★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2019 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[Chutiyadr]

Oh bhai kahani to aapki bhi dile khus kar gae
Vesi aapka naam kya hai
Eti soni kahani likh te ho
To naam bhi sona rakho na
Apna asle naam batao
Paaji

dost meri baki stories ko padhna ,pta chla jayega ki ye naam kyo rkha hu ......

 

[Suryaa]

REVIEW

STORY - Kal ho na ho

WRITER - saagar



PLOT- writer ke dwara ek achchi koshis ki gayi hai ,ladke ko cancer aur fir usak mar jaana msg karna ,ye sab kuch bahut hi pruana theam hai aisi kahaniya salo se padhne me mil rhi hai ,to is story me mujhe kuch naya sa nhi lga ,

Lekin weiter ke effort ko njarandaj nhi kiya ja sakta,likhne ke liye unhone time diya jo ki apne aap me hi bhut badi bat hai ,

Story me kai achche lines ka upyog kiya gaya hai jise ham dialogs kah sakte hai ,comman plot par story likhna aise bhi kathin kaam hota hai ,to writer ke liye meri tarf se thumbs up …

MERITS-

1. Emotional story line rahi jo ki achchi thi ,writer ne ise sawarne me mehnat ki hai

2. Kuch line sach me achche upyog me laaye gaye hai jo ki padhne me achche lagte hai

3.last line mujhe sabse jyda pasand aayi ,kaam aaj hi kar lo kya pta kal ho na ho

DEMERITS-

1. Spelling mistakes bahut jyda hai jo ki pdhane ka maja khrab kar deta hai

FOR WRITER SAAGER - good luck dost ,achchi story thi apki

MY RATING FOR STORY- 5.5/10

Aagi so dhayan rakuga bhai

 

[MEHAR1234]

Title- "Kal ho na ho"
Ek ladka au ek ladki bhote acchi doste thi……vo dono roje ghanto ek dusri si phone par baate karte rahte thi…..aur jabe vo ek dusri si baate karti to….unhi esa lagta tha ki…es duniya mai aur koe nahi hai…bs vo dono hi hai…..jabe vo dono ek dusri si bate karte thi…us samye vo belkul bhi dhukhi..ya nirash nahi hote thi….un palo mai jabe vo ek dusri si bate kar rahi…hote thi…tabe vo keval mne si nahi…balki apni har kan si khush hoti thi.

Par ek raate ki bate hai…jabe use ladke nai ladki ko message kiya tabe

Ladka- Hey Baby!...kya kar rahi ho

Ladki- Busy hu…bade mai bate kari…mujhe abhi apne assignment pura karna hai

Ladka-Kya tume y bade mai kar sakti ho…mujhe sache mai tumsi bhote jaruri bate karni hai

Ladki- Mujhe y assignment ..kal hi pura karna hai…

Ladka- Bs ek baar ….kya hm thodi der bate kar sakti hai…paka bade mai mai kabhi bhi phone nahi karuga

Ladki- Tumhi pata hai na y assignment meri leyi kitna jaruri hai….y jante huvi bhi tum mujhe kyu pareshan kar rahi ho…..bs ek baar kal mai y assignment pura kar du…usi bade hm kale je bare kar bate karige…tke hai

Ladka(dhuki mne si)- Tke hai….mi tumsi thodi der bade sms karta hu…jb tke tum apna assignment pura kar lo

[2 ghanto ki bade]

Ladka- Baby…kya tumhara assignment pura ho gaya…..agar ha to mujhe sms kardo…mujhe tum si baate karni hai

[Kor jawab nahi]

Ladka- Raate ki 1 bjne waali hai….koe to jawab do….mujhe tumhari chinta ho rahi hai…kyat um tke ho

Ladki- Maine tumhi ketni baar bataya hai…mai abhi assignment mai busy hu…..jesi he free hougi tb mai call kar dugi….aur ha ab rate bhote ho gae hai…es leyi so jao…Good night

Ladka- Mujhe maaf kardo mari karne tum pareshane ho gae…tum apna kaam karo mai ab tumhi kabhi bhi disturb nahi karuga…God promise….and Good Night

Agle dine ki bate hai jabe , ladki nai ladke ko sms kiya….par ladke nai koe jawab nahi diya…us ladki ko y bhote ajeb laga…kyuki esa kabhi bhi nahi huva tha….usni ek baar aur try ki aur messeage beja…par es baar bhi koe jawab nahi mila….phire usni call kiya par phire si koe jawabe nahi mila

Vo puri dine call aur sms karti rahi par koe jawabe nahi mila……es karn wo ab pareshan ho gae…usi yakine hogaya tha ki kuch to galate huva hai…Vo ladka esa nahi tha ki jo ek choti si bate par us si naraz ho gae ….par vo kar bhi kya sakti thi…intezzar ki alawa

Esi taraf 3-4 dine bête gae….vo roj us ladke ko call aur message karti par …usi koe jawab nahi mila…uski raato ki ninde ude gae thi….na vo kuch khate thi…aur na hi..kesi si bate karti thi….ab usi pata chla tha ki vo ladka uski leyi ketna mayni rakhta tha …

Tabhi

Tring tring

Y awwaz sunte hi vo apni phone ki aur dhodi…aur jesi hi usni notification dekha to use ladke ka sms dekha

Ladka- Hey! Kesi ho……aur tumhara assignment kesa raha

[SMS dekh kar vo kush ho gae…..]

Ladki- Bhade mai gaya assignment…tum y batao kit um mera caal kyu nahi utha rahi thi…agar busy thi to kam si kam es SMS to kar dete…vesi kya bate karni thi tumhi bolo

Tabhi ek aur SMS aaya

Ladka-Mai tumhi y batana chahta tha ki…..Mujhe blood cancer hai…..aur eski ilage ki leyi mai Kale London jar aha hu…..aur vaha jakar mera Operation hoga….…..aur agar tum y SMS pade rahi ho to…

Ladki- Kya?? Tumhi Blood cancer hai…..tum aaram karo abhi tumhi rest karna chahiye….Mai bade mai bate kar lugi…..abhi abhi tumhar aoperation huva hai

Tabhi ek aur SMS aaya

Ladka- Agar tum y SMS pade rahi ho …to eska maltb y ki …Mai ab es duniya mai nahi hu…..meni..London jaani si phele y draft message banae thi…jenmi meni time aur date set kar diya tha…..London jani si pehel mujhe laga tha….ki sayed mai vapas jinda na lote paao……es liye meni y kiya

Y SMS pade kar Ladki fhute fhute kar roni lagte hai aur khude ko kose nai lagti hai ki kyu usni usee raatebate nahi ki….. jabe vo ladka usi enti baar kah raha tha ki mujhe tum si ek baate karni hai …plz bs kuch der …..par usni us si bate ki wajah jaaani ki jagah usi y kah diya ki vo use si bate nahi karna chah ti kyuki vo busy hai…..ab mujhe bhi nahi jena mujhe bhi mar jana chahiye….use ki bina mai ab jinda nahi rah sakti…..”agar zindagi hmi nahi mila sakti to ab moute hi hmi ek karegi”

y sabe soch soch kar vo ro rahi thi aur aatmatya karni ka mne bana lrti hai..… vo phel khud eko jor jor si Thapade maar ni lagte hai…..aur phire jabe uski nazar chate par jate hai tabe

Ladki(mne mai)- Mujhe ab jene ka koe hk nahi…mujhe mar jana chahiye….mai es pankhi si tange kar apni jane de dungi

Y soch kar vo apni dupati ka fanda banate hai…aur phanke si bande deti hai….aur jesi hi vo …y fanda apni gale mai dalte hai…..tabhi usi ek awwaz aate hai

“Y tum kya kar rahi ho”

Y awwaz sune kar vo ladki hiran ho gate hai aur sochte hai

Ladki(mne mai)- Tumhara pyaar sabh mai mahan hai…..ab jabe mai y jante hu…kit um es duniya mai nahi ho…..phire bhi mujhe tumhari awwaz aa rahi hai..

Tabhi usi ek aur awwaze sunae di

“Agar tum mujhe si pyar karte ho…to y fanda likalo apni gale si….aur utro yaha si”

Ladki- Y to tumhari awwaze hai…..tum kaha ho…..mujhe dikhaye kyu nahi de rahi

“ Mai ….mare chukka hu…..aur mare huvi kabhi dhikae nahi dete”

Ladki(rote huvi)- Mai bhi ketni abagine hu….jabe tum meri saath thi….tabe mujhe tumhara mole nahi pata tha……aur jabe tumhara mole pata chla ….tabe tke tum es duniya si chle gae…Mujhe maaf kardo

Tabhi usi ek aur awwaze sunae di

“Chahiye mai es duniya mai nahi hu….par tumhari dil mai…tumhari saaso mai… mai hmesa rahuga”

“Mai to mar chukka hu….par y tumhar apyaar hai jesni marni ki bade bhi ….Mujhe tum si dur nahi honi diya…..aur maafi gero si mangi jaate hai apno si nahi”

Y sune kar Ladki rone lagte hai

Tabhi usi uski saamni ek aakarte bnte dikae deti hai….jesi dekh kar vo Ladki boleti hai

Ladki- Tum aa gae…..mujhe yekine tha …kit um mujhe chode kar nahi ja sakti

Ladka- Mai to chla gaya tha….par tum hari pyaar ni mujhe jaani hi nahi diya

Y sune kar ladki use ladke ki taraf baageti hai…aur use si gale lagni lageti hai

Par jese hi …vo use sig le lagni ki dode ti hai….to vo dekhti hai…ki uska haath use ladke si aar paar ho raha tha….y dekh kar vo hiran ho jate hai….aur kahte hai

Ladki- Aakhire y kesi…tumni kaha tha…ki mera pyaar tumhi wapas li aaya to phire….mai tumhi chu kyu nahi paa rahi

Ladka- Kyuki mai aatma hu…aur aatma prem ki tarah hoti hai

Ladki- Prem ki tarah vo kesi??

Ladka- Prem ho chahiye aatma …dono ko hi keval masus kiya ja sakta hai….chuwa nahi ja sakta

Y sune kar Ladki rone lagte hai…y dekh kar Ladka bolta hai

Ladka- Khabardaar….agar ek bhi aasu bahaya to….mujhe si bura koe nahi hoga samje…..tum nahi janti ki y assu meri leyi keti anmol hai….aur tum bhi ajeb ho

Ladki(sisakte huvi)- Vo kyu??

Ladka- Kush honi ki bate par ro rahi ho

Ladki- Tum mujhe chode kar chle age….esmi kush honi ki kya bate hai batao

Ladka- Kya sach mai …mai tumhi chode kar chode gaya hu

Ladki- Vo…

Ladka- Kya vo…..mai tumhi kkabhi bhi akela nahi chode sakta …..kyuki akela usi choda jata hai..jo hm si alag ho….par tum mujhe si jhude ho…..aur mai tumsi…….jenka aastitvate hi ek dusri si jhuda hai….vo bhala ek dusri ko kesi akela chode sakta hai

Ladki- Tum sahi kah rahi ho…….prem to aatmo ka milane hai……prem sarir ki adine nahi hai…..kyuki prem mne si kiya jata hai tne si nahi…..aur hmni bhi prem mne si kiya hai…tane si nahi aur

[es si phele ki ladki kuch bolti ladka bola]

Ladka- Aur Prem mai Viyog ka koe esthan[jaghah] nahi hai….balki prem to Milan ka naam hai…jot ne si nahi mne si hota hai…..aur hmar amne hmesa si ek dusri si juda rahega

Ladki- Sahi kaha tumni…..vesi vo kya bate thi jes ki karn tum mujhe kah rahi thi…ki mujhe kush hona chahiye

Ladka(mazak ki mode mai)- Vo bate y hai ki…ab hamri pasie bach jaae gina….es liye….warna to hmari puri pocket mani….phone ki bill pay karni mai hi chle jate thi

Y sune kar Ladki Hase deti hai

Y dekh kar Ladka kahta hai

Ladka- Bs esi hi hse ti rahna….

Ladki- Tum to esi kah rahi ho…jesi ki tume kahi ja rahi ho…..ab to hm hmesa sath hai na

Y kah kar Ladki Ladke ki aur dekh ti hai….par usi ladka gayab hot ahuva dekhta hai

Ladki(gabrate huvi)- Y tumhi kya ho raha hai…..tum gayab kyu ho rahi ho

Ladka- Ab meri jaani ka samye ho chukka hai…es liye mujhe jana hoga

Ladki(rote huvi)- Nahi tum nahi ja sakti…kyuki tumni mujhe si kaha tha ki hm hmesa sath rahegi……aur abhi abhi to tumni bataya tha ki prem Sharir ka mohtaj nahi hai

Ladka- Yahi to mai kah raha hu…prem sarir ka mohtaj nahi hai…..tum jabe bhi mujhe bulaogi…mai jarur aao ga…..kabhi awwaz bne kar…..to kabhi kesi ki duwa bne kar…..lekine wada karta hu…ki aao ga jarur….mujhe abhi jana hoga…..kyuki….meri aakhri icchya yahi thi…ki mai tumhi bs aakhri baar hasta huva dekhna chahte tha…….bs tum hmesa yu hi haste rahna….tum hi meri kasam hai….chahiye kuch bhi ho gae…..tumhari hoto si hasi gayab nahi honi chahiye….vada karo……mujhe si….vado karo…

Ladki(rote huvi)- Mai vada karti hu……..

Ladka- Apna yaada mate thodna ….tumhi hmari payaar ki kasam hai

Y kah kar Ladka gayab ho gata hai

Aur ladke ke gane ki bade bhi ladki chah kar bhi …ro nahi pate kyuki…vo yaade si bandhi hue thi

Dine bete ti gae dine mahino mai bdle aur mahine saalo mai….par dono nai apna vaada nahi thoda

Ladki nai kabhi bhi apni hoto si hasi gayab nahi honi de vahi Lake nai bhi apna vada nibhaya aur jabe jabe Laki ni usi bulaya vo ….aaya….kabhi…Ahwwa bne kar to kabhi kesi ki duwa bne kar

............................................................................
Agar es kahani ni ek ple ki leyi bhi aap ki dil ko chuwa to….to es kahani ki sekh ko hmesa yade rakhna

Jo bhi karo aaj karo…kyuki pata nahi dosto

...........“Kale ho na ho”.........
---------------The END---------------

Jnab Sagar Sahab APKI story ki theme bohat ki kamal ka tha
Jis main larka aur larki ki dosti ka btaya gya jab ap main na story parhna start kiya tha tab mujha laga tha ka larka ko cancer ho ga aur woh maar gae ga aur yeh baat larki ko larka ka parents btae ga q ka main bilkul isi theme par ek story read ki thi magar apki story jab agae parhi to us main kuch change tha khair story na ek dafa emotional kar diya tha bohat hi badhiya koshish thi apki
Aur last main bas itna hi kaho ga apne story likhi to thik hy magar us main shayad apki typing speed ki wajha sa bohat hi ziyada problem ai parhane main uske adha part ko main 2 2 dafa parhta tha tab samaj main ata tha ka ap kiya likhna chah rahe ho

 

[Suryaa]

Jnab Sagar Sahab APKI story ki theme bohat ki kamal ka tha
Jis main larka aur larki ki dosti ka btaya gya jab ap main na story parhna start kiya tha tab mujha laga tha ka larka ko cancer ho ga aur woh maar gae ga aur yeh baat larki ko larka ka parents btae ga q ka main bilkul isi theme par ek story read ki thi magar apki story jab agae parhi to us main kuch change tha khair story na ek dafa emotional kar diya tha bohat hi badhiya koshish thi apki
Aur last main bas itna hi kaho ga apne story likhi to thik hy magar us main shayad apki typing speed ki wajha sa bohat hi ziyada problem ai parhane main uske adha part ko main 2 2 dafa parhta tha tab samaj main ata tha ka ap kiya likhna chah rahe ho

Sorry bhai.....vo kahani word mai lekhie thi
kyuki word limit thi na es liye
par thodi gadebade ho gae autocorrect ki karn
jes ki karn .....kaafi words change ho gae
aur arth ka anart ho gaya
aagi si dhayan rakhuga
and Thanks Mehar ji

 

[Chutiyadr]

REVIEW

STORY - EHSAAS

WRITER - mohit98075

LINK- https://xforum.live/threads/★☆★-xforum-ultimate-story-contest-2019-entry-thread-★☆★.6804/page-2#post-694656

PLOT- story ki pahli line ke kuch shabd

“ bahti hawaon ke sath badalti akirtiyon me dhalte rui se ye badal ke tukde man ko kitna sukun dete hai”

Itana hi ye samjhne ko pariyapt hai ki story kisi bahut hi achche writer ke hatho me hai ,aur ek utsukta si paida kar deti hai ….

Story ka plot bahut hi napa tula hai aur sath hi short story hone ke karn bahut hi kasa hua bhi hai ,shuruwat me lgata hai ki ye anu ke nayi jindagi ke shuruwat ki kahani hai jo wo amit ke sath shuru karne wali thi ,lekin story me ek twist aata hai aur anu ko ye ahsas hota hai ki uska kiya hua ahsas galt tha,wo ab jivan me prem ki kami se junjhne lgti hai aur fir ek nayi jindagi use apne purane payr aur writer ke naam mohit ke rup me use milta hai ……

Isme sabse aham kirdar hai anu aur mohit ki beti neha jiske real ahsas ke karn story me turn aane lagte hai …..

MERITS-

1. Bolne wali bat nhi ki story achchi hai ,ek simple si story ko badiya tarike se sajaya gaya hai ,ye story simple sirf dikhne me hi hai kyoki agar iske ander ke complex ko dekha jaye to ye mansik dwand ko darsati hui story hai …

2. Story kahi bhi apna follw nhi khoti jisse padne me bahut hi asani hoti hai ..

3. Writer ki writing skills ki wajah se is story ka kad aur bhi bad gaya hai ,kai aise lines hai jo ki bahut hi creative hai

DEMERITS- mujhe isme kamiya to nhi dikhi kyoki ye har tarh se mujhe ek behtr story lagi lekin fir bhi ager kuch khojane ki koshis ki jaaye to mujhe lagta hai ki story ke kuch part ko aur detail me likha ja sakta tha,khaskar anu ki mansik dwand ko aur bhi gahrai se darsaya ja sakta tha ,agar word limits ki problem na ho to….



NOTE FOR WRITER - mohit bhai bahut hi mast khani hai ,best of luck



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[MEHAR1234]

TITLE - EHSAAS

LANGUAGE - HINGLISH


Anu ektak baadalon ki taraf dekh rahi thi aur soch rahi thi ki bahti hawaon ke sath badalti akirtiyon me dhalte rui se ye badal ke tukde man ko kitna sukun dete hai...lagta hai jese apna hi wajood wakt ke jhoko ke sath kabhi simat raha hai, to kabhi naye aayamo ko chune ka prayaas kar raha hai...ekk ajeeb sa kotohul tha uske man ke har kono me...log khate hai, prem ki umar to bus jawani me hi hoti hai.. magar anu, uski jawani ko is umar me bhi utni teji se mehsus kar rahi thi....uska man to chah raha tha ki wo bhi hawa ke jhokon ke sath sath udd jaye..vaha jahan kisi ki bhi najar na pade us par...." Bus wo ho aur uske ehsaas "....

Wo bachpan se aaj tak apni jindagi apne hi tariko se jeeti aai hai...kabhi jindagi ki gati ko chand padao me nahi bata balki nadi ke prawah ki tarah bah jane diya...us din amit ne use cheda tha," tum dusro jesi bilkul bhi nahi , kafi alag tarah se sochti ho aur apni jindagi ke prati tumhara raweya bhi bahut alag hai...."

"Haa sach kaha . vese hota to yahi hai ki logo ki jindagi ki shuruwat me tay kar diya jata hai ki is umar me padhai puri karni hai , us umar me shaadi , bacche , aur fir umar bhar ke liye unhi rishto me bhandhe rahna ...bhale hi khushi se jayada gum hi kyu na mile ...mai gise pite fromule se alag jina chahti hu,,,isliye khud ko ek makshad ke hawale kar diya ...makshad ke bina insaan kitna adhura hota hain na."
"par mujhe to lagta hai ki jo insaan adhura hota hai, wahi jine ka makshad talaashta hai."

amit ne uski kahi baat ki mazak udane jesi baat kahi thi par woh amit ke is baat se khud ko vichlit hota dhikhana nahi chahti thi. usne khud ko samjhaya ki bilkul viprit soch hai amit ki, to is mein burai kya hai ? nadi ke 2 kinaron ki tarah hum bhi mil nahi sakte par sath to chal sakte hai. usne amit se bus itna kaha tha , " kya insaan ko pura hone ke liye dusre ki madad leni jaruri hai ? kya prakirti ne insaan ko pura bana kar nahi bheja hai ? log yeh kyu samajte hai ki jeewansathi ke bina insaan adhura hai."

"maine ye to nahi kaha," Amit ne pratirodh kiya.

"magar tumhare kahne ka matlab to yahi tha."

"nahi esha nahi hai .tumne meri baat ko usi roop me dekha jesa tum dusro ko bolte sunti ho "
fir thodi der Anu chup rahi to Amit ne use chhedte huye pucha,'tumhari baatein mujhe samaj me nahi aati .par bahut achhi lagti hai ..lagta hai ki sabdo ke sath khel rahi ho..kaash tumhara ye andaaj mere pass bhi hota."

"waise shabdon se khelte to tum bhi ho .antar sirf itna hai ki dono ka andaaj alag alag hai." ye kahte huye ek rajbhari muskan aai thi Anu ke hontho par...use na jane kyu aajkal Amit se milna , baate karna accha lagta tha..

kisi ko pasand karna esha ehsaas hai. jise lakh chupana chaho dusro se khabar lag hi jati hai..kal ki baat hai..wo aagan me baithi Amit ke bare me soch rahi thi ki uski beti Neha ki aawaj gunji. "mamma akeli baithkar mushkura kyun rahi ho ?" Wo koi jawab nahi de saki. turant khadi ho gai jese uski koi chori pakdi gai ho., fir khud ko sambhal kar pyar se beti ke kandho par hath rakhte huye boli ."soch rahi hu aaj khane me kya banau," fir kitchen ki taraf chal di ..kadi banate samay sahsa hi purane jakham hare ho gaye...uske dimag me Mohit ki kahi gayi baatein gunjne lagi...

"Anu tum khana accha banati ho ..par jo bhi ho tumhare banaye gaye khane me wo swaad nahi jo maa ke khane me aata hai.."
Anu ko apne pati ki ye baatein uske mann ko bhed rahi thi..kyunki saamne bethi saas mand mand uski taraf dekh kar mushkura rahi thi..yeh ek din ki baat nahi roj esha hota tha Mohit apni maa ka gungaan karta , maa muskarti aur Anu ke jale par namak ka kaam karta..Anu baat baat par mohit se jhagda kar apna gussa nikalti..to mohit bhi kabhi kabhi gusse me use suna deta...

Anu ke pita ne kitne armano se Mohit ke sath saadi ki thi....Mohit Anu se payar bhi karta tha..par choti chhoti baaton ne kab rishto me darar daal di use pata hi nahi chala..kabhi saas ke sath batmiji ki baat , kabhi dosto , risthdaro ki sahi aavbhagat n karne ki siykayat inhi sab ka hawala de kar Mohit us par baraste rahta tha....un dono ke bich samay ke sath duriya badhti chali gayi ...darshal uski saas bhi sada Anu ke kilaf Mohit ko bhadkati rahti aur ulti-sidhi baate kahti lagatar apni maa se kahi hui batto ko hi sach maan leta hai..fir ek din me Anu ke muh se saas ke liye kuch esha nikal gaya jo uski saas ne badachada ke Mohit se kar di...bina kuch puche Mohit ne maa ke samne hi Anu ko thappad maar diya ....Mohit ka yah savbhav Anu ke dil me kaate ki tarah chubh gaya usne usi samay apna saman pack karke ghar chodne ka faisala liya...use kisi ne nahi roka vah apni beti Neha ko lekar nikalne wali thi ki Mohit ne apni beti ka hath tham liya...unka hath jatak kar Anu apni beti ko lekar nikal aai...picche se saas ki aawaj kanno me gunji ," is tarah ghar chod kar jaa rahi to yaad rakhna , lut kar aane ki jarurat nahi hai ..."

fir sachmuch paristhitiya esi bani ki me ne unki surat dekhne ka mooka nahi mila...2 saal pahle hi saas ki bimari ki vajah se unki jaan chai gayi...choti nanad ne ab tak sambhal rakha tha magar pichhle saal Mohit ne uski bhi saadi bhi kar di...Anu ko saadi me bulaya bhi tha lekin Anu nahi gayi..bus phone par subhkamana dedi thi..ab Mohit bilkul akela rahte the...Anu ko lagta tha ki ve usse talak lekar dusri saadi karenge, par esha kuch nahi hua..par yeh baat alag hai Mohit ne kabhi usse wapas aane ko bhi nahi kaha...haa wo neha se humesha mil leta tha....

Anu ne khud ko ek company me jod liya tha to use jine ki wajah mil gayi aur wahin par Amit mila jisse milkar Anu ko esha laga usko jingdi me dobara moka mila hai...40 paar kar chuki thi aur Neha 11th me aa gayi thi..woh dhire dhire Amit ke karib hoti jaa rahi thi..shuruwaat me Anu ne chaha khud ko rok le par esha na kar saki wo Amit ke mohpasha me bandhti chali gayi...Amit bhi kabhi kabhi Anu ke ghar aata Neha ke liye koi na koi gift lekar aata ...yaha Anu ko kushi thi ki vah beti ko apnane ko tayar hai....

us din Neha apne school se jaldi ghar aa gayi thi...maa beti idhar-udhar ki baat kar rahi thi...tabhi Neha boli ,"maa, ek baat kahu?"
"haa beta, bolo na"
"maa aapko Amit uncle acche lagte hai na ?" thoda ruk ruk ke bolti woh. fir boli ," haa beta , par vah tumhe bhi acche lagte hai na ?"

"maa pata nahi kyu unka saparsh vesa nahi lagta jesa papa ka hai..papa karib rahte hai to accha lagta hai jese mai surakshit hun..magar uncle bahut ajib tarah se dekhte hai .bilkul bhi accha nahi lagta mujhe " dil ki baat kah di thi Neha ne ....Anu ko jhatka sa laga.....

"aur maa, ek baat batau"

"haa haa Neha bolo."

"pichle monday school me der jayda ho gai thi aapne Amit uncle k beja tha mujhe lane ko."

"haa beta, to kya hua."

"maaa...." achanak Neha ki aakhe bhar aai,"maa, ve mujhe kuch ajib tarike se chune lage the tabhi mujhe rasste me kajal dikh gai maine foran gaadi rukwa ke Kajal ko baitha liya warna jane kya..." sabad uske gale me atak gaye the. ek ajib si becheni Anu ke aander utarti chali gai....

"tune pahle kyu nahi bataya?"

"mai kya khati maa, mujhe laga aap naraj hogi."

"nahi nahi beta, tujhe se jayda mere liye kuch bhi nahi,"
aur apne aagosh me bhar liya tha usne Neha ko.usne man hi man nisichya kar liya ki Amit ko ghar kabhi nahi bulayegi. bahar bhi jayda milne nahi jayegi. bhale hi apni jindgi ka faishla karne ka usse pura hak hai magar apni beti ki bhavanao ko bhi najaranzaad nahi kar sakti,

aagle din office se hi Anu ne Amit ke sath ek duri bana li..office me sabka dhayan is baat par gaya ..uske bagal me baithne wali Mira ne usse sidha sawal hi puch liya,"kya hua anu?"aajkal Amit ko bhav nahi de rahi ho?"

"nahi eshi koi baat nahi. bus mujhe apni mayada ka khyal rakhna hoga na, ek beti ki maa hu mai."

"bahut sahi kiya hai tumne Anu, "Mira ne kaha,"mujhe khushi hai ki tum uska aagla sikar hone se bach gai."

aagla sikar..." vah chaunk gai...

"bholi-bhali , aakeli mahilao se dosti kar un ki bahu betiyo par hath saaf karna khub aata hai use."

"kyaaa....?"

ek baar to jaise wo hil hi gai thi.. yani Neha ka shak sahi tha..wakai Amit ki niyat saaf nahi. ek adhure aur ginone payar ka ahsaas use aander tak vichlit kar raha tha...jin lamho me usee amit ke liye kuch mehsus kiya tha wo lamhe usse kisi shul ki tarah chubhne lage the..accha hua uski aankhe khul gai. dil hi dil me rahat ki saans li thi usne .jiwan ke is mod me use in baate se rahat pane ke liye usne 3 din ki chutti leli aur pura samay apni beti ke sath bitane ka faisla liya..dinbhar shopping, masti aur nayi nayi jagah gumne jana yahi unki dincharya ban gayi thi in 3 dino me....

lekin fir kai dino tak udaas si rahi Anu..jab bhi jindagi me usne payar ki chahat ki.. to use upeksha aur dhoka mila...sayad uski jindagi me payar likha hi nahi hai. usse umra bhar aakle hi rahna hai is vichar ke sath reh reh ke tadap uthi thi wo...ek din uski beti ne matha sahlate huye usse kaha ,"maa, aajkal aap udas kyu rahti ho?"

Anu ne kuch nahi kaha bus muskra ke rah gai...

"maa, aap wapas papa ke paas kyu nahi chalti ,papa acche hai maa." Anu ka chehra pila pad gaya..Mohit se alag hone ke baad pahli dafa Neha ne wapas chalne ki baat kahi thi ..koi to baat hogi jo is massom ko pereshaan kiye huye hai. kaha vah biti jindagi ko yaad bhi nahi karna chahti thi aur kaha uski beti use wapas usi duniya me chalne ko kah rahi hai..

anu ne payar se Neha ka matha sahalaya, "beta, aap wapas papa ke paas jana kyu chahti ho? aapko yaad nahi, papa aapki ,maa ke sath kitna jhagda kiya karte the,"

"par maa, papa aapse payar bhi to karte the," usne kaha aur chupchap Anu ki taraf dekhne lagi...Anu ne uski aakhe band karte huye kaha ," ab so ja Neha . kal school bhi jana hai na tujhe." sach to yah tha Anu uski nazron ka samna hi nahi kar pa rahi thi. uske baato ke jaal me dubne lagi thi. kai sawal uske man me uthne lage the. Wo soch rahi thi ki Mohit mujhse itna pyaar karte to mujhe alag hone se roka kyu nahi? kabhi mujhe kaha kyu nahi mujse pyaar karte hai ..mai to sayad kuch thi bhi nahi jindagi me tabhi mujhe kabhi manne ki kosis bhi nahi ki sorry bhi nahi kaha...ye sochte huye Anu so gai....

ekdin pados ki mahila se Neha ki jhadap ho gayi. vese aunty aunty kah kar Neha uske sath kafi sari baate karti thi aur close bhi thi magar jab usne Anu ke bare me kuch ulti sidhi baate kahi to Neha apna aapa kho baithi aur us aunty ko badchad kar baate sunane lagi...us wakt Anu ne use chup karaya...baad me jab Anu ne is bare me baat karni chahi ki jo bhi hua sahi nahi tha, to Neha ruwasi aawaj me boli, "maa, wo aapko baat suna rahi thi aur yah baat mujhe sahan nahi hui mujhe khud samajh nahi aa raha tha ki mai unke prati itna gussa kesi ho gayi..Anu khamosh ho gai thi..Neha ki baat uske dil ko chu gai thi...

"ek baat kahu maa" achanak Neha ne maa ke galle me payar se apna hath dalte huye kaha ," maa, papa ki aap se ladai sabse jayada kis baat par hoti thi? jaha tak mujhe yaad hai, is wajah se na ki vah dadi ka side lekar aapse ladai karte the."

"haa beta, yahi baat mujhe jayda buri lagti thi ki baat sahi ho ya galat humesha apni maa ki side lete the."

"maa mujhe lagta hai, papa utne bhi galat nahi, jitna aap samajne lagi hai. ve aaj bhi aapse bahut payar karte hai..viswaas karo maa..bus jahir nahi kar paate,'' Neha ne badi masumiyat se kaha tha..uske baato me chipa isara Anu samaj gai thi..usse khushi hui uski beti wakai samajdar ho gai hai....Anu neha ka man taltolte huye pucha,"ek baat bata Neha, kya tu aaj bhi wapas papa ke pass jana chati hai?kya unke hath mujhe pitta hua dekh payegi yaa fir mujhe chod kar papa ke pass chali jayegi tu?"

"nahi mamma, esha bilkul bhi nahi hai . mai apni mamma ko chodkar kahi nahi jaugi," kahte huye Neha Anu se lipat gai...beti ke dil me chippe khwaish se anzaan nahi thi vah.. par apne jakhmo ko yaad kar kabhi bhi himmat nahi hoti thi uske wapas lotne ki ek baar fir kadve atit ne usse apna fasila badlne se rok liya tha....

aaj Neha ka janamdin tha..Anu ne uske liye khas taur par cake manhwaya tha aur khubsurat gulabi ranag ki dress kharidi thi...usko pahan kar Neha bahut khush lag rahi thi,,party ke liye usne paas-padosi ke kuch logo aur neha ki khas friends ko bulaya tha...Neha ne apne papa ko bhi bulaya hoga, is baat ka yakin tha usse... 8 baje party suru honi thi...aaj office se pahle chutti lekar nikal jayegi sochkar wo jaldi jaldi kaam nipatane lagi thi...thik 3 baje wo office se nikal gai..abhi raste me hi thi ki Mohit ka phone aaya...bahut bechain aawaj me Mohit ne kaha," anu ,humri Neha....."

"kya hua Neha ko?" pereshan hokar Anu ne pucha...

"darshal , ghar me achanak hi aag lag gai ..mujhe lagta hai ki yeh sab short circuit ki wajah se hua hoga..mai Neha ko lekar hospital ja raha hu, city hospital. tum bhi jald pahucho."

anu dhodti bhagti hospital pahuchi to dekha besudh sa Mohit kone ne bitha hai..Anu ko dekhte hi Mohit dhud kar aaya aur rote huye anu ko apne bajuwo me bhandh liya...esha laga hi nahi jese kai saal se dono ek dusre se dur rahe ho...ek ajib sa sukhad aehsaas hua tha use ..laga jese bus wakt yahi tham gaya ho ...fir unse alag hoti hui anu boli, "Neha kaha hai?kesi hai?"
"chalo mere sath ,"Mohit bola...fir dono neha ke kamre me pahunche to Neha unhe sath dekh kar eshi halat me hi mushkura padi....

Anu ne uska matha sahlate huye pucha," beta, kesi hai tu?"

Neha muskrati hui boli ,"jab mere mammy papa mere sath hai to bhala mujhe kya ho sakta hai? papa hi the jinone us dhuye, jalan, aur aag ki lapato se nikal kar mujhe hospital tak pahucahya...papa, I really love u."

Anu chup khadi baap beti ka pyar dekhti rahi.. use dil me aander kuch judta hua mehsus hua..apne aander ka dard simatta hua sa laga...use jindagi ne sayad woh wapas de diya tha jise woh kho chuki thi...sayad yah usi purnayata ka ehesaas tha jo pahle kabhi Mohit ke sath mehsus hota tha ...achanak Neha ne Anu ka hath thama aur usse Mohit ke hathon me deti hui boli ,"mujhe aap dono se bus ek hi gift chaiye aur wo yeh hai ki aap ek ho jao...kya mere janamdin par aap dono mujhe itna bhi nahi de sakte?" Anu aur Mohit pahle to sakpaka gaye magar mushkura kar dono ne Neha ko chum liya...Neha ne Anu aur Mohit dono ko naye sire se jindagi ko ek baar fir se jina sikha diya tha........

......................THE END................

Hmm Great story
Anu na shayad Amit par ankhen band kar ka bharosa kar liya tha jo usne toor diya magar anu ko khud sochna chahiya tha mana ka piyaar ki umer ni hoti magar usko apni jawan beti ka hi khayal karna chahiya tha abhi to usko divorce bhi nahi howa tha
Baki mujha yeh khushi hy ka anu ko Neha ne apni galti ka ahsaas kar wa diya aur dono ko ikatha kar diya

 

[Aakash.]

Oh paaje y kahani copy hai
Asle nahi hai

I read this story for the first time, maybe it is a copy and paste story, I don't know. I liked the story, so I gave a review...

 

[Casinar]

My review for
Mitti ki Khushbhu
By chutiyadr
Main iss review ko John F. Keneddy ki iss quotation se shuru karta hoon. -
"ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY "
Ab aata hoon Mitti Ki Khushbhu par.
Issko bahut hi behtareen tarike se likha gaya hai.
Pehle to author ka shukra guzaar hoon ke unhon ne Hinglish mein likha devnagri mein nahin. Usski running story ko iss liye aaj tak padh nahin paaya kyunke wo devnagri mein likha gaya hai. Agar yeh bhi devnagri mein likha gaya hota to main nahin padh paata. To chutiyadr bhai issko Hinglish mein likh kar aap ne mujh par badi meherbaani ki hai, isske liye tehe dil se shukriya.
Film kesari ke ek gaane ko lekar ek puri kahani bana dena asaan kaam nahin. Yeh ek tajurbekaar lekhak hi kar sakta hai. Uss gaane ko jab main ne pehli baar suna tha to bahot roya tha, 3,4 hafton tak uss geet ko sunkar jism ke har ek rowan khada ho jata aur aankh se ensoo apne aap nikal behte the.
Aaj iss kahani mein uss geet ka itna behtareen tarike se istemaal kiya gaya ke main phir apne ensoowon ko rok nahin paaya.
Jab Ramsing ke bete ke maut ki khabar aaya to mere dil mein uss baap ka dil aur dil mein basse jazbaat ke dard aur gham gehraayi se mehsoos hui mujhe.
Main khud ko Ramsing ki jagah hote hue mehsoos kiya aur aage padhne se pehle ro baitha..... rukna pada uss se aage padhne ke liye...
Khud ko sambhaalte hue, aankhon mein askhon ko rokne ki koshish karte hue aage padhta gaya magar phir se rukna pada kyunke jiss waqt Ramsing ko apne bete ko aag dene ka waqt aya, jab wo phoot phoot kar rone laga to mera bhi bura haal hua, upar se lekhak ne gaane ko sahi se istemaal karte hue maa ko aur patni ke taraf dikhaate hue gaane ke unn hisson ko likha jo seedha ussi waqt ke liye likha gaya hai. To mere liye pehle se hi ye gana bahot emotional tha hi ab upar se iss kahani ki situation par jo 100% fit baithta hai, wo sab padhke to emotion ka baand tutna hi tha....
Kahani ke aakhir mein mujhko to bada maza aaya kyunke iss mein ek bacha hai aur ek dusre bache ka zikr kiya gaya hai.
Kal mere sawaal karne par yahan ke sumos ne bade sakhti se, mana kiya ke UA reference k taur par bhi accept nahin kiya jaega. Agar doctor sahab ne query thread par iss vishay mein mera sawaal aur sumo ka jawaab padha hoga to usse pata chalega k main kiss baare mein baat kar raha hoon. Sirf sumo hi nahin kal cc threar par Vijay bhi bade zoron se iss baat k khilaaf tha k kissi bhi keemat par kissi bhi underage ko bilkool bhi nahin mention karna hai contest story mein. Magar lekhak bhai aap ne mere hawsle ko aur buland kar diya Ramsing ke pote ko iss kahani mein dikha kar. Ek baar fir aap ka shukra guzaar hoon. Mere liye ye bilkool bhi UA nahin ho sakta jab zindagi mein bache hote hein aur rozmare ki zindagi mein kissi nah kissi tarah se har kissi ko ek bache se wasta hota hai bachon ka pyar sabse paak pyar hota hai jo dil ko jodta hai. Weisa pyar dikhana ek kahani mein kahani ko UA category mein NAHIN lejata.
End note: ye ek bahut badhya short story hai jo bahut emotional hai, jissko behtareen likha gaya hai, jo as a short story kaabil-e-taarif hai, jisske baare mein jitna bhi likha jaaye kum hai.
Hats off chutiyadr bhai aur bahut shukriya eisi naayab kahani likhne k liye. Mere taraf se rating 10 over 10 hai.

 

[MEHAR1234]

Samje gaya bhai
And
Maine mahan writers do teen writers ki karn use kiya
Jesi aanand bhai fighter bhai aur vj bhai

Vj bhai is a legend of fantasy story

 

[MEHAR1234]

My review for
Mitti ki Khushbhu
By chutiyadr
Main iss review ko John F. Keneddy ki iss quotation se shuru karta hoon. -
"ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY "
Ab aata hoon Mitti Ki Khushbhu par.
Issko bahut hi behtareen tarike se likha gaya hai.
Pehle to author ka shukra guzaar hoon ke unhon ne Hinglish mein likha devnagri mein nahin. Usski running story ko iss liye aaj tak padh nahin paaya kyunke wo devnagri mein likha gaya hai. Agar yeh bhi devnagri mein likha gaya hota to main nahin padh paata. To chutiyadr bhai issko Hinglish mein likh kar aap ne mujh par badi meherbaani ki hai, isske liye tehe dil se shukriya.
Film kesari ke ek gaane ko lekar ek puri kahani bana dena asaan kaan nahin. Yeh ek tajurbekaar lekhak hi kar sakta hai. Uss gaane ko jab main ne pehli baar suna tha to bahot roya tha, 3,4 hafton tak uss geet ko sunkar jism ke har ek rowan khada ho jata aur aankh se ensoo apne aap nikal behte the.
Aaj iss kahani mein uss geet ka itna behtareen tarike se istemaal kiya gaya ke main phir apne ensoowon ko rok nahin paaya.
Jab Raamsing ke bete ke maut ka khabar aaya to mere dil mein uss baap ka dil aur dil mein basse jazbaat ke dard aur gham gehraayi se mehsoos hui mujhe.
Main khud ko Ramsing ki jagah hote hue mehsoos kiya aur aage padhne se pehle ro baitha..... rukna pada uss se aage padhne ke liye...
Khud ko sambhaalte hue, aankhon mein askhon ko rokne ki koshish karte hue aage padhta gaya magar phir se rukna pada kyunke jiss waqt Ramsing ko apne bete ko aag dene ka waqt aya, jab wo phoot phoot kar rone laga to mera bhi bura haal hua, upar se lekhak ne gaane ko sahi se istemaal karte hue maa ko aur patni ke taraf dikhaate hue gaane ke unn hisson ko likha jo seedha ussi waqt ke liye likha gaya hai. To mere liye pehle se hi ye gana bahot emotional tha hi ab upar se iss kahani ki situation par jo 100% fit baithta hai, wo sab padhke to emotion ka baand tutna hi tha....
Kahani ke aakhir mein mujhko to bada maza aaya kyunke iss mein ek bacha hai aur rk dusre bache ka zikr kiya gaya hai.
Kal mere sawaal karne par yahan ke sumos ne bade sakhti se, mana kiya je UA reference k taur par bhi accept nahin kiya jaega. Agar doctor sahab ne query thread par iss vishay mein mera sawaal ayr sumo ka jawaab padha hoga to usse pata chalega k main kiss baare mein baat kar raha hoon. Sirf sumo hi nahin kal cc threar par Vijay bhi bade zoron se iss baat k khilaaf tha k kissi bhi keemat par kissi bhi underage ko bilkool bhi nahin mention karna hai contest story mein. Magae lekhak bhai aap ne mere hawsle ko aur buland kar diya Ramsing ke pote ko iss kahani mein dikha kar. Ek baar fir aap ka shukra guzaar hoon. Mere liye ye bilkool bhi UA nahin ho sakta jan zindagi mein bache hote hein aur rozmare ki zindagi mein kissi nah kissi tarag se har kissi ko ek bache se wasta hota hai bachon ka pyar sabse paak pyar hota hai jo dil ki jodta hai. Weisa pyar dikhana ek kahani mein kahani ko UA category mein NAHIN lejata.
End note: ye ek bahut badhya short story hai jo bahut emotional hai, jissko behtareen likha gaya hai, jo as a short story kaabil-e-taarif hai, jisske baare mein jitna bhi likha jaaye kum hai.
Hats off chutiyadr bhai aur bahut shukriya eisi naayab kahani likhne k liye. Mere taraf se rating 10 over 10 hai.

Magar agar dekha jae to ek hisaab sa is main UA CONTENT NI THA because isma main character ramsingh tha na ka uska pota agar is tarha khamiya nikalna laga story main to phir to har story main koi na koi UA content ho ga kam az kam sumos ko kuch relief dena chahiye writer ko na taka unki hosla afazi ho aur readers bhi himaat kar ka likhna start kare