dekhte ho... ???

Rahi baat story ki toh aapne padhi hi hai .. story ka track bhut alag hai movie se kuch jayada hi... Bhut saare changes kiye hai maine jisse kahi se bhi yeh copy na lage jo ki hai bhi nahi....

At last story me mistake maine words ko kai baar check karwaaya tha fir bhi fass gya mai... Shayad likhte likhte thak gya... Ty for informing... Sab fix kar diya hai maine.... Jo ki change ho jayega...

At the end keep supporting me.. i am always there to support you.... ??

 

[Akki ❸❸❸]

Papa ki ghadi
Writer - _ABHAY_Smarty_

Bhout hi bdiya story
first se bhi better
Mujhe to first bhi badiya lagi thi

 

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Story = Papa ki ghadi
Writer = _ABHAY_Smarty_


writer sahab ne kahani mein thriller se leke horror tak mishran ki hain.... .aur sach mein kahani padhne mein kaafi shandaar aur rochak rahi....
waise kahani mein kuch cheeje gour kiya jaye .....
jaise rony ko home town mein hi naukari na milna.. phir dosto salaha mashware pe naukari ke talash mein mayanagari Mumbai jana.... bahot muskilo ki baad ek sadharan si naukari milna..jo ki shayad uske shahar mein mil sakta tha.... Lekin Khair, phir naukari ke chakkar mein us jagah jaa pahunchna... jahan pe kuch samay pehle do logo ne apne matlab ke liye mantrana karke do nirdosh logo ko bahot hi nirdayata se maar dala tha ... bhabhi ki delivery ke liye mayanagri aana.. Bade bhai ka khushi dekh bhav bivor hoke baik chalana.. kavita se milna... phir un dono kaatil se intikam lena... yeh sabhi alag samay pe ghatit hai par ek dushre se judi huyi hain... aur yeh saari ghatnaye bas ittefaq nahi ho sakta... shayad undono kaatil ko unki kiye gaye kukaram ki saza dene ke liye jaise niyati ne yeh khel racha tha ...
aur ant mein ek anokha rishta.. kavita ne bhatiji ki roop rony ke ghar janm li... mano aisa lage ki sayad upor wale ne bhi kavita ke jholi khushiya bhar di ho...
bure karm karke log sochte hain ki bach jayenge lekin uski saza pehle se hi tay ho jati hai... aur ishi jindagi mein bhugatna padta hai chahe pratyaksha roop se ho ya apratyaksha roop se... shayad writer sahab hume ishi ko dikhana chahte the jisme woh sampurn roop se kamyab rahe ..
So _ABHAY_Smarty_ Brilliant story line with awesome writing skill

Ohh myy God... Ty so much pyaali naina ji.... One of the best review jo kabhi bhi mujhe yaa kisi story ko mila ho... Aap jiss nazariye se story ko dekhte ho wakai kabilye tareef hai....

Sach mai din ban gya mera ise padh kar or confidence bhi jaag chuka hai.... Aage likhne ke liye..

Hartley Very mUch Thank you... ? Syad aage peeche ho gya...

 

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Haivaan... ( The Devil ? )
writer - _ABHAY_Smarty_

review dena to itna acha ata nahi
Lekin naina ji ki tarah itna keh sakta hu dil se

Brilliant story with awesome writing Skills

Ty so much bhai for love and support... ????

 

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Papa ki ghadi
Writer - _ABHAY_Smarty_

Bhout hi bdiya story
first se bhi better
Mujhe to first bhi badiya lagi thi

Ty so much bhai....
Kuch adhoora tha first me jo poora kar diya second mai... ??

 

[_ABHAY_Smarty_]

Bharsaat ki raat ( begging of life)


dosto ek short story hai,.is story mein ek ladka jiska naam raja hai. Wo kis tarah apne maa aur bahan ki raksha karta hai. Kaise apni pratigya puri karta hai.

apni maa k dawara shikhaye gaye shiksha ko kaise apni jivan mein lata hai. Aur kis tarah apni pariwar ke do waqt ki roti ke liye kisa gulam banane ke liye bhi taiyar hota hai.

baki to aap sab ko story padh kar pata chal jayega.

Bhaiyaaaa kya kar diye fir story aadhi aayi hai... Or isko aap edit nahi kr sakte mode se jaiye woh aapko solution denge warna story disqualified ho jayegi...