UPDATE 3
“lawda aa jana chahiye tha…ab main thahra sanyasi aadmi jaha do botal daru, do packet chakna aur do cigarette ke sath do kadam zameen mili…bas wahi apni duniya…khair tu bata choda ki nahi….”
Main aur bhi bahut kuch Varun se puchta…aur bhi bahut kuch Varun ko apne adventurous last night ke bare me batata…lekin tabhich ek jordar aawaz mere kano me padi…jise sunke meri to fati hee…par Varun ki to fat ke hath me aa gayi…wo aawaz jisne hum dono ki fad di thi wo aawaz Sonam ki girlfriend Varun….mera matlab Varun ki girlfriend Sonam ki aawaz thi…
“are you guys fucking kidding me….”
“no…but According to Shri Arman’s law… the total anger emitted per unit time by Sonam is directly proportional to the fourth power of our fear….”calculation karte hue main sirf itna hee bol paya…
“Varun…tumhe to main baad me siddha karti hoon…lekin Arman tumne abhi jo kuch bhi mere aur Nisha ke bare me kaha hai…wo main ek-ek shabd jakar Nisha ko batane wali hoon…asshole”itna kahkar Sonam to waha se khisak li lekin hum dono bhari tension me aa gaye….tension kya,mujhe to aisa laga jaise kisi ne meri lulli hee kat li ho…
“Varun…that’s why, I hate everyone….aakhir freedom of speech bhi koyi chiz hai ki nahi is desh me….aakhir log sanvidhan ka palan kyun nahi karte ”
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Maine Nisha aur Sonam ke bare me jo uche vichar thodi der pahle vyakt kiye the us-se jyada tension mujhe honi chahiye thi aur Varun ko shanti se baith kar shantipath karna chahiye tha…lekin aisa bilkul nahi ho raha tha…Varun tension me pure flat me ghoom raha tha aur idhar main aaram se baith kar aaram kar raha tha….
“Goldflake Lite is better…”cigarette ke dhue ka chhalla banate hue maine kaha “abey try to mar”
“Arman…what the….”kheej kar Varun bolte-bolte ruk gaya..
“what the hell or what the fuck ? anyway, what does that ASSHOLE term even mean….Gand ka ched…? ye kaisi gali hai be…”
“tu kabhi kabhi bahut over ho jata hai be Arman…ab phhir se Sonam ko manane me kayi din lag jayenge…”
“dekh bidu…wo sab apun dekh lega…lekin abhi mujhe interview ke liye jana hai, isliye ye sab baate baad me…”
“interview..”shocked hote hue Varun ne puchha “kaha…”
“Machine ke parts design karne wali ek company hai ,wahi maine resume dala tha…”bachi kuchi cigarette ko ungali me fasakar dustbin me nishana sadhte hue main bola “aur unhone resume accept kar liya… goal…”
“congrats…toh finally tu serious hone laga hai…par dekhna kahi pichhali wali company ki tarah ye bhi tujhe bahar na fek de…be careful”
“hmm…uh”
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Interview dene main full taiyar hokar aur full taiyari ke sath gaya tha, actually mujhe lagbhag wo sabhi question pahle se hee maloom the jo wo waha puchhane wale the ,jiske liye jawab bhi maine soch rakha tha….Interview dene main time se decided venue me pahucha lekin mujhe waha kafi samay tak baitha kar rakha gaya…maine ek do baar waha baithi receptionist se puchha bhi ki ‘aur kitna time lagega’..jispar wo pahli baar to kuch nahi boli lekin mere ek aur baar puchhane par wo thoda muh banate hue boli ki
“yadi itni hee jaldi hai toh kahi aur chale jao”
Jispar maine kuch nahi kaha aur chupchap aakar jaha baithkar usne mujhe wait karne ke liye kaha tha,wahi baith kar wait karne laga….main kafi der tak waha baitha raha taqriban do ghante…nahi dhayi ghante…actually teen ghante…confirm, dhayi ghante….jiska reason ye tha ki jise mera interview lena tha wo aaya hee nahi tha……
“oh mister, mobile baad me chalana….andar jao interview ke liye…”dhayi ghante baad usi Receptionist ne mujhe aawaz dekar kaha
“BC , kitna akad rahi hai…naukari ka sawal hai, nahi to ek mukka marta to ek mahine tak dard me rahti….koyi kadra hee nahi hai, tu rook….naukari lagne de….phhir tujhe sudharunga….”Receptionist ko dekhkar main badbadaya aur sath me use thank you bhi bola….
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“I just hate everyone…”interview dene ke baad main jaise hee bahar nikla waise hee mere muh se ye line apne aap nikli…lekin kyun ? interviewer to achche the , mera interview bhi achcha gaya tha…late hone par unhone mujhe cold drink , tea , coffee ka bhi offer diya tha….phhir maine aisa kyun bola ? yes …I got it…I hate the whole mankind.
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“hello,Arman…”
“nahi ,main Arman ka papa bol raha hoon, aap kaun beta…”aawaz badalkar main bola…
“Good evening uncle, Main…Main Nisha…”thoda hichkichate hue Nisha boli…shayad wo bhi thoda soch me pad gayi thi ke mere papa kaha se Nagpur aa gaye…
“acha to tum wahi Nisha ho…jo maal dikhti aur jiske boobs…ahhhh….wait,I’m cumming….”mere itna bolte hee Nisha ne phone kat diya lekin uske turant baad usne mujhe dobara call bhi kiya….
“Arman…church ke paas wale park me abhi milo…”
“mera intezar karna….I’m cumming”kahte hue maine mobile ektaraf feka aur wapas Varun ka formal dress pahan-ne laga…jo ki room me aakar maine utar diya tha…room ke gate se maine park tak ka trajectory set kiya aur khud ko apne room se launch kar diya…lekin main park me land karta uske pahle hee mujhe yaad aaya ki main condom toh room me hee bhool gaya hoon…isliye main trajectory ko reverse mode me dalkar…wapas room par pahucha aur condoms ka packet uthaya kya pata kab zaroorat pad jaye…condoms ki…
“Arman…logo ki kadra karna sikh ja…khas kar ke unki jo teri karte hai…mera matlab hai ki tujhe kya zaroorat hai Nisha se aise baat karne ki…use dekh kitni rich hai..kitni pretty hai…lekin maine is baat ka zara sa bhi ghamannd uske andar nahi dekha….i’m sorry lekin yadi wo chahe to tere jaise kayiyo ko har din badal sakti hai…”condom ka packet lekar main nikal raha tha ki Varun ne mujhe tokte hue kaha
“one correcton please….mere jaise kayiyo ko nahi…main antique piece hoon…”Varun ki taraf palatkar main bola”aur sale din ba din mota hota ja raha hai tu…tu uski fikar kar…meri fikar mere pe chhod de…happy”
“tu pahle aisa nahi tha…mana ki tere sath kuch bura hua hai ,kuch bure log tujhe mile hai…lekin doodh ka dhula toh tu bhi nahi hai…galti to teri bhi thi…par iska matlab ye to nahi ki tu aane wale achche logo aur unki achchhayio ki kadra hee na kare…”
“ toh yadi aapka ye lecture samapt ho gaya ho to main prasthan karu…kyunki tere anusar jiski mujhe kadra karni chahiye wo park me baithi mera intezar kar rahi hai aur yadi Shri Varun ki izazat ho to main uski kadra karne jaun….”
“gand marao lawda, mujhe kya…”
“exactly….”kahte hue maine goggle lagaya aur cigarette muh me ek side dabakar ek selfie li aur room se wapas park tak ka trajectory set karke khud ko launch kiya
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“bahut jaldi nahi aa gaye”park me mere land karte hee hee Nisha taana marte hue boli aur maine do ungali apne hontho par rakhkar ishara kiya ki main cigarette pee raha tha….
“aaj tumne meri friend Shipra ko kya bola”mudde pe aate hue Nisha ne pucha..
“chal pahle thoda udhar khisak…phhir batata hoon..air friction bahut jyada tha…Kurkure sir..mera matlab Kurre sir sahi kahe the ki..aap physics ke khilaf nahi ja sakte”
“kyun idhar baithne me kya problem hai…”
“problem to mujhe teri god me bhi baithne se nahi hai..lekin iska matlab ye to nahi ki main tere god me hee baith jaun…Got it…ab chal khisak…khisak na…hadd hai…tujhe kya lagta hai ki main us side baithkar badminton khelne wali un ladkiyo ko line marunga…”
“to thik hai ,mat khisak…mujhe kya, main kal aake line mar jaunga…”
“aaj tumne meri friend Shipra ko kya bola”wapas mudde pe aate hue Nisha ne pucha..
“kaun Shipra…acha wo…..Varun ki item…ya wo item jiske paas koyi item hee nahi hai”
“ye item-item kya laga rakha hai…Arman…aisi cheap language ka istemal tum kyun karte ho, ye jante hue bhi ki mujhe aisi language pasand nahi aur jab wo meri friend ho tab to bilkul bhi hai…humari society me iske liye ek special word hai...Girlfriend….tum Shipra ko wo to kah hee sakte ho…maine kya tumhare kisi dost ko kabhi kameena…kutta kaha…nahi na…phhir tum mere friends ke liye aise words kyun istemal karte ho…aur waise bhi Shipra , Varun ki item nahi….”bolte-bolte Nisha achanak ruk gayi , kyunki josh-josh me uske muh se bhi item shabd nikal gaya tha aur main rakshasi hasi ke sath daant fadne laga
“ha…ha….ha….”